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My previous msn nick was "My life your story One day u will realise I'm gone". In fact it could be very true. It's too late when one fine day u realised that I'm no longer the person whom u always love and expect from. Maybe one day I have sealed up my world from u. Will that day happen? I don't know and I don't wish things would turn out that bad.
What is it like to be given alittle freedom in ur life? What is it like to have some control and secrets in your life? I don't deny that I have freedom in a sense to make decision whether to be out of home but then my decision will be suspected. There are many things into it that seems to me that Im very much being controlled and lost the rights of freedom.
Do you tell secrets which people shared with u with someone that has the authority to force out from u? Would u rather be scolded or suspected? I chose to be scolded or suspected. Although I wasn't scolded (not as yet) but definately suspected since hrs ago. Adults share their problem with me and although they are our family members too but that doesn't mean I have to tell u whatever had been discussed. I respect their wants to keep it as a secret. So I'm sorry I have hidden things away from u. Well. It's my life and I want to have some space for secrets of people who trust me. Can u support me to be someone trustworthy? hai.
I was asked to add another surname to my IC. I appreciate the thought of thinking twice of my feelings before u make decision for me. Though u say I have a choice but u know my weakness n how to persuade me to agree. U know family matters to me n u know how disappointed m I to my own father. Anyway, u thought of how nick will feel with diff surname n so on. U said by adding a surname, it wouldnt seem like Im not in the family. I guess if u didnt say that sentence, I would be most willing to add another surname but I was taken aback by that. Do u think name is so important? If I don't feel that Im in one family then no matter how many surnames I have, its the same. No matter what, there's the word step infront of all addressee. I don't know. I just feel like shutting myself from the world outside and cry out my heart. Where ever I go, expectations are followed with me. No matter how hard I try, it's never enough.
I was watching a chinese drama just now. What happened was the father have never show any care abt his son's feelings n emotions development, n when something happens n he tries to care n talk to his son, his son pushes him away, rejecting him. What abt me? There are simply things I can't say and the fact Im still holding on is that I have faith in christ. I no longer live my life for myself but for christ and maybe obeying u.
It's not that u didn't give enough, but it's just that you don't know what I want.
Gentleness hurts.
Stop everything. There's no ending & I can't see it either.
Who m I changing into?
I can smile brightly n frequent, but does it come from my heart? Maybe only u. Or maybe Im turning into a lesbian. Haha!!!!!!!!!!!!
Monday, April 28, 2008
I slept late last night, and had a long day today. Kind of feeling the ache all around my body. haha! Sitting too long and so on. Today's lecture was..................haha! Today's tutorial was...........haiz! Maybe I think Im too strong headed that offend people but I guess at some point in time I hate bring wishy washy. Indecisive. Take it or leave it.
Auntie & Uncle are back from KL. Their room was filled with numerous shopping bags. Branded goods. Name it all. There was my share too. Weird. haha! Then I think Auntie wants to get the baby G hebe endorsed for my birthday gift but I was saying hmm...Better not. haha!
On the way home, I had a heart to heart talk with uncle. Im so glad he does listen to me. He does think abt what I say but if he really acts it out I hope its something positive to his life. I know SHE is controlling everything but then Jesus will lead us the way. He has a SHE controlling him, & I have a big SHE controlling me. At some angle, we are experiencing the same shi*.
There are alot of things that we talked that was in relation to my previous entry n i guess Im seeing alittle light. Maybe I guess, I will really think upon it before really reflecting.
"Do not reconsider, so what it may turn out positive or negative? Leave it to fate". If u have put in ur 200% effort, then don't regret. Aiming for the desired GPA and grades for this and that are really tying me down. Also, causing a serious burn out.
What vs Need
12:43 AMIt's already monday and I have just finished my Treasury tutorial. It had been a tiring and long weekend. Sat, supervised tuition student doing my mum's chinese test paper then started my maths drilling with him since 10 am till 1.30pm. By then I guess I was dying of hunger and he was dosing off. haha! We had lunch together and then I came home to clean the house till 5pm. Practiced piano and went to rest awhile. I think my body was resting on the bed but my brain was cont working. Received a msg at ard 6.30pm just before I laid on the bed. Since then I got very worked up. Couldn't rest in peace. Anyway, I gave up and went for dinner instead then started investment tutorial till midnight.
Today, church~hospital~treasury tutorial~out for dinner~cont tutorial. Treasury in relation to econs drives me nuts but I like it. Goodness! I'm mad.
Anyway, over the weekend something meaningful has occured to me. It's abt my wants and needs. What's my wants and needs? I really don't know. I'm confused. I want academic achievements? I want to be a banker? I want to be an outstanding pianist? I want to be active in church? I want to be there for frenz whenever they need me? I want to be happy no matter how much shi* has collapsed on me & I guess many other characteristics I demand from myself. So now, what is that I need? Maybe bottom line would just be being love is what I need.
Everyone wants to be love and also needs to be love to find significance and motivation to live our lives but what's is the source of love? Religion, family, relatives & frenz?
According to the bible and the my belief as a catholic is that Jesus is always loving and he loves us the most. No matter what we become or have done, we are still his beloved children. However, family and frenz does not love unconditionally like Jesus. Let's say family. My brother has been repeating this sentence:"I don't love u. I love mummy, I love daddy but I don't love u". Somehow although I know he is just a kid. I shouldn't use a 19 yr old brains to interpret what he had said but it still hurts. He doesn't want u nor find u. He says Im too fierce but in the family, if Im not going to be the fierce and devil, he will be spoilt. Anyway, maybe the love I really need or want(?) is not what has been given.
Auntie say Im treating mum as my boyfren already. Im giving everything to her. (Haiz but she does not appreciate it and suspects me of this and that. Also, her actions and words. haiz! Whatever) To me its seems like there is an empty hole infront of me n im throwing stones hoping to cover it. However, it doesnt seem to be filled no matter what.
Since young, I don't have both parents in my family. I yearn to be loved even though I know my mum gave her 200% of what she can. So when frenz treat me well, I will give in everything I have to maintain the positive relationship. However, what is it that really matters?
Nice songs from stefanie Sun...
Maybe without love and feelings, I will be happier. If u ask what matter most to me, I would say a peaceful life. However, no matter how hard I try daily, its tough to achieve. So don't ask me. Leave me alone. I dont want anyone to give me happiness, because happiness will really bring unhappiness. I really don't know how. So please leave me alone at this minute.
I thought a simply life, could slow down my pace. However, my love was there but it seems invisible. Maybe its fate that has arrange me to be more firm of my stand but how should I understand it. I just realised I'm afraid of hurts, hope & the truth.
Friday, April 25, 2008
Friday
6:51 PMIt's Friday. TGIF, Thank God is Friday. I hope to use the weekend to catch up with some work as I won't be having any time to do tutorials and so next week. Mum and Auntie have proposed to schedule the tuition up for Melvin and Elia's upcoming exam. Feeling alittle stressed up after seeing my schedule for next week. Although there's a public in between but I think it seems it is busier for me. Starting from tml then, Mon, wed, fri, sat and Mon again. I think I will be dosing off almost everyday in class then but I simply love teaching maths. There's this sense of satifaction maybe because I like calculations. As for Elia...English...haha! Not my call but I feel happy to help my auntie share her load in teaching her daughter.
Today LL asked me a very funny question as I lay on her shoulder. Will u want to have someone to rely on when u are really very tired physically, mentally and emotionally? I answered yes, of course. No matter how strong I m, Im still a gal. haha! I wanted to ask her are u afraid Im not straight? haha!!!! Anyway, she asked me to rate the comfortability of her shoulder n I say I prefer one that is taller and broader and she rolled eye. haha! Honestly, Im so glad when she came to find me before lecture. I was feeling so moody and tired this morning during tutorial and when I lay on her, I almost want to cry. haha! So comforting and secured.
Sounds as if I like to cry. No hor! Just that I think there are many things I use heart to feel n not my brains to think. Brain are restrictions to me. It makes me feel so sad. It limits whatever I do. Or should it be feelings restricting me from doing things? Hmmm. Anyway, there are pros and cons of having brains to think and a heart to feel. It's great to have it working cooperatively but it is a torture to one's wellbeing when it doesn't agree to each other.
No more youtube drama but do listen to songs while doing work. So well...previous entry's wordings was really what I feel and think. haha! Kaijun, do u have that song by zhang sao han? Can help me find? I will love u more if u could get it for me! haha! Im straight.........
Why do I feel so de-organised and rather stressed in the beginning of the semester? Is it because nothing has fallen into place or I am not on track as yet?
It's so crowded and noisy around. Working pace are all quickening. I need to work fast and get used to it but why Im hoping to slow down? Quieten down? Maybe I should leave home on sat alone while mum is away to somewhere which I could really feel my presence and breathing. Or maybe I should calm myself down with waves accompanied by the blowing of wind. Wonderful. It's the best natural music.
Thursday, April 24, 2008
Great
9:58 PMGreat Great Great. Today's lesson was gd for WISP but bored for EPM until the end of the lesson. haha! He was talking about leadership and the essential qualities. Aiya, he is saying me lah. Does not care only about own interest but also grp member's interest. haha! Then liling was laughing lah. Anyway, that made us more awake.
I was listening to Angela Zhang's song. Very meaningful lyrics.
是谁在我的背后说什么, 好象又没说. 一颗心总被你悬在半空中, 难受. Don't really know. 需要你的时候, 感受你的温柔, 能不能勇敢说爱. 也许到最后你还是要走.
My so called bodyguard ask me not to bother. Do not let it bother my mood. Yeah, so let's hope i can really call it off but things are always easier said than done.
I didn't know gentleness can hurt so much too. I didn't know.
ha! U know I'm improving alittle ytd. Mum lectured me regarding IAP stuffs. Only one drop fell down my cheeks and that's it. I forced myself back. Harden my heart and that's it. I guess do not think too much might help. The more I think, the more I feel sad, depressed and seems everything unreasonable.
Time reveals everything? I wonder if that's true at times but Im gonna leave as it is. If that's it, god will show me that that's what he has planned.
Wednesday, April 23, 2008
Wondering
7:36 PMI'm wondering quite alot these days. Maybe it was the gospel readings that led me to wonder the beauty in everything that is happening around us and to us. Things we see and things we encounter. Just these 2 days, I have veron and pa calling me to ask how m I n all that... These 2 ppl are those that we could only contact each other maybe once in a mth to interact and so on cuz everyone is bz with their own life. Nevertheless, I felt so touched that veron said Im always in her mind. ha! Somehow why these days people are making me feel so special? Ha! I hope not everyone would be the same as to throw me away after attaining their goals then. May it be doing something for me, saying something to me and after they get their desired reaction, there goes. I'm useless. haha!
I'm sure people like to be want. People like to be remembered, cherished and treated slightly special. It's a bonus between 2 parties. Like Auntie, Nicole, L, Veron & KJ. It might not be something great but what I see is the thoughts and not the value. Am I sentimental? I don't know. Maybe I am but I make sure people who fooled me will get hell from me too.
There are things which are in me that are erupting like volcano. I won't be beautifying my words cuz I don't think there is a need anymore. What is that do u want? What is the reason for all ur doings? Do u know whats ur goal? May it be answers from ur wise brain or emotions. Question it. Search it. After u understood what is that which u want, show it in ur actions and words.
While I was feeling agitated...I asked myself why I feel agitated? What's the source of it? Do I know what I personally want too? Maybe I'm not focus yet. Maybe it's because it's the beginning of the semester or because I just simply can't get settled down. My gd fren say she will protect me. Goodness. I don't need to be protected. I'm not weak. I'm not one who is in love, who does not know what to do nor want to run away from anything. I'm not a coward. Whatever the case is...I'm gonna strengthen my defense. I neither allow the outer nor inner side of me to be hurt. I don't need anyone to do something to the great extend for me if u have other motive. I can handle it myself.
Sometimes things which we thought it was so special, may not be as special to others. Likewise, things that we may be stubborn in holding on, may be the worst burden ever. Also, things that u may not like it, just simply say u don't like it. Don't do something for the sake of making someone happy and then leave after ur unsound motive had been attained.
Bull fighting shen ruo he:" U will only be weak to someone u love. All fake mask and principles that u struggled to hold on will break away." Is love that powerful? Yes, because it has the ability to make someone complete, and to tear someone apart.
Monday, April 21, 2008
Weak
9:42 PMI think I'm feeling alittle stronger from the flu virus but then well...I have to carry on eating vitamin C for these 2 weeks until I have recover totally. I Want to recover! I want to go for my running! Well...Recovering from one, another comes back. My hands are aching. I wonder why after I do house work, the aches will get very bad. Making matter worst I don't have much time to practice my piano in the day so usually I will practice after doing all housework. After that my hands will be trembling and I will be awaken by the sharp pain in my hands esp wrist in the middle of the night. I wonder why m I so weak? I guess I really have Arthritic problems. My piano teacher has it too but then she has been playing piano all her life and I have just started for a few yrs. What she analysed was that I shouldnt practice too long daily plus I have bone problems. That might be due to weaker bones? Nah! I doubt. I might have lower iron and calcium maybe but not weak or brittle bones. That's not whaty my spine problem is about and anyway I had the operation it is fine already just that I will have aches and all that esp in cold.
I wonder if I should really reflect on feelings and thoughts here. You left after making me and my frenz wondering. They felt something wasn't right but you was firm on ur replies that u think we are just that. So now u ask urself how u treat gals? Do u treat them all like that? Even ur god sis? The gal which u think u like? Why is it that ur gentlemanly traits will be showing out? Do u think u are really softer? Everyone can be tough to anyone but when it comes to some people, they won't be able to help it but soften down. I have same encounterments too. I'm not les but Im very tough on some people but I can be very soft to my best fren. She is my buddy for almost my lifetime already. I let down my guard when with her. So what do u mean by u shall not crumble under pressure or love? Ask urself again, who is the gal u like? Don't be misled neither should u mislead anyone.
Am I, are we living in denial? How many does live in denial? We live in denial when we are confused between our logical thoughts and emotions. Emotions don't go along with what we want mentally. Similarly, we might know its impossible but it happened. That's when problems occurs.
Shen Ruo He said :"No matter how many fake mask we wear, no matter how much promises we told ourself to keep, it will break infront of someone u like." Feelings say it all. HAHAHA! So don't like nor love anyone. Chill ur heart!!! Freeze it!
Saturday, April 19, 2008
Great time
2:48 PMI had a great time with Auntie ytd. She came to sch to meet me after my lecture and we went for lunch at plaza sing for Indonesian Lunch. We had a gd chat. I shared with her some of my inmost feelings. She as a mother could tell me what a mother would really expects and do for their kids. Similarly, I was ensured that what I thought SHE was doing was right. She is afraid that I follow her footstep hence is over-protective. Nevertheless, I told myself in all mankind, she's the most import person to me and I love her. Love will overcome all unhappiness and hurts. I hope so...
Auntie said she felt that Im too close to HER already. I tell her everything until im like treating her like my boyfren more than a parent. haha. I was taken aback. It seems rather true. So now that I might reserve some things from HER would make HER suspect me. Maybe I guess but still I feel that Im already doing my best and am still trying to do it better.
The fact that auntie felt Im treating her like my boyfren and not my parent made me realised something. My fren told me Im someone who takes achievements over relationships but I say no. It's because I have nothing left to give my partner to be in a relationship. I have given my everything to family. I may develop feelings for someone but I guess its hard for me to express that as love. Getting into a relationship is not my call now so even if i might have feelings for someone I would keep it in me and not let the other party know. So how should I get it out of my head? I devote all my focus into achievements. I guess that's really it. I may be competitive but it is also a fact that love can change, shake and chase me.
I'm very touched by ur thoughtful actions. Never has someone done that for me. It's me who is always doing that for others. Thank so much! I know you are trying to cheer me up after what happened the beginning of the week but don't worry the inner me is strong though emotional. haha! I bet u didn't read my previous entry in pink fonts. If not, u won't be getting me gifts after being "scolded" by me. haha! Anyway, thanks!
Thursday, April 17, 2008
I'm back!
7:07 PMI'm feeling so much better today! Hey Hey I'm back! What enlightened me? The gospel reading for yesterday was like a message directed to my heart.
How do most people make decisions? Some list the good points and bad points involving a certain course of action and take what seems to be the most reasonable or rational choice. Other flip a coin and believe in fate. However, the early christians used none of the these methods. They prayed and fasted in the spirit and allowed themselves to be guided. It requires patience and the giving up of one's ego. But making spiritual decisions is not about smart human judgement, competition, or 'being right'. It's about listening and truly living a spirit-based life.
I cried as I read that yesterday night. It was like an answer to my sadness and doubts. I am someone who aims to win though I know winning is not all in life. Just like what Shen ruo he said :"In the business world, winning is everything, others are not important". I could have won and reserve the rights of doing that question but I brought down my ego and gave it to her. She commented Im stupid to make such a decision. Yes, it may not be a smart human judgement and it may not be the right decision but it is a way of truly living a spirit-based life. I once thought of competiting with that gal since the other question I chose falls on the same day for presentation but Im gonna abandon that intention and purely do my best for my own results.
There's one saying which I remebered reading from sunday's mass. By reducing more of ourself and doing more for christ, it would be a way of living closer to christ. I guess I finally understood what it meant.
Although Im not sure if I would be able to do the same thing in my own career (esp when everyone is fighting for promotion in a financial sector), but I guess when the time comes there will be the calling which I had experienced.
One more thing that reminded me to stop thinking so much was the current novel I was reading. There's this judge who said: "I can only judge someone legally and not morally". Also she said as a mother that she realised that what she is giving her daughter isn't what she actually needed.
In my case, she does not know what I exactly needed at that moment. It was comfort I needed but ended up being scolded. Anyway, she tried her best giving means the way she understood.
She is a very tough woman. She do things all in her own way and she doesn't sees any problem with that. I guess no matter how hurt I might be, I love her alot and that matters more than anything. Hurts will recover I hope. I hope it won't come chasing me.
Lastly, suicide partner u can knock ur head against the wall lah...U sound so sweet by saying ur shoulder would be there for me but in the beginning u said like...The msg wasn't specially for me. Goodness...No gals would be crasy for u lah...Reflect!!! haha! Thanks anyway!!! Ur shoulder is mine. haha! Well.. I don't want to be beaten by the numerous gals waiting for u.
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
Insignificant
9:26 PMA cont. of my previous entry.
I sound so naggy but then I have yet to get over everything.
I was reflecting on the remark that Im stupid. You want me to be that kind of fighter u want... So should I actually say :" Since I'm the rep, I have the rights to choose the question first. Whether you can handle the question, is your own problem. Why must I change with u?" Do you want me to be the ignorant and heartless person? I know u care abt my feelings due to the lost but I guess ur remark was worst than losing that question. Instead of support or comfort, you used the hard way. I don't need that. I don't need lecture.
I'm keeping our conversation short. You might feel that I might have a boyfren or what kind of shit but then its my way of preventing myself from exploding my anger and temper. Even if I really have a boyfren, u will blame me and scold me but have u thought carefully the reason. I told u im keeping my promise to u no matter how hard it takes. I'm really hurting and bleeding inside even though I don't show it out. But u? U have never believe me. U even thought my indian fren in my church is my boyfren. U kept reprimanding me that u can never accept an indian. I was damn pissed at the moment! He's near 30 and we are just gd frenz. Celebrating his birthday with other frenz is very normal. Unlike me. U have never like people celebrate my birthday for me. Whenever my frenz asked me out to celebrate, u always ask me why must other ppl celebrate my birthday. U are right. Im wrong to do that.
I don't know why suddenly all unhappiness are just pouring out. I always thought my life is so wonderful. I guess it is wonderful just that Im feeling emotional these days. Or maybe the flu bug in me is making me feel so weak emotionally and physically.
Did u purposely post two msg to me in ur entry, suicide partner? Thank but do u know what I really want? Need?
I need a shoulder to lie on. I need the sense of want. I need...need...need... want...want...want... I'm lonely...
I dislike my current self. I feel very emotional, weak and small inside.
I would want to turn myself into a hardcore fella inside out no matter what it takes.
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
U wanted me to leave and I did
9:41 PMWhat's the defination of understanding someone? Knowing someone? I'm not refering to frenz but love ones? Or maybe there's no such thing as understanding or knowing someone because human are ever changing. One min we might act and think this way but it might never be the same anymore in the next min.
Hurts are getting deeper and deeper. Signs of hurts and anger are reaching to a certain limit that it is showing it in my reaction or respond to anything involving u. I know by talking nicely to u or exploding it out with my unhappiness will only make me look more like a devil. Sometimes I really wonder if u are the Model to be learnt by many people. Sometimes I really felt as though being controlled or restricted even though u don't see it that way.
These 2 weeks it had occured to me that u are just not happy with whatever I do. I really don't know what should be it anymore. People ard me sees me as the 24/7 binding ur means but u see me none of it. When I want to go out, u give me that impression as though u r not happy with it and allow me reluctantly. Then when I don't go out or cancel my appointments and ppl commented Im country side gal u say Im the one who wants to stay put. What is that u want? or maybe u don't even know what u want.
You said I must be the sensible adult by now but on the other hand u say Im still a child and shut me off. So what is that I am now? Congrets, u have successfully killed me. I really felt as though Im a monster. I'm neither this nor that. I'm perfect only in the eyes of christ because he created me.
Talking abt christ, u scolded me stupid today. Yes, I am stupid when it comes to a fighter but Im not in the name of christ. I gave away the question for my marketing individual presentation to someone else after she pleaded and make all kinds of noise behind of me. Yes, Im stupid. In the future I can't let other ppl's lost to affect me and my decision. Though I still think that question was easier for me too but I had this call to give it up to her. Nevertheless, I believe that whatever goes around, comes around. There will be a day I might be the one left with no choice and have to choose another question that seem tougher to me. So why should I push her to the end if there might be a possibility which I can still handle and do well for this topic. Even if I don't have confidence in myself, I must have confidence in Christ. He knows Im doing what I felt from his call and Im sure he will guide me. Bull Fighting's Yi Shen Xue said:" 6 balls to judge the outcome of the game, the opponent has not threw in the last ball, the match isn't over. So i say 6 balls to judge the outcome of the game, I have not even throw a single ball, the match has not even started not saying end. I would choose attack the question and solve it instead of sitting here and feel sad for not being able to get the question.
I'm stupid to u but Im not to Christ. I don't know if I would respond the same way to similar situation if it happened to me in my career but at least I know what I have done isn't against my conscience presently. U said I was very stupid and that christ is abt loving and not being stupid but I say actually Im loving myself more by doing that cuz I doing a gd deed might not only help others but my own future. Do u really think u are very supportive to me when it comes to religion? Whenever I meet any problems, u would just ask me to pray but is that all? Many around me knows that u aren't that supportive and also knows that Im struggling very hard to make them believe that u are supportive to me.
Do u exactly know what I want? I might be as sad as bull fighting's shen ruo he :" I'm very sad because my most loving--- does not really understands me. Why must I always score 100% in everything I do".
Love really could shake me, change me and chase after me. Im making myself believe that its because of me feeling so down that I look upon it. I hate myself this way. Where's the hardcore and spikey front of me? How can I harden my heart? I don't want to feel anything. Neither do I want anyone to be let it to my inner heart. There might be a day when u can only rely on URSELF at all events.
Bull Fighting's yi shen xue said :" I'm not scared to lose cuz I always own". I thought Im not scared to lose achievements and so on. Im not scared to lose the right to do that question cuz I always have ur support. However, what u told me was...Im stupid and I would regret.
Tears falling... Who's there? I'm bleeding inside.
Sunday, April 13, 2008
Wonderful day!
12:30 AMIt had been a wonderful day! I guess its a beautiful way to put my holidays to a fullstop and get cracking with school work starting from monday. I met up with my sec maths teacher. Heez! She's my best fren since sec 1 and Im her baby. haha! She's a very young teacher and got married last yr. Loving couple. He is nice. He went for my piano recital last yr with my teacher and met up with us for coffee after our shopping. Way to go! haha!
Anyway, we had a hard time meeting each up. I got off at the wrong station in town so we changed our venue from fareast to cineleisure but my teacher got off her bus at The grand Cathay. Horrible. She had to walk from plaza sing to centerpoint then I went to meet her there. She say wanna eat mos burger so I went to find but end up it has closed down some timer back. Goodness, then I called her and yet again we changed our meeting venue. haha! We had subway for lunch. She was overjoyed that her student was treating her. haha! I promise her I will give her better when I earn my own keep cuz I owe her alot since sec 1. Then we went for shopping. Goodness. It was great! I bought 2 espirit top and she got 1 from zara and mng. We shared alot with each other and went mad together. Ya, I hope I will be able to still maintain this teacher cum fren relationship with her though it might be alittle tough if she has her own baby. haha!
I went Clarke Quey with my step family just now. We had dinner together and went our own way. My dad brought my brother to play the water which many ang mo took pictures of him and my mum brought me to the clubs area. Wow! My jaws almost drop. That's what the so called clubbing looks like. haha. I have never been there and try what it really is. Mum said she doesn't mind to bring me clubbing. Whoa! Mum and daughter! haha! My mum is sexy! Maybe all attention will go to her. haha.
My dad and brother's birthday is in May. Next mth. That's so fast. Soon............It will be mine turn! haha! Goodness. Another yr and my age will start with the digit 2. Im old!!! I'm 9 years old........haha!
Thursday, April 10, 2008
Thoughts
4:21 PMWhat's the defination of Dreams to you? I guess I'm really hoping for some replies from this question from people around me. Are dreams just some flashes due to over-active brain in the day? That's the technical explaination but I guess I don't really buy into that saying. I'm more into the physcological side. That's this chinese saying: " Ri You Suo Si, Ye You Suo Meng". That's maybe what Im always thinking that trigger off that in my dreams. However, what I have dreamt yesterday wasn't what I have been thinking all these days. Or maybe I made myself think that I don't think abt it. Maybe that's what my inner most is really thinking and feeling about. The feeling was fear and it felt real when I woke up. I woke up with a bad headache at 8am, went back to slp and woke up at 11am. The headache was still there but hunger was worst, ate alittle and went back to slp till 1pm before I got myself ready for piano lesson.
On the road, I kept thinking what was the reason that made me dream of those scenes and worst that person. My fren was right, I was watching too much of drama. In Bull fighting, yi shen xue's msg to shen ruo he was that she wasn't afraid if losing (him), cuz she would always own (her family love). Similarly, I think deep down in me Im not afraid of losing achievements? people (exclude family)? cause I know I always have a strong family backup and that's what I will always own. However, what happened in my dream was that the thing that I was going to lose is my family. My family went on that person's side and I lost everything in a split min.
It sends shivers down my spine. I felt awlful! Firstly, I guess grudges against that person have not resolved deep down in my heart. Secondly, Im not gd in winning people's heart. I'm not a booklicker. Thirdly, Im no one in my grandparents eyes. Maybe it has improved but I guess still as gd as nothing. I'm not trying to compare as it is them that is always comparing.
In bull fighting, in the business world, the rule is only to win, never lose but why must we always achieve 100%? Especially achieving it without feeling happy or losing something dearest to you?
Goodness...Im really reading too much in everything. Is it gd or bad? I think its bad.
Wednesday, April 09, 2008
Don't deserve
12:43 AMI received my first tuition fees. Hmm. Far too much from what we agreed on. Though I know she said Im charging too low but then I thought it was quite ok. Nevertheless she gave me alot alot more than what we agreed on. I was pretty shocked! My heart almost jumped out I guess. She just smiled and said don't worry. I'm just covering all your transportation fees. Transportation fees does not cost that much! Goodness. I feel that I don't deserve so much more. I don't teach as gd as the other qualified and well trained teacher. Maybe the only thing that was advantage to my couz was that it was one-to-one and I really try very hard to make the lesson beneficial to her. Ahh... I don't know. The way I see it I really need to work even harder to make her money worthwhile if not I won't feel gd taking her money.
RCIA lesson ended today for batch 26. Im glad all my frenz are baptised and starting from today they will be starting their catholic life independently. It may sound gd or bad. Gd as u are going to learn more when u r to face everything alone but bad as in u might fumble and ur sponsor is not there to be with u but still u have ur godma and I believe christ is there guiding u. So no worries! However, I feel alittle sad as I won't be able to see these frenz every tuesday like how it had been for the past yr. Though we will conduct a small grp for bible study but then its unlike RCIA. I will be continuing my journey in RCIA in batch 27. I hope I will meet more friendly and nice people like those I have met in this batch. I'll pray hard.
Sucide date partner, u betrayed me! I asked u to watch Bull fighting not Devil besides me! U idiot. It looks so cool to see Mike He and Hebe together not with Rainie. Ok sorry, I don't like Rainie. U..............................!!!!!!!!!!!
Friday, April 04, 2008
Winning or losing is more important?
11:52 PMThis is my second entry of the day cuz something kept me thinking the whole day after reading my suicide date's blog.
Is winning or losing more important to me?
Immediately before further thoughts I would ans winning cuz that's what my fighting spirit is all about right? It's all about attaining what I have targetted or aimed for. However, after much thoughts and considerations about it, I don't really feel that winning is that important to me. In my life, there were many ups and downs. Maybe what u see right now is the successful side of me but there's always a long failure story behind the successful sight that u see. What set off my split personality in me started in my sec sch yrs. I can be fragile and emotional but I can also be very strong headed and fearless. It's just who Im facing that decides which personality would appear. I lost badly in the past but I held on and Im now who I am. Even so now I have not won. There's nothing such as winning but a positive or negative outcome from what u were doing. Maybe by seeing in that way, things seems brighter yeah?
Let's say in a frenship can I say I have won a fren over from another tactful fren? I mean he set the challenge between us and now after a yr, i managed to prove to her he isn't the angel she thinks. Although most of it were evidence she seen it herself but still does that meant I won the challenge he has set? No. It merely only shown that being trueful and sincere to ur fren will lead u to positive outcome in the frenship no matter how much down turns they went through.
I know you are feeling very confused. You know you are lagging behind ur frenz who are performing so well and yet u are facing so many shit from the customers but have u thought the experience u may gain? I may not be as gd as u in customer relations. It may be hard not to compare with people around u but then I guess the best person u should compare with is urself. How different are u as before? Are u still the same person when it comes to customer service before ur internship? Stop looking at results, but the process. U may gain more than u ever think. I never thought my internship could really benefit me until last sem. It reflected in my results and life. I wasn't as stress and nervous as I was. In fact my frenz saw my changes. I was more calm and confident. Well.. bottomline it isn't all about results but how u really felt and think. Does it make an impact on u. Changes might not be visible but say things u have not thought before but this internship made u think of it, its in fact a change already.
So if u would to ask me the above question, I would ans u its the process. The process of regaining my stand after I lost or failed in the game.
Strong Virus
12:51 PMThere's a strong cold virus going around. Just when I thought I'm recovering, this morning I felt worst than ever. The flu virus was still in me. I couldn't slp well last night as I was having dry cough and this morning I felt the world spinning. haha! Told my mum maybe tml can't meet auntie and uncle for ktv. Only then my mum got alittle worried and made me to try various medicines. Hopefully it would help my condition. Who prefers to be sick? Who actually likes to feel drowsy even without any medication? Flu virus...............
Received my new piano books ytd. These books will be used to prepare myself for my coming exam. Well...Mdm chan started with sight reading. Goodness. I feel that Im so lousy but she thinks Im ok. While on the way home, I felt so down. Im scared I would fail or not do well. Maybe because it was people around me who couldn't believe that my teacher is actually sending her student for grade 5 exam when I have not went for any lower grade exams. However, suddenly something strucked me! Dou Niu yao bu yao. Yi shen xue once said:" Why m I feeling down? Shen ruo he has not throw the last ball, the match isn't over. I shouldn't give up". Similarly, I still have 3 months. Since my three master piece are almost done already then I should put all my focus in areas Im weaker in then. I shouldn't give up even in the last min. Her fighting spirit was for her love one and my fighting spirit is for something I always love; Music.
Wednesday, April 02, 2008
Come & Go
12:44 AMI'm finishing my novel titled Second Glance by my favourite author, Jodi Picoult. It's a mixture of police investigation, eerie and love story. It's a great book and anyway all of her book that I have read never fails to suprise me. The ending of her novels are nothing like the typical drama we watch on tv. It's within our expectations. Well... This novel brings me the grieve of someone's death whom was so dear to many people around her. Yet she came back in lieu searching for something which she left or couldn't bring along with her. She fought on for her love one (her stillborn baby) till her last breath. She's sucidal because she has a possessive husband and the tremendous stress she was facing due to various reasons such as her own physical health. It's her fighting spirit which I elude and respect. However, does this only happen in novels and movies? Does it happen in real life too? Just like Taiwan Love drama does it only happen as in drama and not real life?
The novel is about a new born baby and the death of the mother at the same time. As for me, what about someone who is ageing and losing his will power to live? I thought :" Why couldn't he have the fighting spirit this woman in the novel, Lia have? Even if he is not fighting for himself why can't he fight for people around him who loves him and are worried for him?". It set me thinking again :" He is old, he may be too tired to carry on the battle with all the pains in him for the past month". Seeing tears, red-eyes and sadness in their faces as they stepped out of the operating theater, I knew it wasn't good news. In fact I am the most emotional one among all I guess but no tears fell. Maybe I have not face up to the fact or rather I just don't have the close intact or bonds with him. In fact I hope I wouldn't regret whatever I felt if we really lost him but in this point in time I really don't know how I should react or what I should do. The only thing I can do now is to make sure there's my presence at all important times even though if that means waiting outside. Also, that goes without saying that I will be praying more for him.
Maybe our loss might be a gain for him. At least he is free from sufferings. Back to the arms of christ.