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OMG!!! Things are positive!!! Thank you dear!!!!!!!!! and of cuz...Thank you mummy!!!!!!!
I was very nervous the whole day until I saw him. The first laugh and smile of the day. haha! After some time when my mum was more ok with him ard...I kind of loosen myself already. Started playing with my granny and mum. haha! I was simply myself. No acting. I just like it like that. hehe.. Like a family.
Im really shocked that mum msg LL that she is very happy that I have found a bf. Actually she wish me all the best just now also. Hmm... I don't know where this will lead to but of cuz since now its still "honeymoon" period its like everything seems so positive in terms of feelings that would lead u to think to be married to the other party. haha. Gd to think abt it actually...Seems so sweet then but yeah dont hope so much...Cherish now and shall not be brought down by the future.
Leaving s'pore in hrs. It has been some time since I left Singapore...Leaving all my stuffs esp work and leave for enjoyment? relaxation? hmm. I hope it will be fun yet relax trip. I hope I wont need to wake up at 7am every morning man! Oh ya...It had been yrs since I last took an aeroplane. haha!!! Going back to Terminal 2 tml...I miss attachment days with the colleagues there. hehe.
I will miss u. Don't forget choc meant to be eaten one a day hor...Don't finish all in a go ar!!! Take care. Rmb rest is import ok? Enjoy urself with ur brothers and sisters. I love you. God bless.
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
A day out with my special one. In fact I woke up at 7am this morning. I couldn't get to slp anymore. I guess Im just nervous for tue. I think I won't be able to really eat on tue man. I will be more nervous than the actual person I guess. haha! Anyway, dilly dally at home and only reached sch at 11.30am. This is my first time going sch stress-free, not rushing and a light hearted. Not implying that Im unhappy for the past 3 years BUT it feels so relaxed after exams are done. At least I know I will pass and get my diploma.
Went to his sec sch today. It was just fine and his brother reminded me of Jireh. Don't know why but I guess well..though nervous but still...haha! He's going thru worst than me tml. haha! Honestly, Im nervous when i know somehow I will have to meet all his brothers and sisters. haha
After that, I went Tampiness mall to get my belt and DMK slippers. haha! Think Tampiness quite alot to shop eh...haha! I was constantly reminding myself abt the $700 spent on sun to refrain myself from looking at more stuffs. haha! Anyway, hope it didnt bored him. It wasn't really shopping actually. More like a hangout n have him by my side.
Ok so this is smthing when we went to fetch my brother. Many thoughts ran through my mind when I saw how he acted at the playground and Cheers with my brother. At the playground, I see how he usually would train his scouts in determination. I as a sister and maybe motherly nature, my hands were ready behind him to catch him when his legs were shaking on the steps but he chose to stand afar and encourage him to go up the steps with his own effort. I guess if we didnt down dress today its really dad, mum and son. haha! Goodness. Anyway back to the point...I feel really blessed and fortunate to have someone who is so willing to interact with my brother and maybe with my family (see how it goes tml) but I guess I see dad's shadow in him. For me and mum, we usually bring him there and see how he plays and when he falls we would protect and love him but as a male...a dad they will play around with nick and encourage him to try new things. Well..I guess that's where the balance is strived. However, if things are not well managed, it will turn out as a possible conflict.
Dear, u are happy yeah? I guess ultimately that's what that matters. Seriously it will be alittle hard as we can't meet and see each other often and i guess the heart would be fonder as time passes esp when its our "honeymoon" period now but no worries i will deal with it. The day I commit to u, I already know what Im gonna face and deal with. Still, if I would to arrange to meet u for lunch, I hope u dont find me irritating yeah? haha. I like it now...(U know what i mean ya?) Well...its normal for gals to want guys to be the initiator yeah? haha. You ask what does it meant by me softening down...Well, I guess its less controlling or putting up a strong front and to expose the small gal in me but of cuz that would only happen when i feel safe to soften down. I wouldnt even really soften down in say shopping centres but I guess in the cinema...its more relax ba. haha! Lastly, wolf asked u what abt me when u enter NS right? I can't promise u I will have a change of heart (u understand what i meant? hehe) but all I can say if we can make it thru IAP, i strongly believe our r/s will strengthen n i guess if we can weather thru ur NS, I guess by then Im really stucked with u. haha!
Dear LL, Im glad to see ur blog pics and ur private msg to me. U know I always want u to have the best like how u wish me to have the best. Stay happy ok? Rmb keep in touch!
Sunday, August 24, 2008
I'm confused. Things are happening way too fast. I don't want to pressure nor scare one party yet do not wish to disappoint and spoil the impression the other party has. Or is it my fault? Maybe I should have told her only after her birthday. However, the longer i drag, the more guility I am and also she will think Im not respecting her. Things are not stable and she is treating as though she is meeting her future son in law. haiz. I guess she knows I won't just get some funny guy and commit huh? Well..I hope I don't disappoint her. On the other hand, the fact that he agreed to go...Im truly happy. At least I know he is serious with me. I really hope tue will be fine and you won't regret. Don't let go my hands. We are in this together.
I really cherish the time spend with my mum today. It seemed like how we were when I was a kid. Beauticians and sales assistance were commenting that the bonds and r/s I have with my mum is very special. It's the daughter that is nagging her mother. haha! Well...Say for instance during the facial...Ok...I was TRICKED by my mum. She said I ACC her but end up she signed a package for me and forced me to do it. I was screaming for pain!!! All kinds of words came out...I cried for LL! I was cursing and swearing as though it is a torture. So what my mum did was to distract me by started a convo and then I did all the talking after that and the beauticians were amazed that I told my mum practically everything abt my frenz, work and thoughts. haha!
Anyway, bought alot of office wear for IAP. My mum said Im very fussy! Ya what I have to be. If im too easy in clothes, then my warobe will be busting soon! Well...I guess we did spent a total near $1k. I feel very bad but mum say its ok can recap from the FD's interest. Siao as if the interest is alot...
It could really be a start of something new. I love you.
Saturday, August 23, 2008
Yeah! Finally I have completed the last exam of this semester which also meant that I have completed my theory studies in NP. It seemed just ytd I started my academic in NP and now Im moving on to my attachment which would set the platform for my overall grades if i do well and also a possible opportunity if I would to continue as an employee before I part time uni. Well..Honestly, I have not really thought if I would go straight to uni or work for 1-2 yrs before part/full time uni. I guess the road ahead is already planned out for me. All I need to do is to have faith and follow god's lead.
In fact ytd when I was alittle feverish and stressed up with my PLB stuffs, something really came in to my mind...Am I losing myself for just blindly demanding achievements...gd grades n all that? Where is the keen in me who likes to study and gain more knowledge? I mean well...Im not the studious type but then I like to know more things. In life, learning never ends. I hope I would stop having the attitude in just blindly hoping for high achievements. I hope to be like my past. Very keen to learn and enthu attitude in learning. I guess this goes esp true for IAP.
"You step up, I step up too". I guess it took u alot of effort to say things and I appreciate it. haha! I guess Andrea really helped alot...haha! As you have wished...I felt safe and comfortable with you. Thanks dear. I know the road ahead is far and tough but we will make it through any kind of weathers right? Ya, don't think too far and its because I stopped thinking far that made my feelings more certain because the further we think, the more rational we would be and we would just become negative. Apart from just me being happy, I also hope u are really happy from within. Thanks for all the wonderful memories and yeah..watching the fireworks. Enjoy ur time with ur brothers and yeah rmb to take care.
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
Two more papers to go. Investment tml and PLB on fri. Ytd night after I completed the memorising part for topics from technical analysis onwards, I was so excited that Im finally do calculations. haha!!! I enjoyed doing the discount model thingy and slept at 5am after everything. haha!!!
Having the right attitude in asking me work is import. If you ask me, means u trust me. Don't ask me but go: "Really meh? Sure anot?" All that crap. I have nth against that gal. In fact I would so much wanna protect her but then maybe we have char clash. She is too soft whereas Im too hard. haha! But it's ok!
Sometimes I just don't understand people. I lend him my Macro TB and when I asked him have u photocopied it? cuz the following tue will be my last day coming for RCIA. Then he was asking I thought u wanna give me. Crazy fella. U are a professional, Im still a student and I used my own $ to buy my TB. Why shouldI be giving u and I told u i lend u. So well ytd was my last day attending RCIA and then he kind of avoided me. haiz! Why are people like that? I don't know.
I was telling mum what Auntie Catherine said to me after RCIA class. Mum frowned so I explained to her cuz their elder son is also in NP, engineering and Uncle Augustine wanted to intro him to me. I was taken aback when mum said; "Wah Enginneering ar...Got future leh...Can consider. Actually like that also gd lah at least u won't be left on the shelve like what uncle said previously". Ok, somehow I felt alittle relieved cuz she had finally shown changes and her door is open for me to talk to her abt my future r/s. HOWEVER, she make it sounds like I won't have suitors. Oh oh...Or is it she is worried Im too career or strong headed in achievements that I wouldnt settle down? haha! Nah, these are not factors I consider. I want to lead a balance lifestyle. Auntie is my role model.
Auntie Catherine said; "Must work hard so that your bf will love u more". I pushed her hug away and was asked eh I thought u are talking abt exam? Well...We laughed and all that but in my heart, a question was formed. Do we work harder because we love someone and hoping that he will in return love u more? On the flip side, it also sounds alittle wrong to say I wouldn't work hard for my bf. It seems like he has no impact on u nor is he sig to u. I guess for me, whether anot i have one, I will work hard because Im who I am but I think maybe bcuz im in love i work harder and im happy. Why work harder? Because he is also working harder on the other end with his own stuff and also he will feel proud of me and also feel gd right? I don't know. Whenever it comes to "Proud of me or proud of oneself because of me" its very ambiguious.
Do I want to have bf? Do I foresee myself with u? If u are asking my heart, I would say yes. I believe u feel it too. Still...Both of us are rather reserved. We think alot and I guess its me who is confusing u. Don't get me wrong, I only hope u are sure what u are saying and doing. Honestly, Im really happy now with everything u say n do for me. It's not materialistic its just everything. Maybe what Im afraid is what happened in that channel U will happen to me. She asked him 3 times if he loves her but he only replied her like he could give her happiness and all that but I guess ultimately gals need to know that. Who lives in his heart? How he feels and really think? She doesn't want what he can do for her but what is exactly going thru him. Maybe to a certain extend Im like her. Im strong, u know...So I would want the truth. I can feel u esp recently n it assured me somehow and when we were joking u asked cannot be ur bf ar...I thought of cuz u can. Still...U know what I really need from u now right? Dont disappoint me, just like how u said u hope I wont disappoint ur expectations in me.
Tell me that u love me, tell me that u care. Tell me that u need me, and I'll be there for u. It's a song. haha!
Monday, August 18, 2008
Today's paper was quite ok I think. I guess somehow can help compensate my proj alittle here and there. Anyway, shan't say anything much abt exam cuz I guess I wouldn't really wanna see my results this time...
Hmmm...Very tired now. Body seems like its slowing down but mentally I know my study mood is coming!!! OR shld I say I have passed the first stage which its the hardest to get thru as always.
I was watching a HK drama on Channel U with my bro just now... What happened was the lady asked her husband-to-be if he love her. He replied; "Don't worry I will give you happiness". The lady asked again, do you love me and he replied; "We will be happy together". The lady asked again, do you love me and he replied; "I know I can provide you with a happy family". The lady finally said...I have asked u three times and u didnt answer me. I know SHE still lives in your heart. Although your actions shows how much u can do for me and give me happiness but I just don't live in ur heart neither do u still love me. So how would you expect me to be happy? Cuz u aren't happy either. She decided to break off with him and left with their baby to US. whoa!!! Although she shed tears but she is a STRONG WOMAN afterall. Respect!
Two more papers to go! All the best to all my dears.
Sunday, August 17, 2008
This morning bought Cleo Sept issue. The two main articles for this issue was about Abortion and relationships. These issues may be very sensitive to many ppl but I guess that's also an increasing problem in the society.
Is Abortion an irresponsible way out or a chance to start anew? Actually there's no right and wrong in such issues. We can't really say they are selfish to not feel the trauma after abortion cuz well... To them their future seems so assuring to them that they could give up everything and to them maybe sex its just sex. However, there are some who think otherwise. They feel the trauma physically and emotionally. They feel the lost of what really ONCE BELONGS to them. Why would one actually kill a baby of their own unless left with no other choices. Well.. To me, I guess if im already a grown up n financially stable, I would keep the baby n might not force my bf to marriage. Still, if it happens now when Im pursuing for a bright future...I really don't know what I will do.
A marriage because of pregnancy won't last. It's more or responsibilities than love. I always rmb what I wrote for my O level eng essay that helped me to score B3 for english!! haha! "Marriage is an union of a couple in the name of god". Well I guess if a couple would to be so intimate, i guess for me...It should be love n nth other than that...
Cleo asked; Do you think being in a r/s is overrated? There was one who replied: "I don't believe I need someone else in my life cos I'm a very independent person and I believe I'm capable of doing everything on my own". I read this to mum and she said she will regret what she say in yrs to come. haha! I was shocked too. I would say Im an independent person and Im capable of doing most things on my own too but I guess Im just still a gal. I would still need someone to love, care, protect, share happiness & unhappiness with.
Cleo says it's important to have quality time with ur partner and that reminded me of HIM & HER. So when she msg me in the evening saying she was hanging ard with HIM at orchard while nick went for speech and drama course, I replied enjoy ur dating. The end she said HE showed not much of interest and yawned cont. then I told her she should have know HE is not the romantic type and hello we went for 9am church service leh..haha! Anyway, while HE was doing the marketing, SHE was talking to me in the carpark. Both of them have been arguing alot lately because of the old one. haiz! More n more prob which I think its really not worth fighting over. She said alot of things that I feel so much for HIM...
1. "It's my hse and she don't even address me as da sao. So close to each other...Seems more n more alike...Slp with her then".
2. Scolded the old one with some strong foul words
3. She said: "They don't take her and her son as a family".
Alot more but then well...If they don't take her and her son as a family, then PLEASE think abt me! I'm obviously no one! If I didn't voice out, you should keep comments to urself! Well.. The way she say things and all that reminds me of what she said of her own brother the other day. SHe said she understand that when someone is angry, they tend to say untrue and very hurting words but then some words shouldn't be said to their father. So I thought what abt u...u saying such a thing to HIM? Is it nice? Is it fair? U said u are nasty but reasonable...Then are u really being reasonable here? All I can say is that no one is reasonable when they are angry! I know she needs me to confide in n I will always be there for her cuz no others will. However, deep down in me...From what I see between these two loving people...Im so scared of myself...Will I be like her when u get married n all that...haiz.
Saturday, August 16, 2008
A day of memory work and my brain seems dead now. When I think about abt the word EXAM, I get so stressed up...I have to constantly remind myself of my capabilities and my faith in god. Well maybe Im just afraid I screw up the other papers like how I did for TR after soo much hard work through out the whole SEMESTER! haiz.
I don't rmb when was the last time I wore white shorts and today when I wore it...It came! Lucky nth happen. My sensitivity alarmed me before anything happened. haha! Well...No wonder I felt pain and aches all ard. I felt my body hot too. I thought I was down with fever but end up...haha! At least it isn't fever. Well..I really hope I could cope with this and exam. I guess my body will be damn shag by then.. I need tonics! haha!
Sometimes I would think if we people do truly cherish people who love and care for us? Let's say people who are related to us... Do we really really care for them? Or do we tend to take them for granted easily? Mum came in to my room venting out all her unhappiness and frustration when I was lying dead on the bed. haha! He wants attention, I understand but can he care for the people who is doing SO MUCH for him? If the maid leaves because of his scoldings daily, he will suffer and his very fillal daughter will suffer even more. For him, no one will help him to the toliet in the middle of the night. For her, she will have to reach here by 7am when she stays at Changi. She always repeat that all daughters & sons have to report to our hse on sun cuz they know that daughter in law won't do as much as own children would. I mean...Is my mum proud of that? Well.. U dont have to go to the extra mile for him but don't have to repeat tt again n again right... I don't feel comfortable with all his bad habits, scoldings and temper but still...Move on! If it wasn't him, there's isn't dad and do u think u would be so happy and well pampered now?
Although I doubt I would employ a domestic maid at home in the future but I still feel for her...Being scolded by him all day long and yet have to do all that crap for him...I can see her efforts and somehow u know I feel that she serves him like a king or maybe everyone does serve him like a king. Ahhh whatever. I don't what will happen to myself in the future too.
Mum asked me if next sun we are going shopping. Whoa. Seems like if I really want to go for church retreat instead...She will kill me! haha! I guess I should spend time with her then.
There's a difference between being proud of someone dear to u and being proud of yourself because that person is dear to u. For my past achievements, is she proud of me or is she proud of herself because she has raised me up? I rmb when I got my TR report results, she say I should not thank my auntie (even though she was the one who helped me practically with everything) but her cuz if there isn't her, there isn't me. Although its true but seems alittle too selfish and biased. Somehow I felt that she is just proud of herself for I come from her. So now...If I flop everything and I don't achieve highly...What will she react and do? She is already taking that its almost a definate thing for all these that I guess if really I would to fall hard... I think she will take it harder than me as I have failed her. Ahhh. Maybe Im just stressing myself too much now and that Im thinking too FAR and NEGATIVE!!! Sorry!
LL, I NEED U!
Friday, August 15, 2008
Five hours ago, I was on the verge of a break down when someone ask me how to do qn 6 for TR. I went blank. I didn't know that that was qn 6 and I was beating my heart lah. I was almost in tears when I was talking to LL but I wonder why it didn't fall. Was it u who gave me the strength? I don't know. Sorry eh for pinching u and beating u when u actually waited for me after the exam eh...haha!!! Have to vent out my frustration and u said u will be there right? haha!!! Anyway, Im feeling so much better now. The thought of not being able to achieve A still does cause my heart to hurt alot but I guess recovering? haha. Mum said I was sooo careless...She also believe I know how to do but like that innocently lose my 16 marks and yet can't get A for my overall.
My sec 2 student is actually a rather gd looking boy, tall n gd build then we always joke that he has gf cuz his hp will always ring immediately tuition ends. haha! Then mum was suprised why he would like one of the gal when he was still under her BASC. Then I told mum dont u agree if melvin like a gal bcuz she is smart or pretty then isn't that not love already? Then she say yes lah I know I m no one to say him lah cuz I cant even say that to my own daughter and she looked at me. I went eh...Don't drag me into this matter eh then mum told me what dad's best fren was saying last sun after church when I went for my bible study. He ask mum if I have bf n mum just smiled then he said tell melody dont always study must hurry go find bf le lah. Later all the gd guys are taken already and then she will become like those aunties in church who are fated to be left on the shelves. Wah!!!!!!!!!! WTH! I don't think im that bad lor. Goodness and they are 40+, im 19 ONLY!!! wth. haha! Then I tell mum aiya let nature takes its course lah and furthermore if I really have bf, its between u n me right why must go tell others as if they are a family. haha! Unless its a potential bf that im gonna marry to then safe to say if not don't spread! haha.
First time I felt that mum is open to r/s topic. She didn't reply for me on behalf that "Melody says she wants to study first". Last time when she said that...Well I don't deny that lah cuz I really want to carry on studying but I think I will have to take a break first but still the fact that she replied this way in fact its her wish that I would focus on my academic. However, the fact she just smiled...Somehow I think the letter I wrote to her previously does work somehow. She knows I m interested in someone and thus she is relieve that Im not into my bro in the church. Well...I really don't know. It seems so sweet and all but I hope I won't be so washed off by emotions. Show me its real show me its gonna be fine show me its gonna be the one.
Melvin said something very sweet to me! I said at that split min when I know that there's qn 6 I wanna commit suicide and he say CANNOT...U cannot get A, u commit suicide then I cannot get A already. haha! I don't know if I should laugh or feel sad lor! haha! But yeah man...Although I can't get A, I must live on to help my student to get A in his MATHS right? haha! Didn't know a blur tuition teacher like me who something am slower than him is taken in high regards and respected by him. Yeah man, I guess he saved the day. He enlightened my mood.
Thursday, August 14, 2008
My first battle starts tml...Treasury! A module which I really have great interest in. Something I always wanted to learn and somehow yeah I love calculations so yeah I simply love it. However, I guess seems like there's hidden stress which Im bearing it myself. Hmm...I don't compare with others but after knowing what my frenz have gotten for CT I realised competition is high to actually score for my overall grade. In order to maybe get A for my overall I guess I have to actually do very very well for tml's exam paper. Nevertheless Im going to be like how I did for FP. Take it easy and cool. Complete the paper in 1 hr & go home. wahahaha!!! I hope so lah ha but no hurry. I should enjoy the moment doing the exam of a module I love and yup...haha!
Ytd when I came home...I felt something wrong between the two loving couples and I msg mum this morning to ask her if she is ok. wahaha!!! She's alittl suprised that I did sense it. Haiya, Im so sensitive...why would I not sense such an obvious difference? Well..She is DISAPPOINTED that dad spent $70 on a hair wash by a lady and msg her showing off to her how much he had spent. She then felt that what ppl said that "When man is rich, they will change" was true. Haiz. To me, I thought dad would do tt maybe bcuz he is happy with his hairdo mah...I mean I have complete trust that dad is not doing these in a form of arrogant or to spike mum but well...He is just happy and sharing. Also...mum recently also went to perm her hair what then spend so much money on hair creams which I dont even buy for the last 3 yrs. My hair cream for perm hair cost $10 but what she bought was afew times MORE than that. So if u want to compare i guess its so rare that dad would actually spend so much on himself which is ok pampering oneself once in a while mah...
I told her not to be judgemental with just one incident. I don't know if there are other incidents la ha but I guess its unfair to dad and somehow I have trust in dad for what kind of person he is and I know my mum too well in her perspective in things and her emotionals.
Dear I read ur blog... It had been obvious to me how T feels for u all these while but u denied. It was until he made things clear to u tt u are shocked. Well... as an outsider I would say u have to be honest to S. I don't want T to take the opportunity to sow discord between u n S when misunderstanding arises. I'm also not infering that u should give up on T or whatever but u must understanding ur situation is diff from mine. Im not attached but u are. U can't simply just follow the flow and take whatever romance or feeling of being pampered...U are not being trueful to ur r/s. What u cant get from ur own r/s, does not mean u can just get it from someone else. It's gd for u to talk to S how u feel n think. Whether or not he improves in the r/s, its up to him but RMB DONT COMPARE. A budding love is always passionate and unforgettable but believe it or not...along the way...it will still end up dry and more effort is needed to maintain the r/s. It does not apply to S only but also T. My auntie told me that my uncle only wants excitement and passionate love. You must understand a r/s or marriage is not only abt love but the beginning of anything is only abt love. So don't let love blind ur rational thinking. However, as a fren...I hope u will have the best. I did tell u before don't just accept his proposal because of family pressure cuz its ur lifetime happiness. U never know what will happen in the future and I really mean it. I hope u have the best which u deserve and that u r happy dear. I'm always here for u :)
So many e.g. of r/s, marriage and probs are shakening me. This isn't the first time I experience such a feeling. The fear...the worries and the disturbed heart. I can be rational to emotional stuffs of others but not mine. My visions are clouded. My judgements are inaccurate. Nevertheless, no matter how my judgements are inaccurate there's still the fear. It's the fear I have in me. I don't have faith in a r/s like I used to have. It's always a dream but I putting it into reality seems far. My past experience, my own parents, my beloved uncle & auntie, my best fren and frenz who shares their woes to me. Goodness...I don't know and let me stop here. I have battles to fight. I'll really think hard after exam or maybe the trip will be a gd chance for my thoughts to run.
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
There seemed to be numerous distractions at home today. Many movements and people which I have to attend to that made me so unsettled to study. Anyway, till now I only managed to complete another set of TR exam paper, revised last 3 chapters' memory work and then redid tutorial for bond. wah!!! I was so frustrated while doing it but im glad I have conquered it. wahaha! Wanted to do some CFAS today but seemed like Im sooooo tired already. Don't know why. Maybe I'll push myself to study cfas after marking ans with Andrea, if not...zzz! haha!
This morning while waiting for my piano to be tuned, she couldn't bear it anymore...Poured out to me abt the quarrel between uncle & grandparents. I know what my uncle said to my grandpa was too much. There wasn't respect at all but then I am in no position to comment. Not because Im young but we weren't there when they quarrelled. I don't think it's fair to only hear ur father's story and come to a conclusion abt everything then when I didn't say anything...She insulted me..."ur IDOL said this this that that to my father". My IDOL...isn't he ur BROTHER? She made me agree to her theory but I said I agreed to dad's theory that we shouldn't be judgemental here. All we have to do now is to show more love and concern to ur parents...my grandparents. and if they are certain to move out...then we will help them financially. So well...I guess it's not abt finding who is in the right or wrong but how to settle the problem. Well..While she was talking and trying to get my views and feelings, I was really angry cuz every word she says it seemed sharp on me...Always reminding me abt my close r/s with Auntie & uncle. Didn't she say she sees that I'm growing up esp the way I deal and handle things? Can't she just have more faith and trust in me esp in such cases then?
It's Auntie Catherine and Uncle Augustine's birthday celebration today. Uncle Augustine's actual day and Auntie's catherine's birthday is this sat. So sweet to have ur hubby or wife's birthday just a week or few days away from u right and they held hands together to cut the cake...hehe. So nice! I was teasing them...Looks like u guys are cutting ur wedding cake again after say near 20 yrs of marriage? haha! I guess I was taking my revenge cuz she accused me that I have a bf again. She carries on saying I look like Im glowing and said hello...Pimples more like it lah! Then even father edward say aiya just admit lah I won't tell ur mum lah. Wth. Seems weird. Just based on my facial expression or something like appearance can justify my personal life? Weird.
The more u force urself in smthing, the more afraid u get. The more you put urself into smthing, the more u would want to back out. There has always been determination, but fear will overcome me now and then. Work is work, life is life. I won't want to mix both of them up. I'm glad with Andrea ard...she pulls me back to business!
I guess if things doesn't turn out right or as well..The only person I would blame and CAN blame is myself. No one but myself.
Today on & off while talking to mum...Somehow I know both of us are talking abt the same thing but directing using other variables. I know things won't be smooth when it comes to her still but it's u that I don't know why Im becoming so brave and want to face all these... Whenever I think abt her or u reminding me abt results...Im back to the stressful business world which I have to fight hard for achievements and have to meet her EXPECTATIONS and RESPONSIBILITIES.
U only expect me to pass my piano exam and nth more? Crazy. U don't show it that way and u know ur daughter wouldn't want just a pass for music even though if that may be a fact for now but it's an experience for me cuz this is my first time going for exam and I actually passed the compulsory grade within 1 attempt!
Monday, August 11, 2008
I'm so restless today. I slept at 4am and E msg me at 7.30am! Goodness. Ok, I shan't grumble cuz I guess I wasn't really slping too if not I wouldn't be awake by the msg. Anyway, I'm glad he msg me after sooo long being MIA. He asked abt internship and all that then he asked something very weird; "So is there any guys to intro to me?" At that moment I thought E has turned into a gay or smthing! haha. Turn out he was worried for my "happiness". wah!!! Really unexpected huh. So well...after awhile I decided to get up at 8am and complete TR 2007 exam paper w/o replying to him. haha! After the paper I think I was really very drained physically so slept till 11+ then my maid asked me to eat the lunch she had prepared for me and went to practiced The Secret. haha! Guess what I did after tt? Revised some cfas theory and then slept till 3.30pm. wah! Cmi...haha! But lucky I completed merger thingy by 9pm and went to bathe. COMFORTABLE! So well relax awhile and I will do maybe alittle of IV.
Um...Auntie Catherine told me abt the one day RCIA retreat on 24th Aug. I was thinking to go! Exam ends on 22 Aug but I suggested to mum last week maybe we can go shopping on 24th together cuz I know she is trying to buy stuffs for me n ya I think maybe we can spend some time together but omg how...I mean although its not a promise but still I know she will be kinda disappointed if I say I cant go shopping with her cuz I want to go for the retreat. Next tue will be last time being involve in church activities before I go for my IAP but then how should I tell mum..Maybe I shall just go with mum and let go church retreat.
Actually even if u dont see the stress that is budding in me...that doesn't mean there isn't stress. There is and the stress is tremendous but Im assuring myself with the confidence and abilities I have. Most importantly, I have faith in god. Sometimes really don't feel like studying not because of others but because im feel the stress but then I will get over the stress n tell myself Im doing fine just ignore the stress and exam panick and STUDY then ya...I will have the drive to study again. haha!!!
It hasn't been here for I guess 2 mths? Since ytd feel alittle pain here and there. I'm very worried it comes during exam period. Im sure to feel so moody, stressed and tired. I guess the pain and tiredness will hinder my stamina too ba. Haiz. I just don't like it to have it during exam period. Still..I guess its better than it happen during my trip? Aiya, don't know. SIAN
You step up, I step up too. No matter how hard it gets, I won't want to leave u unless u want me to. U need assurance and Im telling u then...What abt me? I don't know.
Sunday, August 10, 2008
It's the end of my 1 week study break. Another 4 days before my first paper; Treasury. I have completed my revision for Treasury. Redone tutorial twice. Gonna redo it again & again and complete year 2007 and 2006 exam paper with Andrea till Fri just like how we both prepared FP together. I hope we would score together too. However, in order for me to be really confident and sure that I know my work, I have to teach ppl! So ask me!!! haha!!!
I went church service at 11.45am alone cuz my bible study is at 1.30pm so waste time to go with parents at 9am. I met mum's colleague and we sat together and had lunch with her. haha. In fact she will be my room mate for next mth's trip to malacca. Mum told me she paid for me to go with her for her company tour. Well.. I guess fri night after working euro hrs I can nicely take a bath and go malacca w/o slping. All her wants. Anyway, when we were walking out the church, I met Auntie catherine and we hug and all that then she look at me say: "Wah...getting prettier lah...Got bf already is it?" Then I say nono...Dont have bf...then she say: "Aiya...got la got la...Ur face like glowing and very happy". Then I say no lah I dont have why u keep insisting. haha! Aiya...She's like a mom to me think she is happy tt im happy ba.
During bible study we shared more stuffs that made my perspective in things widen alot. Will reflect abt it soon. So after bible study rushed to westmall to catch up with family and grandparents. I was touched that granny brought along a bottle of her grass jelly for me. No wonder grandpa keep asking mum if im going...Mum still scare me say grandpa wanna intro bf then I was like huh!!! Im not interested! Well..what I felt is that.They are trying to win me back after their grandchildren are like....well...So what Im most successful and fillal to you all..Well...or u regretted for taking me for granted for HER? I don't know how is she doing now or what she have done to u that made u two so disappointed in her but don't ever try to take me as a replacement. I will definately rebel to it.
There are alot of things I wanna say here and reflect upon but I felt that I should really sort out my thoughts first.
Assurance? Insecure? I think both of us are facing the same prob due to past experience. I'm glad you are upfront abt it but for myself...Im dealing it on my own and numbed myself with work. I really don't want u to leave for feeling tt im troubling or dragging u. I will be there for you and Im sorry that Im so hard to understand at times.
Saturday, August 09, 2008
Happy National Day!!! I missed the National Anthem. The song which I I fainted twice in the assembly area. haha. Was weak in the past. Lack of slp and my low blood pressure will cause me to faint. haha. I'm glad I'm stronger now and I feel so proud to be a Singaporean! Yeah. haha. Crazy me... Well. The lighting and sound effects were awesome. I'm glad that mum bought the BIG lcd tv. Hmm. Just now I can't help it but observed the marching. I guess after last yr's NDP when my uncle was talking abt the marching, it left a deep impression in me ba. Well..Quite tidy yeah. That's what Singapore is all about. The best and of high standard in such events.
The firewords was wonderful but I guess there's a diff between watching it via TV and experiencing it. I rmb last yr's new yr countdown we were at KL and the fireworks was just outside the window of our hotel room. We can feel the vibration of the window! That was really very cool!
Anyway, went to meet up with Clare to finish up our last bit of discussion before tml's bible study class. I guess I received some answers from God.
One may think it's best for us but is it really in line to what we want and need? It occured to me that most of the times my mum is acting the best interest for me in whatever she does. Say for instance the 5 day overseas trip after my exam. She hopes that I can relax before I start my 6 mths IAP but somehow it wasn't in line to what I really want and need. I NEED & WANT rest. I believe by the time I finish my exam, I will be as dead as a log and furthermore, I hope to rest early the night before my first day reporting to CS right? Haiz. Nvm. Another case, she called me today wanting to buy some so personal stuffs for me. haha! I really don't mind cuz she's my mum so what is that which I still feel shy abt but then its still not in line with my interest. I would be really MORE comfortable if we went shopping together. I mean true enough it had been quite some time since I bought clothes n all tt for myself but tt doesn't mean u have to stock up my warobe for me. You can go shopping every weekend with shopping bags back but tt doesn't mean I need smthing from u too. Well..That's the prob when the interest of both parties doesnt intersect.
Another message; "Wait and See". Time will reveal the truth and things will grow if its really god's work. Instead of thinking what's the reason and cause, should we just wait and see it its really god's work. Since the first day since infatuation started till I controlled it and stopped it and then realised something really happened to me...Is this just my actions? I felt god fooling me and soon u felt the same thing too. So what is this? I don't know and I'm not implying anything yet cuz I don't know what is in the future. Maybe I dare not think or feel because I'm afraid to crush down and lose my heart and mind again. Seriously, u will tell me to be happy and all tt and u know U are the reason for me to be happy so are u actually just trying to make me happy like what u would do for any gals? Ok. I'm sorry I shan't ask all these. It's ur call and ya...u stay happy and I'm fine.
Friday, August 08, 2008
I have been seriously hoping that I could get started in memorising some stuffs but then seems like I can't. My brain is too active. All I want is to do CALCULATIONS! I can study alot for TR but seemed like the other modules which requires MEMORISING seemed so tough and far. haha! Anyway, I will be able to do it and complete it on time still. Never know yeah. Anyway, I promised dear to complete TR this week in order to do 2 exam papers with her before exam yeah? Yup..Talking abt her..haiz! I feel so much for her! I just don't understand whya re there so many selfish and unethical people. Or rather...If ain't these people, they wouldn't reflect the goodness in other people.
When dear told me on tue that k and i wrote in to cs to change their posting and all tt crap I already told her if my posting would to be shaken because of them, I wouldn't let the matter resolve. Ytd I received the bad news...Although the one affected wasn't me but Dear andrea was affected. U see I felt u. I knew it must have been hard on u n true enough u was crying yeah? But too bad...U called daniel n cried instead of me. hehe. Nvm. As long as u are fine :)
Well...Setting aside their selfishness, can't they be alittle ethical? If u really want to change, maybe at least ask ard if anyone is willing to swap with u? Well we don't know if cs would to change accordingly but at least u made the effort to ask ard before a bomb just suddenly landed on people. U know it's shi* to die w/o knowing the reason and who killed u. Just some big shots..
Dear, don't be biased. I think I'm quite complaining at times too. I read this article before abt why some people may be complaining all day long and that's because they are too STRESSED and demanding TOO MUCH. Well...So don't say he isn't like me. To a certain yes lah cuz he is a guy yet he is acting like a gal haha! But even a guy need emotional support at times right? Most guys who are really GUYS would not show or express out but as gals we can feel and sense it right? haha. But for him its different, he is not so manly so its unavoidable for him to expressly ask for emotional support right? haha! Yeah, he is unreasonable but who is reasonable when they are not happy with their life? Why must u really feel for him after all the hurts he have brought to us these 3 years? Let it go dear. Just don't care at all. He msg u, so be it. Don't let anything get to ur heart and make u feel so angry n all that. I don't feel angry bcuz of him but I feel angry because he made Andrea cried for 3 hrs. haha!!!
Wednesday, August 06, 2008
I just got back from sch. Hmm. Mrs Choo seemed very enthu about the changes we had made. I guess it comforted me and LL a lot ba. The only thing that really heard was gdgd it seemed good...it is nicer n all that. Although I'm pleased that my additional effort is somehow recognised for the TIME BEING but still I feel it's not very fair cuz u see...requirements for the project did not state all these. So this should be a niche people who can afford and have big dreams to do it but then why did she actually made it compulsory for everyone. It's not really abt $ but smtimes people who would prefer to do it manually right... It's the process that we work together as a grp that is important right? Why must everyone do likewise and it's her last minute expectation of us.
Once I opened the door just now...I saw three tops mum bought for me this morning. Well.. I went speechless. I'm touched cuz she thought of me when she was shopping but then I have this problem in me...unless smthing really captures my heart and make me think of it for cont hrs, days or wks (depending on the cost) then I would buy. This is to min the possibility of irrational buying. Well..So out of three only one kind black top kind of caught my eye (not heart haha) but I actually cannot wear that material cuz it doesnt absorb prespiration n it would cause rashes to my operation scar. Aiya...I don't know. I msg her and told her I appreciate everything but I prefer going shopping with her cuz at least she doesn't waste her $ like that. Well..Unless u are very sure I like that smthing then go ahead and buy if not better not. Like LL she knows I like that pair of ear ring when we were looking ard then she got for me secretly n that is already a suprise to me already ba. Don't ever take the risk. I'm hard to understand and figure at times esp when it comes to CLOTHING! haha! It's not if its branded or espirit...it's what that capture my heart. wahaha. Besides, I think I need to get formal wear already not all these tops. Btw, all she buy for me are very very sexy and exposing tops lor. I know she is VERY DARING but her daughter here abit like convent gal...haha!!! Unless I go out with someone whom i know can protect me and watch out for me, then I will go ahead. haha!
Hmm. Went out with my deAr...deEr ytd. We spent the whole day together which was one thing I have never thought I could have it. My schedule is still ok, but it's him who is so busy that I also felt so bad that he was so tired that his eyes were red n had to go out with me. Hmm. Then I only causually said I also feel bad for ben who is rushing cfas proj at hm n he as the leader is with me. haha! N then wah for 1 moment I thought I smelled vinegar. wahaha! Anyway, LL I walked from Cine to PS. hehe!! I wore high heels leh but it was quite ok actually. Think I did walk further than this before with Ke wei when we got lost at some places after an interview. haha! Hmm..Some people insulting me the whole day and wanted to push me down when I say "you want me to go prom that's why want LL go right?" haha! Seriously is that so? Don't have to be shy eh...haha! If I go, it would be bcuz of u.
Hmm...I'm so happy since ytd. It wasn't like my birthday cuz I wasn't bothered by anything. Birthday...I was like so scared, sad and yet forcing myself to be happy. But ytd was just being myself and feel u so near and close to me. Thanks dear. In fact I do think what will happen after IAP starts, but well...it doesn't affect me much cuz I know god has plans for me, u and us. Meanwhile, how can I help you get back the study mood? Tell me, and I'll do it for u. Not forcing you but this is this is the last exam already...Enjoy the process of studying and doing the exam. Happily leave the exam hall with a smile and go for ur scouts camp on 22nd n I guess I might be zzz. HAHA!!! U also...please rest. Told u...u cannot die before me. I don't care what fate is...I'm ur suicide partner rmb! The way u are treating ur physical by overworking is an act of suicide!
Dear LL and Andrea, all the best in ur revision for exam too! Take care. I love u two loads!
Monday, August 04, 2008
I woke up at 9am and read a msg that was sent last midnight which caused my heart to stop beating a sec. haha! I think Andrea is more suitable for that word. haha! Anyway, had breakfast and started reading my TR till 10 i guess n I dosed off on my bed till 11.30pm. haha! The maid was saying: "Jie jie, I cook! You eat?" haha!!! N she was so happy when I said ok. haha! Turned out I only opened my rm door at 1.30pm after intense revision of one chapter. She was so worried I don't want to eat. haha!
When I got too tired with revision, I thought abt things that were said n I smiled. haha! You seemed different. You feel different. Do you know that? I feel so.... haha. Well...I dont see HER as a threat to me. What matters more is that you clearly know what u want and that u r firm on ur stand. Maybe that's smthing I have yet to really feel and see it. Be true and honest to me. There's nth we can't talk. Still, I have complete trust in you.
Truths are plain and may hurt the most but it's something that is essential between ppl I truly cherish. Liling knows it. She is very blunt with her words lor. She won't need to beautify her words nor beat abt the bush. Just say what u feel or think. First time to be honest and true to urself or to someone? Gd for u :) I won't abuse ur trust.
Why am I so afraid to crush down and lose my heart again. I'm afraid to breakdown and lose my mind again. You got a way of easing me out of myself but I can't stay but I can't leave. You held me back. Words come over me.
Very funny. haha!!!
Sunday, August 03, 2008
It feels quite gd to rest for a few hrs in the afternoon. I think I slept from 4-7pm. haha! I think I really knocked off while flipping the mag guess it was the heatness at Auntie's church Feast day that was held in the CARPARK that made me so tired. but of cuz I haven't been really slping these days. haha! Anyway, today Auntie was shocked by how mum & I talked. Well..We were practically shouting at one another. She's frustrated when Auntie didn't pick up the call as all the coupon was with her but I told her I think they are in the church service now then she shut me off lor. I don't know lah. Auntie was holding on to me to assure me when she brought me to intro to her church frenz. Well...I'm really fine. I'm getting used to it or maybe Im really too tired to fight back and even if I fight back what do I get? It's ok like this. I'm her daughter.
Ytd was a crazy night for me. It felt as though I was interviewed and was forced to admit the 3 words which I have not admit it all these while. Well.. It feels so funny for me now. I just realised I ain't the master key holder... You are. I can't control anything but somehow u have a way in everything. I m happy because u are happy.
Everytime I want to leave, you bring me back.
Saturday, August 02, 2008
Few things happened today;
1. Mrs Choo said she allow me to re-do everything. Not sure abt the board game. We'll see but I have emailed her to clarify. Other than board game, the rest can re-do. So I will do my best. Not that I didn't put in my best, I did! But I don't know what she expects and wants but now that I know then wahahaha!!!
2. Seems like IAP CS like a lot of prob. Not sure cfm anot but aiya just leave it. May it be euro or no euro time or if its at raffles or changi. God has his plans.
3. I MET GERRY AT MRT STATION! And we chatted at the control station ffor half an hr before we settled at ther foodcourt for dinner then he sent me home. haha! We had a gd chat. Weird. Classmates for the whole sem but we would only smile n hi-bye in sch or if we see each other ard the neighbourhood but today...last day of sch...We actually sat down n talked abt everything. Both of us are shocked to know how alike we are. haha! Most import we both like economics. haha! He will be a competitor in the future. haha! Beginning he say u got A+ for TR?! wth...but then after he listen abt the effort n bla he said: "Yeah man, u deserve it more than me". haha!!! Nice to have another fren esp who stays near me. He is so nice. He fixed the A3 size thing for me!!! haha.
4. He did well for CFAS. I was so worried for him the whole day but I guess it is worthwhile cuz he really did well. Nothing matters more.
5. Today is the last day of sch what is gonna happen after today? I don't know. Let's see how it goes.
You said you like what we are now. You said you are happy with it but then u said what mislead me? What are u talking? Are u contridicting urself? You should have known by now that Im also not ready for more and im also happy with present right? You say u are not used to it, but do u like it? Are u doing this or saying these because of not hurting me? Or do u really meant and feel it? You don't have to do such things if its just for the sake of my interest. It's u that I care. As long as you are happy.
Gerry was talking abt he cooking for his love, dog which he wouldn't cook for himself. So I was saying: "Do u agree that unknowingly u would do so much more for someone which u might not do for urself?". He replied: " In economics, we make decisions with own interest but in love, we make decisions with interest of another. That's love." I was stunned by what he said.