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It's the end of another week soon. Next week will be my last week of IAP and also at that place. Haiz. SAD to say but its the fact that I have to accept. Today's townhall someone remarked that this is not a gd time for fresh grad to start their career in the financial sector. Haiz. It's the TRUTH but still it hurts cuz my plans have to be put aside. My lesson learnt... DONT dream too big or too HOPEFUL of what you have dreamt. Disappointments are GREATER!
Hummp! Someone took MC today just to slack at home. Guess at some pt in time, everyone of us do feel burned out and tired no matter how much we like and passionate to do something. I guess he feels this way towards scouts or working. Just like anyone he feels tired and mentally burned out esp towards scouts. Just hang it there for another 2 weeks. After submission of proj, take few days of break and fun which you want and go back to scouts ba. You feel the calling there I know.
Likewise, I do feel strongly that I'm very tired! I'm actually looking forward to working and doing things I do everything but just when the days just started...I already feel so tired. That's the reason why I said not given the opportunity might not be a bad thing too. At least I really get to rest and relax. But somehow somewhat I will feel empty one day.
My interest in music actually on and off I know My love and passion for music is strong but whenever I think about stuffs and all...I feel tired and unwilling to go on. Say for my proj, actually it made me realised that Im still so wanting to do music BUT another side...I felt like giving up on that proj not only ONCE. I know its a bad thing but someone I feel that Im not up to standard and further more I am so tied up with other stuffs. Im tired.
I like this photo!
Saturday, January 24, 2009
Chinese New year eve is just tml but somehow I don't feel the atmosphere and the happiness that is another new year. Maybe what colleagues were saying is true. Working at such timing and place, you lose LIFE. Like what happened 2 weeks ago. My mum is giving him tuition first so I'm sill waiting for my turn to give him tuition instead. Well... Want to go out also must make people wait for me. Guess I just wanna go out and feel the atmosphere people have for cny and most importantly to meet my long never meet KOR! This fella forever being beaten by me and bullied by me but just dote me to really scold me. He cheers me up and give everything to me when I'm down or stressed. He brings me to where ever I go and puts me number one. wahahahaha! I guess that's the reason why I want him to have a gf so much cuz such a gd guy cannot be left on the shelve! haha.
This morning while I was sorting out my thoughts while lazying on my bed, something that my pa told me came back into my mind. "Gal, always accept the Assets and liabilities of people to make a better person and leader". We cannot only see the assets side of people, and not tolerate or accept the liabilities of people. That leads to conflicts and unhappiness. Honestly, I do know this all this while especially in my school projects. I'm aware and careful with people's feelings and I guess what they really think. However, this time round I would say i put lesser care on such welfare.
Somehow in IAP it gave me something gd... Which is not to just focus on the results of things but the process how we deal and react to things. Why I say so...I wasn't even worried or thinking about my final evaluation and my results until the very day the report is due. I emailed my manager to remind her to submit the report and ask politely if I could have a glimpse of it. haha! Guess curious ba and I guess she's so cute she went to print out and give me a copy to keep then I complain eh...Waste paper, Hui Hui and I already waste alot of paper, next life gonna be tree already leh...Then she say...Then you go plant trees lor...Contribute back! haiyo!!! Okok bottomline is that I realised that I wasn't like in the past worrying about every single thing and not being able to slp at night and sorts of rubbish. HOWEVER there are 2 things which turned bad for me. I become more ruthless at times after trained to deal with difficult clients and I care alot abt letting people down. Previously its my results that matter but now my doesnt matter as long as everyone is satisfied. I guess its a bad thing afterall. Just like what I said...I'm scared that if we don't do well, the blame will be on me because I did the core thing. Sometimes I just hate myself to take up such huge responsibility yet shake in my stand of being confident to excel in whatever I do.
So coming back to Assets and Liabilities...Many people has been my assets and I don't usually accept and love their liabilities. I will just think; "What the problem with these people". Say for instance my dear. Honestly till now, I have never seen her as liabilities. She has always been my asset. Ask me what are the liabilities (flaws) she carry, I can't even think any that affects me and I felt that she is becoming a better person after so many stuffs that had happened :)
You ask me about my mum? I would say...God has great plans that he gave me such a loving, sentimental and emotional mum to be so giving and teach me the best too HOWEVER she is very hot tempered at times and sensitivity but.......................I'M JUST LIKE HER.
So in life, I guess you will see people n very positive light in your own personally life but in terms of work, they capabilities and in born character say some has qualities to be leader yet being led by people could be liabilities and could even lead to conflicts. Like what my pa said...Some like to be led by some like to lead. It's not being controlling but just like to ensure things goes well and falls in place. You feel the desire that you have the responsibilities to ensure things go right. However, not everyone in a group wants to be led in that way so I guess that's where the leadership have to be changed according to the needs and attitude of the people.
This led me to think about having a bf too. Mdm yam once told me to weigh the assets and liabilities of having a bf during my study pursue. It was then I realised liabilities weighed heavier than assets and I felt freedom after the breakup even though I was empty inside for quite a long time. But currently what's my opinion? Seriously I would say... I don't know cuz I have not really consider it. Or maybe let's say we have to be compromising to one another which I think if Im single I wouldnt be so compromising because I DONT HAVE TO I can deal it myself. It's either I want or not and yes or no. There won't be any greyish part because I wont have the miss feelings. I tell you its unbearable at times but somehow Im handling it quite ok now. It's not being sad or calculative now cuz I really don't feel it anymore. Not because we drift but because Im sick and tired of going into that same scenario again and again and feel sad again. We learn and pick up everytime we meet setbacks. Similarly, I will learn and not go back to that kind of feeling again. We learn to protect ourself and be a better person.
Am I an asset of liabilities to people? It hurts to know the truth but the truth is the precious afterall. Nevertheless, I would leave if I'm a liabilities to people. If i someone who takes up your time and makes your life so difficult to plan stuffs and all, I will leave. I don't like the feeling to force and make people do things in such great difficulties and all. It's never happy like that.
Friday, January 23, 2009
My off-in lieu has passed and guess what I have done? Just to push myself to my limits to complete things which i may have been delaying for quite some time ba. Glad that my off-in lieu came in the right time ba cuz I could complete some project stuffs, settle admin stuffs, met up with my father and to have time with my sweetheart(eh..liling described as that not me). haha
Although it was really very stressful and annoying for me to cont facing the screen after knocking from work till 5am and woke up at 8am to continue but I felt it was worth it that at least I produce something to assure my group members about the project. I must agree I am selfish that I am only coping with the difference in timezone between me and the others and that Im doing things on my own time and not being able to really give them something to understand and do their part. In fact Im really reflecting what's going on with me these days. I get explosive easily when things don't follow my way or not what I thought it should be.
Am I just becoming too controlling and selfish? WHERE IS THE JESUS in me? Why am I letting myself to become like this? Although I quarrelled with pa today cuz he insulted me but there's one thing he said is right...Accept and learn the differences and disagreements and then you will become a better person. Just what is going on with me...I wonder.
NTU sent a letter regarding the degree courses they offer and I was taken aback feeling scared. I really wonder why... Not like I have not plan this step in my life but I guess Im not ready emotionally and mentally to receive another bomb while I have to handle the last part of iap, proj and worries of my future. Just how should I actually gonna let it be settled?
I seriously agree now that I need a break after submission of proj.
Sunday, January 18, 2009
It had been an enjoyable but tiring weekend for me.
Friday night ended quite late cuz I had to settle some stuffs just before I left the office. Though it was frustrating and tiring but I felt great satisfaction.
Woke up as early as 8am on saturday though I slept late on friday night to buy MAC big breakfast. hehe. I felt so happy while eating the eggs, meat and hashbrown. I guess it is true that when you eat something you like and taste gd, you will feel gd naturally. Then I gave tuition for cont 4 hrs which I think my student almost fainted. haha! Anyway, I had a gd time doing maths while my student was so sleepy. Wonder what he did the whole night eh. After that, found a new piano piece to learn. It's a rather short piece so just sight read it. Can hear the Melody which I felt proud (hehe) but not fluent lor cuz no time to practice mah just sight read the notes only but had the urge to play that piece well. Hmm hope I would have the time to practice that ba.
As usual, I would be late for anything when I practice the piano. I reached the facial center at 4.30pm instead of 4pm. haha! Anyway, couldn't really slp but feel more relaxed after the lady massage for me ba. Then sent mum to bugis for her Opera show. haha! We are independent ladies. She watched her show on her own. Whoa! Anyway, she passed me her card and ask me to go shop for things for myself. So I went TM to buy 2 tops and 2 skirts.
Went to Marlin's house and spent a few hours with him. We did nothing much but seriously this is something I always wanted. Don't have to go out and spend and all. Just staying at home...Do what you do and go slow and yet feel the presence of one another. I guess I would want that because I was tired and not wanting to really move. haha!
Today went Fullerton Hotel for Brunch. It's a treat from boss. Honestly the food isnt gd but the choc is gd! The champaign wasnt that fantastic but after adding fresh orange juice to it, it taste wonderful. The red wine was smooth too. haha!
Everyone was happy and busy taking pictures but the atmosphere changed when we left for home. We received the news that the new chop might be carried out this coming week and everyone is feeling down. Haiz. I feel down too. It's sad. I guess its really an experience for me to really feel and see the situation of recession.
Thur will be my off in lieu. Yeah!!!
Thursday, January 15, 2009
Science, Wisdom, Knowledge, Education. The High Priestess is the card of knowledge, instinctual, supernatural, secret knowledge. She holds scrolls of arcane information that she might, or might not reveal to you. The moon crown on her head as well as the crescent by her foot indicates her willingness to illuminate what you otherwise might not see, reveal the secrets you need to know. The High Priestess is also associated with the moon however and can also indicate change or fluxuation, particularily when it comes to your moods. What Tarot Card are You?
Unhappiness in relationships is often due to the fact that we speak different love languages. It can be helpful to know what language you speak and what language those around you speak. Tag 3 people so they can find out what their love language is.
I guess the results of a quiz done below is rather true. Changes can be seen in me especially when there's fluctuations in my mood. Oh well...
I know someone is rather worried from his blog entry but I can say is that I'm giving up and let god decide. I had enough struggles, worries and disappointment of myself. How my life should be led isn't within what I want it to be. Or maybe I should say my plan is far to be realised yet. I guess this saying is rather true... "What I give, you take. What I don't give, its useless for you to force yourself on it". Maybe at the end of the day this dream doesn't belong to me. Maybe at the end of the day I'm just another soul whose life is led by the external factor and goes according to how other hopes it should be. Yes, education is not all and that to me is not all. I seriously want to study cuz I want the knowledge and I like doing maths but I'm not ready for degree. Mentally Im so tired and distracted with other stuffs, I don't want to just waste my time, opportunity and money in uni then. However, if I don't go uni now seems like I have no other way. Or maybe I'm just giving up because many many signs are telling me that I should go back to where I belong to and not move towards where I want to belong to.
Plan might only be just plans but if you put in effort and hard work, the turn out might be different but like I say my plans aren't like scoring for an AD or distinction in my piano exams. They are something that are rather fair that when you have input you would have output but that doesn't mean to what I have planned here. It's so one thing that no matter how hard you try, you just won't get it.
All of these taught me one important thing in life, learn to handle disappointment that life sets in naturally without doing anything. It's not a consequence you need to face for a certain act but its the nature in life which you would face even if you sit there doing nothing. It is out of your control.
Like i say...Just leave it and that's it. If at the end of the day I should just go back to where I came from then so be it. I don't wish to fight anymore. It tireds me and frustrates me.
The point is...Do I actually really know what I want or do I know too much to a certain extend that Im aware of the changes and thus it hurts?
I don't know.
Maybe you shouldn't be in my life now to affect you and all.
Shit I didnt know Im so demanding and controlling. haiz! Self center-ness! Dear!! How!! Why put so many quiz then I also curious. haha!
You are The High Priestess
Take the Test to Find Out.
Sunday, January 11, 2009
It feels quite sad when people start asking you how long more to your end of attachment instead of the past questions; how long have you been here with us.
It's just 3 weeks more before I say goodbye to people who filled my 6 months with colours, meaning, hope and confidence. Although I very much want to stay but am I given the opportunity? I guess I have made up my mind but I have no control with what is happening in 3 weeks. Whether my dreams could be fufilled or should I just recognise my fate and depend on my mum once again? I don't know. I certainly don't like the idea of that but apart from staying on, I doubt my mum would want me to work and go through so much hardships due to the bad economic condition. She would rather just support me so that I could focus just being a full time undergrad but is that what I truly want? I knew from the start that it isn't. I would just be defeated by the external forces and leading according to external forces.
Do not say why I give up so easily to external forces and pressures because don't ever under-estimate external forces and pressures. It certainly affects the final results and plan. Taking for example, Red Cliff II. The direction of the wind is the key to victory. Who ever is in advantage of the wind direction will have an upper hand in the war and stands a higher chance to survive. Note is not about who will win, cuz in a war both are losers. We fight to survive and maybe achieve our dreams or target. His dream was to protect his country land for survivorship and achieve his dreams in dealing with his greatest enemy.
Likewise, fighting against the current bad economy situation (external forces) to realise my own dreams might not be a win or lose game but for survivorship. It's a practical life. Who doesn't want to just rest and enjoy oneself at home? But there's always a limit to everything. You will get bored when you stay at home too long and complacent kicks in and it will be hard to kick start the ball rolling again.
Like I just said...I have no control and Im sad that this is something I'm uncertain about.
I hate uncertain but sad to say the world that I live in and want to live in is filled with uncertain.
We never know what will happen the next minute.
Maybe the very next minute I stop breathing, maybe the very next minute Im totally a changed person. Maybe the very next minute, I will change my mind in everything I do, want and have.
I have passed my grade 5 theory exam which I guess that means I passed my overall grade 5 piano examination. Of cuz im relieved and happy but not with great emotions cuz there's bits of disappointment as I should have done it better. I still do have great desire to play and learn but somehow external factors might be a reason for me to not go on all these dreams. That's the reality of life. If you are to give up 1 out of three choices, you would tend to choose and keep those that meant life to you and leave out the other. Yes, music is my life as in it brings colours and emotions. I find my true self in it but dreams couldnt provide me with practical needs. Music is her career BUT NOT MINE. Music is her source of income BUT NOT MINE.
Say i'm practical but this is life. Say I'm useless and disagree with my decision to have a plan to give up what I have been pursuing on for yrs but if it's a necessary, I will let go.Till the day, I feel the call and have the ability, would I take up a day. Though it may be said that the interest might die off it is left untouched but I say if I can't cope with life and the fact that continuing with things now that would really stressed me out leaving me no time for rest, and peace then what is the purpose to do it?
Price is what you pay, but value if what you earned. So if I have paid the price, but I don't earn the satisfaction and happiness, then why do I make myself go through that in the first place?
Friday, January 02, 2009
I did the quiz Dear has posted on her blog...haha!!! Im the molester? haha!!! I wonder what's Marlin's result...I feel loved when...
The Five Love Languages
My Primary Love Language is Physical Touch
My Detailed Results: Physical Touch: 12 Quality Time: 7 Acts of Service: 5 Words of Affirmation: 5 Receiving Gifts: 1 About this quiz
Thursday, January 01, 2009
Happy new yr... Having a bad miagrain here. Guess it was my fault to take red wine as fruit juice to drink. This yr's countdown nth special and I don't indifferent. To me, its just another day but a day whereby u wish many people the best and many people will wish you too. Whoa I sound sadist. haha. Well.. Whether or not Im a sadist, life still goes on and I hope year 2009 will be a better year for the world (economic), my family, frenz and myself. I know it will be a difficult year for me ahead, but I really hope my faith does keep me still and firm on my stand in life and my pursue.
Ytd while on the way back home on the train I was thinking alot and yes angry for no reason and that made me see the real self of me. Its alittle weird to see your true colours on a new year eve and then hopping that I would stop being like that in year 2009. Well.. I really see myself as the one who wants everything MY WAY. When things don't turn up my way, I will throw temper and spike the people who made me feel awlful. On the other hand, maybe when someone is deeply in love, she tend to give her partner all of her but that doesn't mean it changes her nature. She is still who she is. Somehow when she senses that things ain't favourable, she would defense herself and drift away from who ever.
I'm someone who ALLOWS mood and emotions to affect me. SAD to say but this is the fact that I have to face! When Im not feeling colourful, there goes people ard me. They feel the pain and spike from me. Ytd I literaly was just drinking and drinking and watching Jeneatte aw's show with the TV they have there. I wasnt really in the mood to party anyway.
"Price is what you pay, value is what you get". I saw this saying from Aberdeen's ad on the train. I guess you can see it as in economic or in life. Whatever you do, a price is attached. Maybe Im always thinking not to trouble people, but have I ever thought maybe people is willing to these for me? It is the sacrifice they are willing to pay to get the value of it to be with me or spend time with me. Well...Maybe i just dont believe there's such willingness. Maybe Im very used on depending myself that all these are just people doing for my sake. I dont know and its real vexing to think abt it....thats why I rather immune myself with work these days and seriously its work that stressed me out and burned out my mental health. haiz.
New year? Its just a normal day to me cuz Im just a normal person who allows mood and emotions to take control of me, ignoring external factors.
Anyway would like to say something to dear..
Dear, take gd care of yourself alright? If there's anything I can do for you please feel free to call me. Your wellbeing is equally important so that your baby gal can grow healthily. Ok? I know Im a very difficult person and Im glad you have never give up on me these 3 years and thanks esp for staying by me this year. Thank you!