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After the reflection I did on fri night, I had to talk about it on sat night and this time I cried and my make up was ruined. haha!
In fact today when I talked to Auntie Susan about it, she didn't understand why I feel so upset and cried and it occured to me why I actually cried too. Her elder son just completed his ns and one of his greatest achievement in these 2 yrs is to maintain well his r/s with his gf and they are still growing strong to date. I guess that's the reason why Auntie Susan can't understand why m I so emotional affected by it.
I don't know. I guess I'm just being paranoid? Or am I just being worried about the future? Abt the seperation? Abt leaving? Abt losing. It kept me thinking cuz he should be the one really don't wish history to repeat to witness love one leaving him but why am I the one being so afraid that he will leave me? He said I might just leave for someone better. I don't deny that possibility but I guess the fact that I have decided in this r/s, it consists of love, faith, loyalty, honesty and compromising. I don't take people in my life as someone who meets my needs and fill my lonely moments. It's in fact someone in my life who follows thru my growing. Take for instance my mum; can I say I prefer Auntie Susan and Catherine thus hope that they are my mum? No. My mum is my mum for life because that was the great plan god has planned for both of us. Likewise, having sm1 special and there's willingness to be included in the family is a blessing from god too. Prayers are powerful and I'm learning to maintain my confidence and trust in it.
Today's bible study;
1. What are the human failings which will make people disrupt the work of the church?
Power, Pride and self-esteem were what we talked about among the 7 personal sins and I thought these 3 are really what wrong in me too. Power...When I was young my mum and I watched this flim on the Soong sisters. One pursue for love, one pursue for power and the other pursue for wealth. Then I told my mum I want power esp in my future career and she was worried. She say power=heavier workload and troubles. Unless you have the right amount of wealth to compensate, power is nothing. So well I thought yeah true. haha! But still from time to time, my controlling nature does appear but I'm learning to be more easy going...Yes, like my dear ll. hehe. Next.. Pride. Once he told me I'm someone who takes my pride seriously. I guess I take after my mum cuz she is very concern with her REPUTATION. I guess alike ba. Haiz. This is something I have to let go too because it should be lesser of yourself and more of Jesus. Lastly self esteem, I want people to like me and I will always do silly things with hopes that people will like me and that include not expressing my real thoughts so that people won't be offended but still that was the past ba. I'm not as bad as the past. I just do what I want or feel like to and let them decide whether they will like me anot. However but I still care people who I love and like to like me and am comfortable with me but I guess people who love me love who I am.
2. Can every person be forgiven of their sin?
Yes, god died for our sin and his love is greater than any sin but what is preventing us to experience forgiveness? It is our pride to say sorry to ourself and its actually us not being able to forgive ourself. It is the satan's prompting to be filled with shame, guilt and fear.
3. How can jealousy get in the way of spiritual growth?
Like what I have reflected previously, I have made up my own standard and to measure myself and judge myself with it. That's when I feel inferior. In fact unknowingly I'm working towards my own objectives and not god's. So question is when Im jealous of people, where is love of god in me? No matter what, you are his best creation in his eyes.
4. A large crowd was attracted to hear the word. Why are you drawn to study of god's word?
God is silently transforming us. Don't let difficulties overwhelm you and get dishearted. Work is progress. Just be patient and he will show you his great works. I guess that's it. Its no use for me to keep feeling sad abt the future and what is he doing for me to provide and give. I guess the next 3 months would be our last honeymoon period. Things will change definately and it be a test for the r/s of how strong it is. So if i know this will happen then why do I still want to think abt it and cry still?
5. What does disagreement teach you about the early church?
Disagreement will come our way; but do we think, reflect and come to terms about matters? Side disagreement and come together once again for the purpose of god and for me and him I hope in the future would there be any disagreement, I hope will Reflect, Think and Come to terms about matters and come back together because of love.
Love is how the heart imagines.
Thank god that's his scout boys got Bronze!
Saturday, November 29, 2008
I want this weekend to be my opportunity for relaxation, enjoyment and rest. It has been 2 weeks since I could really have a timeout on my own and it has been WEEKS since we last had a day planned for our own. I wonder if something would pop up and we have to go meeting people again...Hmm..Shan't think about it then..
These days it occured to me that Accounting (Debit/Credit) can be so MUCH easier than relationship matters. Not pin pointing to bgr but even friendship or the very basic interpersonal relationship.
Let's say frenship... If our best fren does not tell us anything about their life anymore, and we feel upset or even angry, how should we handle? I guess... It's really human nature that we will feel sad and isolated if we weren't told about stuffs about our best fren but still you treat people as best fren, do they treat you as one too? I must say I'm really glad to receive the msg telling me about what happened and listen to what I have got to say but let's say I wasn't told...Yes I guess I would be angry with that person but after some time I will resent to the reality that that's life! We have to admit people come and go in our life. At some pt in time, there may be some very special person who will be there for whatever it is for you but there could be times no matter how hard you try, the two doesn't meet. I'm glad Veron msg me last sun telling me she misses me while listening to my past piano pieces. I told her I missed her loads too and tried msging her a few times but I guess she was too bz to reply till last sun. Likewise, I do miss someone badly. Somone who was in my life since I was in K2, to the same pri sch to poly but its hard to KIT with her.
I told mum that I suddenly don't want to grow up. It seems like I have lost a fren and am losing another fren who is so important to me and stands a great place in my heart. One is bz and enjoying her life in the workforce another is bz and am facing her new life with her marriage and becoming a mum. Mum told me that's part of growing and people just come and go. I thought...These 3 yrs, things do happen but our frenship grew stronger then could our frenship be even stronger and closer despite her marriage and new born baby? I hope not to be a fren who goes out with her and all sort but to tc of her baby with her, to be auntie shopping for baby's stuffs with her, to do anything under the sun. It's just maintaining the r/s and willingness to do anything for you and your baby.
On the other hand, mum also said...Think of yourself...You have your own life now yes? You have a bf and that's all you could cope too. I guess that's because I'm largely involve in myfamily stuffs too that make me more occupied and yup included other other commitments I have apart from wrking and interpersonal r/s.
I just hope things in the future won't be too far fetched and too much for me to bear. The bible mentioned...God will only give what we are able to bear and cope.
In a relationship, we tend to rely on one another. Just like how I relied on her for the past 3 yrs in poly. I shared with her practically everything under the sun and Im glad for all of the wonderful memories we had together. Well..I guess god has real great plans for me. She is now very occupied with her own life and might not be able there for me like how it was in the past but god gave me him. He will be there to love, care and understand me.
These 2 weeks I guess I really did feel the word MISSING someone you love deeply but I guess I was to strong headed that I forced myself to push out all these feelings and thoughts that made me feel insane. I was short tempered and was unhappy with myself. I dislike myself to feel that way. I want him to be in his job at total ease that I'm totally in control and independent. However I still do miss him. Is it a gd or bad thing? I don't know.
There are more to come in the near future. Especially NS. One colleague of mine has a bf who is currently in NS they hardly have time for one another even over the weekends because one is studying part time uni while wrking and the other is in NS and would be dead tired by the wkends. I thought of myself in the future, if I have myself occupied like how my colleague is doing, will things be easier for both of us that he can cont pursue his scouts after NS and I can study on my wkends? Honestly, this is the first time I consider him into the plans of MY future. I never thought of him because I felt that he has own life and nothing should hold me back in my pursue of dreams but I came to realise it is not about holding back but it is the management of your life. I couldn't possibly be doing all these without someone supporting and loving you.
We were then talking about manager's wedding. They were actually together since secondary school and only got married when they are 28. Wow that's more than 10 yrs of r/s before marriage! So my colleague who I mention above was saying her bf NEVER mention about future with her neither marriage then she looked at us and say "maybe he don't see as the one in HIS future". I got very sad. It felt as though it is happening on my side too. Previously things was so sweet and all but then these days something seems to be holding him back. I guess not to think, talk or promise about these would be a gd way to lessen down the hurts if one day we would really have to go on our seperate ways. I guess I am really very affected by Wedding and Marriage these days. There are endless talks about these two hot subjects and whenever I let loose from work, I hear these. So well I rather work non stop than to hear these and ponder and feel sad and uncertain.
Whatever will be, will be. The future has eyes to see, oh glad please lead me and comfort me.
Saturday, November 22, 2008
I just got back from work. Knock off around 1.30 am and went supper with colleagues. Hmm. First time going for a meal with these colleagues ba. Feeling gd and positive abt it. This is the one very meal I feel full and happy eating w/o stress and the thought of tons of work waiting for me to complete it. It's gonna be a fast going weekend & i will be back facing the computer screen for hours and running around to meet deadlines esp 27th is next week!!! haha.
Tmr... Gonna meet KOR!!! After 2 months? Hmm...He's heart broken man and Im always the one who gives him comfort...Weird...These 5 yrs have been like that. haha! Looking forward to the lunch with him and dinner with grandparents! Well.. Its all abt eating but somehow my appetite isn;t really back yet so I guess its more of the catching up that really matters.
Hmm.. Ytd piano lesson, teacher was planning out my time schedule for the next 6-12 months and main pt is grade 6 exam. Well.. She herself feels that its over working me to go for grade 6 within 6 months. Besides Im not only handling with work, I still have tuition and church. I was telling her my plans for the future. Well..I told her if I would to carry on with my current life next yr, it might be quite impossible for me to go for grade 6 exam as it would be very tough to pass. If I would to go for university, but thats hard to say too cuz the entry should be in sept? If I work under auntie? Then what would it be like.
Then my teacher shot back to me and I was caught in a shock. She ask me one very simple question... You considered what you WANT and DREAM FOR. Yes, you have the fighting spirit and you are very willing to work hard for it but have you ever thought of ur HEALTH? Since sec sch your health has not been very very gd. You have low blood pressure background and sever gastric problem, do you think you can stay long in the banking industry not saying irregular wrking hrs.
It caught me thinking since thur why haven't I thought about my health at all? What was in my mind was what I WANT, DREAM AND CAN ACCOMPLISH but there's always limitation in people. In most cases, the limitations lies psychologically but I thought what about those high achiever less able people around us? If they can do it, why can't I? It's not like I will die the next minute. Yes, I do worry about my health but I don't want it to be the reason for me to stop unless deep down in me I know I should slow down or stop for the good.
No doubt she has certain selfish thoughts to keep me a future piano teacher but I guess that's not my calling. I rather be a mathematics tuition teacher but I don't want piano to become my career and source of income. I don't wish my passion, dream and interest be polluted by the ugly side such as conflicts with parents, seeing students not performing up to standard and all. To me, music, piano, singing are just a world of myself. I find and feel my most bare and truth self in it and I don't want this to be destroyed.
Somehow though piano is also a dream, passion and willingness to work hard but it isn't the same as to have something you work hard and earn for. That's how I feel thus Im very unwilling to work under her immediately after my course. I'm independent since young and that doesn't change even if Im in love and attached. Though at times and I can see I do rely on my partner and see him as the one I can depend on in my life but I don't want to be spoon feed. It has never been and it will never be.
Today 22nd, marks the 3rd month we are together. We have been together for a quarter! Thinking back of the every single thing, since the day I met you in class, getting to know you, chatting with you all night, started to msg you to kill the boring time, to even call you or contact you when I need someone there to expressing my feelings to you and now with you and loving you more each day...Seems FORTUNATE AND BLESSED. I rmb the msg I sent you after you sent me home from the movie that was supposed to be my birthday treat. I thank you making me the most blessed and fortunate gal...but now I would say..I thank you for continuing to treat me well and loving me. Take care. We both have our piorities in life I understand. Don't feel too bad when you have scouts placed first but don't forget about me or take it for granted. Likewise, I can be very workaholic that I will neglect many of my own stuffs but I never fail to feel the love I have for you and the feeling of being loved. Miss you. Muack.
Sunday, November 16, 2008
It's another week... I hope this week would be another bz and fufilling week so that I would find it passing by so fast and weekend could be here fast but I hope this week is fast because of its pace and not because of MC. hmm yup.
I have never thought I would enter the headquarter of Scouts. Everytime when dad drive passes the place, I would think that the building of the hq and cc seem so alike yet nice...I like the wood feeling! haha! It was a nice dinner with the nice people around but I guess I couldn't take the air when the event was coming to the end. Felt temperate so went out to walk around.
Ytd went to drink with them. Hmm. Wonder I feel giddy half way maybe my blood pressure ain't stable yet. Aiya, heck. Hmm.. Talked about life and yup, I realised I ain't really worried about my future. I guess I have it planned out already. I'm just waiting for the right time and opportuity to fufill and achieve it. Well.. I guess to me what really does give me second thoughts isn't things that could be changed with our capabilites but those that you have no control of it. Say human. The very one thing that requires much practical and theoy knowledge is managing of people. I wouldn't say I want to manage people I love but its more of managing my life with these people in my future. What would these people change to in the near future? Will they have a change of heart and leave me? Or will I be the culprit? Nah.. I don't know and I guess today's gospel did talk to me.
1. Faithfulness and loyalty.
God was mentioning about his kingdom that he has created. How faithful and loyal are we to his church. Are we able to follow his words and message obediently. The one who does fear god, are the blessed ones. Then they say may wives be faithful to their family and does her chores dutifully and willingly. To pray for all wives and mothers to be dedicated to their family. I thought of my mum and felt sad for being sad over some arrangement these days. I don't disagree with her totally cuz I know her intention; where she is coming from but we just doesn't meet eye to eye I guess. So how far can we be loyal and faithful to our partner? Despite temptations and external disturbance? I guess god will show us the way but on our part what we can do is to remain faithful and loyal in his teachings and kingdom.
2. Jealousy
I was doing my bible study and just before I wanted to go for my nap I saw this question... The bible states; " People tend to set standards to measure myself and judge myself with the standard. Thus, leading me to feel astray from my spiritual growing when I feel inferior at times of being jealous. I won't deny of being slight jealous. It might not be over r/s, but might be other stuffs but it occured to me that Im always making myself see the kind of gals w/o attractiveness and all that even though somehow sub-consciously I know I do have from the attraction I get at times but still I rather believe I dont have such capabilities.
I guess its something I should really think through it now. Its not abt being aware of the problem its abt understanding and reflecting and changing to dissolve it.
Saturday, November 15, 2008
This week seemed to past faster than many other weeks. I guess its because of being bz and ya...I was on MC on thur. Thinking about thur sends chills down my spine. Till today, Im afraid to fall aslp worry that I would want to go to the toliet in the middle of the night and then faint again. My mum called doctor ytd on my behalf for my medical report and everything is normal.
To me, I felt that smthing did happened. I did feel it that night and I just cried for whatever that was going on. It wasn't right. When I fainted and lost conscious again and again on the bed, I blamed myself for everything. I endured to the ultimate that I thought of calling the ambulance but I thought of getting my parents first but I couldn't reach them.
I wonder I was able to get to him. I thought I was just calling for the sake of hearing the ringing tone dying off on its own and going back struggling with the pain on my own but mabe its god's calling to him that he didn picked up the call. It was comforting yet hurting so badly. My second time losing my conscious was in my parents' room I moved fast to their room and boom on the floor's mattress. haha! I'm lousy and still just a gal at the end of the day.
Back to work on fri was fine. Both Ms are very concerned and was shocked to hear that. I guess the one most worried was my shifu. haha! She worked london for these two days. Thur to cover for me and ytd was for her own benefit and help me with the work load. They were joking that I was over stressed over what happened on wed night that I fainted. haha!
What will be my future like? I don't know. With a weak health and an uncertain ability I guess I shouldn't be people's burden. Maybe pregnancy and giving birth would be the last thing for me as I guess it doesn't seem Im able for that.
Colleagues getting married and one male colleague brought his wedding photos in tumbdrive showing colleagues. Shows how proud and happy he is. I guess these are things I would work hard for too. To have a nice house and wedding = Money. So ya, WORK HARD! haha. What about marriage? I will leave it to god.
Sunday, November 09, 2008
Apart from the fact that my weekends are gone and its the beginning of a new week, it is also the mids of NOV already!!! Wow really I think I will be in real shocked if one day I suddenly realised that next week is my last week of IAP. haha!!!
Today gospel was talking about the culture and life Jesus has created for us. Say for instance we catholics the way we pray, praise the lord, medidate or fellowship might be different from others but that's the culture that is created by us but he will destroy anything that is unsight to him.
I guess when there's people, there's problem. When there's problem, its because of people. So whether a culture can be formed or destroyed depends alot on the people involve in the building of the culture. If u want to destroy the culture, get rid of what is needed but if you want to mould a culture, emphasise what is the fundamentals. However, somehow for me its hard to leave the fact of God playing a part in whatever we do. I guess activities esp those that has links to a religion should pray and let god show the way to help strengthen and foster a better future for the team for instance. ---------> Do your best, and leave the rest to god.
These days have been surrounding with babies and young mothers till it kept me thinking about pregnancy. I guess its also the trauma pain that Im experiencing in my womb. haha! That sounds like Im pregnant too..haha! NO LAH! Well... Say ytd, I went to shop for baby clothes as a gift for his god daughter and it reminded me when I was sec 3 buying baby stuffs alone for my own brother. Looking at those baby gal clothes...So cute! HAHA! I hardly use this word but honestly it was CUTE! haha.. So small in size yet lovely. Well..Hope dear's baby will be a gal hehe...
Anyway, I was thinking...
Pregnancy could really be a wonderful and happy thing if it happens at the right time I guess. Say for instance a gal who is 16? 17? Is she ready to be a mum? So thats a wrong time. Well. I guess maybe even till im 23?25? I might still not be ready to be a mother...It takes great pain and courage to go through the 9 months and great patience and unconditional love to shower LTC and educate your child. Haiz! So much so when you think abt the future seeing yourself, with your partner and an offspring that belongs to both of u, how fortunate it is eh? I guess god has his plans ba.
Talking about great pains to be pregnant... Why am I experiencing great pains at my womb area for these 3 days? It is gradually getting from bad to worst. I couldn't even get up the bed today and ytd I didnt had any appetite. It is late for a week and I guess when it really comes for its visit, my body will collapse from the bad cramps ba... Cuz even before it started, Im experiencing such bad pains already, what more when it happens. I wonder what's going on to my womb area.
I guess I felt something weird here ba... It's ok you want me to go where ever you are going with your frenz and all that on sats but I guess that shouldn't apply to your mei too ba. Its not very convenient for her to come all the way down to Raffles to have a dinner. Besides, I feel like im a burden for all these. I do things for the sake of her happiness and smiles, dont you do that for her and everyone too? Likewise, if she likes it and am happy with it, then accept and enjoy ur wed out with the other frenz of u too.
I'm fine or at least i m slowly bit by bit letting go the nature of wanting to be with you always. Just rmb there's sm1 loving and thinking of u always. Enjoy urself and be really happy n i know you will because ppl u will meet on wed are people who meant alot to you. So cherish and make the best out of the time with them.
Friday, November 07, 2008
I'm back home and TGIF finally. BH teased me lah... "Wah someone working later and later ler hor"? Then I say fine win but he say isn't this what you would enjoy be bz and occupied with work? Then I thought of it...Yeah, he is true. Though things may be damn shit at times and I really have to work late but Im enjoying it and to some point in time I am happy when I talk to some of those nice people and the sense of satisfaction when u settle some issues. However, it isn't aint like Project work. You can be real happy for quite some time but these issues are so on going and in huge numbers that I only have time to smile and that's it...MOVE ON! haha!
These weeks hasn't been easy but I guess I have the moral support to push me forward. Just by thinking of you makes me go on and your love nutures me. I guess I should support you in your own stuffs the same way too.
I guess the four songs does tell a story about us and yeah HSM is the best. haha. Im acting like a small kid. haha!
Take my hands, never let go no matter what.
Hold me close and take one step with your eyes locked on mine and let life guide us our future.
It's one in a million that I would find someone like you whom I feel this way and the feeling belongs to just both of us.
Will you lead me and will I be safe with you? Will you catch me through it all?
I hope even a thousand mild or an ocean wide wouldn't stop our walk together won't end.
Wednesday, November 05, 2008
I just got back from work. I am tired but can't really do much. Guess I need time to cool down the over-active brain of mine. haha! Though it was tiring and stressed but I feel contented! haha! I think I could, and I will and yeah, I have succeeded somehow. Well...We'll see what is it like tml then...
I guess dear LL is right. I don't have confidence in my myself no doubt im the one standing firm in my position. I mean I dont know what to expect of the future or what I should see in myself. Accepting and living life without being affecting by it seems smthing that I ought to learn and improve myself but to meet and know that person seems even far fetch. It's killing me inside.
So what do u want me to see? Ok, its everything and Im exactly the oppo.
I dont care and that doesnt mean I will yes on my side. Don't force me to leave you no choice or see the ugly side when im totally not keen in it.
IM NOT CURIOUS.
Mdm chan was saying Im controlling too much in my strength and emotions when she heard me playing The Secrets today. Well...First time playing for her cuz we were doing theory all these mths. Well...Most of the things were edited and many many expressions to meet. Its really different when she direct me and not me blindly following the notes and rely on my intepretation.
I guess that goes the same in life. Own intepretation in things bound to be biased to own self to protect oneself but is there someone to wake u up to see things clearer? My dear LL does that quite well even till now. She made me see how negative I am. Well Im just scared of another failure. Once in sec sch made me fell real hard tt I hope this could go strong.
Monday, November 03, 2008
It's the tenth week into our IAP already. Time flies I guess. It's almost half way through of our journey. It will be another challenging, bz yet happy half journey I think. haha!
In a macro view, I would feel that IAP is wonderful if I would to really think back. Apart from the fact that people are nice, I quite like the job but I guess its someone's effort that made sure I'm ok and happy in these 11 weeks. However I once told myself I can't expect that this goes on forever, it will eventually stop bit by bit. I guess I expected all these changes but didn't know why Im still feeling weird when I have to face it and say ok with a smile.
It reminds me of how controlling I was in the past. I dislike that and I told myself that I won't want to be that ever again but I guess there's still some left over in me.
So am I feeling it because of myself of because of IT. Am I just thinking of myself first before others or is it that I just want to be with that person. haha!!! Maybe I shan't think anymore. I have been independent all these while so what is bothering me...wth. haha! Even soon to come whereby I have to handle things all on my strike then I'll make sure I will make the best of it on my own and also be happy. haha!!!
Guess I think im too crazy now...13 hrs of slp!!! haha!!! Feeling quite fresh but blood pressure running low...Too long hrs no food. haha! But I dont feel like eating yet...haha!!!
Sunday, November 02, 2008
Thank god its weekend! But weekends jsut come and go. Whether you like it or not it will just past by you. Thus, I guess that's the reason why i would want to do as much as I can over the weekend and be happy about things. Too much fast going pace over the weekdays and stress that affected me but Im glad im feeling better now. I know that shouldn't be the way to allow myself to sink into that again and again when Im stressed up and unhappy of myself that I just let out on people but I guess I will need time to overcome that then.
I'm unsure why but whenever it comes to the weekend I will tend to loosen up myself and be less strong. Haha! Someone said he is become weakly now so I ask myself do you not think that is what is happening to me either?
I guess there's definately someone who would assure your old self to become less defensive and bare and I guess that's what we call partner. However, at times when things are not as smooth, we will still tend to curl up and protect ourself and be strong.
Piano theory exam seems quite fine. One more challenge of mine is over and done with. haha
Group proj discussion was great! Gonna get things real started. It's now or never. haha!
Went to church for obligation service; All Saint's Day. Thanks dear who went with me. I know you have your own stand in ur beliefs and faith but still Im glad u was willing to go with me. Thanks. Also, thanks for HSM OST. Muacks.