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Once in four years. It only happens once in four years yet today Im at home trying to recover from a flu. Sounds sadding but I'm trying not to feel sad. Anyway, finally going out tml. Meeting kaijun with mum to K. Hopefully I would recover and could hang on the whole session if not its really sadding if my condition worsened tml. By then I would be going there enjoying peanuts and listening to mini concert by both of them I guess.
Anyway, went Auntie's house this morning. Went gym and had lunch with wx.
Just hope to live life simple. At times when Im down, there's someone to care and a shoulder to lie on. At times when Im happy, there's someone to share my happiness with. Nevertheless, at all times caring for you for anyone should be my way of living to give people happiness even there may be times I don't feel in happiness.
Reading novel called The Pact by my fav author. So felt that way as described above. haha!
Wednesday, February 27, 2008
Maybe the reason I felt so down and negative recently was because I was away from my faith too long. 2 weeks of break due to chinese new year and then I didnt go for the rites of election and last tue's class cuz I wanna prepare for exam. I guess if I went for last tue's lesson, things might be different. I might be more aware of what is happening to me and that I shouldnt give myself up by thinking Im so lousy and thus not want to do anything. Though what my frenz around sees in me is the confident in my exam but I feel the oppo. I was just hoping to get everything done asap. Cuz I was very distracted with some other things. Anyway, I was back to my happy self ytd. I felt soo happy with all my church frenz ytd.. Concerns and jokes shared among all the aunties and uncles. So nice of them. Hmm..Also, I had lunch with godma ytd. Wonderful! We had a gd chat and somehow I realised that I know what I want but Im living in denial. Also, I know what matters to me thus I didnt want to follow what my heart felt. So the struggles that Im facing is natural cuz im forbidding myself to follow what my heart feels.
I was thinking alot ytd abt my exam. And I felt that I won't do well for Credit Management. Maybe a B. FIT maybe a B+. BLAW maybe B+. FP maybe B+. EC maybe C+. Let's see if Im right. haiz. Im thinking too much.
So guess what I didn since 8am? I cleaned the whole house except my room. Cuz I only cleaned my room on sat and I haven start cleaning my cabinets but my house was last cleaned on 16th Feb. haha! Maybe I will do my room tml. Too tired and also have to iron clothes. Whole family clothes piled up to 2 big basket of clothings. Whoo!!! haha!
Who wants a wife? I may not be a perfect gf but I may make a gd wife. haha! jk!
Dear fren, loving someone does need to have time. Loving someone is an instant feeling. U are attracted to that person for no reason. It isn't because u are free thus u make urself feel for that person. We are not in the traditional era which we need to get married by a certain age. Only getting into a relationship needs time. So don't let ur tight schedule obstruct ur freedom to love. Unless loving that person is really hurtful and tough then I would rather u to be a happy and carefree fren of mine. All the best to ur attachment. We'll meet real soon. Take care.
Monday, February 25, 2008
What did I do? I slept at 3am last night to finish watching Gong Zhu Xiao Mei. It was very touching. I cried many many times. I guess its a wonderful chance for me to vent out whatever Im keeping in my heart. Back to the topic, I went swimming in the morning. It wasn't really a swim to me. I guess it seems more like a conversation opportunity for me to bla out all my thoughts. Next week...I must really swim laps after laps. After that, we went for a wonderful but very very filling lunch. haha! Then I came home, kept the clothes and took an hr nap before fetching my brother and my first day of holiday is coming to an end.
I will be meeting god ma tml. I really hope after tml's meeting, my faith will strengthen and I will stop being so obssessed with whatever that has disturbed me these weeks.
Going ktv with kaijun and mum this sat. Wonderful! Maybe shall catch up with her ard bugis ard. Maybe I can also go search for nicole's shop and visit her. hmm.I haven been to bugis for quite some time. I guess kaijun will be laughing at me. haha!
Im awake now. Im going to use this 7 weeks holidays to really push out all these bad dreams and unhappiness. It's not worth making myself so burned out dreaming running or search for u. It kills.
Saturday, February 23, 2008
Exams are over. There are many things I can do now. Most importantly, cleaning my room! I have cleaned my ceiling fan, disinfect my writing table, arrange all my lectures note into ring files and then mop n vacuum the floor. whoo! Smells and feel good now. Cuz past whole week I was too busy with my own exam revisions and so that my room was getting more n more dirty and yet I my table was in a mess. It's a built in table along the whole wall which is very very long but still so many things piling up. Anyway, Im hoping to clean my cabinets. The internal sides during my holidays. It would quite a fair bit of work but I guess I will feel so gd after having my room well cleaned! haha.
My friends are hoping to get a job for this 7 weeks of holidays but for me, whether I could find a part time or temp job within this 7 weeks anot, I will not get affected by it. If I could find one, by all means work. If not, stay at home, rest, recharge and do things that I like to do. Also, this is a wonderful chance for me to sort of what is eating me up.
Music is a wonderful thing. It not only give us entertainment but if brings different emotions and experience when we listen to it in different stages of our life. When I in sec years, this old song called Sometimes love just ain't enough was a song that brought memories between me and my gd gf. Esp when our frenship was on the rock. It would always be this song that bring us together. However, listening to this now gave me a different experience.
I don't wanna lose you, I don't wanna use you. Just to have somebody by my side. I don't wanna hate you, I don't wanna take you. But I don't wanna be the one to cry. I'm like a fool keep losing my place, n I keep seeing you walk through the door.
I couldn't never change you, I don't wanna blame you. Yes, I may have hurt you but I did not desert you. Maybe I just wanna have it all. I keep thinking something is gonna change. It is sad that its the heart that can't be change.
Love just ain't enough.
True enough. My feelings are close to these. Do I really know what I want? I'm struggling between my thoughts and feelings. I don't wanna lose you in my life yet I don't wanna use you for being the reason of my happiness. I only hope when Im happy, there's someone to share my happiness & achievements, when im sad, there's your shoulder to lie on. I don't wanna take you away but I dont wish to be the one crying every now and then when my heart hurts badly. I know that I shouldn't let myself into this mess but I keep losing my stand when u are with me. I will break down all over again n again when I see u walk out of my life. I dont't blame u cuz u are unknown of all of these. I may have hurt you once when I couldn't take your "take for granted" attitude, but I did not desert you. I was there when you eventually needed me. I kept thinking things will get better. Im still trying. The thoughts must stay so that I do not disappoint people who has high expectations of me. However, it is sad that its my heart that still can't be changed.
Thursday, February 21, 2008
Last paper tml. I seemed to be counting down huh. Anyway, I left even earlier for today's ec paper. Ytd's fp I left at 3.45pm, today I left at 3.30pm. It's nothing honourable but then it's kind of scary to leave so early but I have nothing else to write nor add on. The only thing I wanna do was to go to the toliet! haha. Also, to be back home to rest.
I just woke up. Only slept for 30 mins I guess. Am I waiting for something that shouldn't and wouldn't happen? Or m I just imagining stuffs. I'm so tired but I can't get to slp for than an hour for a nap these few days.
Anyway, starting on my cm. Should be able to complete revision quite fast cuz Im interested and I do know what was taught in class. So isn't as bad as ec. haha!!!
I'm following my mind but my heart is confusing me.
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
Sounds good that Im only left with 2 papers but it does not feel as though it should be. I don't feel good. In fact, I felt more stressed and the exam fatigue is kicking in that makes me away from studying. Things that are running in my mind now is about everything except about database. Goodness. When will these end? I can't make myself like EC nor make myself study it. I seemed like an idiot infront of my lecture notes. haiz. Tml might be a gone case. Fri's cm? Have not really studied it yet. Ok, I'm now going to try absorb some more of ec then when I really stand it anymore, I will just leave it and go to my cm and slp!
Why can't I just leave it alone? Why is it happening to me in whatever I do? The first thing Im awake in the morning, studying, doing my exam, on the bus, lying on my bed and even walking. I can't stand myself anymore. What should I do? I really don't know.
Sunday, February 17, 2008
I dream whenever my brain is restless and when I dream/ think too much, I hate myself. Melody, wake up and devote all ur strength and attention on ur work. Don't give up!
Haiz.. But I have not even started EC, how am I going to be positive with myself?
I'm strong infront of you, but I ain't deep down in me. I need your care but all I received is coldness. Why am I always the giver. Cool down and I should thank god for giving me the chance of being the giver to someone's life.
I'm not going to care other than my work and Jiro Wang then. Let it go with the wind.
Saturday, February 16, 2008
One module is completed. I have done my blaw exam which marked the completion of my module. Hmm. It was ok but I think my last question was rather screwed. I felt that I didn't write it very well and it was very messy cuz I only added the relevant case in the last minute as I have forgotten all about it. Too panick as I was rushing within that 20 minutes. haha!
He drove me home and accompanied me for lunch. LL said I was very fortunate. Huh...What fortunate? He isn't my bf, what so fortunate to have a bf sending me home? haha. But he drove well. Maybe cuz of the nature of guys to be more brave as compared to woman driving. They like to reverse all the time. Lack of the confidence and courage to turn smoothly without break. Alright, anyway it was a great time with him. I remarked that I didnt purchase life insurance, is my life in danger and he said I drive very well ok. Hmm..Indead very well, just that I didnt want to praise him too much. What he really need to buck up is his study and attitude in his study. After all my effort to prepare blaw notes for him, he said he will fail. I hope he can pass FIT. Nevertheless, that's his problem. I'm always here to help him. He needs to make the first step to ask before I couldn't even give. The gospel said: "Knock and it will be opened to you. Ask and it will be given to you".
Frenz...Study hard!!! All the best!
Kaijun, shall we go K after my exam??? Let me know when u are available. Thanks.
Tuesday, February 12, 2008
What is it that would make me feel good and not blame or feel angry of you? He drove here and collected the notes. He didn't ask about the cost neither did I mention. He seem to want to talk but I gave him the feeling that I shoo him away. haha! I think in actual fact I was hoping not to face him too long so that negative feelings wouldn't over-whelm me soon. Also, I was watching tv when he called me. haha! Honestly, it was alittle awkward when we met up. He said he will give me a treat after exam, but is this what would make things better? Weird. Maybe I'm thinking too much but I just hope not to be angry of him all over again. Think...What is it that Im really angry abt? No, nth. Maybe just cant stand myself for having such a fren and yet Im still doing so much on my part in this frenship and he the receiver end without contribution. WIll such frenship carry on long?I doubt.
Seemed like a zombie these 2 days...Preparing for exam.
Monday, February 11, 2008
I decided to delete my previous entry as it was too sadding and hurtful. All I could say is that I might be those who want a wedding but not a marriage. I have no confidence in myself to have a successful relationship if ppl ard me are showing how weak mutual relationship is between two parties.So instead I post up a happy occasion at my mum's supervisor's house. Met with Kaijun and had a wonderful time watching harry potter and she laughing at me. haha! Cuz I didnt know how to operate her hp's camera! omg...haha. Here are some pictures took with her. haha!!!
Friday, February 08, 2008
In this point in time he must be enjoying himself in genting. He say he will call me when he is back to get FIT notes from me. I jolly well know he is making use of me once again but i replied him ok and i'll re prepare the notes for him again. Why re prepare? because I have threw everything away when he said I was being sarcastic and that whatever I done for him in the past wasn't appreciated. At that moment of anger, I threw everything away. In fact, what I saw was I threwing MY money away. Notes for this module for almost the whole semester is alot of money. haha. Once again, I will prepare all the notes for him without asking for any money. Somehow I just can't get it out of my mouth to talk about money with friends most of the time. However, I really feel that he is using me. Well. I would just continue praying that he isnt and that he is keen to befriend with me again. I once told myself that I would give up on him and go on my own way. Whether he fails his exam or not, does not matter to me anymore but still I can't do it. He was a gd friend to me. He was with me thru my dark moments due to bio father. Maybe that's a reason I don't wish to be ruthless to him? Also...Jesus always say whatever u do to others, u are in fact indirectly doing to me. So if I give up on him, it means Im giving up christ and carrying on being angry with him... Well...I just hope I will get over this and really be his fren again without having thoughts that he is mis using me.
This is my blog. If you dont like my content do click on the cross tab write at the top. It seems weird to see you kind of discrimate what people wrote in your own blog.
Monday, February 04, 2008
It's time for shopping spree...But what is the reason for having a shopping spree? Just because Chinese New Year is around the corner? Hmm. My mum & I figured out that its just the trend that people have to buy new clothes and take chinese new year as an excuse for their buyings. Not "theirs", actually both of us too. haha! Mum bought quite a fair bit of things for my chinese new year and that included a new heels bought ytd night. Then today met up with pa and he gave me $200 as hong bao and also shopping budget. I bought 3 espirit tops and left a surplus of abt $150? haha! Maybe I didnt really see something that could catch my heart. haha.
First paper, Blaw on the 16 th which is next sat but I'm not even half through my revision for blaw not saying others which I have not even started. FIT maybe? One chapt. The rest? Absolutely no. Im too distracted with that fact that cny is here and I wanna play and enjoy but being very stressful and guilty.
Don't regret what has been done neither should we worry for the future. Hummp. How many can actually achieve that? ...