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This may be long slow going...
How much do I want to be the in the presence of god?
To be in the presence of god...First of all I have to feel the call from god. So has he called upon me once again? All these while it felt as though I felt nothing or hear nothing from christ. Shameful to say but I'm drifting away from the enthu I once had last yr. I do have strong thirst of continuing as a catholic. Confirmation as a catholic was 1 decision which I have made w/o regrets. Somehow it's not so much of practical stuffs of what god has done for you in ur life but its more of how much god is growing in ur heart. The heart moves people to a certain direction and brings us to places we never thought there could be.
One critical way of feeling the presence of god is to stay focus in God. He is always there, around you even though you may not away of his presence.
It is human nature to rely on oneself as we are to a certain extend...Egoistic people. It's usually the case whereby things started going out of hands that we are reminded of him. I guess many people are like that...My own mum am like that but she doesn't realise the angels god has sent to her. She has not tried going into silence to really think and feel god's presence within her. As for me, I am to an extend an egoistic person cuz I don't like to rely on others totally. I feel and know that I have the capabilities to handle things myself however that's different in the eyes of god. We are and we have to be in total dependance in god. Well...I do realise the angels he sent to me all these while. All along these 3 yrs, there is someone always there may it sunshine or rain but someone came in to my life more prominent than any other people I meet at the right time helping me and strengthen me in many ways.
During the lesson, we also said that it is important to share any woes to someone who u trust; may it be your buddy or partner. It helps in lightening the burden and prevents one to depend on drinking or smoking as an escape of their troubles. In fact these are creating more troubles.
As a catholic, we believe that we ARE the temple of christ. Jesus lives within us in our heart. Each one of us has a mission and a role to make a difference in the society, people and urself. It is always good to affirm people and lessen our personal problem of being judgemental.
One thing came into my mind as we went thru this topic. I thought of marlin's scout brothers I met ytd at his god bro's birthday party. I felt alittle shameful as I did judge them. I felt uncomfortable and was rejecting them in my heart of what kind of person they are and what he said to Marlin. It also reminded me what the priest said today. TREAT PEOPLE WITH LOVE, RESPECT AND DIGNITY. Well.. No matter what kind of people they are...May it be lost sheeps of their life values; loyalty, they are still children of god. God loves them and they have their own means of deciding how they would want to lead their life.
Everyone has a mission and there is a similarity in the mission of a scout and a catholic which is...To put others before us. To help others before considering of ourself. To lessen down oneself and more of god and the calling. So is it possible to leave our comfort zone and go all out to help and understand people who are outcast? To what extend can we answer the call to help them of if not understand them? Im proud the Marlin does not give up on them nor does he judge them. However unknowingly he is doing what his sister was doing. He is taking things all on his shoulders. Yeah, it's unavoidable to feel sad for he is lost and drifting away but instead of dwelling of his actions, go to the fundamentals; the root of the cause. Wolf said it doesn't matter what a person does, what's most import is what's the purpose or aim of doing something.
Somehow I felt it's god's calling to him to learn something he is lacking and that is to let go and accept the fact of ever changing world and people with the ability to cont helping and understanding where they are coming from. He is always helping people, never gives up on people and even understands everyone but its his emotions which is affecting him. When things doesn't seem as positive, be humble as god will show us the way and teach us what should be done. God will help you, and we have to open our doors to him.
Marlin,
I know scouts is your life and I support that. Do not be affected by what others say of ur purpose in life but also do not expect people to be like you. You told me my best fren isn't like me...I'm driven to achieve and climb high but she has other means in her life. So same goes for u, not everyone goes into scoutings with the same values, interests and perseverance. As for us, whether is it u want to focus on me totally when we are out together or me wanting to know what's going on in ur life with your brothers...Bottomline, is the love that bonds us together and we are driven by that. However if things turn rocky at times and when passion is weakening, don't give up. With god, everything is possible.
Love,
Marlinne
Thursday, September 25, 2008
There's something that is coming back to me again & again these days. Few months back, I got to know someone who felt that happiness is everything. May it be he himself being happy or people around being happy. I guess that's something he changed me. Since young, I was taught to do what is necessary and wanted by myself or people. Happiness I may experience are within what I do but bottomline...I may or not feel happy doing what I was doing at that point in time. It was more of comforting myself that Im happy with what Im doing.
So this person changed me and made me see how important it is to be happy cuz when u are happy everything ard u seemed positive no matter how bad things may become or how tiring are the things that u want to do. Even my mum started to see this light in life. I guess its religion too ba. She realised her daughter's happiness matters more than alot of things and thus she supports whatever I want or wish to do and she's always there when I need advise or assurance with things like...Will I be dislike by his family? Don't know.
Anyway, when I got to know this person who get attracted to gals who smiles happily and truly...I find him naive cuz I feel that in the world...Whats so much to be happy abt? We live in a harsh world...However, as time passes I understood what he meant. Life is not abt just doing what is necessary or what u would want to achieve...Is all abt...Being happy? At the end of the day.. Are you happy with what you achieved? And most importantly, in the mids of pursuing these achievements, are u happy? Last sem...Things were tough but I was glad to have 3 angels always with me.
One is happily carrying out mtgs one level ahead of me, another is happily immerse of a new life and the other...hmm..Happily in love? haha! I dont know.
Well..Im happy today. I met my dear after 1 month! I MISS U DEAR LILING!!! N im so happy to see you! So sorry that I cant stop talking and sharing my life to u. I want u to know how happy Im now just like how u want me to be happy for u! Rmb, I LOVE U! No matter how hard things are, you can always count on me. I will be the shelter in your rain. I will help you find your smile back again. I will never walk away from you. Whenever u feel afraid, I will always be there when u call my name. Call or msg me anytime! TAKE CARE.
Sunday, September 21, 2008
What could be our vision or purpose in our life? I was reading a religious book so well it says its about living the way god planned for us. Accomplish mission he has for us and to love the known and unknown. Somehow it is related to a question I hear often... What's my purpose of being there? I seemed extra or transparent. Well... I guess everyone do want to have the sense of belonging to a certain extend. It the character of ppl that differentiate the extend of how much that person needs to have it. Uncle Jimmy once mentioned before that we are currently having our "holiday" which supports the saying "One life, live it" so when our TIME IS UP, we will have to go home and back to the arms of christ.
Although we can't deny the fact that many of us are too immersed in our own stuffs and places god back behind our minds or only remembers him at times of darkness, but I guess its only when we are rejected by people we care and love would we think and need god. It's sad to say that but it's true. Well. I don't know if she does think abt god's love and care for her when she said that. Yes her purpose in the household maybe of certain role and I understand the feeling of being taken for granted or not appreciated. Well..We are sensitive creatures which we may or not misunderstand their body language or way of expressing their emotions to us. Well... Though u might seemed or appear extra or transparent to mankind but u aren't in the eyes of god. You are his creation, his love.
I don't know if they really do express it such a way but for me personally...I don't like mixing around with them. Just uncomfortable. The things that they say... How proud yet naive they are in matters. However, I see one thing gd abt them tough I dont receive from them. The aunties are very protective to their nieces and nephews even though they like teasing them. Well... but maybe to a certain extend that they are blinded with their protective nature. Whether they are right or wrong, you have to say they are right and admit ur fault. Well... They are just straight forward people I guess.
Now away from married women... What about single women? What's their vision and purpose of their life? Since young, I was drill to have a vision and continuous goals in my life or in whatever I do...So if u ask me what is my vision in life I guess I could give u a list of different categories. Firstly, I do hope to have a job on my own. What's the different between career n job. I say job bcuz I do not want my brain to slow down, I want to keep it active by working and I want to be financially independent to a certain extend. Although it has been a dream to be someone like my auntie but yes working towards it but wouldn't demand myself to make it up there. Do my best and be happy with my own keep :). Secondly, I would want a family on my own. I guess all women would still need a partner or maybe that's me. I don't know. Thirdly, I want to know more abt god and keep up my faith in him though it may be tough from time to time. Fourth, the purpose of my life isn't to attain achievement but to learn and experience the process while working hard. In terms of interpersonal r/s, I want to put in my best and cherish everyone that is around me. It's about the attitude at the end of the day.
However, it's always easier said than done. What if things doesn't go with the flow and isn't in line with ur vision, purpose and expectations? May it be the consequences of ur actions or external means... How will one react? How will I react? Seriously I know I will just break down and stand up again but the scar will always be in me.
I don't know how to help because I have not gone through that before but I know no matter how bad things are or even if u have to face the ugly side of the consequences by the actions of both parties, I will be there to help you stand up and be the confident gal I always know. Take care.
I once fell in love with someone whom I was willing to give my all but it wasn't what I thought I felt it was so I forced myself back and just when I was in controlled he showed me the way again. Time flies and we have been together for a mth. Things are never bad and the feeling is strong. Whatever sacrifice we both made for each other, I hope we won't regret in the future. My heart says I want to spend as long as it could be with u.
Friday, September 19, 2008
TGIF...Everything seems so wonderful and positive today. I'm happy and excited about every single thing. I wonder why but maybe its just a fact that Im looking forward to saturdays now adays. In the past, saturdays used to be a boring day for me. I would give tuition in the morning and the rest of the day depends on my parents plans but now I have my own plans. Although I prefer to follow his lead than to decide on everything but yeah...its something that excludes parents. haha!!! In chinese there's this saying..."Er ren shi jie" means like dating I guess. It's just both of us that matters. Somehow to me...Even though if a couple is together but with a group of frenz, it is still different as compared to just the couple. Well.. At least to me, when there are other people around I tend to restrict or hold back myself which I don't like. Hardly we can be together for slightly more time...I guess I just want to let go...relax and be absorbed in the presence of u yeah? haha!
This week I was shown to what TEAM WORK is all about. May it be mistakes made or improvement in performance...It's always WE and not pin pointing to a single person. Seldom in school u will encounter that or maybe somehow most of the time its me who does most of the stuffs which made me felt like Im selfish? haha! I don't know. Well..but this is really a gd experience and learning point for me to refresh the meaning of TEAM WORK to me. haha!
It's the heart that tells you who would stay in your heart. So am I one who will stay in ur heart or just someone whom u are destined to meet? I was asked by someone just now and it seems firmilar to me. Was it me who directed this question to before? Was it u liling? haha!!! I always believe how someone really feels ba. Just like in the past I told my mum... I don't want promises because if you know u cant fufill them then don't give me empty promises. I told her even if I get married...the cert of Marriage is just a written promise which can be enforced by law if the any parties would to breach the promises. Although most gals knows that but yet they would still hope for it because more or less its a collateral to them to be assured and i guess it acts as a security to them. I guess I have always been like that all along HOWEVER these few mths I was telling liling all I care is whats the heart feels and says because its the heart that will prompt the person to go forward with what is to be done. It may also be the reason for the person to persist on in whatever he/she does.
I will follow my heart and reduce the fact of my rational thinking. Since I have taken the high risk and accepted the uncertainities I will face in my life, I should face the music with courage. May things turn more positive or negative in the future, at least I know Jesus loves me and I will love him by loving people ard me.
Don't walk too fast, I may not be able to keep up. Don't walk too slow, I may not want to lead. Walk beside me and embrace what we own now. Ilu.
Life is filled with uncertainties. May it be in the weather, your working environment, interpersonal relationship with people, and especially the economy. Since I started learning economies, I was told to learnt to live with uncertainities and if able...Take advantage of the uncertainities to your gain. I guess somehow somewhat Im coping well with that however up till date Im still unable to live well and take advantage of the uncertainities in interpersonal relationship. I have always thought that I trust people easily and a lot but somehow like... Some part of me is holding back now and then... Was it because of past encounterments that made me like that? Somehow I just don't express out how I really feel inside neither could I really say it out. Maybe writing out is the best. Well.. High risk, high return. I took the risk to allow myself fall in love over and over again with the same person even though there were times I held myself back and insult myself but now that Im committed to that person somehow there are different sets of uncertainties... Im living with it by loving the person with all I have, give all I could and share what is for both of us. It's so sweet and wonderful that sometimes I wonder if ever he will get sick of me soon... Today he mentioned Im blind to love him but I felt...I guess he is blind to love me. On my side, I don't see anyone besides him or maybe bcuz I didnt look at others in an open mind or maybe its just god's plan to have both of us together. Sometimes I wouldnt want to ask him because no ans is a model ans. So since its love that bring both parties together then we should use feelings; love to solve the qn that is in us.
Similarly, the fact that lehman had filed for bankrupt, their major counterparty; AIA suffered badly. As such, a domino effect is seen within the weakening and fall of investment banks in US. This morning Morgan Stanley was also reported to be selling their shares of welcoming a merger. Well... So who is gonna be the next party? I guess that greatly depends on who is their major counterparty and they will be the one who will suffer the most. However, what's the key factor in this problem. In r/s, the key factor is the feeling; the love. In financial crisis, the key factor should be the economy. I was thinking... Somehow or rather people are now focusing on how to help or react to the falling or weakening of these investments banks. Yeah, its true that its the falls of these investment banks that caused HK, Japan, US, China and SG's stock market to crash but what's the main problem here? The main problem is that... The economy of US itself isn't strong enough to withstand the various changes in the market conditions. The two economy which had been "in recession" all these yrs; Japan and US are obviously getting from bad to worst. Well... On the other hand, taking a smaller perspective of the impact of financial crisis, I guess we'll have to pray for the anxiety and stress the employees of these companies are facing.
Well... Im glad I do have spare time to keep myself up to date with news during work time. Im glad my they are ok with me doing music theory or reading news in the night time. Well because they know I work very hard and they also know they can count on me anytime as long as they call me :)
Marlin,
Tell me that you love me, tell me that you care, tell me that you need me and I'll be there for u.
Love,
Marlinne.
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
Yesterday was the first time I actually feel the rush and pressure when the volume was high. I guess I will have to be prepared for such events esp for those specific dates. Just now I was told I did alot today. I was happy actually cuz my efforts are recognised. However, I actually made a mistake but she told me no worries it is a minor mistake. I should look at the other side that I actually did speed up and know how to settle issues w/o her help. Im glad :)
Next mon may or may not be a bz day for me as she will be on leave and I gave her my word just now that I will NOT fail her and I will make sure she will be pleased when she comes back on wed. Still...None of us here know the volume on mon and issues which may come to us but still if Im not that bz...I will definately hope to have a memorable 1 hr with my special one as it is a special day for both of us. Nevetheless, I still hope not to make him wait for him. Apart that he is tired and hungry, Im more worried that 2nd hand smoking will kill him! haha!
Received my results on mon and I am very suprised that I did very well and actually even better last semester. Well..I really unexpected! Till today...When I think back...I really don't know why I will do well. Maybe there's some prob in school system or smthing. haha! JK. I guess its god's work lah...I thought I would not be able to maintain my gpa of last semester. I guess my mum is very proud now. So well...Proud of me or proud of herself that her daughter did well? Not that I think too much but she asked so when m I going to treat her so ya...she thinks I have to thank her for the results. Yes of cuz I have to thank her for the financial support she gave me all these while but other than that...She quarrelled with me and gave me a hard time emotionally in my darkest moment when I was struggling with my studies. If I would to thank people for my results...I would thank 5 people...
Praise the lord!
Dear Liling, thanks for ur unconditional care and patience in me.
Dear, I love you. Muack.
Andrea, thanks for being my study buddy all these while. Im glad you did well this sem too.
Auntie, thanks for ur help and advises in my work.
haha! Actually most of them or none of them would see it but yeah god knows Im truly very appreciative of them for playing an import role in the road of pursuing my academic. May it be emotional or academic wise...
Everyday of our lives, wanna find you there, wanna hold you tight.
Sunday, September 14, 2008
I just came back from a 2D1N trip from Malacca with parents. Initially I felt very reluctant cuz I felt that I deserve rest and fun after a week of work but then now thinking back what I have experience...It's WORTHWHILE! The trip was tiring but it was eventful. I guess I have definately put on weight lor. haha! We would always be in the bus for more than 30 mins after every meals to reach to another church so well...I will always be zzzzzzzz. So ya, Im like a pig. Slp and eat. haha!
Jesus carried his cross and died with numerous insults and pains but what hurt most wasn't his external injuries nor his pride, it was his heart. The cross he was carrying was the moral sins we people had committed but we carried on our ignorant and arrogant ways to him yet he forgave us and love us. So is there anything we can do for Jesus? Although it is true that we shouldn't expect anything in return but still...Well..I guess for me it would be to carry my cross despite the difficulties and obstacles we might face in life. I will be receiving my exam results tml and I know I won't perform as well as I have expected myself to do and also not as well as compared to my past sem. I know it from how I do my exam. I wasn't as firm and confidence and things weren't as smooth and positive as compared to last sem. So well...If tml doesn't turn out well then I guess its also a cross I would have to carry. Short term unhappiness and disappointment should not afect my life too much nor cast me out of the happy life Im leading now.
Carrying the cross in my life...In fact it implies to various aspects in whatever I do and work for now. May it be things that I have and am making it better or things that have yet to attain and am still working hard for it but bottom line it's to love people while in the process of achieving all these. Well..It's meaningless to lose people u love for materialistic things. Seriously, veron told me this...Does statues matters to u that much if you attain it on the expense of losing ppl dear and close to u? Not that I have the statues now but its what I see in my future. I have approx 5 months to seriously consider my future. If i should go straight to uni or should I sign contract or shld I just start working first? I don't know.
On the other hand...Carrying the cross in my life may also imply to the attitude and my day to day dealing with situations and people in my life. Actually there are lots to reflect on but somehow hard to really spell it out one by one here. Maybe wait till I really sort out my thoughts i guess.
Anyway, there's one thing that is exploding out ba. How is it like to be with someone that is not of the same religion as u? How will it be like what it reaches to a point whereby both parties are planning for marriage and yet religion is an obstacle to them? I personally wouldn't give up my own religion for marriage but the thought that I would be like a fren's niece... Haiz. Is this a choice between god and human "wants"? Well...I guess even in the future if my partner is willing to give up his religion for me...I would not be really happy. I guess what matters most if he really wants to be a catholic and am going ahead with the religion. I guess it shares the same logic as to giving up drinking and smoking for me. I don't believe or trust people who says if u don't like me doing these, u have to tell me...To me...Tell him so? He will stop doing all these? It's like Im forcing him to not do whatever he like to do or want to do. So where's the freedom? I don't know. I rather he knows his own limitation and controls.
Tuesday, September 09, 2008
The beginning of my second week...I seemed more energetic than last monday. Guess I did have sufficient rest as compared to last week after the long overseas trip. Well...Today had been quite ok. I was given a stack of work to do but yeah I could complete it on time with only a minor mistake in 1 of them. hehe. Getting the hang of it already. I hope I won't be as gan cheong like my previous one.
What is the definition of hurts? What is the definition of memories? Past positive encounterments are considered good memories then what about past negative encounterments?Are there really such things as BAD memories? Actually I thought the word memories should be used positively but don't know why people are frequently using it negatively including myself. Well..Bad/Negative memories does hinder someone to go for something/someone or even have the courage to face up what is coming up in their life. No matter how positive things are currently, how assuring or how wonderful are things, one would actually fall back to where he/she fell. Maybe you can say it's because we have not got over where we have fell or maybe can we say it's really the fear of going through the impacts of these bad encounterments once again...
I'm sorry if its unfair to u. I'm truly happy. My life is complete with you dear. You said you didn't consider much when u decided to start this r/s and so Im telling u although I appear to be the one who step into ur life first but still i thought alot of being serious and committed to u. I knew Im afraid of what endings. I wonder if I could handle it once again to let go what was once mine. I need time to convince my rational thoughts eh. My heart knows and trust u but my mind isn't as cooperative. haha!
My ans to u...Yes, I feel as though Im treated like a princess and Im truly happy. What about u?
Saturday, September 06, 2008
I have survived through the first week of it and well... My body time clock is still trying to adjust to the right mode. I guess its still quite alright to some extend as I don't slp early but well gastric problem is acting up frequently as the timing for my meals are soo irregular. haha! Nvm, I'm sure my body could adjust to it soon. I hope...
I'm glad it's friday already and tml is sat!!! Dating!!! haha. My mum called my sat as a day for dating which I find it damn weird that my mum is pushing her daughter to someone else. She seems more excited and happy than myself. So tml...I have to give tuition from 9-12pm and then 12.30pm would be my dental appt. Hope it doesn't hurt to clear the dead nerves in my tooth. Guess I will come home and clean my rm or complete my piano hmwk or zzzzzz!
Today I was reminded of what Nicole said to me in the past. In the past, I was very negative abt r/s but she's happily in love so well she analysed with me the advantages of having a bf. The love, care, special moments, warmth and many many more but still I was very negative abt it. To me, hurts means everything. The feel of unfaithful or betrayal can kill. Is this selfish or possessive for not hoping something will not end or the fear of losing it? Nicole mention when both parties sacrifice time to spend time together, it is special and memorable. HOWEVER I tend to think abt the negative side of it too. I felt...yeah, it's special and memorable in the beginning but will it become a reason for the split between the couple in the future that they find it absurd to sacrifice time with their frenz for their partner and felt that their partner seemed possessive or sticky? Soon...One may think the other may be becoming demanding. So what is what? I guess bottomline I hope what is done now wouldn't become the regrets in the future.
Thursday, September 04, 2008
Have you heard this saying; "Learning never ends with age"? I guess that's very true. Although for me its not abt ageing but its more like...I can't be complacent with whatever that I have learnt or learnt these 3 days. That's not all. There are new things to learn everyday and well..Like it or not. I guess its more of individual preferences. Some may prefer challenges or new stuffs daily but some may prefer mundane jobs. It got me thinking today what type of person I am then? Do I like an ever changing environment or stick to the core and do the same old thing everyday? Well..The most basic for females would be a choice to be a housewife (mundune) or cont working (ever changing) and the step up its the different job scope which one would be assigned to in the working environment. SO WELL...Which category do I myself belong to? I don't know. let's set aside UNCONDITIONAL love and be realistic...Am I those who are 100% willing to be a hsewife? Is that my call? Inversely, am I those who can take the ever changing environment in the work place? I don't know.
I didn't breathe a single word today cuz u had ur own probs and well...I was too happy to see u and have a break from work to actually be down cast by such things. Well...I just hope u are as happy that we could have time together and yeah I know its hard to realy get along with people at home but yeah, if I can do it, u can too. It takes time, patience and endurance. I know u will be able to do that in time to come cuz u r filled with love. Cheers :)
I was wondering...Although currently two parties are kind of leading a similar life but in the future it might be different. One may be rushing deadlines while the other may be enjoying his life slowly...Let's put aside inferiority, so what if the guy found someone who could acc him all the time and do all the things he like with him and enjoy their life together? Veron did tell me...she know what was my worry...Though both are pursuing our their dreams & passion and that is what is alike between both parties but its still different cuz the gal is not accompanying him to pursuing his dreams. As compared to say...the gal is the guy's personal assistance in his work? So well...There's a DIFFERENCE. Yeah, its a fact that all of us shouldn't think too far but what if these are the things that are affecting one party currently? I don't know and so be it.
Tuesday, September 02, 2008
My first day of IAP which marks the start of my last semester in NP. Met auntie before reporting to work. She was so excited and forcing out all kinds of information from me and she's so happy for me but she reminded me im not even 20 better go step by step. I replied of cuz I really don't know what will happen in the future and maybe he would really run away from my mum's over aggressive behaviour and actions. Well... Anyway, it felt comforting and assuring to meet her before I report to work. She just have this influence in me which makes me believe I have the capabilities and should go forward w/o worries.
My 5 days trip to thailand, changmai...Laughters, eating, slping, shopping and missing what is not by my side. I wonder why but I slept alot for the first 2 days haha. It seemed like I hadn't slp for mths but well I was kind of recharged by the 3rd day. Not bad. Anyway, couldn't really slp well too cuz the road was so uneven and the travelling felt very bumpy. So I sat there thinking for 4 hrs abt everything. The more I think, the more scared I become so well I end up not thinking rationally and feeling what was it like in those arms once again.
Whom you guided me with your wisdom and strengthen me with your love. Love is how the heart imagines. You admire my parents for being so loving even after 5 yrs of marriage so what do u see of us in the future? It takes two hands to clap. Unless we can maintain the fact that both of us assume the role as a taker and giver, if not things won't last in the future. Thanks for the golden roses. Yes, its a dream to me. I didnt know there could really be two people at different end of a country dreaming abt the same thing since the ad.
Tonight,I feel close to you. You open my door and light the sky above. When I need a friend, you are there right by my side. I wish we could stay as one.