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Liling
Nicole
Kaijun
Marlin

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10:31 PM

Wednesday, July 30, 2008

10:24 PM

Monday, July 28, 2008

11:40 PM

7:22 PM

I'm currently "giving tuition". haha! Mum placed sooo many lessons for maths that I can afford to set 2 test paper for him to do while I do my own stuff. Mum say de lor...Well seriously i think she is pushing her time slot for languages to me cuz she only give 1 day (2 hrs) for 2 languages and I give 4 days maths each 2 hrs. siao. haha! Nvm...countless test paper drilling. hehe.

Hmm. Ytd went to watch Batman with family. Nice show but abit too long. Was rather tired. Hmm or maybe because I was doing work n stuff the whole day that I felt so drained by the end of ther movie but don't know why when I got back hm, I simply can't slp. Anyway, it was alittle sad that Rachel died. Batman said: "Batman has no woman". haha! Yeah, he doesn't have one but she lives in his heart already. I guess that matters more than having someone by ur side. Of cuz its important to have the presence of that person but I guess what matters more is how u truly feel in ur heart. So I guess batman was also heartbroken. haiz. Shoot the joker. haha!

Mum was saying that we children tend to take parents for granted just like how nicky bully parents and take aunties as gold. haha! I unknowingly agreed to her logic cuz it reminded me of thur when mum told me she felt as though she has caught a cold n how did I replied her? I immediately opened up my drawer and took out my vitamin C. haha. She say aiya too late for this lah. I said: "haha. Not for u. It's for me to fight against ur germs". haha! That she laughed, tickle me n left. haha!!! On the other hand, when someone else seemed to be falling sick, I showed great care and concern. wahaha! It's so different or maybe I won't show the gentle side to my mum unless necessary. haha!

Having irregular meals to the extend that I felt so drained, tired and gastric pain!!! Well...It's gonna be over soon. I guess things are more in control after wed. hehe. I will gradually start my revision and at the same time have some fun and time with ppl I want to be with.

Ytd night we were talking about happiness and smiles of gals which u might like and I told u there's a difference between a gal being happy and smiling because of u and one who is naturally happy. Well. I guess it's how we people see it. You might simply like someone who is happy; sunshine but in another angle what abt someone whose life is happier and that her smiles meant alot more because of u? You asked so did you make someone's life happier? I didn't know who you are directing that question too but if it's me then...Yes, u did dear. My life is happier and there's always smiles when it comes to u. Even when things in my life comes crashing down from time to time, the fact that I know you are there to support and cheer me up, gives me the drive I need to go on working hard and bring the best out of me. I thank god for having you in my life too. I too do not know what will happen in the future but I know since he has planned all these he will also show me the way how it shld be. As for now...everything is nice and fine for me too. Thanks dear Thanks Suicide Partner!

Sunday, July 27, 2008

7:57 AM

Gd morning. It's 8am now! haha. Parents are not awake for church yet. Wonder what have they done last night to cause them so tired. hehe. The works of beer for them. haha! I was rather tipsy last night after red wines. Before we left furama, I told mum I want to go toliet and I went alone. On the way, I think I couldn't walk a straight line. haha! Not that I drank too much but I think I drank too fast. I didn't really realise the warning sign until my head was spinning. Also, initially I was so quite not participating with teacher's talk. I was studying my mfs but don't know when I was laughing and interacting with them...chucking away my notes. haha! OH YES!!! KAIJUN WAS SOOOO PRETTY YTD!!! hehe. If I'm just a guest of the hotel, I would think u are the one getting married. hehe! Don't forget to invite ur "OLD" childhood fren to ur wedding ok!!! Rmb to send me the pic we took! Gonna let my dear see how pretty u are. hehe.

Ytd was one fun day with LL at my hse since morning. I was waiting for my beancurd breakfast from her that I think I almost died from hunger. This gal went to cut her dog's nails! haha. Anyway, i'm glad most of the stuff are more or less done. Meeting grp members on mon to complete the last few items and yeah..we should be ready for wed's presentation/submission.

LL...come my hse more often!!! It feels so gd to have u beside me. U also know my family take u as one family too and u urself feel at hm here yeah? hehe. May it be studying or playing or whatever, all I want is u with me. hehe. Ur presence matters more than any other stuff. You assure me...You remind me of who and what I am... Most importantly, u scold me for my benefits. U are right my mum will kill and marinate me alive and I know u would very much to do it for her now. haha. Well...Thanks dear for ur endurance. U are always on my mind too!

Ytd's wedding dinner was similar to uncle's. It reminded me of the two wedding dinner by my uncle which I have participated. It's such a mock. Same style with sword barriers but different woman BUT i must say he is v fortunate to have auntie now. Someone so forgiving and enduring to all his ACTS. I really hope they are happy and loving now. Most importantly, I hope Auntie is coping well. She knows Im one she can pour too and Im most willing to do anything for this couple cuz they matters alot to me. One has always been the father's role in my life before step dad, another has always been the ensuring and affirmative role in my academic.

The difference in the wedding was that uncle had to pass thru 5 stages whereas ytd's was only 2. Nevertheless, sweet enough! haha! I was so touched. I finally see kor kor as the grown up and matured man. He is married!!! haha! My impression of him still stays at the one who was out of love staying in my hse singing that "love song". haha. Still Im so happy for him. It was very touching ytd esp seeing all the photos they took privately and wedding photos.

It is god's plan to arrange one to love another...To devote one's heart and willingness of the heart and mind to do smthing for the other. There is no signs of calculative nature but a pure and trueful heart. Ytd was a gd example. Uncle & auntie had to pass thru 5 sword barrier by his army buddies n I felt that they are really going thru alot hand in hand. Yes, auntie once wanted to give up but its her faith in god and MY support tt kept her going. haha. Likewise, I entrust ppl I love to god apart from ensuring that it is his plans and not my wants.

I heard this song last night. I like this song since sec sch and was reminded of it...Love.



You are more than a shadow, that's what I believe.

Friday, July 25, 2008

9:32 PM

Another week is over... The pace has slowed down somehow but that also meant that study week is arriving and I won't be in sch most of the days. That would also mean not seeing frenz as often as the past. I guess any time now would be the last time you will c a certain person cuz after this everyone will move on in their new life. I guess that is very very true esp for those who are going for attachment. Well..I personally am not willing to bid gdbye to many but still whatever will be, will be. Nevertheless I'm glad god is showing me his great plans.

Tuesday's RCIA was talking about letting go whatever you are holding on and have faith in god. A story was narrated to us. It was abt this guy who was trapped in the forest in the night and was about to fall off the edge when he caught hold of a tree branch. He heard a voice coming from above: "Have faith in me do you? Let go ur hands". He didn't because he might fall to death. The next morning, he realised he was only max 2 meters away from the ground. So well...We people like to hold on loads of principles, values and emotions but in fact all these holding on may actually hinder or obstruct god from working out his great plans for us. haha. Seemed funny. I was holding on tight hoping for an answer and outcome but the fact that I have let go and follow the call, I felt so much happier. My sacrifice and all are not as restricted as before. I have learnt to think of others more of myself. Yes, dear will scold me but u know...If doing smthing for u will make me happy then why not? Aren't u happy to do things for me? If not u won't go back to milestone to get that pair of ear rings for my birthday gift right? I mean that's the happiness I am refering. Hehe. We love one another lah. I know :)

I kind of neglected Helena today which made me feel so bad the whole day after IV lecture. My mind was filled with cfas stuffs and what should be discussed and completed within that 1 hr mtg. I have forgotten that Helena has 2 hrs break and would wish so much to have lunch with LL and me and when she approached me just before we left LT...I was so bz that I overlook all these. I'm so sorry!!! Well..After PLB tutorial, I msged her to apologise and yeah showed my concern for her regarding her own cfas group. She is badly affected by them cuz they were talking behind her back still. Well. I told her you will be happier only when you learn to let go and break away from them. It's their mouth, you can't stop them but you can refrain urself from being shaken and affected by them. Do you not think people dislike and talk bad abt me too? I mean yeah I can't help that. Not everyone will see the best in you and compromise ur flaws...So learn to embrace those that are dear to us and PRAY for those who r against us.

CFAS mtg went well. Made use of every single min. Of cuz Im glad dear made a gd secetary eh? hehe. Both of them were nice too. It was so assuring and motivating to see her cheerful and happy side today. I'm glad. It is definately worth skipping my own lunch to complete the essential discussion and clear the air between members. haha!!!

It's kj's bro wedding dinner tml. Gonna wear that brown dress I bought but mum paid. haha! Hmm. Must look glam tml. I will do it on my own unlike my mum lah...Don't know why so excited like its me who is getting married. She made appt for eye brow and hairdo. Gosh! Rich..but most importantly too free! I will be bringing my MFS stuff to memorise during the dinner lor. As u know lah...Sure have to wait wait wait de!

Completed all assignments for IS...EPM Teacher commented that he always like my grp's presentation all these while and after we finished our presentation, he said: "Good work". This is smthing which I think I didn't hear for the other grps. eh hehe. DEAR, helena and my hard work paid off! Thanks gals!

Meeting chong after PLB lecture on mon to review my IV proj. Haiz. God bless me. I really put in my best and alot of effort. Oh well. As long as I have put in my best shot, I shoulnd't regret.

Finally kind of compromised a date to watch the two movies together. hehe. Have u watch two movies in the same day? It's can be quite fun actually. Previously I did that with kaijun when our mums were having company dinner. haha! Both of us were so crazy lah... Anyway, I guess its not really me telling u my dates ba...U seemed more bz lor...ESP seeing ur schedule in ur blog. haha!!!

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

10:09 PM

In life you will realize that there is a purpose for every person you meet... Some are there to test you, some will use you, some will teach you, and some will bring out the best in you. Some may cause pain but you'll learn to move on... So let go of the people who can't treat you right & hold on to those who love you and see your worth.

The above was sent by god bro, Joshua this afternoon while I was zzz. haha! I know he is trying to tell me smthing cuz well he ended the msg by "Sis, u got it?". haha! Silly boy. I know of cuz I know but sometimes when u think too much, the worst u would feel so aiya..Don't think too much let feelings flow...Let the music in me flow! wahahaha!!!

Yes, I have met someone who taught me a lot of myself and brought out the best in me. Dear say she realised the gentle side of me on mon. haha!!! Anyway, who doesn't inflict pain on someone else? Everyone do from time to time. Dear LL did that to me too but its because of what happened that made us cherish each other more now. True enough we should let go people who can't treat us right and hold on to who see my worth so yes, Im fine, im happy, Im loved.

I feel slightly better today cuz well I guess I was too bz to comfort people to actually think of my own troubles, problems and hurts. haha!!! My poor gal Helena was outnumbered by her group members for one of the projs. She cried while talking to me & LL during lunch time. I was eating my noodle when her eyes turned red. Wah. That liling still say: "Aiyo...U cry ar?". Still need me to ask her can u go over n comfort her? haha!!! LILING...AUTO ABIT!!! haha. My heart sank when she cried. omg...haiz. She's really a nice gal and also a very cooperative and hardworking grp member. I feel so sad bcuz her work and effort weren't recognised. haiz. I also felt angry over why those gals treated her that way. Well..Those people who were under my leading for ECD too. I had a bad time with them too. I was also backstabbed by them during ITP. welll..Why are they always bullying people who can do work? For me, they couldn't touch me cuz im so much tougher and stronger than them. So even though they are unhappy with me, they can only express it behind my back but Helena...they actually do it so upfront and like ordering or screaming at her. haiz. What kind of leadership is this? My poor gal. All the more I want her to be with me n liling..to protect her and let her know she is wanted and like by us. haha. Protect her...What abt me? Who will protect me? hehe. I know who...dear!

I'm glad that I was there for whom I love and care. I'm relieved both are feeling better.

Hmm. Just came back from cwp. Had dinner at Soup Restaurant with my parents. Mum got her bonus like I said ytd. So ya..I told her Im free today n made reservation according to her wishes. It was a wonderful, fulfilling and VERY FAT dinner but nutritious cuz we had ginseng soup in that dinner set. hehe.

Happy family huh? Yes it is when I'm not negative. When I am, I feel that everything is crashing down. I really have to learn to accomodate the fact that she is ageing and her temper is getting from bad to worst.

A song from Step Up. I like the lyrics. The shots of the movie was inserted appropriately too. Nice.

12:30 AM

I have just completed my last assignment for WISP; Individual Reflection and that wraps up this module. It made me realised lots of stuff around me and how fortunate I m now. Well I know I shan't complain but I just can't help it. I'm going crazy now. I feel the heat in me. The anger the frustration and the unhappiness that I have been bottling up the whole day.

I was late for TR today. I was at the bus stop at 8.35am but it was sooo crowded that I waited till 9.05 am before I boarded the bus. Well... Guess what was the first thing she said to me when I opened the door: "Present" with her fingers pointing at me. Hello! I was still at the door way ok! Alright, my group or rather J's group is in charge for Q1 tutorial 10 and last Q for tutorial 11. I have sent my answers last night so she had all answers consolidated in 1 file already but I was late and everyone was waiting for me to present?! Wth! Didn't u put as J's group and not M's group? Then why can't u ask her present instead of me? I mean u know its my ans right? but since u put her name then why can't u ask her present? or someone else in the who ever group? Jeffrey was nice to say: "Melody take ur time cool down and present" but I guess he can't take the quiteness of the whole class waiting for me so he ask again: "Melody are u ready to present?" Wah!!! my anger was already spuring out but somehow I controlled it. I cover all the work for everyone already but can't u just kindly go up n read out whatever is written there instead of waiting for me and give me that face cuz I delayed ur PRECIOUS TIME. Do u mean I can't be late?! bullshit! Really whatever. Tutorials and lectures are ending. The next time I see u will be for exam n I guess I wouldn't really care what u think n say abt me then.

Mum got her bonus today and wanted to go for a gd dinner. Asked me to join them but I told her I have church lesson then i think she wants me to be late cuz anyway I need to have dinner but she forgot smthing abt me. Her daughter must complete work for others or herself even if that means to skip her meals. Im of least important. I have promised them to control the computer n I will do it. So I know she was not happy that Im not going for the BIG dinner she was refering to but ended up forcing me to meet her at the coffee shop opp the church to make sure I eat. haiz. So I eat a few spoons n rushed off to church. During break time, I had this bad gastric despite eating. Whatever. I can't be bothered. Die then die.

Whatever will be, will be. If I would to die tml, so be it. If my heart would to explode, so be it.

Sometimes please stop reminding me of my responsibilities and work. I just want to be myself for a moment. Don't force me to my ends whereby I want to end everything including myself. You don't know how much I want to get over with it. U don't know how much I dont wish to go for the coming exams. U dont know how much Im so tired of myself, work n u.

Monday, July 21, 2008

4:50 PM

I'm over and done with for my piano exam. What's my feelings now? Well..I'm actually uncertain. haha! Honestly I felt nervous and seemed small infront of the examiner. haha! I wasn't the confident me like I am in sch's presentation or so. It's just different. Maybe in sch work, it is more structured as in the weakness are not so outstanding as compared to music. U know means u know, but u don't, u really don't. Anyway, master pieces should be just fine. Technical skill accidentally hit on a wrong key but I didnt stop so he will give me marks for being fluent. haha. Aiya..Aural? I think its classical period and its 2 beat! but I think its 4 beat now. Aiya...Sian!!! Not gonna think abt it after today or at least I hope I dont think abt it.

So ya met with dear at Westmall. Wanted to eat subway again de leh but think aiya that gal say wanna eat sakae. haha! Then take it as celebration lor. The end of my hard work. haha! So well.. We ate there and ya..She was saying the dress was too loose also. Ya lor, mum bought it when I was sec 3 so can u imagine..I lost alot of weight since then due to operation. Anyway, was very unsure if I should buy new clothes to change immediately but then I did anyway cuz I thought abt the insults I might receive from that bunch of gals. Oh ya!!! That sales auntie made my day!!! She was telling me & dear...Wah..."u have a gd fig leh..hour glass leh..stomach also flat de". I look at my reflection and thought huh...flat meh? got abit of fats leh...Hour glass? hmm? I don't know. haha! Don't care le lah. Who cares? yeah dear? At least I make u feel proud eh? haha!

During IV class... I guess less than half of the class turn up. Guess its due to PLB submission? haha! Well.. So Sherry didnt have most of the ans for presentation n lucky I saved all my ans into tumbdrive so well she almost used all my answers except the one which her grp did. haha! Well..Like that they also have smthing to SAY! Well.If I hadn't did anything, I guess everyone will be sitting till 4pm and not end at 3pm! When I ask qns, u give me that annoyed sound and actions, but hello do u ppl understand at all? U didnt even try it. The tut ans u are using belongs to someone else. Whatever. I don't care. I ask because I don't understand. If u think u are so smart as to know everything abt IV, then congrets to u but I want to learn so keep ur comments to urself.

So well after this thur's last lesson (which most likely will be teaching theory), I will have a 1 mth break to deal with my sch exam before I resume. Maybe I will start preparing for dec recital? haha! Too early? haha!!! Who want to go? hehe.

Till now she still thinks I wanted to cancel last fri's tuition for some people. She never understands. She was the one who confused up my whole schedule by squeezing all the tuition within these 2 weeks and then some days have maths, some days don't have and then I also don't understand why m I taking so many days for maths when his languages are the ones which need to be brushed? Aright anyway...I wanted to change last week's fri tuition because of myself. I thought I needed and deserved a break away from work but when things seemed smooth i suddenly saw there's maths on friday too. So now u say after exam go for short holiday n I only remind u..u will arrange tuition right? How u shoot me? "I already say can change for our own stuff and not for others". Hello! It's ur daughter who is going crazy not others! I'm so burned out in my own work, submissions and piano exam since 2 weeks I ago. I thought I can go out and catch a movie or whatsoever to make me feel better and recharged for the last few submissions and presentations before exam study week but u never understand. U say u do understand but u know how hard Im coping on now? Im constantly praying to give me the mental strength but haiz...Forget it..All u want is a responsible, organised, ever ready for ur order gal that will bring u proud. I know u told Auntie u are v proud of me. Yeah, of cuz...cuz I m meeting all ur demands n just one day when I just want to be myself n have time on my own, it displeased u so mich to that huge extend! Whatever.

Sunday, July 20, 2008

4:01 PM

I feel gd...lalalalala. haha!!! Just cleaned my room. Smells nice. Feels comfortable. But I smell like Detol. These days I have been washing the toliet with detol afew times a day. Dad ask the maid to spray with water everytime step grandfather is done with his business but u know...She really spray with water everytime and spray fragrance to cover the smell. Hello! It doesn't remove the root of the problem. The smell is still there after the fragrance is fused. So although I don't use the common toliet anymore but I still wash the toliet. Partially because the toliet is just beside my room. haha. Well I already told my mum my door will be closed most of the time already. I guess is to avoid myself from seeing THINGS I don't want to see too. I don't want to get sore eyes. haha!!! I don't blame that old man lah so I have to change myself to adapt to the environment right? haha!

Mum just brought to me a newspaper cutting in Today newspaper. It had nicholas and dad's back on it. The editor remarked: "Please educate your child. Customers were complaining the noise and tandrum this child was making. There's a difference between pampering and loving". What happened was nicholas was climbing up the lid of the benches at the foodcourt. haha. I think I wasn't with them but I guess someone took a pic with their hp. Well. I hope this is a wake up call for her. I told her countless times that they are pampering him unknowingly. It's not i feel the unfairness as compared to her strict & rigid teachings and control to me since young but nick is getting overboard. They are allowing nick to climb up their heads. She thinks Im too firm and strict to nick so I try to tone down but he is using the trick to me now. He knows by crying everything will be fine. Sorry I dont take this shit. You would only wait till u really cant take it and then leave him to cry when he throws tandrum. U know sometimes I feel that he is feeling lost too. He might be thinking why is my parents so different everytime. What do they exactly want?! Don't u think its too late to show ur temper and colours after pampering him? Well.. Up to u. It's ur son, not mine.

Saw my fren's nick... 32 days countdown to the last day in NP. I was shocked. Why would ppl be so eager to leave sch? I mean maybe u might not like to study but I don't see what might be the reason that someone would want to leave so much. Wanna leave? Quit sch lah. Crap. Yes, because I know the number of days I m left in NP, I would really wanna make the best out of these few days esp with the people ard me. Well..Andrea..At least I will still see her for the next 6 mths but maybe LL and some others might soon be the end. We might lose contact and eventually that person might be out of ur life unless u make an effort to catch up or contact.

People come and go in our life. That's life. Fri I saw a fren who supposed to be a very close god sister in the past in my sec yrs but well.. Someone who used sun zi bing fa strategies to play ard with me was her best fren and I guess she must have said alot of things abt me that made her gave me that killer look before she left the bus. haha. Least impact on me but I guess REAL BUDDIES AND BEST FRENZ have to be very STRONG and FIRM on their stand to stay long with me. LL u must have learnt to have those two qualities after Ian right? You left but u are back and I know u are doing ur best to keep this frenship growing strong. Thanks dear. I love u.

Andrea, it isn't that I don't trust u but do u know when I heard ur name coming from her and their glances to each other when I turn back...I was damn afraid of losing u. I thought that's the end. Are u strong enough to withstand what people would say abt me in the future? U know Im very true, upfront and honest to u right? Actually there's nth I held back from u. U know most of what LL know cuz both of u are 2 totally char ppl which would brooden my perspective in matters :) Let me know, cuz I need to know.

PPP...They were saying if u have a very gd fren, don't ever work together. Things will turn ugly...I hope Andrea & I would not be like that. Both of us have big dreams in our career and future, I would hope we would work hard and carry on motivating each other hand in hand.

Half way thru my PPT for EPM. Although its on thur but I know LL and Helena is very anxious is getting over n done with it. So yes, Im doing for them and maybe myself so that I can be less stressed and bz during the weekdays.

EPM=Effective People Management n for assignment 2 we are to read a chapter of a bk and present it. So well something striked me. " The mark of leadership stands for something great. It is a tremendous important for people to follow. He doesn't do the thinking for people. Poeple long to follow a leader who is a person of integrity, authenticity, and compassion. The leader will have the loyal following and trust of his people. Great leaders leave their mark by constantly communicating their values and sense of mission. You can't make your mark on the people you lead unless you get up close and personal. You can impress from afar, but to influence, to really leave your mark, you're going to have to do it personally.

The above were extracted from "The way of the shepherd". I have learn't alot from this short little chapter man. I kind of see myself as one of the shepherd. Yes I have the trust of all my followers but I think I have overdone it. Anyway, at least I don't do the thinking for them. I give them the opportunity to learn and decide for themselves. I would also get personal to them. I give them my all. My time, skills, knowledge and compassion but what have they gave me? Taking advantage of me I guess but it doesn't really matter either cuz deep down in me I know I have not done anything against my conscience. I will let go if I really have to because that's what a great leader is all abt.

Saturday, July 19, 2008

9:39 PM

It has been a slpy day for me. I woke up at 7.10 am n felt alittle rush cuz yeah I usually have to be up by 6.45am so that I could take my time with my breakfast. haha! So ya, I rushed it thru and had this bad gastric that caused my bp to drop damn low and I almost fainted AGAIN but lucky someone who was sitting left the mrt. hehe. So this GRANNY here could take a seat and I really slept till clementi.

Was alittle late for class but the teacher was nice and yeah Helena was in the same class as me too. So relieved to see someone firmilar. Anyway, Helena realised he is like talking to me instead of teaching the whole class. Haha. I guess its because I was trying to make an effort in staying awake by showing the willingness to listen and learn lah. So he was very motivated and encouraged by my affirmations and interest, unlike the others who was talking when he was talking. haha! He seemed to be waiting for only Helena and my ans. So the end when he gave us his email, Helena was saying gogogo woo. I say siao ar..Im a gal leh n for what sia..U so interested y dont u go instead...She say I already have one, but u dont mah. WAH!!! SIAN! Turn around the bush to insult me lah. haha! Please lor. U have what I don't, but I have what you don't. wahahaha! If u wanna compare, there will never be an ending.

Anyway, guess what I just woke up from a 4 hrs rest. I slept at 5pm, was insulted by mum: "That lady wants me to invite her for dinner ar?" So I storm out took a pinch of rice, grab some veg and went back to my own room to eat. So saddist feeling man. I cried while all my step relatives were laughing outside. I just dont feel comfortable at all. Their stare and my step relatives in total do sum up abt 20 people ok! Well..I only took 5 mins to finish it while crying. I tried putting my head backwards but it didn't work. It still flowed down. Well.. I went back to slp after that. cuz I really cant take what happened at 4pm when I came home. The unhappiness plus the physical tiredness, so well slept off all negative stuffs.

I don't care what you think or feel. U have to do fufill ur role as a sister in law and a dutiful wife. However, I have to fufill the requirements to pass my piano exam on mon. I'm gonna bring down anything that is going to hinder or block me. Furthermore, i couldn't really practice well either esp on the account that the children were shouting and adults were playing mahjong. Goodness. No peace! Not even in my house. I heard they will be coming every weekend. I guess that's doom. I will be campin outside to study for exam already. I really don't like that cuz I can get very tired when I study so its always gd to have my bed beside me.

Went Auntie's hse just now. They went marketing so I went gym cuz I dont want to face auntie's mum alone at hm as my grandparents have went M'sia. Well..Since young she always commented that Im ugly and my couz is v beautiful. haha! Not that im jealous, but why stay on with someone who have the possibility to bring u down again? Anyway, if she wants to compare, she is gonna regret cuz that beautiful gal she once claimed is...haiz. Shan't say further.

Oh ya, so gym...No speed today cuz I haven been running since I fell off the stairs and injured my ankle but I aim for stamina today. Constant running 2.4km. Felt gd after the run and had a sweet lunch with uncle & auntie at their hse. Both of them were saying they are very proud of me..May it be from my decisions in life, my way of handlng my life, my academic grades till my posting reults. However one thing Auntie was worried for me. I told her abt how E fooled me for WISP proj..and she said melody u must learn how to let go work to ppl n not shoulder everything then I say Auntie I did!!! I gave him full control, I only did parts that was assigned to me but he fooled me. Last min he withdrew and that was only when I took everything back to handle it on my own. Then Auntie said...u know y? thats because u are able to let someone trust u to the extend that they know they can fall back on u totally. They know if they dont do it, u will still cope well n do well. haiz. Shitty. What's what now.

Auntie say she will pass me some of her blouse and suit for my IAP. eh...Not pass but give. haha! Aiya, she is too rich lah. G2000 and Espirit is not her call already lah. It's ZARA era for her now. haha! True lah...Vice president must be even more presentable right? haha!

Is mental or physical prob more serious? I don't know. Maybe I shld really seek a physic.

The mummy is coming on 31 July.hehe!!!

Friday, July 18, 2008

10:34 PM

Do re mi fa so la ti do~Do ti la so fa me re do~ Ok, so last 2 days of peparation for my piano exam on mon. I would run thru my 3 master piece and skills afew rounds to build up my confidence. It's not really abt techinical prob refining already. It's the confidence level I have in myself. I know I can do it if I stay cool and focus. Push out everything out of my mind, focus, enjoy the music and the opportunity to perform. hehe. Next, I will memorise the book for aural questions. Well. Hope I can get the right musical period on monday. Not really gonna think abt it. I guess not necessary either. haha!!!

Guess what time did I slp? I didn't. I took at nap ard 3+ and crawl up at 6am to complete the summary, finalise the report and print out. I was ready for sch only at 8.30am n my lesson is at 9am. wahahaha! Lucky its MFS and Mrs Tay dotes on me. hehe. She say its fine and urge me to take my time. hehe. Im so comforted.

In addition, It was so ASSURING when I saw Li woen giving the tumb up gesture to the other grp members when she was looking at the report. haha! Oh yes, I have just received the pics my grp members promised to send me after they complete the visual aid. Wow...Alot of effort put in...Im so glad. Well..SO thats the difference to fren cum grp member? I don't know. Anyway, went to popular at bukit timah plaza right after IV with the 2 gals and left with LL for lunch at IMM after paying for the materials. haha!!! Guess what? I ATE SUBWAY! THAT'S WHAT LIFE IS ALL ABOUT! HAPPINESS!!! After a week of stressful and emotions up and down, I was so enriched and eh...Felt happiness finally. Although crystal jade n swensen was exactly oppo where I was sitting but I dont feel anything. SUBWAY is the best!!! hehe. Glad LL don't mind eating that with me. hehe. Love u!

Hmm..tuition from 6-9.30pm non stop. Sound crazy but it wasn't really cuz at the end of tuition, when I send both boys down to the MRT station, he was teased till face turn red! haha. Immediately after tuition, gf's msg came. haha. He was also "teaching" ppl maths when he needs to be tutored. Nice nice. He's happy. Well thats what puppy love is all abt secondary sch yeah? haha. It's like..its just abt mutual feelings n a r/s is formed. However, as ppl grow..matures, its not only abt feelings, it's abt the issues which ppl would consider. We would think if he is the right one, if we would have time for each other, if we would be accepted by the family members. Sooo many...To certain extend, I reali believe that god has planned out for us. Someone could see her life with her life partner and for me..I could see myself in another way in life. I wonder what is installed for me next?

I'm glad for everything that has happened in my life all these while esp improving things with my mum. Im so glad for it. Nevertheless, there's one thing Im still struggling n that's the tiredness physically and mentally that Im still trying to overcome now. Very shag to cont. Well well. I shall just hold on but hope my gastric prob doesn't get worst now. It's so consistent these few days. Guess due to the rush, stress and alot more. Well well...

It's very normal for us at this age to give up r/s for the goals and all at this pt in time. To a certain extend u might feel that u r doing for ur dad, but actually he is doing this for ur own gd. He doesn't want u to go thru things that u are going thru now. He's protecting u. Don't say u don't need to be protected. All parents would have the instinct to protect their children. I was thinking...Im also giving up everything for my mum so that I can meet her expectations and achieve what is installed for me but then is it really only for my mum. U know deep down what u want in life apart from that. It's normal to be shaken emotionally from time to time cuz we are human but don't give up. Smile.

Thanks for taking a liking in what I bought for u. U look great in it. You are not fat!!! Don't be crazy! You are just nice ok...haha! Have confidence in urself ok? U are the best! Don't take all these crap that is happening in ur life now so drastically. Just go ahead with ur goals in life. You can do it. Take care.

Thursday, July 17, 2008

4:22 PM

Previously in my blog, I did mention that in life we would usually be playing by the cards of others. We act upon how others react or move. In my life, I do play the cards of people. I will react and plan strategy to counteract and position myself positively but do you know something it's very sadding to that. Nevertheless, that's really a life lesson to us. That's life. We don't always get what we want or hope for. So in any case, we should embrace what is given and make the best out of it. I know you can do it, dear. You are cool and stable unlike me. I get gan cheong very easily and u know my gan cheong-ness caused them to suffer $6000+ OD rmb? So make full use of ur cool and steady char to make the best out of ur IAP. First aim an A cuz I know u can do it with ur great attitude and then look out for opportunities for urself. Take things slowly. You always tell me to let nature take its course right? Then what about u? Jia you! Dear, I'm always here for u. Though the future might be tough, but I'm always there for u. You know it that this isn't the first time we are encountering setbacks in life and we will hold on to each other no matter what. Yeah? Cheers...Love u!!!

Today as I was listening to my mp3, I heard something like "I need you, I want you". It occured to me...To what extend would we need and want someone? Need in what sense? Want in what sense? Do we really need someone to move on in life? We will tumble and fall when someone leaves his/her life? Let's not say abt practical stuff. Let's think abt emotions. Will we lose our sense of direction in life when we lose someone? Or rather leave someone? I once want to leave, but I can't. I promised myself to learn from hurts and not be tied down and I know its hard but still...well well. Previously, I lost my mind and heart when he left and I was scared to go into one again. But is this called needs? or wants? Was it because I want him yet lost him, that made me what I am? Or is it because I need him, n lost him thus causing me to lose myself? Of cuz, I picked up myself and grown stronger and wiser but u know somethings things doesn't always go the way it should be rationally.

Today I was reminded abt fate again. Ok, IAP with him at cs. It occured to me that Im not going to let him affect me. I will prove to myself this 6 mths that I m not afraid of him anymore n Im 100% confidence in myself even as I stand beside him or work with him. In the past, I felt nth and inferior, but these 2 sem which we are CLASSMATES has been prove to myself that Im overcoming the fear. However, not totally cuz to a certain extend I know his IQ is higher than mine. wahahhaha! Still...EQ is most import! So shooo u go!

Anyway...fate...The last time I was talking abt it was with my bio father. He was saying mum always believe in CHANGING FATE and not FATE. Yes, my mum is a respectable role model in this area. She said she will change fate and she did. She left him and drew a line clear against him. haha! I seemed inferior as compared to my mum then... I have always wanted to change fate. Why did things even started or happened? I don't know. Fate? Maybe but for the past mth I have always wanted to change my fate and I couldn't. I'm not as aggressive and rational as my mum. Or maybe he actually hurt mum too deeply for her to be emotional for even a slight bit. As for me, I do not need to change fate anymore cuz fate has changed for me. Im glad.

I was rather upset when I saw how mum planned the tuition this morning. She messed up my whole schedule and plans. AHHHHHH! I don't understand her way of doing things and anyway I dont want to understand too. Just follow. Well..She wouldn't understand how shag I am and tired of facing work work work. U know apart from physical tiredness, Im very drained mentally. I felt so sick when I see work. This isn't me! I have interest, passion and love in everything Im doing now but why m I so negative? Veron once said...do u know when u are tired, u become very negative in everything? Yes, I feel it now cuz I once felt that I should just leave some people's life. In fact many people's life. Just to tired to hang on in whatever Im doing. However, its the smiles and happiness I receive that may give me a slight push from now n then but its not persistent enough to keep me going. Oh well. Im just doing my work for the sake of doing.

OK, I DONT CARE MAN! Sat after PPP, I will go to Auntie's hse to return her the long sleeve blouse and WORK OUT! GYM! SWIMMING! Goodness me! I'm gonna let out all my emotions, tiredness and unhappiness! Yeah, SAT!!! Im not gonna go home. U said u understand my work load but do u really understand how much Im going crazy?

Gonna work hard this weekend again. Plenty of work to clear. Im so dead.

My friends told me maybe I should seek a physic.

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

5:42 PM

My gastric problem is coming back. Last night after I edited Ben's report, there was this sharp and perm pain. I couldn't stand and sitting down seemed worst of all. I wanted to do my cfas tutorial but went to rest instead. This morning...The pain was on and off and I was rather moody cuz of some sickening faces and comments I heard. Well..So I took some fruits with hopes that my stomach will be more settled and my mood will be better but well..It doesn't seemed that way. Sometimes I don't understand why... My report is thicker than urs because of appendix. Do you need to comment like: "Jia lat, why she do ur proj so thick like that sure 3000 words how?". You made him so worried and ask me if I did observe word count. Goodness. I wonder if u are CONCERN or SARCASTIC. When they were signing in the report, I saw ur expression. Goodness. How I wish I didn't see it!

During lecture...The pain was on & off and I was feeling so unwell that i didnt really know what he was saying for the graphs but Im glad Auntie did taught me abt that when she was teaching me FMS. haha. Oh ya...Jeffrey was so sweet...He heard that Im unwell bcuz of gastric prob when talking to liling so he gave me the papaya someone bought for him. Actually he ate one slice and gave me the other. OMG. He ate it from that plastic bag also leh. I say teacher ur saliva leh...haha! Then when I didnt eat he say why really scared dont dare to eat ar..haha! No lah. Want to eat lunch first what. haha. Well..He is damn nice.

Of cuz..Someone was sweeter. It was so comforting. haha. I guess I really look very unwell huh...Where is my hardcore front! Sian...

Mrs Choo called me just now. I was overjoyed by the outcome. Auntie said she has frenz there who could "look after" me. haha!!! Well..Mum wasnt very alright with that and actually I didnt tell her abt it until last night. Fortunately just now she said...As long as Im happy, then she's fine with it. I wanted to ask her...Is it really as long as Im happy, I can do anything? Well..In fact..Im a giver now because it feels happy that way. All I want is to be happy also well cuz it may really be an end soon. Recently Andrea kept repeating this: "It's now or never". So well I guess it really knocked some sense to me. It's now or never. My timezone will be different very soon.

Dear...Whether or not we can be together, we'll try to meet up ok? That would even mean I going to amk over the weekends to meet u to catch up. I guess we can only meet over the weekends yeah? haha! Unless we are arranged to be together then............ Yeah!!! We can be together for more time...hehe

Everyone is facing problem with cooperation problem among group members but I guess when u look back u will realise...They will be the one facing the music. They have not learn any single thing but you have learn so much! It's not being selfish here to do the whole report on ur own or to do most of the part for ur grp but u gave them so may lee way...You gave them so many chances but have they ever cherish it? If you have done ur best, then be cool with it. They will have to face what they have chose to do by not putting their own effort or attitude.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fAXgGWY6X5E

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

10:58 PM

Just got back from church. Enriched by the Holy spirit...but...I'm very shag and physical drained now. haha! I slept quite early last night; 2am and woke up at 8am to continue with my work. I completed the analysis at 3.30pm and started doing my executive summary and conclusion. Then I did the formatting until 6pm. Now...Im doing a last reading in my language before I print everything out. Haiz. Alot of admin stuff to do as I have alot of newspaper cuttings.

Yes, I feel very contented and satisfied that I have completed TR report. I...I...I... have completed TR report. It's ME. Its me who completed the report. Yes, everyone played a part in tracking headlines during the 6 weeks but when it comes to the actual report. Hello, its ME left. I will never rely on anyone in work I guess...Ya, someone do show that she is reliable. Andrea n yes of cuz DEAR LL! haha! In fact emotionally they are also someone I can truly rely totally. So know why I draw lines very clear with them? Cuz working partners are working partners. The fact that they know we are "frenz" everything goes crazy. They didnt even bother to show concern abt it. It's only when I msg them: "Report completed. Please come and check and complete peer evaluation" then everyone come popping up in my window.

Aiya, anyway...It's done! I'm very tired...but yes, its done!

Today's church lesson was abt a father whose son grab 50% of his assets and ran away. He wasn't angry of his son. He was in fact waiting for him to come back and true enough when his son came back, he prepared a big party for him. Well..bottomline was saying...no matter how much u give someone, if he comes backs then gd for u, but if he doesn't so be it. Likewise, there is no expectation of returns when you give someone with a whole heart. It's tough for me not to think that it's gonna be a repayment to me. I hope it really isn't. You do know I don't need repayments. I just hope you understand that.

Sometimes people can be very insensitive with words that they used. Or maybe its just the freedom people have in doing things but still its like...Have you thought of people's feelings? ahhh...NVM! It has nth got to do with me.

Saw pri sch teacher just now!!! She still rmb me! omg!!! How many yrs ago man!!! haha.

Never ending work load and where is the arms that will hold me firm..

Yes, thanks dear. You know I need that next mon. Love u lots.

Monday, July 14, 2008

5:25 PM

Happy Happy Happy!!! Today is a HAPPY DAY! haha!!!

I slept at 3am last night and woke up at 8am this morning to continue with my work and print notes for the week. My mum had to go dentist cuz she was complaining tooth ache but she was so scared. We left home together and she was expressing how scared she was. haha! So I accompanied her while waiting for my notes to be zapped. haha! After that things in sch was quite cool.

I'm happy because u are happy. Very fortunate yes? Good buddies celebrating for u yeah? Seeing how you enjoy urself...Im glad for u. I hope you enjoyed ur day today. Cake and big gift from ben yeah? He's really a very nice fren! haha! Well..I wish you all the best in ur future ok? Esp IAP. You have a bright future and so jia you!! Once again, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

During lesson though some things happened but I was glad yiying was there for me. Lucky I aske dher to bring laptop today if not doom. haha! 2Js was like care less lor. Like its my problem huh? aiya. Heck care.

After school...I saw Li woen at the bus stop and we took bus together. Believe it or not! Both of us are living in woodlands! The sem is ending and we just got to know that. haha. She image as those who live bukit timah area. Ya right. Im not rich. Well..then as we were walking to woodlands control station guess who grab me by my hand?! MDM YAM!!! My fav sec maths sch teacher. Our last meeting was few mths ago. We went out for SUBWAY and shopping. haha! She bought stuffs I didn't. haha! Nice. SO we stood there and chatted until I saw my mum's supervisor walking past us too. wahahaha! Met alot of ppl today. Im SOOOOOOO HAPPY to see mdm yam. She told other teachers that im her baby. haha Ya, cuz I was her first student since the first day she started as a teacher. I guided her and was her best maths rep. haha! I tidied her office table de hor...Always so messy like a battle field!!! haha!

Ok...serious matter...Auntie cancelled tuition to Elia cuz Elia told them she don't want to do homework...Oh well...Auntie was the one who want me to give her alot of hmwk but I control cuz I think she's still young. I want her to enjoy her childhood. Just like in the future, I want my child to enjoy her/his childhood cuz I don't really have a childhood. Well..Now that she has cancelled tuition...Well...I guess its god plan cuz god knows I really cant cope with so many things going on. Just nice for me to have more time to rest or do work esp when the sem is coming to an end. Thank god.

I guess somehow I'm very tired mentally. Usually when this happen, I will go out n enjoy then when I come back...Im all ready and set for the upcoming challenges. Well..Maybe I should really do that one of these days in this week before I go crazy with work! What should I do? I really don't know. Liling are u free to acc me? Can I date u? haha. Hope Simon is working so that u can acc me.

Why do I feel so happy when it isn't my day? wahahaha! I'm damn crazy but I don't mind cuz I'm not going to think rationally. I'm just going to enjoy my days and not regret. Although work are coming so hard on me but there's always a way for u to ease me out. Sometimes I really think how u feel? Do u feel irritated? I don't know. haha! I don't wanna know either. haha!

Just now at bus stop, I heard some gals say we are going to eat subway now...then my stomach groaned! Oh no! I miss subway again. wahahaha! Im addicted to it.

Just realised my piano exam is a week from now. Eh...God bless me? Dear if next mon no cfas lecture, can go paragon meet me? I don't know what I will be like after the exam.

Sunday, July 13, 2008

8:34 PM

Everything happens, happens for a reason. God has his own reasons in doing something. On our part we can control our emotions but when circumstances bring us back to the same square, we got to really think what is it that is bringing us back to the same square once again. I dislike thinking it this way but then how not should I not think it this way? I was reminded during bible study class today. They were talking about the 40 days trial period of christ and then god sent his guardian angels to Jesus. Frenz discussed that no matter in what dark moments we experience in life, God will always send his guardian angels to us. Haiz. I was reminded by it again. I don't want to think rationally. I don't want to have an answer nor ending. Just let it be please, melody. Why are u fighting? Fighting with urself? You know you don't need all these. Don't find troubles for urself. Well...Aren't you very happy to love and hopeful that the person is happy? That's all u want. You know there won't be an ending and deep down you know it and I guess because of this u are not going to throw away the rest of the time you are left with.

Just cherish what you have now and care less of what is not within your reach.

Everything starts from the heart. It's about us coming out from our comfort zone to do something with the risk of hurts and unhappiness. haha! Of cuz, there are times when u receive high returns which for instance; frenship. Hmm..This was also shared in the bible study class which I felt so true. When we do something that is true from your heart w/o any signs or reluctance, you will feel so happy on ur side even though at the end of the day u might feel alittle hurt from the way u are treated. Oh well...Im not feeling sad abt anything ah! Nor m I hurt just that I understand what had been said and taught.

Situation between mum and dad doesn't seem gd. I hope everything will be fine soon. Not worth being in a cold war for a old man.

I'm stressed and worried. TR seems so far reached for me. I don't even know if what I'm doing is right. I can't tell this to my grp members. They can't even cope what is given to them. I gave them the easiest and lightest in work load already. Still, I have this feeling everything will be thrown back to me. Haiz. How? I'm so scared. I need support and affirmation. I don't even dare to tell Andrea cuz she herself is struggling. When she called I still sound so confident to her when explaining the economic factors. Still...haiz. When it comes back to my own report...It seems so different! haiz.

Saturday, July 12, 2008

7:42 PM

It has been a very busy week in sch. I seemed to be practically running around to keep up with the pace of my life and to meet all deadlines. I'm glad at least couz's tuition was cancelled on tue. I gave me some time to deal with CFAS proj. Anyway, the bomb that almost killed me happened on wed.

E didn't go to sch on wed and I realised he didn't follow up WISP at all. The other gals are also lagging behind in their work. I was so worried and stressed in the morning. I couldn't really focus in TR lecture already. I msg him once lecture was over and he said he needs to do PLB and TR how to help me. WHAT?! He said he is the CO LEADER. He wants to manage and collate then after much unwillingness I still gave him the green light to go ahead but he disappointed me! He can't cope with things and just leave it there w/o informing. I have to go and ask. haiz. What a CO LEADER. Anyway, in the night he still have the cheek to say:" Melody, how ar my mobile banking ppt only got 12 slides." Guess how I replied:" Oh, u spent the whole of wed and only did 12 slides? Oh". haha!!! Im so sarcastic. Well.That was like 1am and I just completed thur's slides lor. I didn't even have time for my own mobile banking slides. He is one of a kind which I will never trust anymore.

Oh yes! Im glad he did better than E. I know he would anyway cuz I have faith in him and trust his capability. Shoo E!!! wahahahaha!!!

As for me..Yup, teacher was impressed with my confidence. 27/30 for that criteria and yeah...PPT going up to MEL. wahahaha!!! First time mum say "well done". Hard earned eh!

So well after lesson, I went Sakae with LL and Helena. Poor Helena was outcast by her frenz n Im glad she enjoyed herself with us. I felt happy to do smthing for her, to make her feel sense of belonging. I welcomed her to join us even in sch yeah. haha! When have I become so kind? eh!!! haha! Anyway, LL was saying I seem very horrible. Eating and eating. I was like eh..I deserve it leh. I worked very hard the whole week leh. Skipped alot of meals also leh..Thats why will have gastric prob. haha!

Step grand dad is back home. I hope I will learn to be more patient and giving when it comes to him. He character pisses me off from time to time but I hope I will try to see jesus in him and not who he is. Well.god bless me

Mum and dad had a tiff because of dad's sis. Well...I didn't really interfere. I stayed in my room to even have my own dinner. Well. Mum wants me to settle my dinner outside after piano recital but how to find seat? sat leh!!! Siao ar. So i bought back n eat in my room when all step relatives were eating outside. Sian. Dont know why my mum wants to make things so kua zhang.

I received a gift from HS. Feel so guility lah. She is only sec 2 and she gave me a birthday gift. haha! It's a keychain with the alphabets beads of my name by Give A Name. haha! I rmb that shop is a hot spot for all sec sch students even myself. In the past I received two necklace from two guys from there too. haha!!! Well..Im touched lah. We only see one another like during piano performance or once in a while when her lesson is rearrange after my lesson. It's a small but very SWEET gift. haha!

You are a very fortunate guy. You have frenz who give you whatever you want. Give you all they can to make the day special for u. To a certain extend, me too. LL went all out to make my birthday special and memorable for me. Well. I hope you will be very happy and enjoy ur day soon. You know I felt that...You don't have to go to people and ppl will go automatically to u. haha! You don't have to say much but others would want to celebrate with u. haha! U are such a blessed boy. Anyway, stay happy.

I was reading the bible and it striked me..."You are nothing without love". It's the love that you give people ard u that make ur life fufilling. Whoa! haha! Anyway, I realised Im easily pacified. LL was saying: "One sweet, n nothing more matters to you". SO i offered her the sweet to shut her mouth but she said: "Don't want. This sweet is so exp". haha!!!Crazy gal. Well. Im living in my own world. That's all I can say. I only want to give the best. haha!

Do understand its not u but what I do.

Thursday, July 10, 2008

5:28 PM

I guess life is all about trying. It is not all about achievements. It's the process that counts. In terms of academic, to score well in a semester does not mean everything ends there beautifully it is a start of another beginning. New expectations and hopes down the acedemic road. In terms of career, being promoted to say a manager does not mean happily ever after. In fact its a new start of ensuring your survival in the current position and for some might be going even higher in the corporate ladder. In terms of family bondings, a chat with mum does not mean one side's effort to improve the bond but more effort will have to be made to improve the r/s. I'm glad mum and I are putting tremendous effort in improving our r/s. I learn to live under her over protective and demanding nature and she learn to be less sharp in her words and think before she really say something. Also, to avoid putting me down and making me feel inferior. Although till date I always feel nervous to practice the piano with my mum around, but I guess as long as I don't feel that inferior feeling in exam, I guess things will turn out just fine. Lastly in terms of r/s, being attracted to someone is a beginning of something new. Being with someone, is a start of new life for both of them are partners to one another (to a certain extend). Being in a marriage, its a new start to learn to live with someone and to reproduce its a new start to be parents with great responsibility. Well.. I once thought I'm a perfectionist but I guess that's not the right word to use. It's more like I have high demand in my own work. I guess I will go crazy due to stress for being a perfectionist. haha! Anyway, so tell me...If we are always thinking abt what is going to happen in the near future and acting rationally in every step, are we happy? I wasn't for the past few months. I acted rationally. I know my priorities and I worked towards it but on the way I felt something different happening to me. I knew something bad or may be gd is happening to me. I tried to overcome it with work. I tried to tired myself out but it doesn't work that way. The fact it happened, means it had already happened. You can't change the fact. I would want to be rational and not be shaken emotionally or how I truly feel but ain't I making myself so tired to avoid or run away from all of these? So I have chose to face it and guess what? I'm a happy gal!!! I truly realised I'm happy! I may still feel down and tired over stuffs at times but i'm a happy gal in a whole!

Hmm.. Gonna start preparing for my mobile banking individual presentation for tml soon. Wish me all the best ba!

Just now after piano lesson, I went to take some brochures for tml's presentation and had my fav yong tau foo at CWP foodcourt. haha! Mum say since young Im so damn faithful in most of the things I do esp food. When I fall for something, whenever I go back to that foodcourt, I'm always eating that. Wahahaha! Anyway, I had dinner at 4.45pm cuz I didn't have lunch and I was famished. So well I had a fufilling and wonderful early dinner. hehe!!! Well. I felt so fortunate just now. Weird! I was living in my own world with the plate of food and when I was alittle aware of the surrounding...I realised ppl looking at me and ya 1 smiled at me. hahaha!

Dear kaijun, I have received the birthday card. hehe! So sorry ar made you go get a birthday card and post it to me. haha! Cuz u know I have kept it very nicely all the birthday and xmas cards u have given me all these yrs. So this yr...I rather not have gifts, but card is a must. haha! Anyway, appreciate that you now see me as the grown up Melody. hehe! Yeah, there are many many more stuffs we can do together instead of just playing toys. haha. You wish me to get a steady bf ASAP huh? wah! Don't make me sound like I'm so desperate leh... (Although I really hope to lah) wahhahahaha! No lah...Let god decide. If its mine, it will be. If its not, I will know it soon. Or rather god will send me a msg to let me know. wahahaha!!!

Dear LL, Im glad you was there for me ytd. U made sure I didn't throw all anger and stressed I had to E. He is really cmi. Anyway, thanks for helping me in the ppt slides too. Ya my right hand man ya?! haha.

Is attachment and NS hindering you from being with her? Why do u not have confidence in urself and her? Yes, there are many cases whereby r/s changes when the guys are away serving NS but there are also successful cases. At least I would say...It's more like both parties are bz fighting in their own lives individually but the one thing that holds them together is love. It's so sweet and romantic. It's tough but its possible. Rmb u told me; Nothing is impossible? Believe in urself, ur partner and god. You are one of the special kind. Enjoy ur camp over the weekend and all the best to your Mobile banking presentation too. Take care.

Sometimes I really think I will miss life like that. Although I'm so tired and stressed out, but somehow it keeps my life so meaningful. I learn so much about life and book knowledge. Nevertheless, it will never be as smooth without some people around u. They keep u going. They give u the support u need. The comfort you need and to catch u when u are falling. I wouldn't be here if weren't for you. Well. I do think I'm living in my own world at times. It's not a mutual thing but I feel so happy over everything. Haha! The fact that I don't stop and think rationally, actually makes me so happy and satisfied. Well..So u see... Ain't I living in my own world? Yes, of cuz u hope that someone would be happy and all that but at least u would refrain from more stuffs given.

Tuesday, July 08, 2008

6:30 PM

It's time for serious work.

I'm waiting for my playing cards to be printed so must well catch some time to do some reflection right? haha! Liling, don't scold me! haha! Jeron & LL are in the living room cutting the star thing. haha!

Today have been a crazy day. TR tutorial ended at 10am. haha! So we went to the canteen to discuss our TR report. Well. So much thing for me to overview and also cope with my own stuffs. Anyway, after LL came down we had lunch and headed to my hse. LL acted as though its her own hse lah and J even asked can I lend ur toliet..haha! So when is he gonna return me...haha!!! Ok, so we started doing our stuffs from 1.30 pm to now...And still doing ok! LL was doing most of the design job where else me and Jeron are doing the hectic brain storming and facing the computer screen the whole afternoon. Having a slight headache now. Haiz. I need moral support!!! Who?!! Now!!! haha! Anyway, we are close to done in most of the stuffs and I'm.........glad!!!!!!!!!!!!! However, I have not started on my MFS individual presentation stuffs for this fri. Andrea got an A. What abt me? hmm..

I was very agitated last night when N was saying she felt meaningless to wish me when she realised she have not wish me mins after 6 of July ended. She felt that she would be seemed so fake to wish me only after my birthday. Well I thought then who the hell created "Happy Belated Birthday". Anyway, its a small thing to me. I'm glad u do rmb though. Well...I really don't know what to say to comfort u ytd. I mean it's like u didn't wish me and then u are scolding urself and all that. Just do it ur way. U are happy, i'm fine.

Recently I was thinking... Am I really waiting for someone or am I waiting for the feeling to die off? So say fading off...Does it really seems like? I only know when I do something for someone, I would feel so happy. Maybe it's really not about being with someone but doing something for someone. Does love really lead to r/s? Maybe not or maybe hardly in my case. I'm not ready either. I'm afraid of heart breaks. I'm not confidence of myself. So well.. If i really love u, I will want to give u the best and that u are happy. That's all I guess. You encouraged her to go for whoever that she thinks is the one then what about u? If u are withdrawing, then deep down in u do really think she is the one? Don't shoot back the qn to me. I have put in 100% best effort in whatever I do. I don't know how long it will last but at least I know in 1.5 months time, things may be different. So well. I cherish these 1.5 months and hope I won't leave with any regrets cuz I once did something for someone with a true heart once again. It's an improvement to me since the nightmare 3 yrs ago.

Some quotes from Vanessa Hudgen's song... (Thanks kj for the CD!!!Muacks!)
It's the memory I can see then this fear comes over me. Understand that I don't mean to push you away from me. Why am I so afraid to crash down and lose my heart again. Why am I so afraid to break down and lose my mind again. I don't know. I can't see. What's come over me. You got a way of easing me out of myself but I can't stay not leave. I am my worst enemy.

Monday, July 07, 2008

12:13 AM

6 of July 2008

My birthday ended sweetly with people I love. *Love is in the air*. Whoa! Haha. Well.. I must say if it wasn't my family and dear LL & KJ, I wouldn't feel as fortunate as ever.

Opened presents at partyworld today. LL's, uncle's and Auntie's. Auntie's watch was whoa!!! Haha..Always make my eyes go wide. haha! Had lunch with LL and then ben came to meet us. So glad he was here for me. I couldn't get things right lah. I don't buy male stuffs. Anyway, after that went home to print notes for the week and then got ready again to meet KJ at vivo. She was sooo pretty but lucky I also wore dress. heez! AA leh...Lucky not only old uncles. haha!!! I'm still quite marketable eh...choy..As if i care. So sorry made u walk one big round back to nike with ur high heels.............Glad I found that. It's soooooo nice!!!

After our dinner we went to the top level for photo taking and enjoy the cool breeze. It felt so nice! I like the feel. So in peace and relaxed. May it be in the day or night, the sea breeze feels just as great as ever.

Just now was in the room talking to mum abt outing and showing pics of Kj too then she say KJ is getting prettier...So I ask her me leh? She say...........I DONT THINK U ARE GETTING PRETTIER. omg! *Fainted*. My mum is sooo honest. But she say...I think u are growing. Don't u think brains is better than appearance? I say yes but still...She carried on..They way u do things, say things, respond or even think is growing up. Getting more stable. Anyway, since young u are not the childish type already. aiya, THANKS AR!

pics on 5th July not ready yet but today ones are ready.

Both of us like this alot. hehe

This is nice too!

What a look!

We were squating against a lamb post. Crazy lah. Both gals wearing dress!

Bright!!!

At Auntie's house before clubbing

Party world