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Yesterday 26 feb, went dinner and drink with marlin. First time dressing up to impress and yet felt like a romantic date though. It didn't turn out as bad as I thought. After one month not weaing high heels and dressing up, it felt uneasy last night with that dress and high heels. haha! But still I guess I didn't look as though I was uneasy though. haha! We went Dempsey hill, had dinner at Dome and drinks at Tipping club.
I finally tried the soup with the puff on top and I was suprisingly full! Was reminiscing how it was like at Jack's Place previously. I was damn nervous in fact cuz it was my first time going out on a "date" with a so called "suicide partner". This time it wasn't any of the above. I felt stability, love and understanding in the air. Maybe I was too hungry in which I was alittle moody but felt better after food then we walked over to where his ex-gf is working. Guess it was the works of the wine that made me loosen up. His ex gf is friendly and nice. Seriously I felt out of the place when we arrived there but somehow I let down my guard as and when she interact with us. Felt welcomed I guess.
It was a nice night with him. It wasn't the quantity of time spent together but the quality of time spent together. I know he was delighted to see me at the MRT station after 2 days of hard work in scouts. I'm glad I'm still his happiness and looks forward to it still.
Today 27 Feb, went out with guess who? DEAR! Went back to school with her to sign NAPFA exemption form while I went to collect a lame lucky draw stuffs. Maybe LL was right..Cuz no one so dutiful went to do it but no lor...I helped Marlin did but also nth leh...I didn't know I'm so HENG. Anyway, we went Jurong point cuz they had just extended the building. Guess what we had for lunch? HAHA!!! PIZZA HUT. Two kuku can't find where it is. I wanted to ask can we just eat anything but scared she whole night can't slp due to cravings. haha! Nice lunch but the rice isn't nice then we went to walk around and though she didn't say about my choice in makeup, perfume, clothes and bags, I know she must be scolding me; "So picky!" haha!!!
What I bought?
1. My dear obasan brought me to buy bedsheet so bought plain purple bed sheets x 2 one for myself and mum. Mum pay.
2. CARLO RINO black handbag. In fact didnt wanna buy but mum keep nagging at my own bag...Say wear and tear ler but I like it so much don't wanna give it up. haha! I pay.
3. BLACK DRESS from Osmosis. Marlin pay. haha!
I wanna buy Cucci Envy Me perfume too but was very indecisive about it. ZA products... Have msg me father all that I want hehe... Soon be able to receive it next week. hehe. So will meet him next week.
Ok, im going off to bed!
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Before I start stoning people who I have encounter in church today, I shall breathe in and out to feel christ in the center of my heart and reserve comments to myself.
Today; Ash Wednesday marks the beginning of Lent. Lent to chrisitians is the forty-day long season of fasting and prayer before Easter. This forty days represented the time Jesus spent in the desert, where according to our beliefs he endured temptation by Satan.
In the season of Lent, we christians would prepare ourselves through prayer, penitence, almsgiving and self denial to the celebration of Good friday-Easter.
I guess I will have to focus more on prayers to settle the troubles and fears I have deep down in me. Next Penitence... It is the effort to correct one's mistake and be repentance. I guess that goes very true for me to be repentance for the sin I have made in stoning people. Next almsgiving... It's to give up your time, money, effort and strength for people around you. For those who are capable, provide for the poor. For those who has time, provide your time to show care and concern for people whom you might not know but do care and love your love ones. For those who are willing and has the strength, provide your assistance and helping hand. May it as simple to be a listener. I guess that sets me to do something tml. I will get up earlier tml not 1pm like these few days and call my grandparents if they are at home... Then I shall go there to workout and then maybe acc them while they have their lunch or smthing. haha.
Lastly, self denial. I guess that is something I aiming to achieve this season 09. It concerns of pride, humility, compassion, discernment, patience, judging others, prayer, hospitality, sexual abstinence and almsgiving. haha! These are extracted from wikipedia. Personally would be pride, humility, compassion and judging others ba.
I have a serious issue with pride+judging others. I hope humility and compassion could be used to overcome this problem. My pride and ego is giving many people problem I guess. Most of the time I want it my way or whatever I think may be true. I might understand where others are coming from but I wouldn't consider them. I have to learn to have more humility to bring down my self low to see people high and give them full respect and having myself second. It reminds me of what pa remarked me before. He said people who is becoming more successful and achieving tend to become more diplomatic and finding people's fault. I think I have to admit this truth that he has remarked me. I was in a wrong to him that day. Maybe I have lost touch of the feeling of being successful. In my poly days, whenever I do well in my projects or exams, the sense of achievements and satisfaction is so strong but now... I feel normal and alittle empty for it. I guess achievements to me is a continuous pursue which could be quite scary if I do not know how to curb it.
Compassion... I should display and express more compassion to people I love and actually people whom I don't love. Cuz its always easier to express compassion to people you love, but its the people whom u do not love that make things tougher for you yet more meaningful for u when u do it. I realised these days I don't know how to really express and display my true feelings and desire to people I love. I tend to display the oppo from how I exactly feel. Not only to my bf, but to my parents and maybe frenz. I don't know the reason why is this so but I guess I could at least text it out to them though I can't get it across to them personally. I wonder why.
To people I don't love or to an extend distance myself away...I guess...I can't go to that extend of doing something for that person but maybe I can try feeling in your shoes. Actually I tried expressing to grandparents previously that it is also unfair when comparison is done. Not only do I feel the inbalance but I believe anyone who is involved in this comparison would be affected.
I have come to terms logically about uni stuffs. I will wait for NTU reply. If I am really given a chance for an interview, I will try and if I am accepted, I will go for NTU no doubt I know I will lose my balance in my personal life and own dreams. I have to give up piano. I have to give up additional ministry in church. I have to give up alot of my own time and family time. BUT I guess the mentioned above isn't an issue to my mum. What she wants is me getting to that sch and so I will. Although I fear and worry if I can cope (not saying doing well) in that sch but I'm gonna just try like how I have always been. HOWEVER if results are negative I wouldnt appeal like what she proposed me to do. Positive outcome from appeal in other cases does not mean it applies to me and to me I don't want to go to the extend. if I can't get into the school, it means I'm just not up to standard or I'm just not accepted by their culture so if that's the case, I wouldn't wanna force myself into something which I'm not up for it. Hopefully by then I could have more stand in my own directions in life and in my own pursue in my own personal life. I don't want to be a typical under grad. I want to be a person who has balance in life and continues in pursuing her dreams.
Till date, it's hard for me to say BYE BYE to my passion in learning music and playing the piano. When I play, I feel every cells in me dancing and feeling the beats and my heart feeling the emotions of every stories protraying with the melody.
Monday, February 23, 2009
Ytd mass was RCIA rites of election. I almost have forgotten what it was like when I was rita's sponsor and guess what...I couldn't take the long drag by seeing them going up the alter to sign their name and so I fell aslp but haha. Lucky not durng the gospel.
In the first reading yesterday Isaiah 43:24-25; "Though it is hurtful for christ to see how we lead our lives but he always say I forgive". Somehow that made me think.. True enough god is definately hurt by how we do not cherish our lives or how we do not do gd out of it. We see wars and people commiting suicide. They lost lives in not a natural way but what's done can't be undone. We have to pray for the lost souls and mourn for the lost of their family and so what matters now is those who are alive. We are to lead lives as christians to be a role model to the new inquiries and also spread the word of god. There may be two types of christian. One, pro-active going all out to preach and spread the world of god as their ministry but the other would be passive by just leading their lives as a christian. In the past I was having a gd balance in my religious life. I was actively in RCIA sharing my testimonial of christ in my live and leading THE WAY but now I have quieten down alot. Maybe I still do share in my bible study but I'm overall much more passive now.
Are you able to admit error when it is pointed out to you?
I replied not immediately. I take time to heal MYSELF before considering and then admitting my wrong/ mistake to people. It could be exceptionally true to people I love. I guess its my ego that is holding me back from it ba. I guess that's where humility comes in jus like how jesus but it is easier said than done. We shouldn't hold anything against people most importantly do not judge. Think about their perspective and the reason for their decision. It prompt me to think and feel how it was like when he was scolded by his dad infront of me. Maybe its a mistake which I can't admit to myself even though I know I was wrong. I should have left alone from his school and went home immediately after the campfire. I should have did it myself and looked after myself not thinking about any thoughts to spend time together. Seeing him for a few times within that 2 hours of campfire should be enough but seemed like Im just being greedy for not willing to leave and caused his father not being too happy about the arrangement.
Talked to mum about it and how I felt. Mum said my sensitivity was right. Though his dad was scolding him but it felt as though I was included in that scolding and mum agreed. Mum asked me again if I myself can take his tight schedule I said yes cuz he is doing something so meaningful and that he really likes it. Just like me. I can throw him in my room doing his own stuffs and practice my piano just as I like. I guess this is smthing in life which I really have to face it myself. Yes, my mum is supporting me from behind but no way she can do anything for me to make things easier for me. In fact I will have to face it myself and handle it on my own. Facing his dad and dealing my own emotions and temper would be a challenge because Im someone who will speak up for myself when I can't endure anymore but yet I don't want to become in between of the father and son but yet where's the fairness. It's father's love and concern and I always know he expresses it in a harder way which I don't experience usually but still I feel hurt.
Judging people by stoning the sinful one. Do you?
In modern context, by plain talking about someone's behaviour to your own cycle is already a sin. Indirectly you are stoning that person. I guess in my 19 coming 20 years of life, I have stone quite a number of people but there's one particular person whom I have stone heavily. I'm guility for that and yet I can't get out of it because of the cont temptation in life that is always reminding me of x and the negative stuffs of x life affecting ppl ard me. I guess the first thng I would have to stop is to even talk about x. It has nothing got to do with me and even if I have to lose my bf to x, I would still stay firm on my stand. No one know what exactly had happened and the pain that was built on so no one can comment. If one couldn't be accepting to what I am like and what I have decide and yet love me, Im better off myself.
When have you been tempted to take justice into your own hands?
It kind of compliment the above. I have always take justice into my own hands. x brought hurt though they love x still but I can't love her like how x is being loved by them till date. For me, I just simply don't want to be involved with x but when things happen I will share with dears how negative x life is. I am really in a wrong. Like what Auntie Susan said...Just let them experience her real self and they will know. Do not need to tell tales or be worry that I will be the one left alone. Maybe I do fear that would happen cuz I was once there and Im fighting hard now to not let history repeat again. I guess I should really have more faith in god. Let's say I lose everything to x, I guess that's god's plan to turn me stronger and that I have to move on to explore more in life.
Fasting was used for an evil purpose. Name some ways where it can be used for good?
I thought eh...Dieting would be gd! haha. But haha its for holy reasons ba. Before we take our holy communion, fasting would be a way to cleanse ourselves before receiving it. Well it does have another meaning to it though... It could be a fast of power and ego or even dreams. Maybe it is gd, maybe it is bad to fast from dreams. How does it feels like to fast from your dreams for 2 years? Giving up everything in ur life for what u have to do to make ur love one happy? Sometimes what was said wasn't what was truly meant. "It's your choice what you want to study but at the end of the day the idea one have doesn't die off and neither could the reality be accepted. Just accept that Im not an all rounded scorer. Just accept that Im lousy and that I doubt myself to be able to handle the challenges ahead of me if I enter that sch.
Im just like that. The plain and average person. Your expectations and pressures are killing me.
Just show me YOUR WAY so that I could follow whole heartedly. I have always been in control of my life and decisions. I have always been planning but things happened and I can't go on with what I wanted exactly. I lost my focus, and my directions. What should I do? I don't know.
Friday, February 20, 2009
Yesterday was a great day out with dear. We went to buy a pram for her baby. Yeah paid by me but sponsored by my mum. haha! Can't afford a few hundred dollar stuffs but I bought her a princess set of baby necessary. Though I can't stand pink in MY world but somehow it seemed so cute and sweet for litle baby gal! haha! Ask me for opinion? That would be blue. Scared to boyish? Too bad. I still prefer blue to pink. haha! She said I seemed very excited to be god mum for the first time. Don't know cuz I was also like that 4.5 years back when my brother was born. Just that I didn't have the kind of financial ability I have now so...haha! Dear you and ur baby are lucky. haha jk! Well.. It felt nice and alittle blissful to be shopping for baby stuffs eh. When everything is settled and happiness is given by all, you could feel how joyful is it to be a mum to be. Maybe ba. I felt the excitement cuz I myself hmm... Hard ba.
Yesterday night went funfair with my family and I was forced to play them with my brother. Ok, it was so akward but somehow it caught me thinking. I told me mum previously that 10 years is just too little for me to do my own stuffs before I settle down to be a mum but now to think carefully...The older I am when I first become a mum, the higher the risk would be in particular my spine problem. Dear pointed out the fact that I had a spine operation and the 9 months of pregnancy would be tougher and more tiring for me as compared to the others. I didn't really thought about that previously but now that it was set clear to me, it really scares me. It's either I settle down earlier or childless. Well..What's god's plan?
Am I so selfish to actually think having a child would tie me down from my own pursue? Actually I don't know. haha! Hope to stop thinking about it soon eh... Cuz anyway, I might be someone left on the shelves by then. Wouldn't blame cuz that's the crazy person in me wanting me to future my knowledge and skills.
I was thinking...Why would people feel scared and anxiety when they are facing the next step in life? Is it because they experienced too much of pain that they probably know what's attached with it? Or are they just pondering too much on it. Am I just useless? Since attachment till now, my plans have been changing since then and have not really settled down yet. Is this indecisive too? Wah I don't like this seriously. It seemed I'm so.... Nothing is certain but again what's certain in a financial industry? What's certain with this economic turmoil? I don't know.
Sometimes when you know you can't just put down the phone because you dont FEEL like to, you will have to use ways and methods to make the other party put down the phone so that you can do your stuffs and the other could get to slp. Mdm yam once told me one most tiring thing in a long r/s is that you will never stop wondering if he/she would be calling but u will be there waiting and waiting for your phone to ring even though you have so much undone stuffs. It shows how much feelings you have for that person by wanting that person so much but it also shows how distracted u can be at times. I got the balance last night. Hurried to my bible study once I the phone is down. I couldn't drag any longer. Loads of stuffs waiting for me to complete. I have always been the one not doing my own stuffs and plain waiting to be realised so then I would have to start picking up myself once again and not let down my own stuffs.
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
I can't get to sleep yet. Guess because I just had noodles? haha. My first time cooking for someone ba but that wasn't my intention. My intention was to prepare my own dinner though its at 11.30pm. haha! It felt nice seeing him eat what I prepare and having him besides me when I wash the dishes. Something simple but different. Or maybe he really saw the obasan side of me.
We had a gd chat since starbucks till the very moment he left my plc after our dinner cum supper. I guess that's me ba. After some issues, I can't possible say everything out and explain the whirl that was in my head or heart. It needs time to settle down before you could see it clear and figure of the problem. Just like a crystal ball. When you shake it, the flakes inside will start flying around with the liquid inside. Likewise, when things happened and our emotions are shaken, we will start flaring all kinds of emotions and express it differently. We won't be able to see the reason why and what the problem immediately; just like the shaken crystal ball. It's only when the flakes inside the crystal ball settles would we realised how beautiful or boring it was to see the flakes going back in place. Likewise, its only when our emotions are more settled; not as heated up would we really think back and see what was the cause and how it blown up.
I guess that's what going through me always. I do wish to share with you everything that is going through me and you should know how much we value honesty and the mutual trust but I do hope you see the different treatment I might need from you. It's because it's you that's why the way that you can help me is different from a parent, fren or god bro.
You are worried that one day I realised that I only see you as a god bro but I don't agree. I understand where you are coming from and maybe it's because I misled you to think in that manner from my explaination. Hope you don't misunderstood my means. I hope you do think and feel what we did together all these while to really judge if I really feel and see u in that light.
Beginning of this budding r/s, we do not seem to need rest on sat and I will only slp on sun after church. It seemed that meeting you and following you where ever you have to go for your scouts is a must. Then slowly, with your dad's expectations on me to lead you gd, we gradually ended our outings earlier and we earned more of family support and recognition. Then recently, due to my harsh and taxing working hours and stress, you didn't mind just spending our sat with a simple dinner around my house, buying stuffs for my mum, watching tv with me and my family or even just surfing the net. It may be small little things here and there, but at the end of the day, its the togetherness which we gained.
I was very confused and loss with my future but I guess the bus ride from woodlands to tampiness just now was helpful to me. A song from "Rainbow connection" drama series flashed back memories I had in poly. I felt that I was so stupid to be just an average student in my first year and only picked up in year 2. If only I was a scorer since year 1, my chances of getting into local uni would be much much higher. My main concern of getting into local uni would be financial reasons. So that I wouldn't need my mum to pay such a big sum of tuition fees in CASH. No doubt, I will return her my poly fees and next my uni fees once I start working, but that takes time too. For the next few years, I will still have to depend on her somehow. Maybe what Ben said was right. 21 so what? We will still take our parents money so what is real independence? I guess that's also what my mum sees in my dear. That's the one reason I understand why she's doing so much for my best fren. She knows how difficult is it to support oneself at this tender age yet she has so much responsibility to herself now.
Mum is concerned over my overly independent nature. I want to kick out from the fact that I will have to accept mthly allowance soon but I will work hard to get more tuition students to cont my piano lessons and afford my own dating expenses. That's lot that I can help her now cuz piano is one big factor of a mthly recurring expenses.
So what did I thought about during the bus trip? I thought about the obstacles I faced, and the determination I had that prevented me from giving into challenges. Holding on to what I believe in and move on. No matter how much problems I faced, my dear was there with me. Sometimes I thought she's just like a gift to me in all my projs to help me through. Yet, when it comes to individual studies... For the past two sems that I scored in most modules and got achieved a high gpa, I was overjoyed and proud of my results. The praise and congrets from Dear, auntie, mum, dad and even my church frenz were the strength and courage to move on which it occured to me that HEY they are still hoping me to go on and score, achieve what I dream and pursue. Why should I give up by saying I can't get into any uni? yeah, maybe I can't get into local uni cuz its real competitive now adays but then there's still UOL no doubt the fees are high! But what matter most is I make the best out of these money mum and dad is gonna invest on me.
Dad said he is proud that no doubt Im not his bio daughter and till now I have not changed my ID to Tay instead of Heng, at least there is someone in Tay that gets to study in uni and he knows I will work hard and graduate. I was trying to picture having dad and mum besides me with that graudation suit. wahahaha!!! Have not even apply yet think so far...But u know...I once said he isn't part of my life but I dreamt to be running towards him and hug him before my parents when I received my cert. I guess uni stuffs is really getting me very stressed up that even when Im slping, my brains cant just stop thinking abt it.
If I could really pass the econs exam, and receive a further module exemption, it will really save mum alot of money and I will only take 2 years to complete my degree. I hope this two years, he will work hard in his NS and I will work hard in my degree. Though there might be fights cuz well..I guess that's the nature but hope things strengthens after these 2 years. But what after the 2 years? What's next? Maybe im thinking too much.
I just wanna say...Thank you for tolerating me and my rubbish.
Monday, February 16, 2009
It is gonna be my free and easy days starting from today. I have completed everything for my diploma. I'm just gonna wait for my results and graduation. whoa!
So what's my next step? UNI. Which uni? Most likely, SIM. Sometimes really dont understand why people uses a certain way of seeing people who is in UNI... People in SIM does not mean CMI. It's their choice and not everyone is CMI no doubt there may be people who spoils the reputation there but at least there is one I know who isn't and she is enough to make me believe that I can make it thru that uni too. As compared to going into a recognised uni and not get to study what I really want to study for 3 years, I rather study what I want in a school that is not as recognised. I shall see how is it like then...
I finished watching Devil besides you ytd night. Starring by Mike He and Rainie Yang. Well... I cried alot especially in the end. Mike He decided to follow his lost mum since young to Italy. I guess its too gain back what he has lost since young and he was hoping to receive Rainie's forgiveness and understanding. Beginning he used the hard way to hope that she will give him up so that it would be easier for her to let him go and it would also be easier for him to leave her for Italy but he realised he couldn't. The end they both went back to the soft way and faced their true feelings of seperation to let go one another to puruse what they really want or have to do. I guess that goes for me too. Whatever it is, don't ever thought of using the hard way to cut me off, it doesn't work that way. I take the soft way, whether you like it or not and I think it is definately not fair for your partner to not know your deepest struggles and pains. Do not take one as one who play and enjoy but couldn't take any negative side and leave.
I think in many areas, I'm someone who does not take the hard way. When I'm pissed but treated by someone exploding their temper on me, I will hide myself more and be more defensive. Conversely, I will be soften down when the soft approached is used. I think that flows in the blood from my mum cuz I realised that my brother is like that too. haha!!!
Mum was reminiscing the little little bits we have afu. From those days, there were only two of us in our 4 room flat to recently. Since I was in pri 3, there was only my mum and I. When there's technical prob or if there's some little MONSTER in the house, both husband and wife will be right at our door step after a call. When previously there were so much prob with WT, both came down immediately to interfere too and most recently my mum's princess overworked herself and fell from the stairs at the MRT station, one call and her uncle sped down to her house to carry her to the doctor. Though it was so embarrassing that a 19 year old gal was carried and was seen by the huge crowd while walking towards the clinic. She even said...He arrived even faster than herself for her daughter. Maybe I think cuz I called my uncle first. I didn't even want my mum to know but it was Mrs Choo who called her. Busybody. Anyway, I guess that's how import he is in my heart. I hope he won't disappoint me especially in his marriage stuffs again. Now... He and his wife faced some probs and my mum lend his helping hand immediately. I guess I saw my mum's very giving side one again.
The show made me felt the seperation I will have to face and go through in a few months time for 2 years. Am I ready for that as yet? I don't know. Wah I cried so much that made my eyes so swallon now haha. Wonder if after 2 years and we are still together, we will be as relieved and overjoyed like how they see each other? haha. Wonder...................
Finally today is the day he has been waiting for so long. Meeting someone whom he always wanna meet for all these while. A part of me feel excited for him to meet her too. Just like the show...His fren was also excited for Ahsen to meet Qi Yue cuz at least both Ahsen and herself could have an answer to all the doubts and waiting. To me, finally I get to know how he feels and think when he sees her again. Am I stupid? Nah. What is said beforehand can be taken back or even maybe one word SORRY can wipe out all promises made. So I rather sit back relax and receive my result slip later. Maybe Im taking this as a test but thats the fact in life. It's either we pass or fail. If I make it, gd. If I don't, move on.
Friday, February 13, 2009
Finally wrapped up the our IAP project. Worked very hard this whole week. Felt sorry to dear to make her over work with me too. Sorry! Rest well from tml onwards ok? I will go visit you and have lunch with you!
Am I selfish to only think about attaining the goals and not consider so much about welfare? Or am I just too worried about meeting the deadlines? I'm damn stressed up and worn out this whole week. In fact I'm amazed what was the motivation behind that gave me the constant push... I guess I would have given up long ago.
After Melissa and I saw the progress of the burning of the movie into the DVD, together with her bf we actually exclaimed HURRAY together then Melissa keep asking me to go off asap to meet my own bf. I said one thing without thinking... So far, I'm tired don't feel like going but anyway I'm making a move. Bye.
While walking down the road on my own in the dark lane without any lamp post... I was thinking why must things be so difficult. Why do I feel the confusion again and again when such situation happens? Why can't I be more sharp like how I do most of my stuffs? Why do I get so uncertain and not firm in emotional stuffs? I knew I was very tired by then. I knew it was dangerous for me to be alone on the road because I might faint anytime but I still did not alight at Cityhall station. I don't know what was the force that attracted me to the other side of Singapore. Why.. I really don't know. Maybe passing what I was asked to buy was an excuse. Maybe going there to do my stuffs was an excuse. Maybe I do not want to disturb you was an excuse. What did I exactly want? I don't know. Don't probe further if you still don't know cuz that makes my tears flow more. I don't know why I can go all the way there for just 30 mins when the journey took 1.5 hrs. I'm annoyed with myself too.
Anyway, GLAD that i completed my personal reflection within that 30 mins. Done with most printings. Gonna wait for my group members' stuffs before I could submit tml. I guess I will be waiting and waiting and WAITING before I could submit. I hope I don't have to wait till close 5pm ba. Don't force me to throw temper and scold people just before the project submission.
These days signs seen on my body seems to tell me that is it gonna give way soon.
Recently I realised there are many cuts on my body; hands, legs n even neck. It can't heal either. I see my body seemed weird. Either insufficient nutrients, or I'm having such illness which I really have not discovered or I'm just dying. I just dislike more and more. Is it because of my unbalance and insufficient diet? I am really trying but now adays its either my appetite is gd and that I can eat quite alot but still lesser than my past normal quantity but there can be days I just leave on a bun for the whole day. Why so? I really don't know. I just feel like vomiting and bloated and there may also be times whereby I get sooooo hungry that I don't feel the hunger but the tiredness when my sugar lies low. I become moody and irritatable.
Do you know that now? If you still don't know why the change in my attitude from time to time then I don't want to say more. It's not who is wrong but the the prob with my own health. I need the energy and sugar level but yet I can't eat. I have no appetite.
If one thing you think you did wrong, then think about it. Please reserve face for me when it comes to my personal health problem. Yes, I m not the normal gal who has a normal body system but you do not need to ask that right infront of your GUY frenz. So since you want to know then fine im Pregnant.
I reached clinic at 9am had breakfast with mum and came back ard 9.45 but saw doctor leaving and only came back ard 11.30am. Was guessing with mum that she went to deliver her patient's baby. Maybe emergency eh... Anyway, I was the first patient to register but waited for 2.5 hrs. Imagine the other REAL pregnant women who are waiting for this little gal who is going for checkup on her irregular menstrual cramp probs. Doctor say she can't help me cuz my ultra scan is normal and so intro me to take conceptive pills instead. It will help to regulate and control the pains I experience every month BUT there are so many negative symptoms on me if I start taking those pills. I'm only 20 and if I startm I think I will have to take it everyday until the day I face menopause. Haiz. So I'm gonna cont relying on this pain killer if in any event I can't take the pain but with a stronger pill to protect my stomach problem. Hope it will work then.
It had been really a long time since I cried on the bus alone. Maybe I was too worked out with all the stuffs. Uni, CS, proj, pressure, advises, expectations, tiredness and feeling unwell from time to time makes me feel even more negative and frustrated with myself. These are things I don't wanna talk verbally anymore. Everyone is talking about similar stuffs and their worries with their applications which to this point in time I just want peace for my ears and some breathing space to decide on the next path in my life.
Just now my mum talk about pregnant lady's stuffs and said after dear she is waiting for my turn and I say...Not at least 10 years don't hope to be a grandma then she say don't take the risk. So I calculated with her... Actually 10 years might not be enough too. 3 years in UNI, then start finding a job and to have a stability to have an income no doubt I might job hop. At least to provide for myself. Ok, so at least another 2-3 years. So left 4 years, maybe between might get married (IF FATED BY GOD) while building my career or job then will have to build a foundation and enjoy the world of 2 while going slow with my career so that I can further my studies once again and then start focusing to go high in my career or job. So tell me...Be a mum in 10 years? I might even consider extending the grace period.
Still..These are still plan. We never know until things change and occur.
Sunday, February 08, 2009
It's the end of IAP. This may also be the end of my irregular hours (Eh maybe i guess). I was alittle sad and was staring hard at the last USD payment I did. This was what I had been doing and looking at for the past 6 months and out of sudden, I no longer need to face it anymore. No longer I need to rush to meet cut off time. No longer I need to even wake up at the kind of odd hours and sleep at 3am.
I'm suprise my last day was filled with laughters and happiness and most importantly I didn't CRY. Well... I like the smile on both of their faces when I bough Godiva choc and Mango sago for both of them. The best was the other shared cost with me and i went to buy many different snacks for all colleagues in FI and they said it was too much but the end I only had a sugar roll to bring home. haha! So since ytd, whenever I talk to mum abt them, I laugh and feel so happy unknowingly until today even when Im so pissed and frustrated, I can laugh at pictures which we took. I guess I will miss them.
After work, we went for supper. We talk about partners who are indecisive, controlling or choose not to be decisive. One said she once had a bf who told her he must be led by her if not he doesn't know where to go but she felt that she can't take it anymore and married to this guy who now is her ex husband was decisive in things but too controlling with lots of pride. I thought... for me... He chose not to be decisive and WANTS me to decide on almost everything which to a certain angle just like my dad but no matter what a lady would still want to be led at times. It's a two way thing and not just receiving and heeding advises.
Most likely I would just do my own stuffs this month and start more serious stuffs maybe mid of mar. This week, proj. Next week onwards, to really decide on a uni while spending time with people and meet with people I have long not met.
Maybe not continuing that kind of life and taking a break would really be ideal for me now but I don't know. It sets me thinking of my life ahead but it will pull me back to the point whereby I am reminded of the frustration, disappointment and despair which I have encountered. I read this phrase "Dream big and dare to fail" ytd and I was stunned at it...I did dream big and was so positive about it until I failed. I wasn't as courageous and daring to fail.
Sunday, February 01, 2009
It's gonna be the last week of IAP and next week I will be working hard with my group members with our proj. I hope that I would be granted for that 2 weeks break before things commence so that I could devote my first week for my project and the second for a rest and time with my family and love ones. Most importantly, to meet up people who I have long not met. I guess first on the list would be Veron. She sent me a very cute CNY card that consists her thoughts of how she miss me all these while. hehe. Feel so nice.
The suprise came to me on fri evening when I was joking with Shifu. Honestly I was glad that the door was open but I guess the road ahead from the door isn't easy to move ahead. I doubt my ability to be able to withstand the tiredness and stress. I was taken aback but someone I felt the call that this should be it. Seriously, I have not doubt that I would reject but someone there's some barriers for me to undertake before I accept with my whole heart. Similarly to buying a pair of heels... You would have to look around, try and let your heart tell you how much want that pair of heels before really buying it to really make your $ worth and not just throwing aside after some time.
I told mum immediately after the meeting and all she thought was her holiday trip. I was pissed but yet I understand her point of view in bringing me away for a break and relaxation. Somehow that's the thing. We don't meet eye to eye for every single thing. Anyway we had some misunderstandings about the trip but we got it over when I explained to her I would really don't mind for a family trip but not cruise and also IF I HAVE THE TIME. Seems like I can't be too big shot to make people wait for me so long yet expect the door to be open to me.
I guess that was what I was troubled and confused. Maybe it was thought that i'm distracted and confused because of someone but it's not that cuz I was shocked to see my sent items that I told her it's my dream and career, what he says won't affect my decision to pursue although I know the dark side of my attitude. The thing that I want to hear is how much assurance he can give me no doubt both of us have our own obligations to fufill. I'm glad that he didn't probe much when I didn't say but yet I know he's there to share, listen, advise and assure me.
Honestly, I do mind that I don't have a perfect and ideal courtship. I wasn't the one who was woo-ed. I was like yi shen xue running after the shen ruo he's car crying for an answer. Though things changed but yeah... Just want you to know.
Heard elder uncle's second wife is pregnant and people doubt if he could maintain this marraige and family. Few yrs ago he abandon his first wife and 2 sons with just a hand written letter and forced his wife to sign the letter of divorce 1-2 yrs after his disappearance. He mention that he couldn't take the pressure of the family anymore. So since he is starting another family now, he has to start all over again to raise his new born child so will he just desert them once again when he can't take the commitment as a father? I don't know. It is just a cycle repeating after every few yrs. If one know one is unable to handle the commitment as a father then don't make pregnant with your child. Just remain a life with just two of you.
Glad that the other uncle though also had someone else outside BUT he didn't want to desert his wife and children for another woman. In fact he still loves the family though haiz.. ACTUALLY BOTH ARE IN THE WRONG! HAIZ!
How am I going to believe and trust that my partner really could settle down and build a family with me with faith, love and commitment?
I guess my dad type has extinct.
If I have darker dark rings and aint's as pretty, will you still love me?
If I could afford more, will you but down your pride and still love me?
If I get too tired, will you hold me and tell me you love me despite me throwing temper?
If I get too tired and stressed juggling with piano, uni and work, will you still be patient and wait for me like how you always do?
If I want to just feel your presence, will you just spend the time we can spare at my place with me just doing nothing?
If I start having cold attitude to you like how I am these days, will you still stay at your stand and love me?
Most importantly, as you start ns and bz with scouts, will you still rmb how much we went through?
If I devote so much into work, and put r/s as second, will you still want me?