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Wow xmas seems to come and past very fast that I didn't really felt the excitement. Well I wonder if its really that I don't feel the excitement or because this xmas seems different and special to me. For the past few yrs, I was still a student who looks forward to holiday so much as xmas means HOLIDAY but I guess I don't feel it the same way as it doesn't really seem gd to have bank holidays in between. On the hand, for the past few yrs it has always been the case hoping and wanting for gifts but this yrs suprisingly I like to GIVE. Like what the bible said... GIVING is more FORTUNATE than receiving.
I guess the another change i experience in this xmas as compared to the other xmas is the person who was by my side celebrating this festive season with me. Mum msged me on xmas eve; "Must be happy hor...Your first xmas with a bf". haha! Somehow I felt so blessed that I have a very supportive mum in this r/s. I guess that letter I gave her was a right choice to do to get across my feelings and thoughts to her and that she understood me more.
Although everyone hopes to have their special one right beside them during special days like from xmas eve to xmas or new yr eve to new yr but I don't get to have such opportunity. In fact I struggled cuz the very real part of me is that Im annoyed and I want it MY WAY to have what I want but on the other side of me...The rational of me reminds me that I do understand and am glad that there is a family thingy going on for special days like that. I guess it meant alot ba. Well.. I have been celebrating with my family like that too so well...yup..I have let go and felt happier as I realised the more you think about the want (yet not given or satisifed), the more you will neglect what is right before you and might take it for granted.
I went to his uncle's place for the first half of the day. All I could really rmb was it was a very big hse. haha! Let me see...I will faint if its my hse. I cant imagine how to clean such a big hse! haha. Then finally...I got to see afu and auntie after so long! I missed afu!!! haha! I enjoyed beating my uncle! haha. Of cuz he made fun of me and teased me but yeah...That was how it was like since young and Im glad I dont have any barrier against him since what happened last xmas. Although im still rather protective to auntie in some ways but I know and can see my he is putting effort to improve and make this marriage work once again.
Godma told me about the CHOICE camp which bible study frenz persuaded to go with my partner but I just smile and said dont worry I will go after my IAP. They looked at me and I looked at my book. Well.. Whether or not this camp is for catholic or non catholic, it doesn't matter to me cuz I wouldn't want someone to go or do smthing ONLY for the sake of me. Instead, I felt that this is a gd chance for me to do a retreat and get closer to god cuz I realised the very diffence I feel in this xmas is that Im not so close to god as compared to last yr. Im not as prepared as last yr. Last yr's xmas, I really did prepare for weekly's advent with RCIA and XMAS for last yr was wow...Very meaningful spiritually but this year I feel that I became very commercial. Work is all that its in me. so... I guess at the moment, I will ensure I go for church on all sundays and be consistent in my bible study ba. That's the best I can cope with for now.
Today's gospel... Father from france came to st. anthony. He was cute. Small frame guy but many many actions and jumping and walking around during the service to bring out the interaction among us. I guess that is what we do need. Anyway, he said we shouldn't be too absorbed and confined into the small little world and prob of ours to limit our happiness. Look up to the sky and look at the whole world out there, there are so much out there, that our problems seemed insignificant. Our happiness relies alot in how we see and take things.
Personally I do not see many things in a very positive mentality. I tend to look at the dark side first because I dont want hopes to be too high that my disappointment will be greater and feel the heartache for a longer time. I guess I see myself for one who allows mood and emotions to take control of myself. Although in work, there's another side of me, but I guess such bare of me would be those who I feel the most comfortable and loved with. Say my parents and dear. I know whatever it is, they will be there for me. Just say these 3 yrs, whatever I do or say, she is there and one I will never forget is that she said: "Can you cool down anot, you are verys cary when you get so angry and stressed!" haha!
Year 2009 is approaching in 3 days time. How are we prepared in the coming year? In fact, the oming year will be a yr full of uncertainty form myself. I just hope I will keep my faith and follow god's way.
Monday, December 22, 2008
I was so drozy yesterday, didn't even reflect on my bible study stuffs.
1. Choosing your cross to carry
Jesus carried his cross and fell countless time before he was crucified. He too didn't choose his cross. He was given the cross and was ordered. Though we are not ordered, but we too won't be able to choose our cross. Christ will give us our cross. We are not in control of every single thing especially dealth. We are also in no position to justify anyone. Sins and problems are the accumulative of the cross and I know I have a cross. I have to be ready to bear my cross if ever he calls upon me one day.
2. Mother Mary gave herself to god
This is the contridict to the above if there is no faith. Though we can't choose when to face our sins and death, but we can choose what we want to do and accept in our lives. Mother mary could choose to reject god's plan to her but she didn't. She said let god's plan proceed. She agreed god to use her. Will I let god to use me? I'm someone who can be very self centered. I want things my way. I want to be in control of my own life. So what does that make me? I dont know. I have to further explore and give more of myself to my faith.
3. Changes in ur or to us does not change our nature.
"Being a vegetarian does not make you a family of vegetables (Potato/Tomato) but still a mankind; human being". So say if one day someone would to change drastically in his/her attitude, that doesn't mean that his/hers nature has changed too. Which meant...I will have to learn to accept the changes in life. Doesn't mean that the changes in life will change a person. The change in someone's attitude might be temp due to the rush and pressure in life but that might only last for a day? an hr? a period of time? Well...If one day things really change to a situation whereby I would rarely see and feel someone I hope I will remain in my faith that the love and care does not change. Likewise, even if I dont get to see dear as often, I hope that I would remain confidence in her and the frenship.
4. The other domination does not believe in infant baptism like us
To them understanding comes in first and they themselves will decide on their own path in life. I guess that was how in began for me too. Does that make me a non-pure catholic? haha! For catholics, we would want to give our best to our children. As parents, it s a nature to give their children the best but materialistic stuffs isnt the best that we can give but the blessing from god is the best. So thats the reason why we would want our children/ baby to be cradle baptised catholics and to nature them to be a believer of christ and holds a strong faith. In fact I agree to the nature of a mum's giving but I personally wasnt brought up that way either. I'm more to independent learning. All the while I hold this belief yes I will baptise my baby as catholic but if one day my child decides to go to other form of denomination especially due to their own marriage, I shldnt feel disappointed. It's their life at the end of the day. My mum is lucky that I have a mind on my own and I was directed well by god. I accepted his call and was drawn to him ever since the first day of RCIA. Well...Marriage...I believe I will stay firm on my faith. God is the creator of life he has plans for us so why give up faith for moral stuffs especially when its faith that helped u in ur major operation and teaching u to grow up to be what you are. It's where I belong.
5. Giving is more fortunate than receiving
I guess that's so. Do you know this year I didn't have the feeling of receiving any gifts. Not that Im being a sadist her but its like... I dont have the craving I have like the past few yrs whereby I would ask mummy mummy I want this for xmas. Real happiness comes abt when I give not receive. Maybe thats the reason why Im spending all my money on the one I love and not myself. I know he is happy when ppl ard him is happy so I dont mind the extend. Im happy when my mum is happy. WHat about me? Maybe instead of wondering if Im losing myself I should consider if Im reaching to an extend of "lesser of myself, and more for others and god?"
6. Statues in the church
Once someone mention he disagree to how the ppl pray in my church by touching and bowing to pictures of saints and mother mary, I didnt know how to explain but only till ytd it occured to me suddenly. Just like human, we need the physical touch to feel the love and presence of someone dear to you. Also, why do you want pictures of ur dear ones to be ard you, your hp or even in the wallet, its of the same reason as looking at pictures to pray and feeling of the love. Seriously, although I don't do that but Im not against to the others doing that. Diff ppl have diff ways of expressing their feelings and feeling someone they love, so we have to accept this difference in culture. As for me, I love them; jesus and respect the saints including mother mary and joseph. It comes in a pakage for my faith. You have to accept all and not choose what you want to believe. Just like in life, it comes in a whole. You love someone for whatever is in that person but not what you would prefer in that person.
I only want to say Im a weird person these days. Whether is it external factors that are affecting me or not, I dont know but Im jsut hoping to live life as per normal. Tackling and thinking about problems daily only increases the number of white hair on my head. Whatever will be, will be.
Saturday, December 20, 2008
It seemed to me that this week has been a very fufilling week. I don't seem to have time to breathe in office hrs. There's queries to meet and endless jobs to complete. Yesterdaywas the ultimate. I had a hard time and was supervisor had to settle for me. Well... My own supervisor was out. Lucky his partner was around. Goodness if not I can't imagine.
Sometimes I ask myself...Why must I always learn things the hard way. In life, in studies, in work...Everything under the sun. Am I just someone who is so stubborn that I must witness and experience before learning it but by then I must have already gone through a hard patch on my own. God has his own means in teaching me what I need to learn to grow to be a stronger and tougher person but along the way it caught me losing myself when I lost my balance and grip.
In life, I had to go through politics and hatred of everyone yet stand firm alone to be stronger in nature and not to disrupt my own future. Then in poly, I had to go through similar case when I trust someone to much and by the time I witness his doings, I lost a frenship. In r/s, I had to go through a deep pitfall before learning what is love and understanding all about.
In studies, I had to learn it the hard way when there is failure or inperfection in whatever I do. HAHA! I guess one of them was when I got ALL mistakes in one of my tutorial work once. haha! Anyway, the point is WHY............
In work, I had to make terrible mistakes to be more firm, certain and deeper understanding in whatever I do but then why do I have to go through before learning? Why can't it be earlier and more independent? I don't know.
Sometimes I don't know if time is a factor but tears came flowing down when I thought abt it ytd. Once we said a reason for not getting into a r/s is the time needed to sacrifice and spent on your partner to have everyone happy in the r/s but I was thinking are there any regrets and is it really tough on you? It is not what I want that is hurting but the guilt you have that you can't spend time with me. You know and want to spend time but life and time itself doesn't allow.
Will you say alright, will you say ok. Will you stay with me in whatever or will you run away. I'm just like that and just like that..........
Sunday, December 14, 2008
It has been rather a quick week I think. Although things were alittle draggy on thursday to friday but it's over! Haha! I guess it's because of the holiday on monday that made the week seemed shorter as compared to the weeks before. So well the coming week will be a full week before I get to have my xmas breaks and celebrations in the following week. I pretty look forward to it...Guess why? 23rd Dec, Tue is my dear's birthday!!! And...I have block her time out for CELEBRATION with her! Just both of us. haha! And then Boss will be treating our team for a 'NICE' dinner for xmas. haha! He did type 'NICE' in that invitation email. haha! And then back to work on 24th then maybe SLP on 25th. 26th back to work and then 27th will be the day to meet uncle, auntie & grandparents. Honestly, I miss teasing my grandmother and playing around hitting my uncle. Of course most important is to catch up with my grandfather who called me almost wkly to care about my on going work. Last but not least... My auntie. She has been BZ these days and I wonder how is the marriage working out now so well i will try to find time to talk to her if possible too!!! hehe. Seemed like I have many to do on the 27th. haha!
Anyway, went to watch The day the earth stood still today and I guess the message to me individually would be how we have forgetten to love, care and share while pursuing for a better life. In a macro view, we human are so focus in the latest invention and constant improvement in technology that we neglected to be ENVIRONMENTAL FRIENDLY. The movie does reflects cruel reality that we humans are actually the ones who are destroying the earth. Take alook at the news and reports from the media all over world, it is easy to realise that global temperature are increasing due to the increasing pollution, CO2, CFC and reduction of O2, sea levels are increasing due to the melting of glacier ice in the poles.
So I guess what was said in the show is very true. The earth is dying so since there is a chance for the earth to re born then the root cause of the destruction of earth should be eliminated. I am a human too but well since the message has been brought across via media, shan't we be more consider and more aware of the environmental situation? I don't deny whatever we do or use for our daily needs are contributing to the environmental problem but at least make an effort to reduce the harm.
Another thing that I was reminded of my own life was about LOVE and ever trying. It was actually the side of human's love that changed the minds of Ailens to eliminate all humans. Then Marlin was talking about loving people and to make the first step in loving that person and giving the kind of concern for that person to improve the hostile r/s I have with someone. I just snubbed him off by saying I tried and since that person still seemed hostile, I'm gonna be back my self and not seem to be too sticky to hope that person could like me and that we could get along better. However, I was thinking about it just now at harbourfront and it occurred to me that I have FORGOTTEN the teachings of jesus! The faith of christ and the knowledge of christ is unlimited and there is no certainty in whatever you learn and receive but the very one thing that everyone should hold on to is to TRY ALWAYS to remain in the believes of Jesus Christ. It's the attitude, hunger and passion you have to know and be with christ that matters.
So marlin, it is not about how much bible knowledge you have cuz honestly I don't know it either despite attending bible study. It is not about knowing or memorising what does genesis, luke, Philip, Mark & etc said. What I gain are messages with regards to my life and the understanding of christ's message in a better view.
Thinking about what success if to you... To me is just not to fail yourself. Success is when you know you have put in your best and that even though the result might not be as expected but you know you have succeeded in pushing yourself to the next stage to prepare yourself for the new challenges you would face in life. One very real success I have just attained is my pursue in music; piano. Although I strongly believe I will pass my overall grade 5 exam; practical + theory but I know I won't be able to even attain a merit not saying distinction although I very much expected myself with a merit. Why I say so cuz I believe that I have the capabilities in attaining and I have practiced hard but I guess Im just not ready for the other sections of the practical exam that caused me to be away from Merit for just a few points. Anyway back to the point, the success to me was that through this grade 5 exam, I have pushed myself to the next stage of my learning in music. Honestly, my piano teacher did remarked that my sight reading improve alot and in cases when I forget my notes, I can back track using the scores and continue playing. These are things I WASN'T CAPABLE in the past. I realised that too and I'm proud that this is a success I have achieved.
I was asked what I would really want to succeed in my life and I replied it is too early to say anything now cuz I guess there are two types of success to me. If its about the minor success of my life, I would say its on-going till my last breathe I guess. Why so because these are the push and motivation that makes me move on in life. To have a constant direction and aim so that you could be improving in your life always. On the other hand, there's also a macro/major success in my life that I would to achieve... Scaling down from all the aggressive and independent self, I do need and want a life partner. To be able to have a family on my own and be responsible of my child's life. Cuz you know what? That will be a drastic turn in my life and that's when I will really grow and mature to another stage. SO.............DEAR LILING, listen hear... No matter what happen in the future, no matter what you may encounter, please let me know and look for me cuz even though I may not experience personally but I feel for you yeah? If possible, I hope to witness the arrival of my god child (hopefully god daughter yeah? will pray for you). haha
So my major success in life would be to have a job (not necessary career but the ability to have my own keep to contribute to my family too). First, to be sure that that guy is for you with the help of god. Second, to enjoy world of two while building a strong foundation in the marriage. Third, to create our combination.
To me, I may be very commercial at times because life to me is not only about spiritual growth and the wellbeing but its also about survival in this world. It's a very realistic and practical world which forces me to think twice of what I should be doing in 1-2 months time. Please don't ask me about it cuz I need time to see the situation, feel my heart and sort out my thoughts before coiming to a final decision. I would very much want to do what my heart really wants but are there opportunities? Am I then able to cope with both studying and working at the same time? I don't know. Don't advise me cuz u know I only need time to reflect my true feelings and thoughts.
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
Wow wow...I saw dear's blog. Hummp! Ai Xin breakfast for hubby eh! Heart shape ham somemore...Faint! haha! There's really much more suprises to discover even after a marriage remarked by mdm yam. haha! My dear is happy and so am I for her.
So...When is gonna be my turn? Always show off you know how to cook and better than me right? wahahaha!!
I'm high because I manage to slp through the night w/o waking up at all. Wonder is it because I was very tired or because of the works of muscle relax pills. My body feels like it is gonna fall sick soon. High temperature and headache now and then. Flu is coming up? Not suprising when the whole offce has people with flu.
Some times I really fear what happened in drama/ mtv would happen to me. I rmb watching this drama saying that the gal was from a wealthy family and the end the bf can't stand that he is inferior and broke up with her. In S.H.E's mtv... Selina spent all on him and he couldn't take how people mocked him but the small little things he does for her is enough for her to be happy and contented. I guess...If you ask her abt money and gifts she will ans you she has it but what she want is that her bf has the best out of it but well its very subjective to different people.
Sunday, December 07, 2008
It had been a tiring day which I guess I was burned out and fatigue with the low vol and lesser stuffs to do. I guess its also the sleepless nights that caused me to be so short tempered. Tmr will be one day I could be off and not need to work but after tmr I will need to work hard till end of the year.
Xmas is nearing and what special would this xmas be to me? Nah I doubt so. It would still be one normal xmas besides I guess my own only hope on myself yet I know most likely could be fufilled is to go midnight church svcs on 24th cuz I heard might be able to knock off early then maybe I will slp off my xmas day and return back to work on 26th. May or not be bz it depends. I don't know but that is a way out for me to not think too much. There's also a xmas party on the 20th among colleagues. I have not accepted the invitation in the email but I guess I would decline it next week. 20th? Another day of slping I guess. I sound like a pig but it do feels gd! I slept the whole of today because of my bad headache and I feel real gd now.
Countdown to yr 2009. It's gonna happen on wed night. I rmb last yr.. I was playing mahjong with my mum and dad. haha! This yr? I guess I will still be working. Most likely might be able to knock off early too. Maybe 10-11pm but sian also. When people are out celebrating and partying guess what would I be doing? I would be waiting waiting and waiting for a cab to go home. I believe there won't be much cab ard wrk place and I guess I will be alone cuz SHIFU IS STILL HAVING HER LEAVE!!! haiz.
Few days ago I found a fav song I like since young...The lyrics are what a small gal yet dreaming of growing up will think and feel ba but it's not gonna be easy to grow up. Maybe I still rather be a small gal to not think too much, feel too much and experience too much
When I'm feeling small When it's cold outside I don't know who I should believe And when I needed someone special just by my side Who was there? When I'm feeling old When it's raining outside I don't know who is holding me And when I need a little kind and tender moment Who's with me? I believe someday I will love Someone who's by my side Oh someday My special one will come alone I'll pray everyday When I'm lost inside When I'm down and out I don't know who I should recall And when I needed someone precious just be my side no one was there I believe someday I will love Someone who's by my side Oh someday My special one will come alone I'll pray everyday Someday I will love Oh someday oh someday I keep on praying everyday.