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My brain was too active last night. So I slept at 3.30am and woke yp at 6.30am. Had a long day. Making matter worst relative is here for visit. God. Whole body aching. I hope I don't need to avoid food I want to eat this week! haha. Hmm but today I'm a happy gal still. In fact don't know when I admit that I actually am a happy gal just that Im easily affected emotionally. Hmm. That's a cancer gal's characteristics.
Today's lecture was rather heavy going and I was knocking off again n again. Causing things to drop again & again. Haha. LL was like laughing at making fun of me. Who is worst huh? U really slept during cfas lor. At least I stayed awake. haha!!!
Was watching the channel 8 7pm show by felicia chin while eating dinner. Her bf had an affair with someone else. Well...She was also testing him by sending him flowers and cards...Really don't know why a couple does not trust one another. Test him and he can't resist temptation.
In that show they also expressed maintaining a r/s with anyone is similar to maintain a pot of flowers. You have to consider trim, water and even show care & love to the pot of flowers so that it will grow well and beautifully. Yeah true. Nevertheless, there was a writer who once said:"There will be problem where ever there are human because of the difference in perceptions". I was thinking u know..Hmm..What abt me? I guess... Melody!!! Stop dreaming. Get back to reality! This isn't fairy tale. haha!
I will give what I can give. I once felt the happiest and blessed gal and now I hope to give u my best. Seeing people ard u being happy brings happiness to ourselves too. So now if you are happy, I guess it will bring even more happiness to myself.
Dear I really didnt expect that you actually remember how we got to know each other. Hmm. Wonder why u can stand my long winded nature and my numerous complains. haha!!! Recently I'm learning not to complain every single thing ler...Right? haha! Cuz my life is blessed. I know I know! Yeah, I love you so much!!! haha
Ok lah...One song for u k dear...I'm thinking of you. It's so good to have. You have the ability to make problems become small. I have met someone who know me best. I will always remember to cherish and love this frenship. Thanks.
Sunday, June 29, 2008
Saw how good or bad it is to be workholic from you. I'm always the one being asked to stop & rest but its the other way now. Anyway, I know that u will enjoy ur camp. I wish you could rest well. I wish that u would have gd health & get what u really wanted all along by end of this week then. God bless.
In fact she wanted to throw her temper on me this evening cuz she insist that I have promised her to help her school with the swimming excursion but I don't recall I did promise her. I was very unwilling to go in the first place so impossible I said no problem. Aiya...She takes what she wants to hear n made it the fact what she did hear. haha! Well. Now is not a prob if I want to go anot, but I guess my body system might not allow me to go. I told her & she said then how? She told the incharge I will go into the water. haha!!! So what does she expect? She rather me being pregnant so that I can go down to the water w/o inconvenience? wahahaha! She better pray hard it doesnt come n that maybe im pregnant then. Well..I didnt want it late right? But Im facing so much stress and I always face such prob when im stressed what. haiyo! It was raining very heavily this evening and when there was lightening and thunder that seem to strike right into my roo, I jumped out from my chair. haha! I was totally shocked lah.My heart was pounding hard n fast. haha! So funny! Anyway, I laughed at myself & called Andrea. haha! WAHAHAHAHAHA!!! It's hours before PARTY TIME!!! All the best people and yeah! Enjoy urself! I will enjoy myself to the fullest before I settle down with my work & I'm glad for this 2 weeks term break. A break from whatever it is.
I was brushing my teeth at 7am and I saw something big....I looked closer...and....1 BIG PIMPLE! OMG! haha!!! Too stressed or too tired already. Slping approx 3 hrs a day.
Another week is gone. This coming week will be a week full of love and joy. haha! Crap. Anyway, although I have to rush my work so that I can balance up my stuff with all outings but I guess it will be worthwhile.
Why must there be a bomb dropping now n then in my life huh? I wonder why but I wouldn't want to dwell on it. "Whatever will be, will be. I have learnt to take the gd and bad and breathe." So well.
There's one thing I really really learn it in a hard way. What goes around, comes around. Hmm.. It happened to me when the sch reopens but then I guess that ended up beautifully. Now I see this saying happening on others. Hmm. When someone is going thru some emotions struggles, u never know if some near u are doing the same & in a similar way. wah!!! haha!
I was thinking abt LL today..The first day we met each other in poly... Getting to know each other deeper and turning our back against each other. Fortunately...I took the first step to ask her out for dinner during our ITP. We talked things out and I guess its because she herself witnessed the problem with him that made her realised I wasn't in the fault all along. The only thing I done was to leave anything or person who will make me feel sad and cry. haha! I rmb mummy always say y are u always crying for him? Ppl dont know may think he is ur bf or someone u like. Hell no never. Just that he is always getting in between me n dear n making me take all his shit. I was very soft in the past but now nah! Yeah Im still soft but not to outsiders. haha!!! I won't lower down my guard infront of ppl like him. I hope dear will learn too. U treating ppl gd does not mean they will treat u gd in return. It's not being negative but in the future if u work in the corporate world, its all politics and ppl making use of one another. So u dont have to hurt ppl but defend urself. Treat ppl gd (u are super gd in it) but at the same time defend urself. U can n u will. I have faith in u.
There's always expectations of people being loyal or faithful. May it be family, frenz or even in a grp of any forms. Why is that so? Say for example mother & daughter. In the eyes of a mother, this gal is always a baby but the baby in reality has grown up to someone. It's then expectation on her will rise because mother has always been sacrificing and doing her upmost best for her baby so its natural for her to want her baby gal to stay loyal n faithful. I guess thats the basic expectation ppl may have. It's not a question of right or wrong here. It's abt the mutual understanding of parties. Likewise in any social grp forms...U would expect all ur followers and grp members to be loyal n faithful to the team because u have been seeing them grow in their faith n interest in the knowledge and u have went through stuffs with them. Of cuz there is an basic instinct of hoping these members turn out gd and be faithful. In chinese there's this saying:"Ying shui si yuan". It's normal, don't be bothered by how u feel then.
If ever your decision is strong enough... Or maybe it doesn't concern me at all.
Saturday was a crazy yet fun day. I slept at 3am on fri night and woke up at 6am on sat. haha! Mum went to work so I have to slp in her rm with nicky but her bed was soooo hard that I couldn't slp well right after she woke me up at 6am. Anyway, couldn't take it anymore after rolling on the bed for an hr plus so got up to do some work. Hmm. Edited LL's cfas work and added my stuff. After that...Brought nick to mum's work place to play when I give tuition.
Met liling at 1.30pm. We went bugis first for that Art craft shop to get materials for cfas proj but I guessed there are alot of things we didn't realise when we were making decisions as a grp. It's only when u practically go find for it...that's when the hectic-ness comes in. Anyway, we couldn't get all our stuff so got to proceed to suntec's popular. Wahahaha. Tell u we were practically running ard suntec to get our stuff. Cuz both of us were so confused abt all the concepts of our games and I rushing for time. I should have brought everything doc along lah. Crap. Still, I'm glad at least we have bought most of the stuffs & I hereby announce myself bankrupt! haha!!! Jk...Leader have to pay first de mah...Later then distribute lor. wahahaha!!! I told my mum im broke then she say no lor. U are richer than me. Crap.
Mum picked me up at AMK so that we could go to dad's company 'family day' together. Well..Don't know what happened to the guys ytd. 3 were dead drunk lah. 1 was like a polar bear...hugging any trees of things poles he can reach and was aggressively puking. Another collapsed totally. One more my dad say his wife filed divorce with him so well...haiz. My mum & I was observing these ppl while we were at the playground. So funny...All kinds of bears. Bears that cling on trees and floor. haha!
Dear LL!!! I'm glad my mum did msg u abt the cake. See I told u she won't want u to pay. It's her daughter's birthday y u pay for it right? I heard she say its quite exp but she doesn't mind cuz it means it's something very special for me. Omg..dear, Im so touched. I guess next sun will be v memorable for me cuz ur heart, mind n soul are with me on my actual birthday. hehe...I sound so.....eeeeeee...haha!!! Btw, thanks for tolerating my high demand in our work that caused us to run so many places for materials. Anyway, thanks!!!
Whoa...Someone was saying hmm:"Never see u wear tube before leh" I say siao ar...U ask my mum maybe lah but I abit hard...Scared leh. haha!!!Not as daring as the past. Old liao!!! Nevertheless, may wanna try again. wahahaha!!! Take it as a breakthrough for Birthday week ba. Ok dear? wahahaha!!! Let me see...Im going out from wed so which day? Don't start insulting me liao ar...U did that the whle of ytd late afternoon!!!
There's this song by the drama:"It started all with a kiss" quite nice. I think LL u may like it. Very sweet! Sing to simon ba. haha!!!
Friday, June 27, 2008
It's end of the week already. So fast yeah? Time passes!!! I guess soon before I know I'm taking my final exam and soon again I will realise I'm doing my IAP and then in no time I will realise that I have graduated! haha!!! I guess that's the reason why I'm gonna cherish this last 1 month plus with ppl I have gave my heart to keep. How long more can you see these people almost everyday and chat with them everyday? I will miss a few and I guess that's the reason I came to a conclusion. I have decided on an ending to follow suit. I finally understood that matters of the heart can never be either black or white. It's always captured in the greyish areas. haha! But I'm not going to go on being tortured by it. Well maybe LL will say my decision does no make any difference but I guess no...at least Im facing it. I'm doing what I feel I want to do for somebody. I no longer want to go for a conclusion. Ya, u are right to say I tend to jump to conclusion. Yes, I had this problem and u reminded me that it's coming back to me again. I got to refrain from being like that again.
I quite sympathise Mr Chong today. The whole lecture hall was so empty and he remarked: "I think there's a close correlation between the lecture atttendance and when the project deadline nears". haha!!! Anyway, many many times I realise he was looking at me and seemed like talking to me especially the last part of the announcment. He was looking at me and nodded if I understood. haha! Guess also because during break time I went to ask him alot of questions abt the lecture. So well..think I was the very few in the rather empty lecture hall that was listening to him. haha!
Went BPP for lunch with LL today. Guess who I saw on the bus? Eileen!!! She was my piano teacher's student too. We got to know each other through piano performance. She had completed her grade 8 two years ago but she respect me with high regards despite I was grade-less when I got to know her. haha! I remembered vividly the last performance we performed together was few yrs back when she played cannon in D and I played some romantic and new age classical pieces. haha! Before the results were out, we were holding hands together and guess what? I got first and she was second...So sweet. We were so happy!!! But that was long ago...I may not have the same touch now. haha.
Today my grp member asked if i was busy dating that's why cannot meet next week then I say huh...er..no. I mean the other gal also said she cannot make it next week what. Anyway, she kept insisting I have one then I was sooo curious u know... Eh...Why u know I have a bf when I myself don't know abt that? haha! She don't want to tell me she saw me inside or outside sch with a guy. Weird. Anyway, she say y u dont have bf? then I ask her why u think anyone will be interested in me? wahahahahha!
Got all my results...Still ok. Not as gd as last semester but well...I have gain something more meaningful than results.
Dear kaijun...I love u and only u!!! Thanks for finding Vanessa Hudgen CD for me!!! Muacks!!! Huggies!!! (omg..I sound les)
Depending on someone, n someone depending on me its love. Reminded me of Angela Zhang's song. The HK drama at Channel U expressed this so well. The guy was working hard for his case and the gal was working hard for her exam. They both relied on each other for the moral support and shared the joy and happiness of the outcome. So touched.Yeah, I would depend on someone when u truly allow me to and when I have trust in u. Just like dear LL! I know i can depend u totally. I will want u to lead me...Walking beside me. In life, academic and even in the future when u get married...I hope we are always on the same pace. Don't walk too fast or following me behind...Walk with me and cont an everlasting frenship.
Thursday, June 26, 2008
It's now 9.30 pm and I just got home. Whoa!!! I'm in high spirit now. wahahaha!
I woke up at 7.45 am today when my lesson is at 8am. haha! First word of the day: "Shit". haha!!! But I was so calm..I took my bath...took a cup of soyamilk and called dear. She thought im in the class already but then I said I just left home and she was like shouting har! haha!!! Anyway, I was so lucky a cab came to me as I was towards the MRT station. haha! Mum sponsoring me $10 then u say rupiah? I say no...Eur or GBP. haha! Teacher was very sweet to me...She marked me present w/o late. haha!
After IS...Went POSB to change my address(after 5 yrs man!) and from tumbprint to signature. Ya, that's the account mum opened for my red pax $. After that...I was having this upcoming headache so I settled myself in starbucks at civic center. Sofa seat!! Was preparing for my bible study meeting in the evening. So wow..comfortable & strong aircon. Then...this eurasian was learning some poker cards trick and asked me to help him test out...wah!!! I was so fascinated. Whoa!!! hmm... haha.
Piano lesson...Mdm chan graded me today w/o my knowing. She went through the whole procedure of the exam. Overall I got a merit. Well..my technical skills & three master pieces are of distinction but sight reading 17/21 and guess what? I failed my aural!!! haha!!! I GUESSED the wrong period. haha! Baroque, classical, romantic & 20th century u are killing me! Shi*. haha! So well because of aural I got a merit, 121/150. 9 marks more to dinstinction. Ok, I will make sure I will pass with merit for aural within these 3 weeks. Well..I have also discussed with teacher I will want to take a break in August so that I can focus on my sch exam n take a break. She is most willing lah cuz I have fufilled her dreams on me to go for exam. haha!
Next..went to meet up with clare for bible study meeting. She's in her early 30s and our horoscope are both cancer. haha! We are always siao siao in church...now worst in the public. haha! Dman high! We first went to deli to discuss then I said can we take a look first then he say sure Im most willing to wait for u and wink. Omg. I went eh....Anyway she thought I am in my early twenties. Oh man...*fainted*. haha!!! She say I present myself with great stability and very matured. haha!!! Anyway, we have very alike mentality and fav. Like bible study...We actually chose the same things and also...we like green tea!!! n alot alot alot of things lah...hehe...We went to eat sakae. Her call cuz her birthday was tuesday so ya...I followed. Before we left...I saw this very nice SK necklace...They labelled it as their monthly birthday special! Omg!!! so nice!!! not very exp also...whoa!!!
Sometimes ask urself what is the ending you want? Do you see a future? Remeber even if u have a r/s with her, how long will it last? So now ask urself will u be even more sad to give up now or when she leaves u for another? Rational decisions may contridict anything that matters ur heart. Although its true that having feelings or attracted to someone might not need to be with that person but staying in the greyish situation is really very torturing thing to cont with. It's very confusing and from time to time... u will feel so sad that u might tear. Everytime when u want to give up, there are things that draws u back again but I hope u will really decide it fast because i want u to be happy. Take care.
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
I wanted to do some work before I go to sch but seemed like I go blank staring infront of my screen. My eyes are so swallon now. Well. I guess it's a price to pay to mend a relationship so dear to me. To talk things out and to really hope that from today onwards things will change for the better. However, if things does not not improve, I would at least not regret a single bit because I have tried my best by preparing a letter for her and giving up my work time to talk to her. Well Well... Ytd was abit crazy cuz I told her many many things which I have been hiding from her. It terms of personal life or whatsoever. I was not very happy with some things she said still but I guessed that's just her way of communicating with me, so be it. She will have her own way then. I'm her daughter after all.
I have received Auntie's gift. I know it's a watch but I have not unwrapped it. haha! Wait till the actual day ba. Btw, mum say Auntie & Uncle planning to bring me go clubbing next sat night cuz my mum don't want me to end up not knowing anything because of her protective nature. haha! Nevertheless, liling my sun is for u n my family. U know it. I'm glad you are always trying to endure all my crap. Thanks.
This week is hell busy. I have so many incomplete task and appts. I have so many deadlines to meet by fri and it doesn't end as at fri. I still have to go on working on WISP, TR & IV proj over the weekend cuz she's leaving for Taiwan next thur. haiz. Sat afternoon still have to go town to get some stuff for CFAS. eh...LL wanna test what gift to get for me right? haha! Told u...I'm very happy that u actually took off on my actual day to come my house and celebrate with me. I'm very touched already. Rmb ur accompany and presence is most important to me.
I'm struggling whether to mark down someone's grades anot. Well...Ben told me he wouldn't despite his grp member is bz because they are buddies for "ages". haha. Well..I can't really compare it that way because I ain't buddy with her and most of the time when we talk is usually abt projs. Like I say, I won't talk abt myself to my classmates. The level of trust is just insfficient for me to throw my personal life to them. Well..I really don't know. I'm rushing myself and pushing myself so hard but end up it is like taken for granted? At the end of the day I'm like doing a total of 2 people's work load. I'm glad he tried to voice out for me and fight for my rights. Haiz. N he was saying like I care too much abt how they feel and if they can take it anot but I was thinking ur well being is very important to me too apart from work qualities. To me, I can always improve on ur work, but well being...I hope I don't mess up our frenship.
Hey dear, thanks for remembering and holding on to me after I got back TR results. It was comforting that u remembered that I was damn panicky abt it. Yes, I did very badly (as compared to my own capabilities) but will u view me as lousy? Will u still want to study with me? U said we will cont to work hard for exam but do u really want to study with someone who got less than 40? hmm.
Suicide partner you jump, I jump eh? haha! Not wanting u to know my birthday maybe it's a lie to myself. Maybe I don't wish myself to start expecting anything from you. I'm also afraid of the outcome. It's never too easy n yet complicated to see things. Relaxing so that we can focus and see things clearer is gd that I don't deny but maybe it is not applicable to me because I don't want to hurt or irritate anyone around me. I tried and was horrified but what I felt truly and saw what's the problem in me. Running away? Maybe but that's the best for all. Don't make someone feel special when she isn't special to u at all. Don't continue to say things that make her go crazy for u when u don't want that outcome at all. Stop torturing mentally and emotionally. Whahahahahahahahahahaha!!! I'm like a preacher. whoa!!!
Monday, June 23, 2008
I'm glad to be able to see Andrea today. I missed her so much!!! We were on the phone for the past 2 weeks daily but we didn't get to see each other. But........Dear, please take care of urself. Apart from home made honey and sweets I don't know what else I can do to make u feel better. I wonder if it taste awlful or u don't like honey? haha! It has been quite a long time since I do this for someone. Eh...think LL will kill me. I have not done such thing for her before. haha!
I shall talk about the happy stuffs first. Auntie just called back to answer the question BEN confused me with. haha!!! Then she asked: "So melody, work over? Now personal. I want to get u a watch for ur birthday. U want?" I said: "NO! Uncle got me a gift already." Then she said: "No, that's from him. This is going to be from me". I answered: "Don't want lah...". She said: "No, melody. You know I can afford right?". I answered: "of cuz I know that, but I feel very bad. Uncle give also same de mah". The end she insisted to get me the watch S.H.E endorsed. haha! She knows I like the one Hebe wore in bull fighting but then I can only wear those bracelet de n must be real one...cannot wear plastic types cuz SENSITIVE skin. ya, that's why mum said I'm a exp daughter. haha! Well...So let's see what did she got for me then...haha!
Anyway, I was thinking...It's 6789 next week. Which means 19 yrs ago next week, my mum was suffering. Apart from coping with my bio father's imprisonment & adultrIES, she went through her pregnancy term on her own. Haiz. Sometimes I really think if what my granny said abt me was true. Its me & my father who caused her daughter; my mum so much sufferings. Well...Since 6789, I gave her nth but worries and anger i guess. Love & happiness? I guess so too but we can't escape from the -ve side too. We need both sides to enhance the impact of the +ve side. Well... I don't know.
As 6789 draws near...The more I would be reminded that xyz's birthday is coming soon too. I guess it's something that would follow me for life because his birthday 1 day before me will never change. 5 July...I thought I will be absorbed in sch but Nicole told me think mine had been rescheduled. Anyway, my day is free on 5 july if that's the case cuz I don't know what happened to kor also. He suddenly said he cannot make it & the feeling he gave me is that he don't give a damn. Hello! I'm ur god sis what is going on? Is it because he is attached now? If that's the case, tell me! At least I wouldnt wild think that ur brain's MRI has problem! It's ur health that I care!
It's ok if u don't celebrate or do anything for me. I being disappointed is my own business but if u had gave ur word, then I guess I will feel very very sad. Haiz. I don't wish to think too much of what happened...maybe he is just busy. Two guys said they will celebrate with me and1 has backed out. Whoa...Think I shan't think anything more abt it.
July...5, 6, 14, 25 & 26. Nice. haha!
I'm losing my stand & LL is warning me. Well..I guess starting from don't know when I have already lost my stand unknowingly. It's really crazy. I dislike that.
I was listening to this song in canto version by andy lau and was brought to this eng version thru the links. Very old song but it's so nice. HIGH! haha!!!
Sunday, June 22, 2008
Whoa! Time flies. It's BACK to school tml. Weird that I don't feel the sadness or unwillingness I felt when I was young. The kind of unwillingness to go back to sch and hope to cont playing. It seems like another day in my life tml unlike the past which I would suffer from insomia the night before. hahahaha!!! Anyway, I have not done anything for cfas tutorial, not even study the elearning for cfas. Hopefully Mrs Choo's lecture tml would somehow help me to have a macro view of what is going on for that chapter. haha!
I was very reluctant to get up at 7am for church today. I feel so shag after cont few nights of late nights but don't know what pulled me up. haha.After church, we went cwp for lunch and so on. Dad showed me some materials I could used for cfas proj then mum went to register nick at mind stretcher for phonics class. Well. I worked for say 6 mths at mind stretcher in year 1 yeah but in Jurong branch, not woodlands but they manage the places the same. Cuz actually different branches are under different boss, though all materials are gotten from supplier. So somehow they are just buying the name. Anyway, mum always say nick only learn or get scared when outsiders scold him but somehow I think she is also like that. I told her what the procedures are like. I told her how they manage the place but she didn't believe me or rather she didn't even want to listen to me. So well...She had to deal all that crap by the in charge lor. After we left the place, she started complaining the place. I kept quiet since then. I mean...I told u but what did I receive? You face the music urself then.
She has been choosing what she wants to listen and blocking out what she doesn't want to listen. She could just turn to dad and talk or joke to him when she was facing n talking to me. Then if things turn -ve, she will say its my fault for not telling her. All these while I would fight for my rights but seemed like starting from today I will take a deep breathe and smile, full stop. Forcing me to my ends. I rather not say anything more n I guess from today onwards Im going to reduce my conversations. She also can choose to not reply to anyone even when me n dad was asking her smthing right infront of her with eye contact. Goodness. Recently she kept reminding that Im being more n more rude to her, then what abt urself? U are seeing ur reflection.
"You always show u r sensitive to phone rings, then y didnt u ans my calls?" My hp is in silence mode. "Why?" Because I'm very tired, I find it noisy. "Fine, then don't buy hp, no use". (SHI*)
Was at arcade with my parents ytd and we saw these ppl ard my age in pairs displaying public affection. Eh...It's those very very overboard ones. Mum looked at me and she say they might show off to me that I don't have one like them, thats y im with my family but when they are in their 30s, they will realise what I have they don't. I know what is she refering to...Career, $, statues & a bf with high flying career too. She always say she don't compare but she always say infront of me that so & so's bf is doctor lah & bla bla...I was eh...I don't care abt all these. As long as I love him, n he loves me. I know its naive but why must we always complicate love... I wanted to ask her...U earn more than dad & ur job is not as hectic as his, then y did u married to him? haha! Bet she will say Im rude so well I didnt. The ans is because of love. So stop expecting from me. If it comes, it comes.
Dear LL, although I prefer sentimental gifts but I really don't want u to spend so much $ on me. This silly gal was asking me to choose what jewel captures my heart when we passed by SK on sat. haha! No ladies will reject real jewels ba but I know u need to pay off ur own sch fees n so on n also u r buying a cake to celebrate with me and my parents on th actual day so try not to ba.
Today's bible reading is abt Fear, confidence and love. Many people don't like the truth and like even less the consequences that may results from telling it. I felt him talking to me because I really don't know if I should give my mum that letter. I fear of the consequences. Will she start her cold war with me again? I'm scared yet the longer i drag the worst she is not realising I'm affected by all of these. I don't know. Anyway, we must listen to and learn the message of christ, and speak up boldly and fearlessly despite the consequences because only god can destroy both ur body and soul. To counterbalance fear, it's confidence in god. I was thinking when I'm negative and fearful, the truth that I overcame the prob was that I'm confidence with myself or god? I hope its god. I would rather have a lesser of myself, n more for him.
Hmm. Just now my heart was pouncing so hard that I was so scared. haha! I guess my tension was really very tight just now. Well. I know its always gd to relax so that we would see things clearer but that's the point. I don't want to see things clearer cuz I saw it when I stepped back and relax previously. I have said I'm learning to face it but realised I'm back onto the same square again & again. What should I do? Dear, kill me!
Sometimes I was thinking...If there's no longer me, will the family be happier... Will people only regret for not cherishing someone who love u, always be there for u n tries her best to do anything for left? I don't know. Heck.
U can do it & deep down in u, u know u can do it. Scouting has always been ur forte so don't be dampen by the high expectation pinned on u. Yes, management is important so give ur best shot & don't regret. Don't forget what u promised ur dad. You have found the reason of living and that is to do ur best in everything. So that's it, do ur best & enjoy urself. Smiles.
Picture day
Dear LL came to meet me at CWP with my mum and we discussed out cfas project after that. It was rather a rush as I had to prepare myself or the studio family photo taking and she has to go to her couz's wedding dinner. hmm. Anyway, glad our questions are done. Macro and micro view are done. Gonna type out our minutes and hold the meeting with 2Js on tue. Yeah! So well...The bg look like a studio huh...Nah...My room!
"THANKS" to LL ar...I just realised this pic in my hp!!! The angle u took made me seemed like I was nude lah!!! Crap gal! Take advantage of the moment when I was drown in work huh....!
Took this after the photo taking. I was damn shag. I had problem staying awake during the shoot though. Camera man was saying: "mei mei don't so slpy, open big ur eyes". haha!! Dying lah. Anyway, I did well after the 2nd shot onwards. The problem wasn't on me but my bro who was too active.
Hmm. Getting ready for the shoot was headache. They want to redo the make up for us. Of cuz mah...They are professionals. Ok, so I had mascara on. Second time in my life! haha. First time was when mum got remarried. It's so troublesome to put such thick make up!! I was struggling in the toliet just now. So hard to clean!!! haiz. Can I be a guy instead? wahahaha! She said my eye lashes wasn't short leh...I always though mine was short and ugly wahaha. She recommend me to get Shiseido's clipper but then I have leh...Auntie gave it to me previously but then I always cant clip it so thought its my lashes problem. haha!
Had dinner at the cafe in their bowling center...I ate chicken chop not bad lah. I'm not a jack's place gal ok! Jack's place is for the atmosphere but that's only for occasion. I still live in the life whereby good taste is more import esp with my dad who is gd in food. wahahaha!
After that we went for a movie, INC Hulk! OMG!!! IT'S so nice!! Anyone who did watch iron man should watch that cuz Johnny Spark did appear at the last 2 minutes. They kind of link the two shows together but only that last 2 mins...haha!INC Hulk is so tough to everyone due to anger but there's only one person who can soften him down. His love. Only she can tame him down and only he has the ability to protect her. OMG! That's what love is all abt to me. It's abt both parties taking care of each other and not only one side's effort. It's the reliance of both parties on one another. Omg...It's so romantic.
Anyway, I once thought viewing the moonlight was very romantic and loving thing to do with the person u love but as I grew up I thought I was naive and stupid to think that way cuz no one will be as boring as me. Nevertheless, I realised someone is even more crazy and stupid than me. Whenever I follow my parents to view the moon during sats, I feel like a huge light bulb so since then I kept myself away from such stuffs. Maybe there will be a day with a person near the future.
I want to watch 'wanted' and 'Hell Boy'. Anyone interested to watch with me???
Saturday, June 21, 2008
There's a sense of relieve in me. Why so? Because my IV report is visible. I have drawn out the whole report with cover page, appendix, abbreviation, chart, newspaper cutting all done. Even editing of 2Js work are done. All formatted into the report. Left 2 questions by Yiying who is still in Australia. That doesn't matter I still have 1 week to SLOWLY edit her work. haha!!! So my group is doing fine for IV. I wonder how's Andrea doing for her analysis cuz I know she is bz with some stuffs over the weekend. Hmm...TR analysis report have to be done within 1st week of sch too. I think Andrea is right...I'm "Mr chong Melody". haha!!! MFS grp project I wonder its because its not led by me or rather I don't have much interest in that module that led me to be so easy going with that project. In the first place, I didn't want to even lead the group for this proj cuz of political reasons but now I realised it's just not my cup of tea. I still prefer dealing with economics! haha!
I was watching the HK lawyer drama just now and felt how weak can a marriage be especialy when adultry happens. I was reminded of what happened to me and ppl ard me. Why can't people be contented and happy with their partner? Yeah, I know its tough to maintain a r/s not say marriage but then since god has given u this fate to be know each other, to nuture a frenship and then leading it to a r/s and then finally marriage...It's so precious but why does people always seek for passionate love and excitement... Taking ppl ard them for granted? Or are they just getting bored with everything? I guess in the past I was too obssessed with my own family and work that I neglected him leading to...hai..Don't wish to say but I'm a failure in this area. I have to admit that I can't and till now I don't have the courage to think of getting into one. How crazy can I be over someone but I just cant...I give you trust, love and well..heart mind soul but u cheated on me. So u know y m i so agitated when my beloved uncle actually did that to her. Goodness. Also...All these encounterment made me not want to reveal my weak side easily but somehow bcuz Im sentimental and emotional...I tend to do or fall for things that are irrational. Just like that lawyer. He being a lawyer knows he could be sued for assulting but he still carried on hitting that fella. I don't like the reflection of myself at times. I can be so weak at times esp at home but when Im out, my strong front comes out. LL always say can u not act.
I may be able to help ppl feel better thru advises but somehow I myself can't carried out what I may had advised. If a frenship or r/s hurts me, I would let go and not carry on maintaining or begging for it to be maintained. Nevertheless in reality, I will hold on until the very very last moment before letting u go and when I really let go..give up, there goes. It's a thorough end between us. When I have decided to cut off all my sec sch frenz, I really mean it and till today I don't respond. It's not abt forgiveness or whatsoever relating to religion, it's just since it made me unhappy, then y hold on. As for now, there are people who im holding on so tight...You never know when u r hurting me...ur actions & words...I'm trying to hide it away but you never know.
Unhappiness? Yes, I bound to be unhappy over stuffs but life goes on. It will be a touch & go. I won't know when I will leave this world. It may be soon. Yes, I'm worrying cuz I just rmb Scoliosis does lead to breathing difficulties. haha. Maybe my leave would be for gd. haha!!!
Depression? Nah. I'm fine!! Just that this is my blog. I like to throw all i think n feel. I'm happy for now...esp when LL guessed rightly what my birthday wish from her was...yeah, I WANT U.I WANT UR HEART. haha!!!
Going for family photo taking at the studio later. Hmm..I look damn shag after 2 weeks of lack of slp. Hope I would look gd tml. wahahha!
Thursday, June 19, 2008
It's a crazy day today! Why? Because there was him with me!!! Things with him was like...It was respect and favourtism from the beginning and then things became ugly...I started to hate him for hurting her and then disgusted till today...It knocked my some sense to my shallow-ness. No matter what he does, it's his personal life. "He is still ur fav uncle, melody. That place in my heart has never change regardless how strong ur words were in the past. Also, you are still his fav niece. He dotes on me alot".We met up at Clementi, near his camp then we went to Raffles Shopping Center to get my DEAREST kaijun's river island shawl (btw, I hope u will like it...He says it's rather glam haha). Anyway, we had out lunch first. Guess where did we go? We went SUBWAY!!! WAHAHAHAHA! Oh man. It was so so so nice!!! I had a great time laughing. He only ate salad n drank mineral water. Omg, he is really crazy over dieting. Can't stand him. His face complex is better than mine. Win! Ok, then we went to shop ard for my wallet. hehe! SO many branded shops I wanted to say: "Can I wait outside? haha...It's horrible lah. Not my cup of tea". haha!!! He wanted to get the CK white wallet for me. It was nice but only in white...so no! I told him right into his face...I only want that Renoma one I told u abt then he say u sure? I smile n he thought Im uncertain but then I looked into his eyes n say YES. So there we went back to get that black one and he paid. Next, we went perlini silver. Saw one rather exp ear rings...I was captured by it lah then he asked anything for u? I ask u buy for me ar? He say YA, what u want. Wahahaha! So ya, I got that ear ring too! wahaha! He saw one pearl necklace and bought it for auntie too. So sweet. I hope that's not because there still the presence of the other woman. Although my auntie's jewel are all in 3-4 figures but the fact that this is bought by my uncle maybe she wouldn't mind its just a low 3 figures? haha!!! Last but not least, I left my piano books in his car and he got to make an U turn. haha! He was driving auntie's bmw. Gd...He drives better the owner. ehhh...shhh.haha!Today's piano lesson went well. Mdm Chan said my 3 master pieces are of distinction standard. Wahaha! However, I know where I stand for sight reading and oral. Oral not in terms of singing but analysis of music. Singing sure distinction, yes KJ and LL? wahahha! I'm going crazy with music terms. Baroque, classical, romantic & 20th century periods. Have to analysis. Saw I was the second on the exam list I stared at her and she hehe. I have to put my best students in the front to boost the impression of the examiner. I winced. Eh...Better student? Big different lah. Hui shan the first one is taking grade 8, n im taking grade 5 who is right behind her? wah like that also can. Anyway, my piano teacher has high hopes, confidence and patience with me. She knows I get distracted with emo stuffs but I practice hard and keen to learn.Went for tea with my piano teacher after she settled another student after me. The fact that she was my mum's ex colleague before becoming a full time piano tr, she knows my mum's pattern. haha! Well but it wasn't really abt me. It was abt her. She is feeling very very stressed up with the upcoming of all her students piano exam n her hubby can't relate like how I may be able. Ya, cuz we are of same type of ppl. Stressful! haha!!!She told me smthing when relating to her marriage and family. She say: "Melody, having a high flying career is not everything in a lady's life but it's a happy r/s..marriage then would bring happiness to u". I nod unknowingly but how to? She carried on: " Don't be how strong headed and aggressive I was in the past. Learn to tone down and bring out the small little gal inside u that hope so much to be taken care of...protected. I smiled but shaked my head. No, I wish to but life does not allow me to. Whenever I let down my guard and when the small gal in me creeps out, I will bound to get hurt. It's then the small gal would fall back in the bottom of my heart and the hardcore front would hold me up from all the craps.As for now...Currently...I will do my best but yet stike a balance in my life. Just like now. I work hard with Andrea and then we will enjoy ourselves in our own ways but yeah...We are gonna meet out 1 day so that I can get her a gift. Forgot abt the watch ok? Like u told me I should put away mine too. So yeah...Arrange with me dear!Not gonna play by the cards on ur hands. U decide urs and I decide mine. Contented.
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
It was a crazy tuesday night for me and a wonderful night for RCIA batch 27. The respond was good!!! The room was packed with inquiries and sponsors. I was alittle nervous in the beginning to be controlling the laptop but haha. It went well. The holy spirit was with us. So well. Inquiries assigned to me & Joshua are actually a couple. Nice match. Both of us can be stayed together for lessons as well as our inquiries. Many mistook us as bf/gf. wahahaha!!! Yaya...Someone who really took it seriously to want to buy me an Ipod phone for my birthday. Siao guy. Who wants such exp gift from you besides I don't fancy that phone. haha
Anyway, what really was crazy last night was the reunite with Zita & Gavin. They had their ROM after the retreat and they are coming back for another yr of journey before they get married in the church. wahahaha! So well...When joshua and gavin when pigging with food, we ladies were talking. Zita is even more straight forward then me man!!! Auntie Catherine was shocked when she overheard what she said to me. haha! What she said was: "So how's life? U lost alot of weight since last seen u in April. What happened?" "Did I? I thought I gained weight" I asked. "Definately not. U are smaller now and ur is getting bigger" she answered. Ok, I almost choked with the water I was drinking!!! Auntie catherine eyes went so wide: "Wah...U observed her figure real well huh then I blushed. Wahahaha! Siao lah...My figure? I have stopped seeing myself that way after sec sch being compared. wahaha! Anyway, we laughed and laughed abt many many silly silly thing. I was so happy cuz at last I had things left at the back of my mind. I'm so happy!
So when I got home.. as expected something bad will have to happen before my day is complete so ya...LL msg me abt some sad stuff & I went to slp with tears in my eyes. haha!
LL, no worries abt me. Simon needs you more than me at the moment. I can cope ok? You know I don't like to trouble anyone yeah? You take gd care of Simon and urself ok? I'm really fine.
Andrea, u owe me alot alot alot in terms of work and I owe u alot alot in terms of emotional support. Thanks for keeping me focus and yeah...Making me laugh at ur report. wahahaha! I'm so nice as to edit ur grp's report for u right...wahahaha! Rmb to special thanks me in ur report. Haha. Hope you are more motivated in ur work after ytd night's call. We really support each other in diff areas ya? haha!!! I'm glad I can be there for u in terms of work, n u are there for me when I felt so tired emotionally.
Making use of someone in my life? No way, I'm not going to do that even if that is if the person offer to be used. I will NEVER do that. If someone does think that I have used u before, then i'm sorry. I have never meant to do that. I may rely on someone because there was an instinct in me that I can trust u totally but it had never occured to me that I'm using someone in that manner. I will repay whatever it takes. I don't like owe-ing anyone anything. LL knows. She knows I'm not used to be the receiver party. So well...that's in me. Nevertheless, she also knows I like to pacified and pampered by her sometimes. That's why I love her so much. She knows me inside out. wahahaha!!!
Whatever I do in life, I like it to be either black or white. I don't like to be in greyish area. Nevertheless, in life we are always left in the greyish situation. It's neither here nor there. May it be work or r/s. My work...Everything is like half done here n there. In my r/s, I have letters typed out to confess my feelings to my mum but I have no courage to give it to her as I fear to face the "music" after that. That's life. It's never gonna be whatever you wish it is.
I feel signs of peace in my heart now. Things are getting into place and I'm glad. I will make it right. Jesus will lead me the way. Only in u, I find real peace. Only in u, my shelter is found. Only u, I can be myself.
A nice song from coco lee. My childhood fav cartoon; Mulan. I admire her determination and perseverance of her big dreams. Seems like all these are in me since young eh? haha! Who is that girl I see staring straight back at me. When will my reflection show who I am inside...I can fool the whole world with a fake mask but I can't fool my own heart. So ya...Let go & I will see in a clearer vision.
Meeting him tml! Yeah!!!
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
It was father's day on sun, 15th June. It was also a family day for me. After church, we went to shop for electrical appliances. Dad bought new LCD TV, dvd recorder cum player & new hifi set. He is really rich. wahahaha! He wanted to replace the hifi set in my room too but I declined the offer. He has done alot for me besides I don't think it is necessary. haha! My mum was saying: "No lah.. The hifi set here does not capture her heart". haha! Maybe that's true.
Next we went to watch Kungfu panda. A nice jovious show. My brother was laughing. Glad. Then we went to crystal jade for dinner to celebrate father's day. Oh oh!!! For lunch, we had this rice ball chicken rice at the coffee shop oppo sim lim square. Can go there! Nice!!! Omg! haha! Anyway, as I have said my life is roller coaster daily. A bomb dropped to me in my mailbox when I came home to check in the night. Guess what? I was too tired to face it. I slept at 10 pm when Andrea say she is going to slp too. haha!!! We are too tired after cont 2-3 days slping at 2am & on my side I woke up at 8am next morning. haha! Why? Cuz I can't slp more. Work keeps me away from all things that I don't wish to think or rather things I'm avoiding.
Ytd I let my frustration out of my brother. What happened was he was shouting, screaming & crying at me like a spoilt brad from my house door along the corridor to the lift lobby. He didn't want me to press the lift lobby n I didn't. So even after he pressed it, he was still kicking a fuss. Jumping up & down...Screaming at me...Crying...Really like a spoilt brad. I'm not like his mum or my usual self which we would just walk away but ytd I scolded him at the top my voice too. He was taken aback & shocked but at least I have calmed him down though it was my turn to be agitated. haha!!! So my mum was abit shocked that I lost control of myself & she blamed me for seeing him with my grown up mentality. Hello!! She seemed to be spoiling him, it's not my fault totally. haha! My mum admitted to me that I was an angel since young. I ain't like him. When he wants something, he would want it NOW.. IMMEDIATELY..INSTANTLY. I wasn't like that. At least people who brought me up say I was an angel. Kaijun said when I want her mum to play with me when I was young, I would wait patiently after she is done with her stuff. I hope my kid won't be like that. This incident made me realised something about myself. I'm someone who don't take the hard way. You want me to do something for u, approach me the soft way. U give me hard way, I give u hell. Don't test me. Esp ytd I was very stressed & pissed of ther mail I received. hahahahahaha!
Oh yes...Just received news from my piano teacher. My exam is on 21st July. It's a monday..school...haiz! Anyway, my hands was shaking when I saw that msg. God....
Yes yes...I'm breathing harder & harder these days. I guess my tension is too tight that it is affecting my rest too. Can I be brought away from my world for a second? Yes, maybe this is the night I'm waiting for. Dissolving myself into church? I don't know. Maybe I should run away from home, from reality. Nah...
A nice song from Vanessa Hudgen; Whatever will be, will be.
Life goes on no matter what. Whether is it the way I want it to be, I will go on. Whether if it hurts my heart, that doesn't matter. At least I know, I have done things that wouldn't make me regret. I was naive to be faith in hope, & now I guess I'm not gonna hope too much & focus on work. I have finally learn to accept the bad apart from good side in life. It is tough but I know I can get through it. I wonder if the rope I walk is wearing thin that would cause me to fall, but I know somehow god will arrange an angel to catch me. Is the life I love caving in? I don't know. Maybe by acting the means of how life leads will be easier for me. Yes, what is in our mind is caged by how we want to think thus leading our feelings. Maybe that should go on & things will be better. My broken wings will be mended by u but starting from lesson tonight, I will learn to regain the faith I have in u.
Saturday, June 14, 2008
I can say that I m only left with 1 more week of holidays before the real stressful term starts or I can also say my first week of holiday is gone. haha! So it's the positive or negative way of seeing things yeah but life goes on no matter what I think or feel so ya...Hopefully I could always remind myself to cope with such uncertainty in life.
My first week of holiday seems gd to me. I had time with family, best fren, uncle & auntie & also church frenz. So well...I can see the more exciting week ahead. Apart from doing projects, there's still more catching up to be done. wahaha!
Just came back from my auntie's hse. We had a gathering for father's day. Hmm...Had a great time with my uncle as usual insulting one another in a very funny manner & ya he promise me to meet me this coming week for my gift. haha! Cuz I have not really seen one that captures my heart so ya, he's going down with me. haha!!
Talking abt gifts...I got my birthday present from my parents already. In fact its from my dad lah ha. Dad was shocked cuz my mum told him another model then dad remarked:"wah...change model already ar?"I was eh...Ever since the beginning, it's always that one, it has never change. So my mum realised she got the wrong model but after some consideration, she still decided to get it for me but dad paid. wahahaha! He isn't as generous normally lor. It's because he striked 4D. I wouldn't say how much but it's the first prize. (KJ, keep it to urself ar!!!) WAHAHAHAHAHA!
I wonder why out of no reason I felt the need to do something & I was glad I really did it. Although i know I shouldn't cuz I'm just causing much more hurt to myself but then seems like a calling for me to do it. Anyway, I hope it did help someone to feel better.
Just now at my Auntie's place, my couz asked me to teach her to play UNO. Auntie bought her a set with the 7 princess printing. haha! So well...It reminded me of my childhood time. The most vivid childhood memories I had was playing uno cards and five stones with my mum's students. In fact I was quite gd at it esp cards that's why my godma was very worried for me since young cuz she was afraid I would follow my father becoming a gambler but then I guess I used such strategy and brains in a better way than what my father did. I put it into my studies & hopefully my career in the future. It occured to me that since young, I always play by the means of what my opponent has. Say for instance whatever I do, I would consider what is on the hands of the others and from there I would play accordingly. Of cuz many would say thats the way u play cards but then how old was I only? I was say pri 1 or 2 when I started playing all these stuffs. Although my couz is a smart gal but maybe bcuz she started learning today so she isn't so clear abt strategy to play ard the cards so well I gave in to her in most of the rounds. I even put my cards of the floor for her to see and taught her the various mtd n strategy to counteract. wahaha!
Anyway main pt is... Even till now whatever I do, I act by the means of the other party. I will only make a move after seeing the reaction of the other party. Why is this so? It is natural. We are protecting ourself from setbacks or hurts. For example, let's say A likes B, but B likes C. So A will not do anything more because the cards on B tells her that his heart is with C. So well... A will act by the means of the other party to prevent herself from further setbacks or hurts. haha. Thought of such example while watching a drama. Anyway, it's very real in life. U never know when such things are happening to you or ppl ard u.
As for me...I'm always giving giving giving but when something shakens the person's stand, I would act by the means of that person. Seeing how that person react and move before I make a move to protect myself. For me, I think somehow I don't know when to stop until I felt the pain & hurt. It's more like a wake up call to me that I'm falling too deep. Likewise in a frenship, I felt the drift between me & her. I'm not being sensitive but it's a fact so I guess. I'm now looking how she would react and move before I make mine to min the hurts.
Then mum said wah...u play with elia ar? If u win, u seem to be bullying her. If u lose, u are so lousy. haha! Then I ask her...why must I win in everything? Why must I score 100% in everything? The reason I play with her is to acc her & make her happy. I mean its a kind of bonding too right? haha! In the future if I have someone, i would be most happy if he could play with me n elia also. There's happiness within it. It's not something like dates or outing. It doesn't cost much but the returns might be more than those outings. Just like the day before TR paper, I was at the playground with my family. Mum was playing see-saw with me...She was so rough lah...It felt as though I was flying away and I was screaming for help lah. haha!! People really did stop by and see what was going on lor...So both of us laughed like nobody's business. wahahha! So ya...I'm nine yrs old in 3 weeks time & 1 mth from today, someone will be 20. haha...nono...forever 18? haha!!!
Dear LL...when are we meeting this coming week? & u said u would acc me to get the stuffs? Are u free? or osim does not give u off? haha! Don't want boyfren lah...This girlfren here is better!!! haha! Take care.
Thursday, June 12, 2008
My Date with Kaijun
Finally met up with my "old old" gf. haha! My childhood fren, my best buddy. Used me as "dang jian pai" so that u don't have to meet then on thur right? haha! U said in ur blog that one msg from u, I'm down to meet u...Yeah, see how important u are to me. wahaha! Also because I can't access bloomberg from home what, can't get the data I want so could only do my work on fri when I go back to sch. haha! Hmm. Ladies night? We went to watch sex & the city, pizza hut for lunch cum dinner then shop for awhile before she said she want to go partyworld. Hummp! Glad u said u enjoyed urself. wahaha! Of cuz! Not everyone are as melodious as me right? wahahaha! Anyway, I know u was seeing if I would cry while watching the movie right? Yes, I did. I controlled & controlled until bla bla bla...It rolled down my cheeks instantly. Nevertheless I love the way how her frenz are so protective over her, care and love her. Yeah...Likewise, BIG is confused when it comes to marriage. However he is clear in his heart what he wants is HER, that's it but she wants this and that for her marriage that seemed like the marriage is not only abt US but everyone. haha! It's the love that its between two but marriage somehow is linked to most ppl in both parties life. So yeah...Her wedding gown was whoa! haha!
Really amazed how my life can turn within a day. Morning was bad, but things picked up pretty well thereafter. Hmm... I can't avoid alot of things. Neither could I bring myself to face alot of things. Yet, what should I do? Maybe I should do nth. haha!
(I prefer the 1 on the top lah, but Kaijun likes the one on bottom ya dear? haha! My eyes small my fault ar? Ask mdm heng so unfair lah).
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
Bible
11:18 AMTo view our life as blessed doesn't require us to deny our pain or to put on a happy face no matter what. It simply requires a more all-embracing vision.
(Extracted from monday's bible reading)
When I came to the sentence while reading the daily bible, I was stunned. I practically stopped there. In fact I do not need to finish the whole passage as God has shown his presence to me. It tells me that a blessed life does not mean that u have to be happy all day long and that nth will bring u down. In fact, its because of things which would bring u down that enhances how life can be so wonderful at gd times. I always choose to deny my miserable, my pain by putting up a strong front or to put a happy face no matter what comes into my life. Somehow all these are unnecessary. What matters is to hold on and not give up. To tell urself u should brooden up ur vision. "Today's setback is not to bring u down but to make u stronger". Ok, that's gonna be copyright by me. haha!
This morning it made me understood one thing; my daily life is like a roller coaster. To many people they can be very happy a few days but smthing bad might happen the next day but things will pick up again. However its different for me. It happens on a daily basis. I can be very happy now, but smthing will happen to change everything.
I spent my whole day in the hospital ytd. God bless me I hope I didnt catch the virus cuz I do feel my heart pumping very fast & headache. hai. Lung infection soon? No way! We had a gd time as a family. My brother was jumping up & down. Btw, the nurses there are very young & PRETTY! haha! Ok anyway, they looked at me & say "so young". Ya right. I said:"I'm his sister, not mother". They answered me:"Oh. sorry! Then my mum kept laughing. Ya right lah". So I came home to settle all the household stuff so that when my mum comes back later, she could really rest. I was only settled down think midnight then I dosed off while reading some things. When I got up, its already 8am. Shi*. My piano teacher say she changed to this morning 8am instead of tml afternoon so well...I told her I will be late like nobody's business. Somehow it seemed like I went there just to pay fees. haha! Anyway, it was very shi***. It rained as I went down. Despite having an umbrella, I was almost drenched. I was shivering lah & then my piano teacher wants me to play all 3 exam pieces in one go. Die. My bones aches like hell. Sometimes I reall won't know how it feels w/o it until it isn't with me. So she say I didnt play well today no expression, dynamic or tone. Ya, I was like playing the notes for the sake of some sound not music quality. hai.She looked at me...u looked...then she said:You look like u dont look anything. There wasnt any expression at all". What can u see from there? I don't know.
I don't know if my difficulty in breathing is due to upcoming virus or all the burden that is inside and yet I'm controlling it.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pXJkQOKDSjg&feature=related
My favourite song, not because its a song from Bull fighting but its the wordings, its the music, its the singer & person. A card full of wishes and grace addressed to ur heart, are u able to receive it? Days I missed are over and done with. Ytd was far away from me, n tml will be a long way to go for me. How r u? Maybe u should forget all abt me in ur life, & move towards the direction in ur life whereby u find happiness & joy. Wahaha! I sound poetric!
It was raining heavily just now but I manage to walk against the cold home. Am I getting use back to the times of being alone without anyone there? Am I getting back to days where I must be total self reliance & independent? Why allow me to rely on u & leave the mess to myself.
Kaijun, thanks for ur understanding. I will get u ur river island shawl for 25 July 2008. 22 yrs old le...haha!
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
virus
8:38 AMHey to all my dear(s)... Please take gd care of urself. There is a strong flu virus going ard as reported the newspaper. Keep ur body as fluid as possible. Have enough rest.My brother was admitted to the hospital ytd for lung infection. He was sick fo few days already but ytd his temperature went up to 39.7. It was so worrying. He was ver active ytd but his face look so pale and green. haiz. I wasn't really at the right condition too. First day of the mth hurts alot. So as usual, I had bad headache and body aching but I don't really care abt myself until I got hom near evening. I slept but still felt so shag n tired.Ytd 10pm at channel U was the last episode for Healing hands. It was not a v sweet ending as not not all couples got together happily but then that shows the reality in life. Let's say Chris & Anson. Finally Chris has an answer to Anson on why his stand will shake when the nurse clings on him. Anson has always been an independent and kind of workholic well because she is the head of a department! haha. So well..Chris realised that no matter whoever tempt him in the future, his stand wouldn't change because he realised his heart has made it clear that Anson is all he wants. She is the one. It will not change. Next couple, Sarah & Henry. They ended their r/s by celebrating his birthday before she goes to Singapore resume a position offered to her. Well.. Henry was reluctant to let go. Same for Sarah. In fact she was crying but then she knows she isn't what he needs or rather his heart have not settled down to love her for the reason of loving her and not the responsibility of looking after her for her cancer. I admire Sarah alot. It takes alot of courage to let go & put down someone who gave u real memories and that u really love.Dad bought mum a new phone. 3.2 Megapixel. So She was showin off in the hospital. Anyway, she tried to sound me out but I only told her the phone I like has a very gd camera. Haha! She asked the sales man n mum say maybe this sun will bring me there to get my N95. Let's see how. Somehow it seems like how I develop feelings for that someone. I don't go into deeper r/s with someone until I know that's the one. So most of my frenz ard me are of very surface frenship only a few that I will put in my heart & soul. Likewise, I wouldn't change my phone unless I see something that really attracts me alot & that I only know I want that only. I would rather not change if u simply want me to just take whatever is offered. It's what I want & what really holds me that matters.
Monday, June 09, 2008
You never know what lies ahead in life
9:15 AMYou never know what lies ahead in life. The more u ask for something, the more it wouldn't be given to u. I recalled what my uncle said once:"Gal, Jesus will only give u what u can handle and take. He won't give u something w/o a reason to it". Yes, that's right. Everything happens for a reason. When I needed someone to care & rely on, he sent an angel to protect me but when things are getting better he takes back whatever it is. Just like my mum. The only diff is that she lost money, but gain a somebody. Me? Near opposite. Nevertheless, there r many angels holding on to me. I went for bible study ytd with Joshua, conducted by Auntie Susan. Whoa. Auntie Susan paired me up with Clare. wahahaha! Bet we will be laughing & joking for all our meetings then. haha! Recalling last yr's RCIA baptism rehersals, Clare & I was more of the standby "actress" so when we were not needed, we will be there joking right infront of father! haha! Lucky he didn't complain to my mum. wahahaha!
Ytd as I stepped into the church, I was filled shameful-ness but I guess father did ensure me of my faith. Ytd's reading was abt Jesus calling us not for sacrifices, but those who have sin. Yeah, I have sin alot all these while esp neglecting alot of things for what is new coming to me. Nevertheless, what is more important to Jesus is that we stick to the code and not give up half way through. Yes, I will not & I will be more determined to make things right.
Jesus gave me a sign n responded to a long hope ans all these while. He showed himself to me telling to be strong no matter what. No matter how tired I am in the inside, life has to go on. Besides, I never know what lies ahead in my life. I shouldn't give up and get distracted now. If it comes, it will come. It if doesn't, then it won't since the beginning. Seems like I only think of this when things don't turn out positively? No, it's not that. In fact, I thank for whatever that has happened all these while. Most importantly, emotions struggles with my mum. At least I am more aware of my mum's thoughts and her character. It's more of a conflict management and maintaining a r/s.
My gf likes a guy all these while but the prob with this guy is that he is unstable. When he is happy or meets setback out there in his life, he will come back to my gf but when he is contented in his life, my gf seemed out of his life and mind. So now that the guy shows that he is interested in her, she is confused to really accept him. wahaha! What's my take? I will tell my gf how pretty & capable she is, do not need to stop her life from moving in another direction. Rmb love is a feeling, but getting into a r/s is a different thing. Is ur heart firm and clear enough from what u really want and need? It is very important how a r/s begins as it builds the platform or foundation of a r/s. Enjoy life (may it be ups & downs in life), just be urself.
Sunday, June 08, 2008
Cool
9:58 AMWhoa! Ytd was a great nite. It was my mum & dad's 5th wedding anniversary. We went Orchird Country Club for Chang Mai buffet. Guess what? There was 4 couples getting married at the country club too but I guess the one in the main lobby has the most glam wedding lah. Very exp place leh & guess what's the bride's name? MELODY! haha! Not me......................... Well Well Well...My mum held her wedding lunch service at the club too but we were at the chi rest. haha! I guess that's gd enough u know cuz what really matters is the love within the two couple. God knows what my mum needs. My mum earns more than $5k including tuition in my growing up yrs cuz he knows my mum needs the $ to raise me up & pay off our house mortgage but 10 yrs down the road as soon as she completed paying her mortgage and I was slightly more sensible, god arranged her to meet dad & her pay dropped by '000 cuz. Lesser tuition students. Instead of $, she found love, protection and care from dad. So I told mum, earning how much doesn't matter right? Cuz having someone sharing ur happiness & sadness in life is what that is more precious right? We also talked abt my brother being very bossy ard. I told my mum we got the genes all from her, including myself but I'm controlling. I don't want to be a leader who gives order which LL can see I'm making some improvements. wahahaha! Then she shot back at me...If I wasn't who I am, u won't be here today. If I wasn't aggressive & strong, u won't have what u have either. Haiz. That's true I guess. In my family's blood, we have to be the independent, sensible & strong species. haha!
In the working environment, I can be the strong person. I'm trust by people to be guided and shown the way but in my life I want to be led, protected and cared for. Take for example, so what my auntie earns so much more than my uncle but in her personal life its not hard to notice she is led by my uncle and its so sweet. LL once said will u become a small woman infront of someone u love? I say yes, but there's one situation whereby u will see my stronger side...When a third party appears. My only r/s i had ended with someone coming in between n he doesn't admit. R/s and marriage ard me are also failing because of third party. So tell me how strong can it be? Love is one thing but r/s and marriage is soooo different. I always know the ans & that's the reason why no matter how crazy I am for someone, I wouldn't say i love u personally to him. It takes lots of courage to be in one & till today unless the other party has the courage and confidence too. Aiya, wait till god's call lah. He knows who is best for me. Wahaha!
Anyway, we went to the lounge and trust me I realised philippine ladies could really sing very well! There's live band by three philippine ladies. Omg! I was so attracted to the lady in the middle. She was the smallest in size and...... She's hot!!! haha! She sings v well too! Not many can sing "I will always love u" but she pulled off the song very well. I dedicated "Killing me softly.." and she sang it very well too. omg! haha! U know they can control their diaphram very well. haha! It's a pleasure seeing n listening to her sing. She is so outstanding. Her moves, her expressions & how she shake. wahahaha! Sexy! haha. Sound alittle wrong coming from me but omg! haha. Anyway, mum say not a very gd sign cuz my face didnt turn red after drinking so much but it will turn red when I drink wine leh. Weird.
Anyway, if im really not healthy or if something really happens to my bones, I will face it alone with Jesus. Of cuz my parents will be there but that's abt it. Just like the channel U show, I wouldn't want others to worry for me esp whom I love. So what I'm 19, maybe I will be gone before I'm 21 or maybe i may be bed-ridden. Anyway, I knew the high risk since the very day I sign for the operation yet I couldn't refuse it cuz if I don't sign, condition would be worst.
I would only be in your way. So I wish you joy, happiness and love u desire. All the best.
Friday, June 06, 2008
Party time
11:09 PMI wonder if I should start with the happy or sad moments? haha! I shall reflect on the happy part then!
First thing in the morning had cfas paper then while waiting for teacher to mark, edgar was asking me going for date ar? HAHA! I told him ya! Going Museum like what u said lor. He laughed sure anot? haha! Then he say im so different cuz fun trail I didnt put on make up n all that but today I present myself differently. haha! What u expect lah...Fun trail need to put on make up meh? For u meh? wahahaha. Anyway, I did it for my dear lah. She wants me to dress up mah.. So I try lor. haha.
So we went Ajisen for lunch & then proceeded to partyworld. Went through many many memories and feelings. Somehow I think my life is so linked with music. Without music I might not go on. That's why I'm called...MELODY! haha. We had a great time & she really gave in many ways to me because she knows I need it today. I need to be the weak one. To be the one led by her, protected by her and cheered by her. I'm glad she's there for me n I'm glad she does tell me anything which she might not feel as comfortable with my doings. At least I hear ppl's opinions u see. I don't want to carry on living in the fish tank alone.
I went pasar malam with my family after I got back hm (Veron has to work OT, programme cancelled). Mum was very sensitive to whatever I say. I guess somehow I saw myself in her. I m very sensitive with whatever she says to me too. haha! Anyway, she was buying some cartoon char pyjamas for nick then I told her I want princess one! So she say ok ar...I find for ur size n u wear it tonight. wahahaha! Then I say I want little mermaid, not slping beauty. So she say ok, I go n find. Whoa!!! I looked into her eyes and said. What I want is to be the little mermaid n not wearing little mermaid. I want to be the little mermaid swimming freely in the water. No worries abt everything in life & yes may be curious what is going on up on the surface of the water but her habitual is still beneath the water.
Sad stuff? It's a norm that when a student only gets 8/20 for test MIGHT try not to go home to prevent from scolding. However it is not a norm whereby a student is running away from home because she can't get full makrs for her test. I didn't know why I got those 2 qns wrong. Seriously I don't know why. I guess I misunderstood the concept totally. Anyway, what she replied me was "Since u said it was easy, then why not full marks?" I was breathing so hard with anger atm n i msg auntie. Auntie said:"Well done. She is joking (like real). U r doing so well for urself, ur own career in e future. Cont to work 2wards ur goal. I'm proud of u". Why must it be I getting affirmation from her instead of u? Yes, I was disappointed with myself maybe say 1%? haha! To me, it was still relatively quite gd though ppl who doesnt study got full marks. Why? Because I have put in more than 100% of my effort preparing for CFAS n i have no regrets but why is it never satifiying? If I wasnt in e 10% of the cohord last sem will u demand so high? U always tell outsiders that "as long as she tries her best, its enough". So have u seen my effort? Have u seen me crying at 1am on wed night n forcing myself to get over n done with all my revision? U didn't. What u saw was the result part n u NEVER ask why was it that I got 2 qns wrong. Anyway, I called my dad n the first thing was he affirmed me but laughed upon hearing mum's stuff. Aiya, heck. I tried pacifying her just now. After a long day, I still have to pacify her. Worst than being a r/s. At least in one, I can be totally reliance n taken care of. LL wanted me to tell u she did worst and I said since young she taught me to only compare within urself. Ur own capabilities & not others.
http://youtube.com/watch?v=Ai6Hwbq9JbM&feature=related
This song was the ending song of my fav local drama; The peak. Acted by Jeneatte Aw. I quite like her. Nice song.這場愛不會開花 我情愫卻割捨不下 明知你愛的是他 卻還是學不會擺脫這掙扎 想聽的話你說給了她 我的快樂從此蒸發如果痛是愛的代價 那傷心顏色該怎麼畫 想聽的話得不到回答 我卻還在獨自裝傻 雨打濕我的臉頰 好讓你看不見 我眼角的變化
This song together with the HK drama just now... I will make decision if u can't.
Thursday, June 05, 2008
Nice cooling day
9:54 PMIt is a nice cooling day today. I woke up at 8am and started with my revision. By 2pm, I was at my last chapt already. Hopefully I really know my work and won't get panick again tml. Anyway, slept for 2 hrs! Whoa! Nice one. haha! Woke up twice in between but still nice rest. haha! Went to play my piano before I left to meet parents for dinner. Joshua called and we had a gd chat. He was laughing & laughing at me lah. Hmm...Bad policeman. haha!
Something is happening between the loving couple at hm. Asked mum and she said she only said something n dad shoot (snapped) her so she kept quiet lor but u know what I saw was like she throwing her temper on dad. Sometimes its really funny... She can do that to anyone, esp me. Say things in a insulting way and people must definately take all that crap but when ppl treat her that same way she will pull long her face, and like she is the victim. Aiya, I'm her daughter so I have to stand by her no matter what. So I just went along and be their middleman for every single thing lor. When u guys are very loving...u guys kiss n all that infront of me. Seemed like I'm air but when u guys have a tiff, I'm like a middleman. haha!
Wednesday, June 04, 2008
Quote
11:36 PMQuoted from my dear liling's blog. Doing citation here so no infringement of copyright ya? Haha!
"What is more important to you the love you share, the memories you have or the lover? Give love a chance to swallow you up. Don't just think it will happen in a instant, it will suprise you before you know it, but it will be the most rewarding experience you will ever have".
She's superior over me when it comes to such stuffs. To me till date, it's all abt controlling, hiding, giving up and letting it go. I worry when I feel that love might swallow me up cuz I don't think it is a rewarding experience for me as yet. haha! She's right, what is more important? The chemistry feelings, memories of campanionship or the person? It's really not about being with that person thought ppl do dream to be who they love from time to time huh. haha. There's a song by S.H.E saying that what is most heart torturing is not bidding gdbye to that person but the touching memories two parties once shared. wahahaha! Don't ask me go find a bf. That's not what I meant and also it will feel double hurting if that comes from u once again. It's just random thoughts from what my dear gal said.
Today, I scalded my fingers as I was cleaning the stove. Somehow I felt something bad will happen. True enough I realised I made a fatal mistake for my TR paper. Well, its over! CFAS revision is still pending so well...Let me concentrate on that than feeling sad over a spilled milk. Anyway, I felt alittle satisfied even though I scalded my fingers cuz the stove was sparkling lah!!! haha! I did a thorough cleaning today cuz well...my auntie told me she wanted to bring my couz out so tuition cancelled. I have more time to clean!!! haha! Wonder y both wrist are hurting now. My mum say Im like granny putting the medical plaster on both hands so I took off one side lah. haha. My main worry is still my spine..
Sometimes I'm really suprised with my patience I have with my mum. I guess prayers helps alot. I pray to jesus almost everyday hoping that I would be able to control myself infront of her. Today the first thing she said to me was "Why are u here? Aren't u VERY BZ?". Whoa! Emphasized on VERY BZ. Insulting!!! haha! I looked at my dad n my dad looked at me at the same time. He was supportive of me. He helped me. He said it was him who asked me to join them for dinner so I went along with his car to fetch her from work but she still keep saying thought u very bz like wasting ur precious time? Then I shoot her with "Ya, I m very bz how? Why can't I be here? Dont have to be so sarcastic". Then she say I'm not sarcastic, but hardly u r FREE to fetch me from work. Suprised to see u mah. haha! Wow u see. My mum just have different way of expressing her SUPRISE n TOUCHED feelings huh? I bet my dad understands n pity me. He gives me the supportive expression that motivates me to make my stand.
I didn't know she teased him too. I didnt know he asked her to shut up. I didnt know alot of things and now I dont wish to know. Maybe it shouldnt have started? Was it my fault? I don't know and don't wish to know. In my work, I cannot afford to have I DONT KNOW but then in life sometimes I really rather wish to not know.