04/01/2006 - 05/01/2006
05/01/2006 - 06/01/2006
06/01/2006 - 07/01/2006
07/01/2006 - 08/01/2006
08/01/2006 - 09/01/2006
09/01/2006 - 10/01/2006
10/01/2006 - 11/01/2006
11/01/2006 - 12/01/2006
12/01/2006 - 01/01/2007
01/01/2007 - 02/01/2007
02/01/2007 - 03/01/2007
03/01/2007 - 04/01/2007
04/01/2007 - 05/01/2007
05/01/2007 - 06/01/2007
06/01/2007 - 07/01/2007
07/01/2007 - 08/01/2007
08/01/2007 - 09/01/2007
09/01/2007 - 10/01/2007
10/01/2007 - 11/01/2007
11/01/2007 - 12/01/2007
12/01/2007 - 01/01/2008
01/01/2008 - 02/01/2008
02/01/2008 - 03/01/2008
03/01/2008 - 04/01/2008
04/01/2008 - 05/01/2008
05/01/2008 - 06/01/2008
06/01/2008 - 07/01/2008
07/01/2008 - 08/01/2008
08/01/2008 - 09/01/2008
09/01/2008 - 10/01/2008
10/01/2008 - 11/01/2008
11/01/2008 - 12/01/2008
12/01/2008 - 01/01/2009
01/01/2009 - 02/01/2009
02/01/2009 - 03/01/2009
03/01/2009 - 04/01/2009
04/01/2009 - 05/01/2009
05/01/2009 - 06/01/2009
06/01/2009 - 07/01/2009
07/01/2009 - 08/01/2009
08/01/2009 - 09/01/2009

Liling
Nicole
Kaijun
Marlin

Designer: X X
Image: X
Hosts: X X X
Font: X

5:18 PM

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

8:23 PM

Revision

12:56 AM

Revision for common test are on the run. I started this afternoon but Andrea was already "Har-ing" at me. She couldn't believe I start only now cuz she has started I guess last friday. haha! I mean well. I was very busy over the weekend with my project stuff and I couldn't stand the oily floor of my hse. It was the bandaged thing fo my leg that caused the floor to be oily lah. So I cleaned the whole hse today lor and hmm rested for awhile before studying Investment. I have planned out my schedule for this week's revision already. If everything goes well & i complete everything I have planned for every single day, I would most likely be able to be on time for all papers. Andrea said she is very confident in me but haha! I'm constantly reminding myself I can do it, to reduce the stress im building on inside me. Hoping to stay cool outside. haha!

Today, as usual went to fetch nick from sch. Dad has meetings on monday & mum will always take the chance to have dinner outside w/o 2 monkeys (ya, thats me & nick). Well.. DATING! So I bought KFC for nicky's dinner cuz he wanted the chicky toy that is promoting now. Glad he is very happy today. Don't know why but he is in high spirit. haha!

Was watching my doctor show on channel U just now. Hmm. Very funny!!! Paul asked Francis something that made her so stunned! She didn't reply and as he left she saw his disappointment and happy ending. She realised how important is Paul to her. Paul said in his thoughts that u will only miss the presence of someone when he/she is away ur side for one moment. I was thinking is this loneliness? Paul felt that he realised feelings developed unknowingly. Whoa! There are also other "love stories" among the other doctors. Very funny and cute!!!

I'm crazy? What about you? Getting high now adays! Crazy boy.

Don't take anything for granted because anything that u receive or encounter are planned by god. He gives u what he think u deserve, he won't give u what u can't bear no matter how much u beg for. He knows u best because he is ur creator. Whoa!

Sunday, May 25, 2008

Changes

12:43 PM

I have made various changes in my blog. Starting from my url to profiles. Though background remains and the fact that my blog is still black. haha! Maybe it's like the changes in me. Outside, I'm still the same gal, but I know there are transformation in me. I'm still ME in character and personality wise but hmm...the other variables that makes me are in the process of transformations. I was thinking why m I so emotional and weak these days & I remembered Auntie Susan was commented that I'm in the transition of maturity. Maybe that explains it all? Maybe my mum is still the same or maybe her age is catching up but there's alot of problem in me too. I'm changing. May it be positively or negatively but I guess it's just part & parcel in life.

While praying and reflecting in church today, I realised that by controlling my thoughts and feelings from wandering, I will feel so much happier! haha! Though I may sigh from time to time, but maybe by not thinking and demanding answers to my why(s) is a way to prevent me from being so emotional and moody like the past 1 mth.

Ytd while in the hospital, there was two occasion which I really reason out to my mum. One was she insulting me for being a busier person than her. I told her right into her face for not being sarcastic and what I meant wasn't what she had interpreted. What I wished was that I could book days which tuition will resume before I schedule some proj deadline on the same date that would kill myself. I told her what I meant was the macro view, not the micro view. Thus, helping her with the clothes is not a prob! I helped her up with the laundry despite of my leg prob. So I told her:" Do u not agree I will always do my best to whatever you want me to do?" She didn't reply. Whoa!!! First time, I made her go speechless. The other was when we talked about the relationship between a male and female in the new era after reading an article in the newpaper ytd. Before I could really say my thoughts she say:"Ya, I know. Guys ard u all take u as a guy or brother too". I ask her why she thinks that way she say "Because u are like me, our char & personality is not to the girlish kind". I was taken aback. I agree that guys ard me won't see or notice me otherwise but I feel that my mum's char is too aggressive. Sometimes when dealing with people, i see the reflection of my mum in me & Im shaken. I agree that she is a very strong lady & somewhat I'm like that but other than that the way she talk , interpret and interact with ppl I guess, it's something I will have to improve on in my generation. Anyway, I guess what my mum reaction was like she was afraid to hear that I have someone special. So I wouldn't scare her with it then. It's the truth? I don't know eh. Liling? hahahahahaha!!! My dear!

I was talking about EQ & IQ that I realised that was what I always challenge myself to have. Apart from looking into that qualities in people ard me, I expect myself to have high EQ too. I always challenge myself to be determine, perseverance, patient & be humble to both failure & success. However, for the past 1 mth, I almost gave all these qualities up. Nevertheless, I'm getting better physchologically now. I'm ready.

I'm not gonna stop. Not gonna stop till i get my shot to turn my life around, today is the day.

Friday, May 23, 2008

Social Prob

11:49 PM

I guess there's a trade off for my leg injuries. I personally experienced a few social problems here. Take for instance this morning when I was on my way to school. When the MRT arrived at clementi, this gal physically used her hands to push my back out of the MRT. I told this to Andrea & she say I was such a poor thing & she was worried for my physical being but u know what did I do to that gal? Once we got out of the train, I turn back and realised she should be in NP too but I guess the most yr 2. I stared at her hard and give that pissed face that she was taken aback. Well...It's so sadding. It's ok that I was the one pushed out even though I had a leg injuries, cuz at least this is the station I would have to alight anyway. However, if someone else who is rushing to town for work and was pushed out by her, couldn't get back or squeeze in to the train on time, then what will happen to that person? Most probably, received scoldings and so on huh? Why can't people be more considerate? I always stare and give attitude to people who rushed in to the MRT immediately the door is open, ignoring the fact that there may be elderly hoping to get out but now I guess it's not only about those who rush in, but those who rushes out too!

Another case...ok, before that I know someone is going to scold me for being stubborn, I didn't take a cab home, I took mrt cuz I couldn't get one at the MRT station. Alright, anyway what happened was once I got up to the train, I realised a old granny was hoping to give up her seat for me. OMG! I was shocked! How can a granny give her seat to me?! She needs it more than me. The others who are able bodies cont to stare at what happened. Heck. I smile and said I'm fine, u seat. haha!

Ok, so yeah I listen to L & N's order huh. I went to the chinese doctor once again! This time he got the right spot, it hurts like hell!!! I was trying to retrieve back my leg from his hands from time to time but he held even tighter. haha! Re bandaged again. Should be able to recover by sun. I hope so!!! It's so much to bear. Reminding myself on & off that I can do it when I really want to give up so many times. haha! Esp with people spying at me, saying I walk very rough!! Yet not coming to help me, happily enjoying the show acted by me! It's ur happy day huh... I was climbing up the stairs, & u happily stand there and look look look. I couldn't figure out if u was laughing or smiling at me. All I know was that ur face was red. wahahahahahah!!!

Went to Boat quey just now. Saw some fire works. Nice! Passed by numerous pubs and clubs which i think almost cost my life. The air was polluted by smokers. I'm not disciminating but its really hmm...bad for health to go such places where everyone is smoking infront of u. Mum, dad n nick happy family was holding hands. Blocked the whole passage way. Where was I walking? Behind but couldnt stand the loneliness, went in the front n cont my crawling.

L, don't get so affected by what people says ok? U see what I'm experiencing, u feel now how I felt in the past but I don't want that to make u as complicated as me. U are nice. U are simple and gentle. Don't let such a me affect ur habits n so on. U was very easy with people saying rubbish but is it me that made u realised that if we have a choice, we would rather be with ppl we are comfortable with? But u know, I don't mind being alone n I know u too. Somehow I guess that's why we click and can hold on to this frenship so long. However, I want u to mix ard if possible. I don't want u to be like me. U know what happened today, n I m glad that u was there. Everything was smooth in my meeting. U know me, when I get into work, my fears seem secondary. I was very into work work work. Get it done and have lunch! haha! I hope u had a gd lunch too?

Thanks for ur concern and notes. I was abit panicky when I couldnt find my own notes. I prepared for my frenz but left mine at home. haha! Glad u came to ask. Anyway, wonder if u would see this... I know tml's concert is what u have been looking forward to for mths. Whether or not u can make it there on time, just try ur best. Also, whether or not u see or receive what u expect, that is secondary. Most importantly, enjoy uself, enjoy the music, enjoy being with ur god sis (s). Take care.

Fakeness are all around but what matters is how u deal with it? It's never easy but as long as u have tried, give 200% of ur effort, don't regret. I should say to myself. I know my world is full of what it is said above but I dont't wish to give up on my world cuz I have 3 of u. I have what it takes for me to be myself, to be love, care and protected. Even if one day all may leave, but at least I know there was once I was the most fortunate gal in my own world.

Thursday, May 22, 2008

Tough

11:44 PM

I went back to sch today. Took a cab from clementi mrt station to sch cuz I was thinking of the flight of steps and the slopes I have to overcome to reach blk 53. Whoa! So decided to take a cab instead. WISP teacher was very concerned and she told her 10-12pm class which was why my classmates got to know abt it. Anyway, it was tough walking around in sch esp from blk 53 to 34. Whoa! That flight of stairs reminded me of the stairs I fell. Phobia. H was there laughing at me. yeah yeah. Want me to catch u? sure! U better train hard! When my legs are recovered, u won't be able to run away huh. If not, Andrea. haha! She will do it for me. <18.5> Back to the point, it was liling that made me try to overcome the phobia. The flight of stairs was very steep and long but I made it. There was pain but she was there for me. I felt bad that she had to carry her laptop while keeping my balance still. Yeah, she's my best assistant in work and nurse. haha! No wonder u have a bf, I don't have. U r so gentle. haha.

Didn't get the chance to present today. Insufficient time but I guess it leaves me with more time to improve on my report and slides.

Though my legs are hurting but today is a great day. I have completed most of my stuffs! CHEERS!!!

My life have been real tragic these days. I wouldnt say its a test to my faith because I shouldn't doubt my faith but then I guess its satan that is working strong in me. I got to overcome all these and be my normal self.

L said why can't I be myself? Why must I act to be someone else? Why must I say things to cover up my true self? U know why? That's because when I put down my mask, I will be broken into pieces by my mum. She wants me to be strong emotionally & mentally, very independence and even to think of my own interest as top priority. So from time to time, I will remind myself to be what she wants me to be. However, I tend to let down my mask, my guard n be myself to some people. Well...countless times when I let down my mask, I will get hurt. So somehow, I rather have it on always. It's not a mask to be fake, but a mask to hide my inner feelings, n my needs & wants.

What's the real definition of weak and strong? How do u really define it?

Sometimes not having, is having. Sometimes when u have it, u can't take it. Sometimes when you don't have it, u will want it. So why can't we just be happy when we don't have it and be happy when we have it? Why do human like to think that the grass on the other side is always greener? I know my life is great! I should be enjoying when I do my work. I should enjoy when I do things that I like.

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

Lame

9:29 AM

I'm 'Lame'. I can't walk properly. It hurt's alot to walk properly. Likewise in my life, it hurts alot to cont walking the rest of my life. I always hope to achieve either the black or white side in doing things but its always the case whereby it always falls back in grey.

What happened? I fell from a flight of stairs at the MRT station. Lucky there was a platform in the middle of the stairs if not I will be lying in the hospital right now. I was walking down the stairs and before I knew it I was on the floor with people taking the escalator staring at me. Something flashed in my mind that was enough to kill me. I stood up immediately & I guess it caused huge pressure on an injured ankle that made my leg shivered. I walked very slowly to the bank to do my banking transaction but then my vision went blur & pressed the wrong button! Got to retreieve back my $ and cancel the transaction. Soon, I know that my body can't take it anymore from the trauma. I'm going to black out anytime. It was then Andrea called me to ask abt TR. My first thing to her:" Andrea, Im very unwell. I fell from the stairs. I'm going to black out". haha! You can hear her screaming on the other end of the line. Well. I really wanted to let go all my controls n faint. I really wish to sleep w/o waking up to face all the negative stuffs coming into my life.

I manage to get home safely with Andrea on the other line. Giving me the moral support that I can do it. In fact, if it wasnt her screaming that made me pulled myself together, I think I might really have collapsed. When I got home, I called LL n cried. She was abit pissed that all my worries was on the report and ppt slides. Yes, I cried as I was in terrible pain but more of it was because I can't do my work. I'm so dead. I can't meet the deadline by thur's presentation if I don't complete my work ytd. Well...She reminded me abt mrs choo class on weds. I called mrs choo and told her abt my condition. Silly her, she called my mum as she is very worried im alone at home. As expected, my mum called me shouted at me over the phone and hanged up. She said she is rushing back on a cab didnt I told her I only sprained my ankle but I didnt know until I called Mrs choo and my legs went black by then.

I called uncle too. He was going to watch a soccer match when I called him. I think he was speeding last night cuz he arrived at the same time with my mum who was only in yishun. He carried me and cheered me up. Making me laugh n all that but my mum she keep emphasising I'm ur mum, why didnt u tell me abt everything? I said I did tell u but nick's coughing was simply more urgent than me atm. First time after so long, I was carried! He kept saying girl, I think u shouldnt appear here for the next 10 yrs. No face eh? haha! In fact through out the whole thing ytd, I clinged on to my uncle more than my mum. Not because he can hold me, but the emotional support was there. I know I can rely on him totally, but all I get from my mum atm was scolding which Im too tired to handle it.

I seriously have to thank dear for completing the PPT slides. I promised my grp to start the slides but well...Have to thank her for always being the one to take all my cryings n so on. Do u know in sch, apart from another few people u r 1 whom can really make me laugh and smile. One who I can totally rely on. Not caring abt others but being with u. My msn nick makes me sound les lah but its true. "I know I can rely on u. I can't smile w/o u". Whoa! haha!

I live in north, not east. haha! Don't know why people are telling other ppl abt condition behind my back. They meant well i know. Mrs choo told my mum, andrea told who ever but worst was my mum. She scolded me for she felt that I protrayed her as an irresponsible mum to my teacher. Goodness!!! That wasn't what I meant. I only hope that I won't get debarred if an academic manager knows my condition. Besides, I have her lesson the very next day! All she cares is abt her reputations and so. Whatever. I don't care anymore. U said to uncle that children are children, they can never grow up. Yes, I can never grow up. So I have to always be under ur control. I can't have what I want. Neither can I have my own life. Being injured and crying seems to u that I will always be a child? Calling for help is being a child? Ya, I know you want me to be self-reliance and independent but do u know because of this I lost many many things in life? Do u think I really can make it to be tough nut? Even a tough nut would crack at some pt in time. It's a matter of time. I don't know. I felt that I was very stubborn in not getting help but Mrs choo forced me to get help if not she will call the ambulance immediately.

Ytd's bible reading; "To the adults there's much unnaturalness. This, that, and the other natural reaction is simply not done. Children say what they think often to the embarrassment of adults and show what they feel. Children's consciousness brims mostly with people. Thus their world is dominated by what really counts. Two wings raise children up from the earth: simplicity of eye and heart, which welcomes all that's new and great and salutatry, and purity.

To me, I dont take everything that I receive as natural actions. Everything has an intention and a reason to it but seems like not all people think that way. They may think it is natural for them but have they really thought abt it? Being a child in her eyes, im an embarrassement. I won't be showing my true feelings then. I want my world to be simplicity of eye and heart with purity but seems like the world I live in is filled with ugliness and despair. I'm trying to pull away from all these to get to who I was last yr when jesus christ lives in me and centers my life and where laughters seemed so normal to me.

Lastly, take care of urself. Drink more water. Nose bleeding isn't joking matter. Don't apologise to me. U did no wrong to me.

Sunday, May 18, 2008

Nick's birthday

9:55 PM

A weekend filled with birthdays.

17th May: Dad's.
18th May: Nicholas's 4th.

Ytd we went bugis to have vietnamese food to celebrate dad's birthday. I ate dishes n my mum was abit irritated that I refuse to eat rice. Well. Imagine...So many dishes ordered already. I rather not eat rice n to have a 70% full stomach then force it down my stomach. Anyway, I feel nausea recently. So well better not to eat too full. After that we went to hospital to visit step granddad. He lost alot of weight. Half of what he was the last time I saw him which was 2 weeks ago. His condition is unstable. Everytime when doctor announce that he could be discharge, something bad will happen.

I left the hospital ard 9pm to meet N. Yes yes, he made me wait for an hr. I thought something bad happened to him lah but I think he was still working. So for that hr waiting, I was thinking about some things. I was glad that I had time alone actually. I thought abt the fun trial stuff and what happened between frenz. I thought every single thing I said and done the whole day. Pleased I was given the opportunity. Anyway when he made it to Carl's Jr, I guess he was starving already lah. 3 meals all in 1? That's so unhealthy. Maybe when I start working, I might be like that too cuz I was like that in the past. Skipping meals or late meals because I couldn't stop once started doing my work but I have learnt my lesson after bringing hurts to my health. Bad gastric prob. Coming back, I don't know who acc who but I was glad that I made it a point to meet. Maybe it was what I exactly needed, a breathing space. Or maybe I'm running away from something. I don't know.

Today. My day started off from church. Met up with some RCIA frenz at the frontier cuz my "god brother" was there too. haha!!! He's a policeman. Very good to me. We were frenz sicne the very first day of RCIA. He rmb I was the first person he talked to also. haha! So well...that day Auntie susan ask abt how we got to know each other and then concluded that we should be real god brother and sisters under the name of god. yeah, I agree. Anyway, there's one fren of mine who is a engineering manager. He asked me abt courses that he could take up in order to understand the financial documents and analysis. I took some time to really understand his prob, n then he n policeman was amazed abt my knowledge of economics. Also, this was exactly what he was driving to. Then after explaining everything he asked me:" Have u completed ur course? I said no. Then he say let me know when u have graduated, u have gotten urself a job. A financial analyst". haha!!! Policeman followed by:" U think its so easy to hire her? Everyone will be grabbing her. She is my smart gal ok". whoa!!! To policeman, I'm his smart gal but to me why can't I see it? haha!!!

After church, we went to cwp for deli lunch, movie (Iron man), partyworld and arcade. Iron man was cool!!! I was very fasinated by the tech. The construction of the iron man whoa!!! The male lead was so charming when he was serious in work and thinking. haha!!! He's a real business man, unlike the other one who claimed that he doesn't care abt the company's financial performance. He wanting to create iron man wasn't only to protect his life, country but also his business. He had definately foreseen that those terrorist would have use the pieces to create what he had created to escape. Hence, if he doesn't create it before they act on, he will be losing everything and the country will meet its doom. After settling my family in partyworld, I went home awhile. My contact lens for my right eye dropped off. Too tired. Eyes was too dry. To and fro took abt 1 hr.

Had a gd time but I am really really very tired. Had a late night yet long and active day. Today mum picked many duets love songs. Though both of us r singing, but she was looking at my dad and bla bla. God! When would it be my turn? Then passed by 24 hrs, again couple watch. I wonder how many wrist they have... They already have numerous couple watches and they are still looking. My mum will then say things to agitate me. Ya lah, whatever.

There's a reason why people doesn't stay where they are. It's also sad to know that it's your heart that they can't touch. It's danger.

Saturday, May 17, 2008

Great day

2:28 PM

Whoa!!! I had a great day at ASM with my group from St. Garbriel Sec sch. Goodness they are really cool people n my partner was great!!! I guess he helped alot when it comes to bonding. He's very experience in such events and this is my first time lah. Still...I guess I enjoyed myself alot. The guys are very funny at times and they have very strong team effort. Also...one very important thing is that Im well accepted by them. Whoo!!! haha! The president of their class is a Korean u know and I think their vice president could be a potential leader in the future. He's kind of gd looking too. haha! These are the two that we were closer ba, the rest not very open.

I really did enjoy myself alot. These people aren't fake and tactful as those in my world. I can feel that im very well accepted although we just got to know each other. Also, they respect me alot. They have a very young teacher too. Nice teacher. Treated all of us to BK but they ate the fries, I didn't. Scared fat. We even had a gd talk. Think the gd looking guy and the president is interested to come NP. Hopefully could catch hold of them. haha!!! Nice people!!!

I know I take after the genes from my mum that I could like lead and conduct such activities but then I didn't know I would enjoy myself that well. I was thinking maybe in the future, I should join more of these. Know more people and also enjoy the fun of playing with these people. haha!!! But I must have the ans if not cmi. Today also made me realised that I'm very confined to my world that I don't know what the world out there is really like. Say today, i got to know so many different types of people. Although they are only NA but they are very outstanding and has the right attitude in their studies. I'll pray for them too. haha!

I hide away from what I do not want to face. I don't know why I should force myself to face them either. All I know is that it's my life and I should live the way that would make me happier. If it doesn't make me happy or would even sadden me, then why should I force myself? These two days, my mood has been rather beautiful, so I hope it could stay as it is because of my gd mood that I'm very motivated to do all my stuffs. haha!!!

What's left undone, should be started immediately. What's left unsaid, should be left as it is. What is left to make me unhappy, u know I will back off from anything got to do with u. U don't need me anymore and what u said to me couldn't be taken aback. Never would I think u will think I'm someone who would give up on smthing. I was fooled into this but I'm glad it turn out well. I know jesus was there helping me through. I know it. Thank god.

Thursday, May 15, 2008

Gd start

9:22 PM

It's a gd start for me. My presentation for WISP was a smooth and gd one. Initially we asked teacher to let the other grp go first because we have to load a movie but suprisingly our loading was faster than having all members of the other grp to arrive. Anyway, I was rather nervous because as usual I always feel nervous for my first presentation of the sem. Think it's because of the lap in holidays that I don't get to present so lost the touch of it but today seemed a gd start for me. I was very cool and stable in my presentation. Though I prepared script but as usual I didn't look. haha! I covered most of the pts except one or two. Anyway, I bet teacher saw the great effort and she was enjoying herself through out the presentation. Besides, her head nods boosted my grp's moral, especially my own presentation.

Hey, LL u did a gd job k! U are improving ok! Keep it up!

Ok, so I will have to start doing my report and ppt slides for Effective people management. Due next thur but I have not done anything. Instead, another grp member of mine did quite alot for the grp. Well. I'm glad that although there's only 3 members in the grp but all grp members are self motivated. haha! Helena was alittle worried cuz we have not done anything, but somehow LL was like can't be bothered. I know she has confidence and trust in me. She knows me so she is not worried that we will do slip slop job. haha! Yeah, will try my best these few days to bring out a gd and well organised report. I won't let u guys down.

Had a great lunch with LL today. haha! Someone insulted me in class right? Not that I don't wear what u bought for me, but have u bought something that could be wore by me? Sorry abt SK necklace. U know what happened but that isn't the point here right? Anyway, want to give me necklace don't give me cross ones. This SK one that I bought for myself its the best that I like. Got diamonds hor! Expensive!!! haha! My fav but I don't mind other SK jewels. haha!!! Anyway, LL got her desserts for insulting me huh. Have boyfren, buddy come second worz! See lah, I'm left alone tml. So sad! haha!

I me stronger and more independent. Now thinking of it, I really don't want to be strong and independent. Sometimes Im neither of it. I'm reliance but I control myself. LL said that's why people ard me doesn't see me as the gal who need to be protected by them but u are wrong. At the end of the day, I'm nth. I need someone to protect me. I need someone to make me feel special. I need to be loved. Though in time to come, someone like that that was planned in my life will appear but currently I know Jesus is there for me. I'm glad RCIA starts in week 8 but worried I can't cope with common test. haha!!!

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

7:39 PM

當世界不知不覺的變了 有時后我懷念以前的我 作的夢雖然遠遠的 想像是一種快樂 擁有了同時也失去什麼 而眷戀原來會帶來軟弱 你讓我在霧里成熟 心開始曲折...

Song sang by Angela Zhang; means "I don't wish to know" (I think...haha) Very expressive and emotional song but what does it says? When my world changes unknowingly, I really miss the innocent and simple me. Although my dream was far but by just thinking of it, it made me happy. However, when my dreams are getting nearer or have achieved, I will bound to lose something and the reminiscing would make me vulnerable and weak. You made me learn life in the hard way, but my heart is starting to die off.

Goodness. I think I can be some part time poetry but that's what really I really thought of my life. I may have met some expectations, I may be what what people wants to see but I think I'm losing myself. Losing the reason why I am here. In my life, I'm always forced to circumstance to learn "what is life" in the hardest way. From time to time there may be some guardian angel coming to save me from being lonely? However does it last? Somehow I was thinking let's say I really achieved something, the first one I would thank is LL for being my moral and spiritual pillar these 2 coming 3 years. I would thank my auntie for being my role model and that she is the reason I'm still persevering on. Somehow those feelings which I had for my parents in the past has long gone. I would thank them for nuturing me and so on but somehow I don't know why my only thought just now was thanks for supporting my school fees and feeding me. haha! Am I being sarcastic or practical? I don't know. In the past, when I was rejected by frenz ard me, whenever I turn back there's always my family there. However, this time I made it a point that I do not wish to take my family for granted and yet somehow I do lose frenz because I devote too much into family that I can't cope with them. On the other hand, what did I gain? I'm also like distanced from my family. I don't know what is happening. Somehow I know it's my fault but I don't know where does the problem lies. I don't wish to know either.

E asked me something ytd that caught me off guards and kept me thinking. What was my reply? My reply was I don't wish to know. It came to the question of what I really wanted and I told him, I don't know either. I'm losing myself. He say find ur own happiness then I replied him what's my happiness? I'm feeling very mood swing these days. Esp with frenz ard me. I don't know why. Maybe I shld pull liling with me to start socialising with other frenz. I can be very happy at one moment, but at the other moment very sad and emotional. Esp when liling leaves me. Is this depression? I'm scared it is.

I have completed my novel that I couldn't complete during the holidays. The nineteen minutes from Jodi Picoult. My fav author. I have all of her collections! Except The Change of Heart which is $30! I was thinking if I should really buy it. Well I will but I guess my mum will scold me and insult that I'm rich. Anyway, to me this novel; 19 mins relates to a social prob in most growing up teenagers or young adults. In fact, it is happening to me. The only difference is that I'm older. haha! It's abt this 17 years old boy not the cool type who couldnt fit in to groups. People thinks that he aren't cool enough to be a part of them too. Say he is not the party type or they don't share the same conversation topic. He was being outcast and was teased and backstabbed by them. He even lost his childhood fren to them. Anyway, what he did as revenge was to start a shooting rage in his sch killing alot of people, including the boyfren of his childhood fren. hahahaah!!! So I was thinking will there be a day if I would to lose control of myself and start shooting people? haha!!! I'm not outcast but well the others is good enough to drive me insane. I'm glad Andrea is giving me that support look whenever she knows something wrong is going on.

Gentleness hurts. Being gentle also hurts.

Monday, May 12, 2008

Feel gd

11:14 PM

I feel sooooo much better today in sch. More in control of myself. Not so slpy like last fri maybe I wasnt as sick as last fri. haha! In fact I feel more or less recovered already though the bad cough is annoying and hurting my throat. haha! Also also...very loud in the lecture hall.

Met Marketing lecturer while waiting for Mr Chong. I'm her rep lah so she was concerned cuz I think last fri in her class, I wasn't myself lah. She say I looked horrible. hummp! haha! Glad that my teacher is so caring. Ok, I must do well for my individual presentation for her. haha! crap.

Today in investment tutorial, we were to play investment games on our laptop and we had to group into 3s with a grp name. hee. Back with 2Js and we named ourselves as MJs again. Our FIT bank's name. I'm so proud of it and I feel that J is also happy and proud with it. hee. I really like working with them esp in the previous proj; FIT. I hope this sem's proj will be as sweet as last sem. Last sem FIT although we only have 3 people but MJs is a strong fictious bank! haha!

How should I lead my life to live life to the fullest? I want to be how I was like last sem. I tried recalling how was it like but seems like things in me have changed. No matter what, it's impossible to have it changed exactly the same as last sem. Still, I hope my life is fufilling like what I always say I hope it to be but then I realise another meaning to life. It's abt living for others. Lesser of urself, n more of others into ur life. Likewise, whatever I do may do might not be for myself anymore. Why? Cuz I guess I have lost the will and reason for why I live.

Mrs choo said after legal papers are done, sch side is easy to settle.

Sunday, May 11, 2008

End of my weekends

10:23 PM

It's end of my weekends again. Since pri 1, I realised that school days are always sooooooo long, and weekends are always soooooooo short. One blink, n Im back to sch.

Anyway, what have I done this weekend? This weekend is more of family's weekend.

I woke up at 7am today as usual for church then went to Auntie's house. Had lunch cuz grand dad's birthday on the 13th. Anyway, I started doing my work from 11 am till 5pm before I left their house to go to their church for service and to witness their renewal of wedding vows. I managed to complete Treasury and CFAS tutorial. First time, I actually studied lecture notes and so on before I do my tutorial. So its like really studying today.

It was sweet to see newly married couples and bla. Im gonna receive many many invitation cards soon. I might be one who will be attending and attending but never will it be my turn to be the one to invite.haha! My auntie looked very happy today n im glad for her but thinking abt what happened 2 hrs before that function, I almost cried. I ran out after eating dinner? I guess I didnt eat at all. I had no appetite. I looked at my hp. Reluctant to reply any msges. Eventually called E. E crapped with me. Felt happier. At least Im not alone in the lonely night. Realised a gal is secretly admiring him. hoho. Someone like my kor. Of cuz of cuz! He is a nice guy! He is definately a Mr Right. Yeah yeah!

What's said is said. What's done is done. What's was supposed to thought through, was thought through carefully. I shouldn't regret. In fact I should be happy cuz from today, things will change for me. At least its no more playing cats and rats.

Denial? Confused? Scared? Inferior? Not my business.

I'm looking forward for RCIA to re begin its lesson. I need enrichment classes in my faith. I'm embarrassed that i have neglected Jesus and too focus on me mortal wants and needs. Also my sufferings and pains. It's nothing when u remember Jesus plans everything for a reason and that we are his sheeps. He being our shepherd will look after us. Love us.

Stress

12:45 AM

I'm really feeling very stressed and anxious inside! I feel that I'm not as on track as last semester. There are so many things I am yet to understand. It is so tough. My heart seems to be pouncing out already. Stressed Stressed Stressed!!! The only tutorial I enjoy doing is Treasury. It makes my brain to think and work the rest seems foreign to me. No matter how hard I try to think, the ans doesnt come out nor could I think of any solutions. Sigh!

I slept the whole day today until 5pm when LL reached my doorstep. At first I couldnt understand why was I so tired and sleepy but then i recalled why already. Body draining... plus cramps...Whole day I guess that helped me to recover from the constant headaches I had due to the virus. Then well...now once in a while I will feel giddy only and very bad cough. haha! If not, Im fine.

Now I think of it I really don't know why I would send chi char.It has been so long since I have typed chi char. Am I serious to what I say? Am I really going to do as I say? Anyway, it doesn't matter i guess. U don't care so do I want to now. hai. I guess my fever really did burned my brains. Not thinking rational enough before I say things.

LL, I love u so so much!!! Thanks for whatever u have done for me. We are besties! Heya, next time who ever gets married first, the other party has to be the bridesmaid.

Friday, May 09, 2008

Bad day

9:17 PM

It's a bad day for me today. Early in the morning, my mum asked me wanna go to the doctor again I said no. The only intention was I have alot of things that I can't cope if I miss the lesson, I will really be lagging behind and then u won't think that my MC will affect my result, u will only think I didn't put in sufficient effort. So I forced myself to sch! Then on the mrt, someone was forcing herself on me. Shi*! With her giantic size pressing on my legs and then her hips onto my stomach and last but not least her horrible hair onto my face...I almost vommited! Now thinking of it, how I wished I really did vomit then she will have my "marking" all ard her clothes! whoo!

When I got off from the train, I started to see black and white vision already. I guess it was the crowd and her squeezing but I held on. Until the bus stop where I saw the crowd, i almost want to let go and faint. Don't know why I called N. I felt damn silly now. I should have known I should only blame myself for forcing myself. Anyway, I waited until the last bus came and fortunately I saw Ben. Wow. He kept me talking. If not, I guess if I were to really rest and slp, I won't wake up anymore. Once alighted from the bus, I closed my eyes and walked as fast as I could. Ignoring all pains and hurts. Maybe we can only feel pain and hurts when we slow down our pace and that goes the same in life. In class, N's words to me was more like a scolding than a concern n Im glad for it cuz it woke me up. Maybe Im really trying to hurt myself. Zi Bao Zi Qi. N said" u know there are many people who care for u so wake up". Then I remembered, liling calling me every few hrs, andrea calling me up and even N realised I was missing. Somehow very sad huh. People who care aren't from my current class. Anyway, im glad to have them.

I'm glad I had "Mr Right" to acc me to IS block huh... Thanks I know u are tired. Sorry. Have u understand what the chi character was saying? I don't know what it should really means but somehow at that moment it just came to my mind. Just like the 6th sense u have. If u want to know, its near the last few episode of bull fighting.

I hang on the whole day cuz there are alot of things I dont understand in PLB n Im glad my uncle came to fetch me home. He tried cracking some jokes to cheer me up n im glad he made the effort. We are like the past but we are doing it under the eyes of HER. SHE doesn't know I actually got my uncle to send me home. Anyway, my uncle say it is ok anyway.

I saw Nic's blog. Im glad she's so happy and blessed now. She is really glowing huh...Love will really make someone prettier and radiant huh? haha! I wonder when is mine coming? Or rather, I should remind myself Im in no position to think. wahahah! Who cares? I don't.

Im glad I made the choice to give up that question on customer service to her cuz I was made to work with her in a project. So well...if I didnt give in to her, I believe we wont be working well in this proj but since I tried to help her, I hope proj work will be a better experience cuz from what I have observed, she's a nice gal.

Thursday, May 08, 2008

Chinese method

8:37 PM

I woke up ard 6+ to eat my a piece of bread. Mum thought I wanna go to sch. I say no. My tempt went up to 39 again. Wake up n eat smthing before medication. She pat on my head and sigh. hai. I made my mum worried. Well. I know she really cares. Sometimes I really think if I'm asking too much that made myself so sad. Or is the problem due to timing different? Like she offer to ask dad to buy lunch n dinner for me, I say don't need I need to photocopy notes for frenz. It's like she offers to help me but because I need to do smthing, I still have to depend on myself. I went down like a zombie. I look horrible lah...Pale...my lip is purple in colour. Even till now...god.
Yesterday my mum made me on the air con and shiver so that my body temperature will go down but then it didnt work for me. It got worst. Today, I used the chinese method by covering myself tight with blanket and sweat. haha! My temperature went down. The highest it goes just before next dosage of medicine is abt 38.

Teacher was so understanding as to allow my group to present next week. I guess that will leave me some more time to further edit and do a better job so as to ensure her that it is worth while giving me a chance.

Sometimes when u focus too much on the only black dot and not the white parts, u will feel and think negative. It is time to let go and let sights travel far to bring us to another scenery.

Today E msg me asking me how was I and ask when to watch Ironman. haha! Wonder if he really cares abt me or his movie. Anyway, glad to be cared.

LL did a wonderful job for me today. Taking down important things for me to make decisions upon for both IS projs. Im very grateful to her. At least I know if Im not ard or im sick, there's someone to replace me. To me, a leader is not about putting own priority as number 1 but the grp's priority. The fact that the others insisted to present today is obvious that they are protecting their own interest. I don't blame them. However, that's not my idea leader. LL has the qualities just that she needs more confidence to assume the role. It is being partial at all times that considers a gd leader. Maybe u would ask i impartial too since i ask for postponed just bcuz Im sick. That's different I think. Presentation should be done as a grp and if u really take us as a grp, a grp must stay as one all the time. What does it make if u just leave one who is sick at the lurch and take all credit esp when the one who is sick puts in the most effort and work.

Stuffs for this sem is really tough. Still, Im glad there's Andrea. She calls up almost daily to ask me abt tutorials. haha! Glad! At least there's some form of motivation for me to really go understand my work so that I can help my fren. Still, my first attempt of my tutorials are usually wrong. sian

Wednesday, May 07, 2008

Sick

8:57 PM

I'm very sick now. My temperature doesn't leave the range of 38 degrees. It get's very high to 39 when the next dosage of medicine is near. My head is spinning and it feels heavy. I woke up this morning with a very bad headache. Went to test my temperature and realised my temp was 39. Shi*. I felt so weak. Called mum and she thought I cry and scolded me for being a baby. I wasn't crying. It was my sore throat that I sound differently. Then I called my frenz to take over my duties and bla. LL was shocked that I'm alone at home and went to the doctor alone. Ya, that's me. I must take care of myself no matter at what event or condition.

I waited for 2 hrs at the doctor. Almost near to breaking down. I couldn't even see the road properly and I didn't bring a umbrella down. I wanted to seek for comfort from people but I held myself back. I don't want to be reliance. I can do it myself, then I will do it myself.

Back home, Im suprised I can do things on my own no matter what. Yes, I need someone to lie on. Yes, I need someone to feel real. Yes, I need someone to be there for me. But maybe Im one who have to depend on myself.

I cannot fall sick. Cuz when I fall sick everything ard me becomes a mess. Everyone would blame u for being sick. Everyone would think u are not worth. Everyone would think u are the trouble maker. Never have I want to depend on others, but when Im sick, cant u just understand and not only think of urself! It's so unfair to me. How much effort I have put in vs u?!

Monday, May 05, 2008

Monday blues

11:48 PM

It's monday blues I guess. I can't open my eyes for long nor am I interested in things going on around me the whole day. Just felt so empty inside and outside of me. Maybe to some point in time, tears that have been falling all these while have stopped and what's left is just an empty shell with a wound that hurts from time to time.

I realised no more tears are flowing. Why is it that my heart aches so much when I see the happy family kissing and playing around when I only get to seat far away on the sofa? I miss the kind of family warmth. I miss the kind of love and the feeling of being wanted. From time to time, people are making it known to me that Im not wanted or needed. Otherwise, people do make me feel wanted but then it hurts even more when u feel that there are more to meet its eyes.

I'm tired. I'm burned out. I feel as though Im breaking away...Breaking down. Still, I have to hang on there. It's not only family and work that is tiring me, but the heart aches which I felt that again n again Im making decision that is for my own benefit but hurting my own heart. I'm trained in making decision, but no matter how well I'm trained I can't overcome the hurts that are happening in my heart.

I tried to close my eyes and feel, all I felt was the emptiness. But when I opened my eyes, I'm aware of everything that is happening to me and defended myself by all means. Why should I loosen up and be myself when I'm afraid I break away right infront of ur eyes.

Elia ask me just now:"Melody Jie Jie, ur surname is Heng too?" I replied her:"Yes, y?" Elia said:" Then you are a part of our family too". That moment, I felt a sharp pain right into my heart. Yes, I belong to the Heng family although my mother's heng family is different from my father's heng in chinese but I grew up in my mum's heng family. Yes! I belong to Heng (to a certain degree I was thinking abt my father) but I felt ashamed when I thought of my dad (step). Have I ever have the sense of belonging for T? Last thur when we were walking towards his car, E suddenly address me by T H Melody open the door lah. wth! So next time if I get married to someone with surname Lai, then what does it make of me? ;L T H Melody? What should I do? Should I ignore my feelings and make decision that is of the best interest for everyone?

Numbed. Emotionless that may be what I want at the end of the day.

Sunday, May 04, 2008

Busy

10:31 PM

Since school started 3 weeks ago, I have been very busy all weekends. Or should I say I had been very busy all day long. I have work to do almost everyday and work seems endless. Worst case is that I have not started planning for all of my project work. As and when I might realise the stress eating me up but I told reminded myself to control and ensured myself that everything is gonna be ok and there's still time. No hurry!

Usually I will be restless in the night after school but I realised if I would to go for a jog in the evening, I feel alittle better and by midnight when all of my energy are used up, I would fall aslp immediately when I lay on my bed. I guess it's gd in a way because I wouldn't waste tears and additional strength to cry and feel sad about all the sad feelings I have over matters.

It had occured to me today if I had hurt my M with my actions or words I have said? Maybe I had. So I would try to keep more of my protective actions or words and TRY to be better to her. However, she can't deny the fact that she has a loving husband to share woes and depend on but I don't. I can't deny that she loves me and I do rmb she loves me. For instance, she worried when I told her someone was tailing me and also staring at me. So even when I said I wanted to go to the toliet, she followed. Also, when I was badly affected by the hot weather and suffered alittle heat stroke and felt giddy, she held on to my arms. I know she cares and love but it's her words and actions that left me in total sadness and pain.

Today the whole Heng family went out for a lunch at Sakura Buffet to celebrate mother's day and I'm glad that I had auntie sitting on my left and mum on my right. So when I felt lost, auntie's support was there for me. True enough. What happened was I asked her:"Do u feel very fortunate? You don't have to even stand up and food is infront of u. On ur right, hubby, I want to eat this and that or most of time he serves u automatically and then on ur left, darling I want to drink this and that." Then she smiled but it ended shortly when she realised I was alittle envious as I kept repeating Im not as lucky as u to have someone serving u I need to get my own food and anyway, I have no appetite. Then she asked u r jealous huh? Then my grand dad said wait for someone like ur dad lah. I said sorry my dad is like dinosaur that had extinct. My mum said got, wait, just like me. Then my auntie came in to the picture and said:"huh u want melody to wait until 40 yrs to have a bf?" Then I was damn agitated."Sorry my first r/s, will mostly not end in a marriage". Not that I will have a change of heart or what so ever but in r/s, its trial & error before u really truly understand what ur heart needs and wants. Then my mum said:"wait for 10 yrs or so lah, about 29 yrs old then get married". haha! My auntie gave me that eye language as moral support when I was so damn pissed off. Once u said after poly or what but not 10 yrs or so...So u want me to be urs forever? Or u are going to give me that excuse that u want me to concentrate in studies and career and heck care abt others. I tell u I will regret if i let u have this done according to ur means. I will be left on the shelve if I dont get into any r/s even in my 30s. I'm really glad my auntie is on my side and she gave me the support I needed most at the moment.

Also...Mother's day. I guess its nth to her or maybe she simply doesn't care abt it. Whatever. I'm not going to say anything more. U want it ur way then so be it. Sometimes I wonder why must I be so thoughtful for everything that comes to u. Have u taken granted for? Not every mother can be as fortunate and yet u....hai.

I have received an order that I MUST bring my brother out to play next sat while the couple watch Jenny's concert. So I must put down all my work and bring him out to play esp in the night? Goodness. Not that I need someone to acc but a female bringing a 4 yr old kid...What if soemthing happen to me, how? I can't bear the responsibility if anything happens to my bro. I mean I can die, I can be injured or so but if something happened to my brother then I guess I rather die then being blamed by the whole T family. Ok, im not cursing that something would happened, but I feel that something will happen to me. These days I dont feel secured. I feel something bad will happened just like today. So I told my mum, if i can get E then I'll bring nick to a movie or arcade as ordered. Why E? actually not him for the matter but because I feel more secured with a guy in the night. Protected in a sense.

I'm independent and that's because of the environment I grew up in but then when it comes to safety of someone very important to another family too then I guess I have to think twice. Cuz previously I brought my brother home alone after being insulted by my grandma and my parents was very worried. They scolded me for being too independent and neglected the fact if something happened to my bro how? God. That woke me up to not be too independent but still I don't like to rely on others.

Depending on others? May it be physically or emotionally but I just don't like it. Even when I'm very down, I try to refrain but somehow there will be someone there to pick me up. Nevertheless I dont like that to happen. It made me seemed small, weak and reliance on that someone. I don't like to let my guard down n be myself totally. I guess only a few sees my true self. Not that Im being fake, but Im hiding some things away. Living with a mask.

I'm controlling myself. The wounds that I can't hide is hurting. The sweet talks from you makes me feel special yet hurts too. Don't have to walk with me till the end. I don't worth your promises and efforts if u are not serious.

Saturday, May 03, 2008

Body aching

11:20 AM

I'm having body aches again. Hands and shoulders are aching and I guess it will get worst later after I do my house chorus. haha! Weird huh...I'm having aches and the reason isn't my house chorus. In fact its arcade. haha! I went arcade with Kaijun ytd. whee!!! We completed the Lost world game but the shooting caused my wrist and then we went to play basketball which caused my whole arms to ache. haha! It was so fun! I'm a basketball idiot. It flew out lah and nearly hit some grandparents. Goodness!!! Heez. Anyway, it was wonderful Thanks for being understanding to have been late for our meeting. Haha! Took lots of time to solve my cousin problem for not doing homework. I'm feeling so stressed for her. Mon- English paper 2, tue- Chinese paper 2 and she is like so carefree. haha! I guess thats why she is pri 1 lah. Stress-free. She is clever but playful. All kids are like that anyway. haha!

On thur E said all NSmen in his department took leave altogether and wanted him to meet them in town. haha! We met them at taka on thur and I was so shocked lah... So gangster look I waited far away. haha! Anyway, during dinner I said since u don't want to go then come and have lunch with me since it was also ur sch. I have forgotten what he said but I sulked and he laughed. "U know sulking doesn't work on me since the first day we met huh". haha! I don't rmb I did sulk to him 5 yrs ago neither did I rmb he made me waited for him for hrs when we first met but he remembered. Anyway, before I went to bed he said he would go meet me for lunch. haha! Ended up but he didn't and as I have expected he was still slping. Got up at 3pm! Whoa! Pig! Anyway, he blamed me for making him eat ice cream at swensen. Well. I was just hoping he gets to eat whatever he wants n like cuz I know he was holding back his orders when I say I want to foot the bill before we step in swensen. haha!

Liling said I'm like in love or what. Of cuz I WAS in love but the fact that I have decided on something made me firm on that i have let go any chemistry feeling I might have developed for some idiotic person. When things happened and it wasn't the way it should have been nor did it happen at the appropriate at the right time, it's best to let go and be firm on ur stand in whatever it is to make it best and happy for yourself. Anyway, I may be in love but not chemistry love. It's the kind that makes me feel blissful and fortunate. It's something you should hold on to no matter what happens. I guess if one day something really negative appears in his health report, I will breakdown too. He is like a family member someone who would look after me but there maybe some degree of "take for granted" from time to time. haha! Family love. I'm family oriented. Who knows may be one day my mum will accept E as really my brother and not the kind of fren-brother. haha!

So it won't be what it isn't. If its chemistry between us then it should have happened 5 yrs ago but it didn't. That made Liling thought of what she said of me too. Similarly, I won't admit to things that isn't a fact. Don't give me brainless statements like u know alot. U don't know what had happened between two parties neither do u know how it is like that we rely on each other for support from time to time. Or maybe u don't know the difference between these 2 kinds of love. Being soooo myself infront of him is the very first pt, I don't see him as a date.

I dislike the fact that being a possible high achiever and also ones who hungers for achievements is the reason of many "no" to people. I dislike people using that to see u in another angle. Being hopeful to be high achieving is actually my main burden and the source of making me so sad and stressed and yet people are using that against me. It made me feel worst. E said just pass can already what. Why everything must score? Then I ask myself why must I score 100% of my effort everything? My piano teacher said I like challenges but in fact I fear challenges. I fear failure. E said not that I like challenges but I like to challenge myself, my ability. Ya, very true. No matter how hard I try, there's always room for improvement so i will challenge myself to do even better in any opportunity that is given. Nevertheless, it's tiring. It's rather burned out.

Yes, fear is the worst satan in life and the faith in Jesus Christ helps us to overcome such temptations. Thus, we pray for courage and strength to overcome all these barriers. Yes, courage. My courage to face all failures, obstacles and happiness in life. The strength to withstand all burned out and negative moments.

我不要却没有空间思考是谁把我围剿还是我的双脚早已经习惯这种步调命运张牙舞爪形成一个笼罩我和你各自戴上手铐无声咆哮然后看着你静静看着我慢慢跌入泥沼

不是我要跟你争斗只是刚好目标相同我要的梦在你手中别怪我最后会让你扑空

Thursday, May 01, 2008

Happy day!

11:45 PM

I finally smiled and laughed out from my heart. It came from my heart. It wasn't an act of showing that I was fine or to just show that I can do without something or someone. Though I was troubled initially but E went beyond his means to make me feel happy. He did everything for me. It was supposed to be his day. He wanted to get lots of things for himself but end up...He said it was my day. haha! I'm treated like a princess. While he drove me back he asked:" Fortunate to have me in ur life right?" I replied:"Of cuz. I have never doubt that". I'm glad I made the decision to have a elder brother in my life. These 5 yrs, it has been like he's my guardian angel appearing at the right time for me. If I would to say what character he is like in Bull fighting... I would say he is Zi cong. Whatever happens, he will stand infront of me to protect me. Then who will be my shen ruo he? Actually no one cuz I don't want a shen ruo he. Achievements and whatever that may concern is not import because if things just happens then I will love no matter what. It's what u are n not who u are that matters.

E made me realise.....

I may think i am happy when I have attained achievements in my academic but that isn't the case because as I'm striving and pursuing for it, I'm very very sad. I'm very burned out. Uncle also told me... Don't study because of GPA or A but because u like the course. U like the module. I'm putting unnecessary stress in me.

At the end of the day, the something that Im holding on tight is my heaviest burden.

Coming back to today... He is gd in making me feel bad. Debited lunch at Ding Tai Feng, Gap & Kbox into his card. haha! What GAP? GAP t-shirt. He ask me what colour, I say black (my fav colour what) then he really took black then he took female one n got it for me. I ask y? He say 5 yrs...I have never given u any gifts. ha! So I say to celebrate 19th yr of 6789, we shall wear it out together. haha! He said on ar. haha but now to think of it. It's a rather absurb idea. In fact I thought if it cuz if I let mum know she will suspect this n that again cuz that tee isn't cheap.

When we went to the carpark...lots of jokes lah!!! So funny...We were laughing like nobody's business. haha! Anyway, it was late not many cars so its ok. He said he doesn't like driving gals cuz previously in mass comm gals likes to comment on guys driving. haha! But he is a super gd driver n the car is so stable lah. Comfortable. I caused him to go the long way yet he keep saying its ok. haha! I feel so bad, yet he cont. to be so nice to me. I guess he owed me in our previous lives and next life I will be the one repaying him. haha!

What's left making me sad will be kicked out. I won't waste my brain cells thinking so much. U are hurting people unknowingly. Out u go. Don't get caught off guard.

Am I ready to have so many surnames? What does it resembles? I don't know.