{Underneath the Stars.

Sunday, March 30, 2008

A week of events

12:01 PM

This week had been packed with various events. I had a great time with my friends though I wasn't feeling that well physically. On tuesday, I went to Auntie's house as usual and went to the gym but after 2km I felt giddy and a bad headache. I was shocked. I thought I would faint in the gym without anyone knowing. It had never happened such a thing all these while. I thought Im overcoming my weak stamina and physical. Anyway, I asked doctor just now and she say I was already down with flu plus I have low blood pressure history so feeling giddy was normal. So I think I won't be running this coming tue, maybe swimming instead. Cuz i just want to be more healthy by doing some exercise weekly instead of my lazy past and feel so tired always.

On wednesday night, met with veron. She is one whom I can let down my guard totally. I know she is the sister whom I can trust in. I do cherish the relationship I have with her since we got to know when I was 16. I thank god for bringing us together and ur efforts to maintain this frenship.

On thus night, I went on my date with my suicide date partner. He's a real gentlement. Who say u can't be comparable to shen ruo he? U can! I'm the one who can't possibly be compared to her. Honestly, the outing was special. Apart from eating and the eating part, we talked alot and i felt very comfortable. haha!

On fri night, tuition session wasn't very gd. He was not paying attention. Was abit worried for his coming test. Tuition teacher is stressed but student isn't. Goodness.

SATURDAY! I met with my bestie! Kaijun (jie jie?) haha! I stopped calling her jie jie since don't know when. I guess when we treated each other as best frenz? haha! Im so happy that u are so ok with my family members. U know...When I feel lost, I can always count on u. When I feel happy, I also know u are there to be happy for me. U celebrated ur important birthday last yr. Mine would be in 3 yrs time? I may not have a celebration like urs but hope to be with u though. If my life is a music piece, then u would be my key signatures, bring sharps and flats in my music. haha.

There are alot u have to learn in this tactful world. Im glad to hear from u ytd that u felt relieved to leave his control. Still, I will have to tell u in fact starting from this point in time, u will have to raise ur guard level higher. He may not use the hard way but the soft way to win u back or shake ur stand. It's HARD to make the first step, but its TOUGH(harder) to stay firm in ur stand. Whatever u are facing now is the beginning only. I had been through so im telling u there are more to come. U may not feel it but there may things be going on behind ur back. Insensitive will cause to lose the battle in such situations.

As for me, now that I have got over that stage and regained my freedom in living my life my own way with myself making decision on my own, I would start thinking about forgiving about everything and letting go all grudges against him. Is it that easy? I believe its even tougher to stay firm on my stand.

Thursday, March 27, 2008

It's worthwhile.

12:09 AM

I woke up at 9am today and started by cleaning all the ceiling fans in my house. Then I settled down with my breakfast at 10 am while watching thr last ep of The Peak. Although it's a repeated show in channel 8 but I love it cuz there's Jeanette Aw. After watching the final ep, I continued with cleaning the living room, kitchen and my own room. I was very stink by then but was hungry so no choice went down to buy food. Rested two hours from housework as I ate my lunch while watching dou niu again. Haha! So only continued my cleaning at 2pm then settled down at 3.30pm to practice my piano exam pieces. I think I overworked my hands again. My wrist is hurting again.

Ok, so why is all these worthwhile? Cuz my mum msg me and thank me for the cleaning and my dad praised that the house was very clean and neat. Although this isn't the first time Im doing cleaning, but this is kind of the first time my dad actually realised the house was cleaned. haha! He is abit blur or maybe he is not particular only my mum would know Im doing it for her every week on my own time cuz she is very particular of cleaniness and that goes the same for me.

Coming back to the same square...Am I hope to be appreciated? Am I waiting to be consented and appreciated for all my actions and efforts? I don't know but I guess even if my dad doesn't realise it, I will still carry on doing it. I guess that's the least I can do for my family. Cuz from time to time I feel bad cuz Im like still living on them. When can I ever feed myself? When can I look after them? I know its coming soon and I won't be able to run away from the responsibility by then but by then thinking about that chills me...Working life... Somehow Im looking forward cuz that's one I will start building my desire career and I can be real financially independent. However, Im quite scared of everything. haha! Nevertheless, Im reminding myself cont. that I should leave it to god and he will lead me the way. Yes, that should be it.

Lastly, watched step up 2 with veron just now. Wonderful! My cup of tea. Music! Dance! Wished to joined back into dancing but mum is rather worried of my spine condition.

Monday, March 24, 2008

Happy for others

9:46 PM

Im happy for frenz and my auntie & uncle who was baptised on sat night. I saw many many smiling faces. My elect cried. It reminds me of myself when I was confirmed. Tears just flowed uncontrollably. Once in a life time. Very touching. haha.

As you wished, you are baptised now. You told me that you are very happy and guess what I thought? Are you happy because u are now have received the holy spirit or that ur baptism have created a sarcrament and that she will be bound to you? I hope what I thought isn't what is going through ur mind and heart. Hope you would take this opportunity of being reborn to leave the past behind and start afresh with ur family. Just like dou niu yao bu yao's Shen Ruo He said only when there's love from ur dearest family would u find meaninging in pursuing anything in ur life. Similarly, fighting for promotions in ur career is not meaningful and s motivated when there's no family love as ur backup.

Holiday is ending soon. Just hope to enjoy the rest of the days with my fav show.

Thursday, March 20, 2008

Oh my!

4:31 PM

Oh my oh my! Guess who did I see just now? Just 30 mins ago! haha! I saw him! A prince to me. haha! I rmb seeing this guy on my first day in NP. I looked horrible i guess as I was chewing a sweet in my mouth. I was climbing up the stairs and he was coming down and when I looked up I was shocked. haha! Maybe cuz he was too gd looking. So since then when Liling say this or that guy is very handsome, I would say huh? no lah! haha. My frenz know this guy too and agree he is gd looking. haha. I didn't know he stays in woodlands too. He got up the bus and i saw him only when he passed by me. haha! okok, Im getting to excited. I don't know what kind of person he is but then I hope is not a flower vase. haha! It sounds like a dream cuz im just like a fan who finds him gd looking. That's it. I believe many felt that way too. Once saw him in sch with the beautiful lady who took part in one of the beauty contest last yr. Wah! If they are a couple then wow... Perfect pair. haha!

Gonna be busy starting from tonight. Nevertheless, I believe it will be fruitful. I hope to use this opportunity to get closer to god.

This para is to my dear fren who is feeling lost. Yes, its u. My suicide date partner.
Going to church every sunday is not a compulsory nor an order but it's a calling. Why do we go church every sunday or rather why do I go church every sunday cuz I felt I have to. Without going to church a week makes my inner self feel empty. I don't get to see listen to the deep relationship I built with god when the priest shares the thoughts of gospels. I also don't get to see loving and concern frenz and aunties in the church. Talking about attending to church affairs or activities, I do agree to ur frenz who encourages u to anticipate more. U know why? Cuz I felt the feeling of being lost and driven away from my faith. I was alike u. I truly believe in god and have him in my heart and pray daily. Read up the readings daily and so on but then because of exams I didnt attend my RCIA classes nor do I attend the Rites of Elections to support my frenz. I even skipped one sunday to stay at home and study. However, I feel very burned out. Very tired. Losing the motivation to go on. Fortunately, I went back to church immediately exam and felt more enriched when the gospels talked to my heart. I stood up again. I know I was driven away by material wants and neglected by spiritual needs. Similarly, u may think u r doing fine. U are putting christ first and so on but to me, actions speaks louder than words. Show it in ur actions. Try going to church this sunday and see how it may affect u and bring u back. It may help u feel alive once again. All the best! God bless.

Monday, March 17, 2008

Nice day

11:02 PM

My day started at 8.30am. I got up and prepared myself for sch. I'm still on holiday but I went back to install some software. Hmm.. Walking briskly around school gave me an experience which I didn't had before for the past 2 yrs. Im always hurrying from one end to another in sch. I have never really slowed down my pace in sch and feel the environment but I felt the difference today. Maybe I missed sch but it was great to be back sch and not needed to rush nor feel stress about any work. I had lunch in sch after my laptop was done and headed to cck to have my pedicure done. Haha. Nice work done. Still I prefer liling but she had been sent to taiwan for special training. Gd news I guess. Great opportunity had been given her to enhance her skills and knowledge. Anyway, met up with Nicole. Went partyworld with her together with my brother. I guess my brother like Nicole alot. Keep telling tales abt her to my parents. haha! Anyway, glad that my frenz like my brother and doesn't mind to have him around in our outing. haha! She was impressed by my brother's singing too. haha! Imagine a 3 yrs old boy singing "shuo ni ai wo". haha! Btw, kaijun he mentioned u to my nicole too. haha! Nicky missed u! haha.

I really don't know what has gotten him that made him deproved so much. It amused me when I actually felt alittle sad for him deep down in my heart. My heart should be dead with this frenship since yr 1. Because of my faith in christ, I learn to forgive his actions. So is it also because of my faith that I do care for such a fren still but not admit? Possible. Still, there is nothing much I would want to do as I have to protect myself first before being a giver in a frenship again. Im not ready.

From time to time, we get tempted by external factors. Our firm stand shakens, our goals in life changes its direction or maybe our feelings to people changes but question is are we human able to resist temptation? Are we able to overcome such obstacles and temptations in life? Are we able to hold on to our stand and thoughts no matter how hard it takes? Most people around might think you are wrong and maybe only 1 agrees with u but that doesn't mean u are really wrong. Everything that exist in this world is paradox...is subjective. Thus, bottom line is that the decision made by u must MAKE URSELF HAPPY. Pleasing the whole world only hinder urself from being 100% happy.

Saturday, March 15, 2008

Feasting

11:06 PM

I had two great feast today. Mum brought grandparents to chinese restaurant for lunch so got to eat gd food then dinner at royal hotel steamboat as a gift for my results. haha! Feel alittle sinful even though I ran a total of 7km this week. haha! Went to run 3.5km this afternoon while my mum had a nap at my auntie's place.

Has a small chat with auntie and our conclusion was :" See melody, Im right dont get into relationship now. It will affect our studies just like how it has affected ppl around me". Also start early so that u have gd manage in ur time and you won't get nervous or panick during exam. Jeron said I looked very confidence during the exam but to me I was only hoping to get it over and done with. Cuz maybe I started early so by the actual paper I felt so tired and burned out. Nevertheless, god blessed me. Apart from ensuring me inner peace, confidence during the exam he gave me a bonus in doing well.

I wonder if really having a boyfren would affect our results but to me is that if u can prioritise ur work, everything should be fine. So I guess my stand is that even if u don't have a relationship but u are distracted by other factors, ur results still can be affected.

I hope I will remain as focus in my goals and not be bothered by other factors and also I will stand firm on my stand. Entering into university is tough but I still hope to give it a try hence I will be giving my best shot.

Purchased a carlo rino bag for myself ytd. In fact its on sale. I was looking at it before chinese new year but felt it was too exp but ytd I was so in high spirit and there was a sale, I cared less and bought it. Haha! Had a wonder lunch with weixiang and great time with kaijun. We had ice cream and good food. haha! Sorry to make u hear the story of dou niu yao bu yao. haha!

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

Yes, Insane

12:28 AM

Yes, I'm insane to the show bull fighting but the emotional negative impact of me is becoming a positive impact on me now. I ran 3.2 km in less than 30 mins today. I broke my own record since I started gym 2 months ago. Hmm...I'm not those atheletic person so to me its a great achievement. What was in my mind then? Yes, u are right kaijun. Dou Niu Yao Bu Yao. I want the kind of "Never say die" spirit. I kept thinking abt the every single details abt e show as my mp3 plays the related music. I thought of how yi shen xue chased ruo he's car, both of them suffered under some jerks, the struggles they had in pursuing their true love and eventually those hurts ruo he suffered to help his father achieveing his business by sacrficing his love. He may think he could do it but he can't. He could in the past when his world was filled with coldness but things are never the same after he met yi shen xue. haha! Anyway, I like the ending. Shen xue accepted his proposal in a dou niu match. Very touching. haha!!!

Exams results are out this fri. What will my results be like? I don't know. God will give me the courage to open my exam results on fri.

Sunday, March 09, 2008

Im crazy

11:08 PM

Im going crazy for the show Bull fighting, Dou Niu Yao Bu Yao. In fact I kept holding myself back cuz when I saw the s.h.e's mtv of that show I was thinking this show would be very sad and emotional so I thought hmm... Better don't watch. So immediately after exam, I watched Gong zhu xiao mei cuz kaijun said it was nice. True enough it was very sweet. Angela look so pretty and elegant most of the time. Then on wed, out of the blue don't know why I type dou niu yao bu yao on youtube and started watching that till now. In fact I have completed the whole show but re-watching it again and again. Initially, I m attracted to this show cuz I favour hebe. However, after watching this show Im so attracted to Mike he's eye language. Very memerising. Cool and charismatic guy in this show. Prince like. Still...Mr Wang is my type. haha!

I cried alot more in this show than any other dramas. Why man! From the very first episode ok! Kaijun, dont scold me! In fact I would say I like the feeling cuz at least I won't spend so much time thinking abt my exam results that will be out this fri. hmm... Very very emotional show. It made me think abt love in real life. Although I don't believe that there is such prince charming acted by Mike who can be so faithful to hebe but then I do believe there may be such situation in life whereby being together, loving someone, sacrficing for someone and even getting hurt for someone will actually happen. Nevertheless...It made me realise that I really hope to have someone to protect me regardless how strong Im inside me or look hardcore on my hard shell. When someone is in love it really makes someone vulnerable. haha! But there's one crucial thing that Im happy abt...I can dream abt the scenes and cry all day long but it awoke me that relationships are hard to manage. Am I really ready for it? No. So it really brought me back to my stand that I should hold on and really get on to work and other commitments instead of dwelling on things that I may not and I wouldn't want it to happen now.

This show is really gd! But prepare a box of tissue infront of u. haha

Tuesday, March 04, 2008

Its a gift, not a right

11:36 PM

"Being a father is not a right, but a gift". The first thing that came into my mind was u again but mum looked at me and repeated that. I knew she was refering to my father. Still...why is it u not my father whom I was thinking?

Being a father is not a right, its a gift but have u cherish the gift she has given you? U didn't. It wasn't easy for the second pregnancy. She suffered but where were you? Enjoying urself in such a way.

Let's see my own father... U kept reminding me that u r my rightful father not others. I belief u have already know that I do have a dad but u have never asked me personally? We also do avoid this subject. Anyway, I can tell u that u have never cherish the gift u have as me ur daughter. I guess ur "stuff" is ur family, ur daughter, ur everything. U want me to believe u have quit all those stuffs but how can u prove and show me that u have really changed for the better? I don't know how I should trust u. Or maybe I have chose to not trust u at all since ur admission to the free chalet of Singapore.

Uncle Jimmy wants me to continue praying not only for u, but for myself. Cuz Im overcome by anger, hurts and disappointments that I might be sinning unknowingly.

Baptism is approaching. In fact its on someone's birthday. I guess god has his way to make me occupied from feeling hurt and thinking of him again. I hope after holiday I would really not feel anything when Im back to sch and coincidentally meet u. I hope frenz who are going to be baptised would be blessed with additional courage to face their new life as a catholic as for me it would be a gd experience as I was baptised when I was 4 years old.

Monday, March 03, 2008

Disgusted

11:25 PM

Your t-shirt was filled with a very sweet smell from a woman's perfume. She showed me and wanted to be the witness to prove that she isn't sensitive. If u are saying that's her own perfume, then I think I might give u a tight slap even though I may be only a kid to u. She doesn't use such sweet perfume and which woman wouldn't be able to recognise their own perfume? Goodness. I saw u slping soundly and wonder how on earth could u still slp so soundly when your world will be crumping down soon. Or maybe this is just the ending you would hope for.

When I was little, I would kiss you goodbye before mum send me to school. U was still slping soundly and u nod promising me to fetch me to KP for mac lunch after sch if u have no meeting. So I would always look out from the window, hoping to see ur car but u seldom come as u were striving hard in ur career. Nevertheless, whenever u make it to fetch me from sch, Im overjoyed. Frenz ard me envy me as u seem to be my father. A handsome father who drives bmw and I do always see u as the father role in my life since I do not have a father in my growing years.

When I was sec 2, I had to undergo the endoscopy rmb? Mum called u saying that I was afraid and what did u promise me? U would meet me at the hospital during ur lunch break. True enough, u came in ur uniform. U went thru the minor operation with me but I woke up, u left for work. Instead dad took leave and brought me for lunch and sent me home.

When I was 17, doctor told me I had to go for the major operation for my spine. Mum msg u and said Im crying badly and was feeling hopeless. U called and comforted me. Also...U came almost everyday to visit me during my hospital stay.U bought dolphin balloon to cheer me up and she bought porridge and fed me. Mum still said I was biased, I didnt want to eat the hospital food she fed me but I ate what SHE fed me. U know how much that had meant to me? Maybe u wouldn't know.

I once told mum if I would to get married one day, I hope you would be the one leading me into the church. However, mum got re married and daddy dotes and loves me alot too so the person who should be leading me to the church is dad. Still, I thought u being there giving me ur blessings would be the one I would pray for too. Unfortunately, after all ur disgusting acts, no please. Do not attend my wedding ceremony. U do not understand what is marriage so do not come with a fake heart and blessings.

I can't face u anymore. U no longer joke with me and talk to me like how it had been all these years. U were with me in my growing and maturing years n now our relationship will be ending very soon. I know I don't mean anything to you because u can be that heartless to your own children, what's me to u then?

I'm nothing to you and soon u might be nothing to me either.

Sunday, March 02, 2008

Mixture of feelings

3:45 PM

I wanted to blog about my outing ytd but just 5 minutes before I started typing a bad news came so the joyful feelings are overcoming by a gush of sadness. Well well.. So should I start by saying the happy moments or the start throwing my unhappiness? ha!

Ytd went out with Kaijun and mum to bugisas planned. We had a wonderful time I guess. Kaijun had a great time laughing at me for being for country side gal. I seemed lost when it comes to town area. haha! Anyway, it wasnt reallly fantastic as in the singing as I said I didnt have voice but I guess mum sings very well like any other time. haha. Then we had a gd time shopping and insulting MIC. haha. Also...Nice dinner and sharing. Goodness. I didn't know why I became so open to her ytd. I told her things there were personal to me but I trust her.

After dinner, she went home but I didn't. I met with my fren and we had movie together. Guess what's the crasy part? Show ended slightly after 1am and we didnt take cab home but WALKED! Goodness. That is very very far but he is very nice. He is definately a Mr Nice but too bad since e first day I know him he is someone who I can trust him 100%, knows he is there for me at anytime.

Ok, the sad thing... Divorce is the decision made. He doesn't worth anything else. Im utterly disappointed. Disgusted. Im seeing u leave my life now. I promise I will have nothing got to do with u and her. I may be biased as Im standing up for the female but u forced me to. Ur actions does not show u care abt it so forget it.