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Its gonna be emotional here.
Tears are flowing as I type. Im feeling very unwell. I think my last time having fever was last semester right BEFORE my first WISP presentation if Im not wrong. I woke up early in the morning preparing to go to sch to realise that my head was so heavy and my whole body was burning. Tested my temperature and realised it was 39 degrees. I called mum and she gave me attitude. After that i called LL and I cried like hell.
Same thing but tonight Im crying on my own here. Maybe because it has not reached 39 degrees yet but I hope panadol could bring it down so tt i could at least get through saturday well and sound.
Maybe Im like a turtle that when I sense danger, I would hide my head in my shell once again. Likewise, when I feel change in the environment and sense hurts, I'll go back into the shell so that the hard shell could protect me. If I would to be kicked away... I will stand up and walk through my days once again. However, though the pace of my life ain't anything like a turtle but it certainly seems like the turtle internally. It takes time to feel or heal.
Whether or not im hurt internally or externally, I will pass through physical and emotional hurts to move forward to attend to everything tml and complete my piano theory exam and then lead my group with their project and go be back in the arms of Jesus by evening.
Passer by or to stay and remain?
What's the logic behind?
The logic stays in you, and the question stays in me.
Maybe words are said too early even before you even experience it in life.
Thursday, October 30, 2008
Change/uncertainty is the only thing that is constant. Previously this statement was used to describe the economy. How volatile and negative is the working of the economy. However, I guess that applies to what is going around me starting from tuesday.
I was made to see the cruelity on this practical world. It reminded me of what Gerry was said; "Love is doing the best for the other person, but when it comes to economics, it is doing the best for yourself". Thus in such cases, love or feelings are set aside, what matters most are the figures and the books which reflects your competitveness in the current market. It's sad to see these. The whole atmosphere around is so stiff and uneasy.
She is afraid she might be the one after her leave on friday. Well..I really pray hard it won't be her. I guess it won't be fair to her neither would it be for me. I will just pray hard for ppl who were left with no choice and others who are anxious and filled with anxiety.
Dear Marlin,
I'm sorry to have expressed my uncertainty about giving you the best and felt bad to you. You know how it felt now when you kept saying Im doing alot for you and you feel bad and so in the past? To you, its the little things I do to maybe materialistic things that you would feel bad and to me, its the unconditional love which I have always been dreaming and hoping to have which you are giving me that Im afraid that when things changes, I will break into pieces.
These days again and again the perfectionist nature comes out of me reminding the fact that you wasn't exactly the one who wooed me. I guess I don't have the perfect and dreamed type of courtship with you but being with you in a relationship now has always been what I dreamed and hope for since young.
I know its hard for you to come all the way to meet me daily and yet I would come down late and rather tired most of the time. Im so sorry. I know all you want is to be happy and spend time with me but I really cant be as happy and cheerful when Im really tired esp u know many things are happening in there and I have to cope with lots of stuffs. The real force will be in dec when Im alone meeting all the deadlines. I need you alot! Yet I hope Im not being selfish to need you yet couldn't really be with you.
Marlin, I love you.
Sunday, October 26, 2008
I guess god helped me to stay awake during church sermon today. Despite the monotone and crooked mandrian of Fr, I was still able to really be patient to really listen and focus on the gd news he has to share with us.
The most important commandment is to love god with your whole heart, mind and soul and the upcoming one is to love your neighbour like how you love god and urself.
Something came into my mind immediately. I remembered what both Marlin and I was talking about. It's my pride that is holding me back. I guess its natural to have negative about people but I should continue to try (ever trying) to love whoever like how you love yourself and god. Maybe this is a start for me to embrace the situation and see it more positively instead of feeling damn idiotic about what had happened. Whatever happened on fri made me realised alot of things about myself. People were right. I'm competitive, pride-ful and maybe what are the people I can't tolerate. I guess knowing your weakness its the best way to improve urself as you can watch over urself.
Maybe you might think Im just being competitive to agree to work on mon but I guess apart from that...U do know I enjoy doing payments especially during peak days yeah? It may be tiring and the pressure is there, but that's where the satisfaction comes in when you complete stacks and stacks of stuffs within that certain time-frame.
Ytd we went to watch HSM 3 and I cried for the third time. I rented the previous 2 series and sat there crying infront of the tv at home. Ytd, I tried to control but still it went flowing down when I saw how Gabriellla gave him a farewell kiss but claimed that it is a gd night kiss.
1. Let's not say whose results are better and the chances we have to enter university and which university but then its the choices that are displayed to us that requires us to make a decision.
2. I know you will encourage me like how Troy did. It's the best way for me but I will also reply like what Gabriella said...My life has always been like that...Planned and in line, can't I just be wild for once.
3. Being with you and starting a r/s with u despite the fact that I know we have numerous of obstacles ahead is a wild decision which I have made in my 19 yrs n I won't regret.
4. Will I cry and hurt so badly if Im forced to breakup to lessen the pain to leave u again and again n not see u?
5. Will you do what Troy did to go after her and assure her despite the distance away? Will you keep your word that you would do whatever you can to keep me by ur side?
6. Not so much that I would give up this r/s for my dreams but when I feel insecure and hopeless, will u be there to affirm me and not to push me away or let me go in order for me to pursue my dreams?
7. A r/s or having a partner is not like taking up an activity, it's smthing constant in ur life and in you. Just like a family that no matter what happens in the future, the fact that my mum's blood is running in me doesn't change.
8. In the beginning of the show when Troy lost his strength to fight on in the basketball match and Gabriella strengthen him inspired me to be the one who would stand by you to fufill your dreams too. I might not be into scouts even till now. There's no reason why so but I accept scouts as it's u and in u.
Friday, October 24, 2008
TGIF Thank God Is Friday! While in the cab ytd, our colleague asked us how we both of us are coping, and she exclaimed she don't why but both of us are very tired this week. I laughed despite being quiet and almost dosing off in the whole ride. She had to resolve many problems with her other stuffs while I concentrate on just payables. I'm really glad to say I resolved quite a number of issues which we encounter. Hoho... Without her help leh... Most important...I was able to get back the funds back! wahahaha!!!
Usually head will say CHEERS or sometimes thanks when we need his verification but ytd he called me sweety. I almost fainted. haha! He is really very encouraging as compared to the past whereby a minor admin differences will lead to a 2 hrs lecture.
It's the end of the day week... I'm looking forward for my long weekend. In fact ytd I offered to go back to work cuz I realised our colleague who sometimes help us is on leave so well I thought of going back but she say NAH...Go on holiday when u still can. Dec will be it whereby u have to work non stop. omg! haha.. Wonder if Im going meet him on mon or maybe he is too tied up with his stuffs.
I have expected things will progress such a way but I didnt expect the fondness of the heart could be that great. The feeling if missing someone and very much want the person to be with u right at the moment is so great. haha! But I guess its a gd training. After I could manage this...When he is really away for his ns, Im able to cope no matter what. haha! Or maybe by then I will be bz with my career woman attitude to juggle with both work and uni at the same time. Then by weekend, I will be the silly gal of his naturally. wahahahah!!!
Well...Sometimes do we people just feel uncomfortable with other people? May it be their way of presenting themself? Or asking help from people? Or the way they communicate with people. I felt as though I was being questioned and doubted but I guess many of my frenz who described me as like a teacher, might also feel it that way. Im so sorry!!! Cuz now I know how it feels...It is sick! Esp with people ard observing... Sometimes when she pin point and all tt...I will usually look at her for assurance or confirmation. Sometimes...Why can't people just mind their own business and try not to be smart? It's ok to be smart, but it's not ok to try and act to be smart.
Making the best out of the time I have with you and just only you.
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
I feel a sign of a relief... I find it weird but its the truth... I saw the entry posted in her blog 2 days ago. Finally since the exams were over... I'm glad she coping well even after the merger. Yes, its bz for her but Im glad she is taking at her own strike and willing to move forward esp with her bf supprting her. I guess that's the power of love. I'm really happy she's doing fine but why am I still...Aiya, I don't know.
Currently there's still her ard, which made things easier to cope. I can settle ad hoc and frontling stuffs immediately or rather PEACEFULLY but soon...I would have to handle everything myself. Well... Today I tried to do investigation myself too..hehe! Improving eh... haha! I think there' smthing that BH really left for me before he left FI. The very last thing he said to me when I was doing an investigation with him was; "Eh clever, someone improve ler hor". haha! I guess it kinds of encouraged me that I shouldnt fumble or feel tooo depressed by the mistakes I made but to learn and do even better in the future. Say for instance, achieving both speed and accuracy.
They were discussing what's gonna be like in FI and she was saying maybe if Im willing they will cfm me. Well..Maybe yes or no. I don't know. Maybe ppl think im nth but troubles? haha. jk!
Well...she mentioned in her entry that when she's back hm resting, her bf will be working. Seems slightly like what's going on for me but the char are in the oppo sides. When Im working, he's resting. She misses him alot as they could hardly meet up but she assured him that its the bond and faith that would remain even if they hardly meet.
I guess...Soon to come...It will be my turn. It maybe the case he couldnt meet me or I couldnt meet him. I think most likely I will be skipping dinner or storing my drawers with cup noodles. I really wonder how m I going to handle peak dates such as the beg, mid and end of the mth on my own. I wonder...
It is the truth that we don't have to be 24/7 connected with ur partner via phone or etc nor do we need to meet up and be with the person always but seems weird that even the simplest thing with ur special one could be so wonderful and touching. Im really understanding the meanin behind what was said in the drama bull fighting now.
Whether if things are happy, sad or irritating, thats the one u would think n feel of. When she msg me to change timing for the whatever thing she had arranged on that sat, I only replied her "Anything". She ask me not to be shy n tell her if I have smthing on...I replied her "It's ok". Well...She shld know what are my plans that day. We were talking abt it on sun night again n again and now she is like testing if I could push away my stuff n accomodate her timing. FORGET IT. U want it ur way so have ur way. That sat after ur plan, I'll just go home and slp. Fine. Even if I have no other plans, that's it. Enough is enough. Don't always use me as ur reason to avoid the in laws. Once or twice I can understand and be there for u but its weekly im sorry... Even if I dont have my own life, I rather lock myself in my room n slp. I said countless times but being as stubborn like u I know u wont hear of it. U would still want it UR WAY so let it be.
Im tired to fight for all of these. It makes me feel like crying when I felt as though I cant spend time with the one whom I really want to be with. Although I know she don't mean to not let me meet ppl I want to meet, but its a fact that she's putting her interest and needs first. Fine then, I owe you and u always say if there won't you, there won't be me.
Sunday, October 19, 2008
There's this saying; "Treat people the way you want them to treat you". In fact this saying its also the acts of god. I guess what goes around, comes around so better watch the treatment you give to people around you. However, the problem here is... Not everyone does see how they treat people. I believe from time to time I become too clouded with my own intentions and REASONs that I neglected to consider the feelings of others.
It's natural and understandable for people to demand the other party to consider her choices and decision before making decision for them beforehand. I rmb once I was told if I would ever do something or make any decision beforehand w/o seeking for approval, I better watch out. It was just months ago before I was reminded to think and seek for approval before acting.
However today...Things are different. Maybe the fact that this person has the all the rights of me that my feelings or stands are neglected or maybe Im asking too much. You went straight to tell her and decided on things then inform me abt it. Honestly, if that's what you want and seek for then go ahead and do it, don't even need to tell me or attempt to hear my comments. Most of the time you are the one saying whereas Im following or acting on it. If I would to say otherwise, insults and unhappiness will be what I receive.
Likewise, if you have made it a point to have things in such a way then have it your way. Don't come explaining to me and pin point at whatever it is. Whether Im sad, angry, pissed or disappointed, I will handle it MYSELF. Don't even think of attempting to test the water after you have drank it.
You take people as a family, do you think people take you as a family? Can you just not scare people away... I will be left with nothing but an empty shell.
Why these 2 people whom I love most are rather different from time to time? They can be very positive yet negative at different times? I'm confused.
Can I just slp and not wake up? Can I not attend events which I don't wish to? Can I stop the feeling of bursting into tears? Can I not let emotional overcome me? Can I just work non stop? Can I just relax and let go all my controls and hold on and be a total bare self to myself and the one I love despite all the distractions from external factors? Why m I so bottled down?
Everytime when you are near, I can't help to think how fortunate and blessed I am but everytime I would think if im giving enough?
S.H.E's new song did mention something... "You leave me because you felt that I love u more and that there is nothing you can give me in return". I'm scared. I hope such thing wouldn't happen to me.
Im so emotional now. Idiot me.
Thursday, October 16, 2008
Just had my supper...What's for supper? A pear. haha! Actually I can eat alot now cuz Im so stressed and drained mentally and physically.
It was a wonderful chance for me to settle the ad hoc, frontline and current stuffs. I was entrusted to many stuffs and Im glad for it...But...Well just hope there will be someone to really assist me in dec ba. No matter how much I want to go for my dreams, I can't get over what's on my heart. I know what I am doing and I know you are there to support so don't push me away by saying you are hindering my dreams. When I say u are not, then u are not.
I guess the one thing that really attracted both of us is how driven we are to pursue our dreams and goal so I hope that will NOT be the reason for us to split. I guess its gd for me to have someone to hold me back when I get too obssessed in my dreams. In fact I wouldn't say its holding back but a reminder that I need rest and my meals and when with you, I feel more on the ground than when Im working. I don't seem to be really feeling the things around me. I'm just working non stop and be immune to the surrounding.
Have you ever feel hurt when someone mention the name of a fren of urs? I wonder why I feel it this way these 2 days. These 2 frenz meant to be the best frenz of mine but these days things doesn't seem like it. I missed of of them alot actually. From time to time, there are things tt reminded me of her but I know she's very bz thus dont wish to disturb her but haiz... What should I do? I guess to a large extend...Im holding on to my pride. I do not wish to take the first step to contact her first esp after trying and doing so much in the past. haiz...
When with you, I'm complete. When with you, my heart smiles. When with you, im alive despite how tired I am on the outside.
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
Ten breathe in, breathe out before I start ranting out...
Dear, why say urself like that? U aren't any of them. Wolf once said before, its not what you do but why you do these for. I know why u do these for that's why I'm still following and accompanying you where ever you want to go. It's not being selfish or maybe I don't really plan much when u ask abt sat plans. Although we have to admit I don't have to plan because when weekends comes nearer, u have plans popping out from all places. Honestly, that's one reason I don't want to plan because I know what person I am. I will feel damn disappointed abt it thus I guess its best for me to take whatever it is and be happy.
You have always been trying to understand me but maybe u stll can't figure out what is in me. You might think Im not showing you what's real in me nor do I want to share what I think or feel but do u know smthing? You are thinking and wandering too much. I'm just what you see in me most of the time. You concentrated too much on everything except what's right infront of u. Don't you worry cause we r going thru this together. We will iron out what is best for us.
Shen ruo He once said... "If you won't give up, I won't give up" but Hebe asked; "What if I give up?" He replied; "I will still never give up".
If my love story is a basketball match, I will play the best basketball game ever and not give up before the last ball had been thrown in. Don't give up, and I won't give up.
It's god's plan that brought two people living in two different world together. It's love that brought both together and its the heart with god's blessing that union both people as one.
I love u, Marlin. Smile :)
Monday, October 13, 2008
Bible study ytd was kind of cosy cuz there's only four of us. Auntie Susan and clare was saying they didnt expect that the persistant onces who would come every month would be me and clare's sister. haha! For me, its because of my tight schedule and for her sister its because she's a newfied so might not be as willing and on going to come for lessons.
Anyway, previously I was saying I don't feel the presence of god somehow and I felt that it might be due to my fast pace in life that I didn't slow down to listen to his callings of be in silence to feel his presence but still I know he is there for me always. Auntie Susan said in fact it is normal and this isn't a prove that my faith has weakened. It has in fact improved.
She was saying that the young spring faith in many people are very over whelmed by the holy spirit. The feelings and emotions are very strong and everything is about Jesus. However, when you start developing a deeper r/s with god, you might not feel so much of the emotions or stirring of the heart but it doesn't mean God does not live in ur heart. In fact he is living inside your heart and you can be overwhelmed with all the feelings and emotions once again if you would to slow down and feel him.
I'm relieved.
What was said also caught me thinking about him. There will be a day whereby our feelings might not be so overwhelming but I hope he won't think that he doesn't love anymore. Most likely, it's a deeper r/s.
Ytd head of finance of my ex intership msg me asking if I was looking for a job. The first thought that came into my mind was eh...Ultimately he still recognises my capabilities? But my mum poured water! Nah lah he should be thinking that after scolding so many, u are the best to bully lah... Then I was like why must u always put me down? Are u trying to teach me to be humble or the fact that u r negative. You are influencing me to be negative too!
Friday, October 10, 2008
First of all I would like to say... Dear, Im very happy for you that you have finally embrace the reality with happiness and staying positive. Yes, you are starting a phase of your life and I hereby wish you the best but do not forget me! I can be a nanny! haha! Trained since 15 yrs old. Wahaha! Read how u described days with him as ur bf...and that reminds me of how it is for me now. Although its different because things have just started but yup, I have faith in god and trust my choice. Always remember the good things he has done for you and tries to do for you, get over TOGETHER hand in hand all negative and sad encounterments. Like u told me, what matters most is facing the problem TOGETHER or to spend time TOGETHER. As long as its TOGETHER. haha! Yeah? So also don't forget days when both of us are TOGETHER since we know each other in poly. Your health is my worry but you are my proud. It's never easy to be a mum, wife and daughter in law and I elude you for your courage and strength. Remember, I will always be there for you. Keep in touch and Im just a call away :)
Why am I still awake? I suppose to be burned out esp its the end of the week but I seemed to be quite alert after completing my bible study stuffs. Well...The bible study was arranged too early...It's just 2 weeks in between and I had to rush all my stuffs and studies within a week. Goodness but I guess I learn things from it.
"Witness of the old testament prophets who believe in God will receive forgiveness through his name. When there's faith in Jesus, there's forgiveness and salvation and Jesus is the ultimate judge of everyone's action".
I came to think of someone who criticised. I guess it was all my fault. I should have just stare blank at the computer the whole day. Haiz...I feel so bad yet well...Both of us are in the wrong. She shouldn't judge why are we free and we shouldn't judge the reason why is she bz. God knows Im not guility of anything and I guess I have faith in that he knows I have done my part and so I should forgive her for what she said so lets not hold anything against her. We are not the judge of people or her actions, but God is.
There's this saying in life; "When there's a will, there's a way", but "When there's a will from god, there's a way". It's so much lesser of oneself and more of god. Life seemed fitting, in place and mysteriously well planned for us. We would respond by staying focus and listening to god.
To what extend can we give ourself to god? Peter gave himself to god. "Yet not what I want but what you want".
How much can I give myself to god? It's like how much can I give to the one I love? God is above all and how much or what can we give him? It's not to return as he does not expect anything from us but what is that can we give? We shouldn't be ignorant to what we receive and cont to be the receiver end. It's a mutual thing. It's being both the giver and receiver and that's how you improve and grow the r/s you have with god who lives in you, in ur heart.
Likewise I guess that's how I treat people around me. It's a mutual thing. It's give and take. Maybe that's how I treat to people I love and care with my whole heart but somehow things will change when Im forced to circumstances to protect myself and that's being selfish as I will be putting myself as the first interest. Well...Should we see if the person is worthwhile for us to leave our comfort zone and give all despite being hurt? I guess we'll follow where the road will lead us to and soon I will realise what God had planned for me is of the best interest for me.
My boyfriend Marlin who does never needs to sleep please take gd care of urself. If it's because of me that you fall sick, I will not want to meet you at that kind of hours or stay out late with you even though I would very much want to. If you don't know how to take gd care of urself, I would resume the role and that would involve me agree-ing to swap to APEC hours. You should know the reason of my struggle and the only way you could support me is to know your limits and the importance of rest. A rest or a break is for the purpose to live on.
Thursday, October 09, 2008
Im gonna be emotional here...
I was clicking through the three links ytd night and I realised how much I miss K and N.
Kaijun is bz with her new life in the society but she looked real gd and happy in all her pictures. Couldn't catch up with her at all as she has many plans. Well...I reall do hope to meet u dear. Maybe sun for a meal or what? Cuz I will be in Yishun for bible study till afternoon.
I guess N is bz with the merger thingy. No news from her blog. Don't know how is she doing but I believe her bf will take gd care of her and give her the best happiness. Well...I seriously think something did happened between both of us on my birthday. I was sad that she didn't even respond when I wished her happy birthday. I guess our so called "gd frenz" for near 3 yrs are going to an end then. She once said she will do something to the frenship during IAP but seemed like there's nth from her. Although I understand that we have a barrier in between of us but is it a fact that we can't be more firm on our stand and not be affected by external influence? Well... All of us here can continue our personal lives but when it comes to just both of us, can something be done to make it better or to mend the frenship? I don't know and I truly feel sad.
It also occured to me how's A doing when I saw daniel ytd. I believe her performance would be outstanding and her future is unlimited and I know she would have a bright future.
Wonder why do I suddenly think about them or even missed these few people. I don't know.
Since the talk about WT last sat, once in a while I am reminded of her. She is barrier to me. When she comes into my mind, I will have slips while playing the piano. Well..Playing the piano was her dreams too. Actually she started first whereas I started keyboard however along the way she started to show that she is losing interest and made my teacher very angry for not practicing and showing displeasure during lesson. It was then my mum asked me to go for piano. I guess its something I really have to get over it. I don't want it to affect me but why after so many yrs I still can't let go. Am I really someone who cannot get over things? It's all hidden in me and when it is expose out again, its hard to keep them back...
Wednesday, October 08, 2008
It's the mid week once again. It get's very zen during the mid week. haha!
Grade 5 theory exam is set on 1 Nov; Sat 10 am. Mdm Chan say most likely I will only need 1 hr. So most likely I can leave once Im done don't have to stay till the end of 2 hrs. haha! Of cuz lah, I won't want to stone there eh. She said when she was going for grade 5 she didn't even know what she was doing yet still scored 80+. Aiya, that's her...GIFTED! But I can't use suc strategy eh. I will die badly. haha!
Although these 2 days there's just both of us, but we took gd care of each other. I was so touched she bought me curry puff ytd. haha! She said she was wondering if I would eat it and yeah...In terms of work...I like it alot cuz we helped each other and once in a while we will joke around. haha! Although these 2 days we have to handle the investigations all on ourself, and we start to understand the presence of him around but still we could cope! wahaha!!! Yesterday she said: "Ok, so from today onwards I would hand over this particular counterparty all to you eh?" haha! Firstly, she dislike them cuz they are picky, troublesome and their payment instructions are confusing but Im more than willing to take them as my baby. wahahaha!!! Yeah maybe soon to come, I will have another 1 or 2 under my care. hehe.. Foresee...
Sometimes I was thinking why is it someone in my life have to learn and experience the other level of life as such a tender age? During our school days, she was learning to live with someone and handle both of their parents but now... She have to take up the role of another and care of more stuffs...
Reflecting on myself...Whatever that seems like problem to me, shouldn't be a problem at all. At least it doesn't affect me, it might only affect what I have. Say for instance my worries of failing my grade 5 theory exam. I wouldn't die if I fail but its just a failure to attain a certain achievement which I aimed for. Well... it seemed exciting for her but it seemed scary to me. What's like when it's my turn in the future? Maybe I won't have the chance or maybe I won't be getting married within 10 years. Reason? No one wants me! Wahaha! There's a story in a mtv is very touching which I felt...I still stick to my logic that what matters is how the heart imagine and feels. External forces may seemed harsh but how pure and firm is the heart?
Sunday, October 05, 2008
Time passes very fast. Tml would be my 6th week in IAP. I guess these 6 weeks are memorable and yet tough for me. Tough in a sense that while learning the basics to complete task allocated to you, you are also to learn to work well under pressure and time. It is also an experience to cope with people and settle issues concerning your work. There seemed to be a great satisfaction felt from it. I'm blessed to be given chances and opportunities to handle cases all on my own. Well.. I guess that's a gd sign that I am seen reliable and my ability is recognised somehow. I guess apart from maintaining where I am now, I should work even harder to ease the work load within the team as well as learning as much as possible within these few months. On the other hand, memorable in a sense that the beginning of this serious r/s which I decided on is blossoming and it started off very sweet, positive and promising. I guess it's a gd start and every single actions done by the other party is memorable and touching.
However time does not always work to your benefit, there may be times whereby it works against you. Time may bring unlimited happiness with the right people, maybe doing the right thing at the right place. However, time can also bring you unlimited unhappiness that drags you and pull you back to the square box where you fell. "Let nature takes its course/ Let nature has its path" meaning time would heal the wound in you? Yes maybe or maybe not. I guess I have to agree that time heals the wound but in what aspect of the wound. Say for instance time could heal the broken heart of someone after a breakup for more than say 1 yr? But there are some things which might form into a phobia or that one thing that breaks you all over again.
I am watching the Hotshot taiwan drama. Jerry Yan is a famous basketball player and has the skills many envies but does not have it. However, he's losing to one particular person whose skills might not be better than him. So what's the reason of Jerry losing to him? It's Jerry himself. He couldn't get over the past he had with the "fren" who lost his leg because of him. Well...To him, he thought it might be due to his inferior basketball skills that caused him losing to him but in actual fact Jerry is fearful of himself. He can't get over the wall which he himself created in him. I guess its true to say the worst enemy is urself.
Likewise, it might be the case that I am the worst enemy of myself. I fear past comments affecting my current r/s with people as Im afraid they will agree and see me like them. I hate it to lose people I love, care and cherish. I fear of history repeating itself when I give my all to my fren or someone in my life. I hate it that at times when I feel small and vulnerable inside me, still I put up a strong and aggressive front. I fear that when Im annoyed of myself, I start finding fault on others or provoke people to start a fight with me. Sometimes I ask myself what is that that im looking for when I do these to people? To allow me to vent out all my frustration? Maybe one may ask so what's building up your frustration? In fact I don't know. It's aimless and wandering emotions. Maybe that's the defination of Mood Swing. Well...So bottom line, the worst enemy is myself as Im afraid to lose, Im afraid to fall, Im afraid to feel insecure once again.
I don't sound holy at all by saying all these. Jesus does live in my heart but why do I still feel afraid? Do I have faith? Yes I do I think but I think the hardest to understand isn't really the mind of someone but the heart of someone. By knowing that God will be there and have faith in him, it will lessen the worries you have in your mind but how the heart imagines and feels? I do feel god from time to time. Ytd I felt him out of a sudden that I guess it was why I said out what was in me these 4 yrs to someone that matters more than any other human to me now. haha.
How does it feels like to come clean to someone mentally, emotionally and physically?
Friday, October 03, 2008
I had a wonderful dinner ytd with my uncle & auntie and marlin besides me. wahaha! Who is the most fortunate gal? Me! haha. Well..First time tried uncle's cooking and yeah it was gd. Hard to express it out eh... It has always been the way we know we appreciate each other. haha!
Hmm..Someone was worried I get drunk with 1 glass of wine? wahaha! No way lah. Besides its ice wine leh!!! My fav wine!!! haha! Anyway, I guess u enjoyed urself too? Yeah, enjoyed laughing with them at me right...Fine. haha!
Today met up with kor...First thing he said to me when he saw me was....."How r u?" Then I huh eh....... haha! Funny kor but he has e ability to make me laugh upside down. Thus till now I don't mind meeting him even though most of the time he would be insulting me. I think today even more jia lat. I know he is there to look after me somehow but his insults are more overwhelming lor! haha! His birthday is in dec n seemed like he is gonna celebrate big! Well his 21st birthday what... Last time he asked me if I want to be invited and I just smiled. Well..Wonder if he would invite me and if he does, I will bring Marlin along and I know he will start insulting me again. haha!
I'm thinking right... Which way shld things be? Is it love that prompt us to do something for people or is it the things we done for someone that prompts the person to love us. From now and then, this thing comes back to me again and again. Even after assurance and knowing the real answer, newspaper, articles, songs, movies, dramas or even my frenz will remind me of this. I guess it is easier to differentiate it in chinese than in english cuz in eng its only FEELINGS but in chinese it can be GAN QIN or AI QIN. I guess when u love someone and thus prompt u to do something for that person is AI QIN. It's the sparks and magic that is working between two parties. However, if its what the person did for the other, it is more like GAN QIN. It's more like feelings developed over time when u are touched by the actions of the other.
Last time when I do watch HK drama with mum, she would always tell me who and who has gan qin, who and who have ai qin so the ending of the couples would only depend what both of them pursue in their love life. Do they want ai qin or gan qin? Cuz somehow it leads and acts differently in the r/s.
So I always ask myself what is that I want? Previously I really felt as though its gan qin and I felt alittle sad cuz I felt its not what it should be. I don't need repayment but somehow since the first day, I kept praying hard and ask god cont. if he's the one and if so show me. He did show me somehow and I choose to have faith in god and trust in marlin. Whatever that might happen in the future, seemed far yet worrying from time to time but I now rather to not think abt it and be 100% happy and immersed in the moments with u.
Dear, take gd care of urself. It's not only abt u, but the little one in u. Don't overwork urself please. Rest well so that u can still cope with iap. God bless