{Underneath the Stars.

Friday, March 27, 2009

10:51 AM

The past three weeks, Fr William Goh talked about the cause of sins and how it affected our lives and interpersonal relationship with people around us and yesterday he went on with Reconcilation (unity) of sin with the Mercy of God. He mentioned alot about pre marital sex, problematic marriage and affairs. I guess bcuz those are really a social issue as well as a threat to the catholics faith.

So how do you resolve conflict you have between people? Actually it starts mainly from you. We must start expecting ourselve before we could even expect anything from others including people who have hurt you. It's because of our forgiveness and unconditional love would others also share and spread these love of god which you have shown to them through your action which would probe them to be likewise to others. I thought quite true. It's bcuz of mum being such an unconditional giver and sentimental to people that I rather put myself 2nd and people who needs it more than me more. Or maybe it's also the influence of Auntie Susan who as a big lawyer consultant and is the top 10% income earner of spore actually doesn't spend but is so willing to give and generous to people ard her.

Reconcilation with god in fact the fact that we receive communion is actually a reconcilation and unity of yourself with god. Why do many catholics make it it compulsory to go for sunday mass and the end talked to their spouse or children when father is sharing sunday's homely. I wouldn't want to point fingers to who but well...Bottomline is that they know the importance of receiving holy communion every sun BUT again do they really know why is it sig and import? In fact receiving holy communion is the forgiveness of the minor sins which we do commit from day to day.

Our love for people unlike Jesus we treat is like Investment. When times are gd, we tend to give and give (CR our love bank) but then when times are bad and arguement arises, we will withdraw and protect ourself (DR our love bank) and there are also at times between couples that there will be OD. hahahaha!!! I guess that's when we realise that passion love is fading off and hurts emphasises more than love and happiness in our heart. How many times do you affirm your love one throughout a day? I was thinking and said I dont need such assurance cuz Im not a weakly but fr was refering to that. He was explaining abt showing appreciation to our love ones. I guess its better to say it now then never when u lose the chance or when it's too late. Next, do you still feel hurt when you think of conflicts? Suprisingly when I thought of it, I don't feel the hurt but say if one day I do and I don't do smthing about it my r/s will deteroriate and my heart hardens but you are still not healed. If more hurts are done to yourself but still the question is could you let go? That is crucial to unity of god from the sins that you have caused in the midst of hurts and wounds to yourself and others.

However, miscommunication and conflicts are essential at times! Why? Because that proves that this r/s is a real r/s and not a fake and living in a lie. It's the reality of life that when there is people, problems are sure to arise. We can't run way from that but it differs when we know how to manage and improve our r/s after the rain.

So how do we improve our r/s with god and promote unity of god despite sins we have committed? It is through dialogue with people. It's not about talking because most of the time talking to someone means you are mainly talking and giving orders but dialogue has a giver and recipient within the convo and it's sharing. Take for instance, when we have achieved something worth being happy abt or that something has happened to us, we don't deny the fact that we actually do want to share with our special one and love ones immediately. However at times if nth is certain, we tend to keep it to ourselves but seems like Im someone who cant hold it to myself. I do bla out almost everything unless things that I really dont know how to put into words and in that event I will be very moody too cuz I'm also frustrated with myself.

"Religion does not go against the word but it's the people that creates the problem and religion tend to be the one to be blamed". That reminded me of JIHAD which I read in newsweek. It's the extremist that are scaring people away from their faith of their religion. They are forced and confined to follow and not do otherwise. If not the extremist will hunt them down. In fact I have to say yes it is true that we have to be faithful and loyal in our religion just like how we are to people around us but if people has a change in heart and though we can't talk things out to them, we shouldn't go along with the hard way. Religion isn't like conflict issues with countries. It's not like using politicians to use the soft approach to resolve issues and military to announce war if an understanding is not reached by politics. Religion starts from individual and progress to the community and then countries. If someone can't accept and follow the teachings of a religion, and even though after sharing your own experiences and thoughts, he/she still can't then why force?

Hmm...Ytd I went to meet KJ for movie. Confession of Shopaholic. Haha! She was puzzled why I would even cry cuz she don't feel any parts that would make her cry. I guess it was the scene when her best fren was waiting at the door when she was on her way home after being insulted infront of the media but her best fren too couldn't forgive her when she saw her selling away her bridemaid dress. We do understand both of their situation but yet we can't help to feel angry and hurt of one another. Nevertheless, I'm glad that both of them befriended with one another at the end.

This movie also caught me to think about things. Am I someone who sees so much of the outside? It matters so much how u appear and not how is really in it? And when you start lying to get something or to cover something, you will actually have to start and create more lies to cover the lies you have came up with. So think is it worthy at the end of the day? The truth and matter of fact is the most sincere and important touch what we need in the cruel reality life although it comes with a price; HURTs but at least you are clear in conscience and whether if people would to accept you, it's up to them.

Lastly, it caught me thinking when he asked her in the interview, what financial news does caught hold of you these days? And it caught me thinking until this morning. haha! I guess it's how people are spending money these days. No doubt the cost of borrowing are high now but people are still not making wise out of the funds that they are left with. Govt gave banks to build up their finances after the huge bad debt write off but instead banks chose to pay their CEO huge bonuses and then citizens would start blaming the govt. In fact I don't disagree with the govt act of siging that trillion package but I guess to make things work we need two hands to clap and even though govt is doing their part, nth will work if the people themselves are not doing anything. On the hand, citizens themselves are still spending out of the means. Paying via CC is as gd as spending future $ or $ which you might not really have it on hand. If they wanna blame the govt and protesting that their govt is not doing gd enough as no improvement is seen in the economy but have they thought about themselves? It's not the time for pointing fingers at one another but to solve the problem TOGETHER. Apart from policies and rescue packages by govt, isn't the responsibilities of the citizens to also help to avoid further bad debts especially the possible credit crunch which might hit the economy soon? Well...People...It takes two hands to clap and when problem arises it is not about pointing fingers and pushing the blame to the higher authority. In fact it shld be a warning to everyone and that we have to start doing something to solve the problem tgether.

Monday, March 23, 2009

12:54 AM

Time passes fast and unknowingly we have been together for 7 months. We have started to taste the sweet, bitter, spicy and sourness of a relationship and I believe things will get stronger in these four expressions in the relationship. Bitterness will increase as he goes for his NS and I pursue for my academic studies. Sourness when you meet obstacle that make you feel the struggles between emotions and rational actions. Spiciness when we get impatient and angry with one another from time to time esp when I'm experiencing mood swing. Lastly yet the most importantly sweetness... This is a factor which experienced said that will decrease as the relationship moves on whereas the other three factors above will increase. However, I believe in reviving of memories and passion in partner through meaningful outing with another that matters to both of them in the past which they have stopped doing maybe due to time constraint.

To me I guess...Taking a walk along esplanada reminds us the day we got together. Going for Mango dessert at Ice monster and having a movie at the grand cathay reminds us our dates before we got together. And once in a while going for a gd meal creates the atmosphere of romance. haha! But what makes me enjoy and let loose myself is playing arcade together. haha!

I wonder as we cont to move on in our relationship, will we still rmb these little things we have gone through together? He asked what is the difference between maintaining a r/s and the love when I claimed its different. Well I wouldn't really know how to explain that well in terms of words because its about a feeling. Maintaining a r/s may be important and I'm glad that mine focus alot on communication which we treasure this honest and open relationship but at times it just get too tiring when rational is taken after emotions too much. Another example, buying a new house. You maintain well the house and after 10 years when friends drop by you still see the old image of it as you have seen it 10 years ago and you get so immune and used to the feeling of everything is in the house that u become complacent and the excitement dies off (maybe that is what is described as the "passionate" feeling between couples). So I guess at times its gd to re paint your house or get new furniture to refresh your own house that brings you a new kind of feelings with the fact that you have maintain the ownership of the house. haha! Im not saying to get a new gf when I say change new furnitures but do smthing that will refresh the relationships.

Do not just cont to think that passionate feelings will die off just like what the experienced says but as things becomes normal and immune, revive it and passionate and yet a well maintained relationship is possible.

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

4:25 PM

What is the defination of Hope? According to the dictionary, Hope is a belief in a positive outcome related to events and cicumstances in one's life. Hope is the feeling that what is wanted can be have or that events will turn out for the best or according to own wishes. I remembered Father William Goh also said that to have a hope, a person will have smthing to look forward in life and they will work hard towards it but somehow this HOPE that I once have over things is fading over time. Maybe the broken promise/ word given again and again just bring things back to where it was at the beginning and I have to remind myself not to HOPE and EXPECT again.

What is the defination of Sorry? According to the dictionary, it is an expression with apology and repentant. Similarly in religion, when we confess our sins to god, we are in fact sorry and repentant to our sins and God will forgive us but we could not take this for granted. We have to be repentant and even though if we commit the same sin again, we must not stop trying to repent. In fact Im still in the beginning stage of anger that I can't forgive anyone who has did something wrong against me but well I will learn to start forgiving and be as unconditional as god to give people the chance to try ending these apologetic trends.

Whether am I emotional now, I don't know but all I know is that I feel as though I'm floating in the air after medication. I guess it's gd in a way though. It numbed your feelings to a certain extend. In the past, I might just cry but now I won't because I won't self pity. It has been months since I move around considering myself first and I guess it doesn't seemed anything difficult when u have get pass the emotional stage. Putting aside emotion and acting out improves the situation. On one hand you could complete your requirements and on the other hand you could get yourself out of those crying and emotions struggles. haha! But I cried on the bed just now just before I got drowned by the medicine cuz I was feeling so unwell and uncomfortable with the irritating throat and fast beating heart that seemed it will die from exhaustion. Still.. I can handle. I just hope I won't be giddy tml.

Since last night, I'm very affected by my past. May it be past encounterments in politic probs or r/s probs. I was forced to look into the fine stuffs of every single thing yesterday. I may have grown stronger and got past the times of having bad nightmares but I'm seriously not over and done with it as yet. I won't go with a thick skin hoping the majority to accept me again and befriends like nothing has ever happen. They might be people I care and are importance to me once but they were once and past with it. People come and go in life. That's the reality in life. If they just bypass your life, so be it. They just don't meant to be in ur life in the days to come. Yes, some might think if I really treasure them I won't react like this. I will make the extra effort to stay in contact with them but well if negative feelings are just coming back to you whenever you think about them and the past, why force urself into that pitfall once again? If you can't even love and protect yourself, you are not ready to move out from your comfort zone.

Verbally one may say the past does not affect the current things but from the reactions it says the oppo. I can't change the past and if it does affect then backaway. I can't untie the things I have done nor pretend it has never happen before. It has stained me. I can't remove. It made me ugly and I feel inferior. I don't wish to think abt it but salt has been poured on the wound.

How does it feel to be awaiting for your pending if you are recognised as a gd gf? How does it feel when you feel that you are just wasting your partner's youth and availability? How does it feel when you suddenly feel you are nobody and not recognised esp after doing so much? Yeah expectations are coming in here and Im gonna try to kick that out again. Afterall, I'm just a flower or maybe a tree that will not last. The temptation of the availability outside is definately more worthwhile to be observing and considering.

Like I have said ROM cert is just a blank piece of paper but its the love that made it so special and import but if the essence of it is gone, it is as gd as just a rough paper to be used for mathematics calculations.

Monday, March 16, 2009

10:07 PM

I fell ill ytd. Fever, sore throat and gal's prob all in a go. Almost fainted again. Seemed like my probs are getting severe. I wonder why do I roll on the bed and have cold sweat these 2 times. For the past few months since the last severe cramp, everything was at an acceptable level but the nightmare came back suddenly. Mum called me BIG BABY. haha! At that very moment when she sat beside me so that I could hold on for support, the comfort was so great no doubt it doesn't reduce the pain I'm enduring. However I had a bad thought...Guess mum know though...I felt so much to have him beside me like how he was there with me on valentine and I was having bad cramps. It was so sweet. Though I tried hard to refrain myself from contacting him cuz he was bz at camp but I guess at times when I just cant endure anymore, I still contacted him. It just feel better with someone there with u morally.

I went ORQ to have dinner with them today. It felt nice just like normal days when we go dinner together. It felt like a group of colleagues going out for dinner though I ain't their colleague anymore. Sitting downstairs waiting for them...Seeing ladies walking around with high heals and office wear and looking professional reminds me of those days. I really missed those times where I do belong to somewhere but those were the times when I would miss my family and love ones badly. Well. It's an one off thing. It's you have this or that, NOT both.

I was reading CLEO just now. They talked about the increasing trend of bloggers being flamed on their blogs. In particularly pointing out a lady who was being flamed on her tag board. It reminded me of my past again. In the past, I couldn't believe that my own classmates or friends (on the upfront) to be so creative as to do such a thing to me. That was near 4 years back when it happened. My so called friends or classmates left the url of a blog they created to flame me on my tagboard. Actually I could still remember the title of the blog and was tempted to search for the blog again cuz I was wondering if it still exist or has it been closed down.

The internet is owned by almost every single houseworld in most of the countries and they are useful if it is used correctly because it would be very scary when the entire world is accessing to the blog and joined into the abuse.

I believe it was a group of people who set of that blog specially for me. There were many entries which seemed rather obvious to me that they were posted by different people and many people commented in that blog. Most of them agreed to the flaming but the flaming ended when people within their gang started to have inside fights.

Maybe I wouldn't say Im a victim cuz maybe they were not wrong totally. Maybe I was really bad in the past. Maybe I was really hopeless in the past. Maybe Im just someone who was hate and dislike previously. Sometimes I just pray hard that I would never know who were the ones who really did that because I rather be ignorant n have them laughing at me being an idiot than knowing it was my best friend (once) who did that to me.

Saturday, March 14, 2009

12:26 AM

I just came back from a wedding dinner at Orchard Hotel. Rings a bell! Yeah, few months ago I was there attending Sze Wei's wedding. Honestly, I prefer her wedding. Grand and yet heart warming with all her pictures, video and gestures. haha! But before I elaborate any further, I shall reflect on some stuffs first.

Went spiritual talk by Fr William Goh on wed myself and I was glad I went no doubt feeling terribly unwell. The followings are what I learnt from the talk;

"A happy person, brings happiness to people". Yeah, what you are does affect how you treat people and creates the impression to people. In the faith of chrisitianity, many are used to listening to the good news of christ and how LOVE brings wonders, peace and joy to people. Marlin mentioned that this father is using the hard way to preach and we both agreed last week that we felt more as though we were being scolded for the sins we have committed and explained by him. Somehow this father has lost the essence in his preaching about the faith BUT think about it... Would you know to value and appreciate and know how fortunate you are w/o any sufferings and pains? It is important to admit and face our sins (the dark side of each one of us yet the most trueful one) no doubt God will forgive our sins and purify us no matter what. Rmb... He died on the cross for us; for our sins not for the sake of "life cycle". We have to be reminded of sin; the crucification of jesus of the cross so that we wouldn't take things for granted and remain every trying to live closer to him spiritually.

Why do we quarrel with people? In fact quarrel arises when ourselves think that we are personally right and the opposite party is wrong. Though we do not admit most of the time but it is a fact that at times of indifference in perspective of opinions, each one of us might have the intention or gesture to change the opposite party to think alike. I guess that's where understanding, love and compromising comes in. We understand how each one of us work and think through situations and love deepens when we overcome the war of PRIDE. Compromising does not work out if only one party is doing it. It takes two hands to clap and to end a quarrel happily w/o leaving scars, compromising must be done by both and with LOVE.

"Knowing does not mean you will make things right". Father talked alot about pre marital sex and adultry that night (I have no underlying means here. It's just a reflection of what he said). Whatever we do, it's the heart that is controlling us to a large extend. No doubt there are still very rational people but in the current society, majority are easily manipulated by their own emotions. Say pre marital sex... Are couples doing out of love or lust? Are couples sure that it is not hurting their partners with the hurts and trauma they might go through in events such as un-prepared pregnancy or even a breakup? In fact injustice is done to the partners but how many does consider such factors before acting to it? Similarly adultry. How many does consider the hurts they might create on themselves as days goes by and the truth appears clearer to their soul? Have they wonder how much emotional and mental hurts are caused to their own partner? In fact to mend a broken marriage, partners will have to love their own partner two times more than their courtship period to heal the wounded party. I wonder is my uncle doing that? I hope so especially with such huge difficulties they are facing as a couple now, I would pray that they would see it as a god's plan to strengthen their faith and trust in one another again.

Lastly, he asked us what does a church matrimonial meant to us? Is it just a PROCEEDURE which we have to bind to? Maybe yes, it is what a catholic is expected to do but it differs how your intention of it. To me, when I was young, I dreamt being a beautiful bride with my partner but now I realised its not just the show of it but receiving the blessing and wanting the faith of my religion to be the master key to my marriage life at times of happiness or difficulties. It's the pillar and strength of the LOVE and UNITY.

Back to the wedding, it is more of a party type of wedding and bride was in red night gown too. haha! Like sze wei's but haha don't need to say SW look more glam and gd in red. I guess we really need to be really SKINNY not SLIM to look great in red. haha! I hope to wear purple gown. hehe!! No no...Black! Think older generation relatives will faint! haha.

I saw their video clip and realised they are married in the church too. I wonder if I would have the chance. Well.. They were a couple since their schooling time and after so long they finally have united their love into the next phase of their r/s to marriage. Religion to me is an obstacle till now. I always ponder...The fact that I know Im taking a risk and I might end up to what happened to mum's fren's daughter but I just can't hold back myself and devote my emotions totally. Initially I said Im holding back to protect myself and own interest but seemed like I'm position exactly oppo to where I wanted myself to be at rationally. Haiz. Stop thinking and bring these worries back to the arms of god ba.

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

3:13 PM

I have deleted the previous post I have added yesterday. Just feel like it. Hai.

Just came back from gym at auntie's place. For my last 100 meter the cramp kicked in badly. I thought ex colleagues say to improve PMS prob, is to exercise and run more frequently? I'm working out and running all because to improve my body system hoping that I could go without pain killers when it's the time of the month but seemed like its just a myth. I thought I was fainting lah. Actually today can run more and faster but guess it's just those symptoms like giddy and cramps that are hindering me to go on. So after my gym went four leaves to buy the fav sandwich I always buy to office last time as my lunch and finished it before the bus arrived.

On the bus, the nausea feeling started and the cramp was just getting more bad to worst. I regretted eating. I ate because I know I need to but then the aftermath feeling is so bad.

Went to popular to find a book for mum but she did not give me sufficient details for me to identify the right book she is refering to. I shall go see again before I go to church later.

Father just said last week that I should not force people to act like how I want it to be. Meanwhile, I should also reflect on how it actually feels to force people to live in your shadow. Well... I'm again and again doing it. Alright, I shall just stop. It's just back to ME time and not allow emotions to tie me down. Emotions will bring me far but I'm gonna stop it for some time to just stay put and do things which I know is necessary for me now.

He msg me ytd. Though things are not final, but the thought of ending things is going in circles round his mind. He is hard to her when things get so out of hands but soften down when she cries. I told him just now that's one thing I'm grateful my ex did for me during and after the breakup. Once he had decided to break up with me, he neither talk to me, look at me or even care to hear about my wellbeings from people around. We are so close togbether in distance but yet so far emotionally. People around us witness the cold and heartless treatments and though it was tough for me but I guess it's better than endless struggles with ambiguious and the incapability to get out of the r/s. It's never easy just like two parties considering to be together but somehow break up is always more difficult cuz hurts are there but think again. What about those who wants to be together as they both have feels for each other but couldn't due to other constraints? Don't say love can overcome anything cuz I don't really believe in that shit but I guess to be able to be together as a couple but one party does not cherish at all, I just feel that sour feeling for the one who is being hurt. Apparently on the outside, she looks like the victim but in fact she is the killer.

Maybe afterall, it is gd to depend on oneself and have jesus solely in ur heart. You may turn self centered if you are not truly a follower of god but what I meant is that do not let anyone else in other than ur family and ur religion. Still...Family might also have the capabilities to hurt you even more than anyone else.

At the end of the day, hurt enables you to grow stronger but we tend to push that away cuz it dampens our mood and spirit. In fact we shall embrace that with an open mind and heart to learn and grow from experiences. It's easier said than done but I shall learn.

Sunday, March 08, 2009

11:39 PM

Wed, we went for Fr William Goh's spiritual talk on Reconcilation with God.

The three main pts I have picked up are;

1. Conflicts and problems arising between people are in fact the wounds which one party has and in turn inflict hurts to others too. Apart from passing on fear and insecure to others, when we are being judgemental, we are actually seeing people like how we see ourselves.

2. Hurts felt by people all around are on going but the only person who can stop those hurt affecting you, it's yourself. Honestly I feel unhappy when people don't live up to my standards and expectations which I know is wrong. Say for instance, I do have certain standards and expectations set for my partner hoping he does this or that willingly or instantly w/o me even asking but I know it's being too self centered and selfish. Being in a r/s, does promote humility too. It's about compromising and giving in because of love and peace. And then I felt as if the father was scolding me when he ask what about them being forced to live in your shadows?

3. At times of quarrels, we think about converting people but actually we should be converting ourselves. I guess till date, I have not experience any BIG fights with my partner but seriously from time to time I just want him to think and act exactly like me. I can't accept the indifference at the point in time but somehow as you progress and let nature take its path, you will see that things are not as bad as you thought and in fact u are comfortable with things though it might not be exactly how you wanted it to be. This also reminded me of my IAP project. There was a slight conflict and the cause was me. I was just trying to convert people to think and do as I say and think it should be. I overlooked their own personal worries and feelings. All I thought was my goal and accomplishment.

Indeed, I saw the most ugly side of myself and I felt the need to control the devil side of me esp in this Lent period with hopes that I would be less of the above as time goes by.

Thur, I met shifu for lunch at Citylink and send her to ORQ for work. Shortly after I came out from the toliet near the MRT station, they called to meet me again. Like I have guessed, other colleagues came down to talk to me too. It was a very happy meal for me. I simply love shifu. We can really click very well u know. Haha! We laugh at the simplest thing and go siao for the most unexpected stuffs. Soon maybe next mon or tue I might go down to meet them for dinner. hehe. And of cuz pass them my proj after sooo long. haha!

This morning mum scolded me for being stubborn to not allow the maid to iron my clothes. So since the iron spoilt, my clothes were piling very high and I didn't have any more bottoms to wear if I don't iron. haah! We bought a new one today and I cleared all my own ironing after dinner. Anyway, the point isn't that I should just let her do the ironing and even if the iron spoils I wouldnt face such a prob cuz I have not iron my clothes for approx 2 weeks. The point here is what is the reason that I MUST use the maid? Ok she might also be ur maid cuz u pay for her daily expenses but still.. I like to depend on myself no matter what and I think I'm just cautious about myself ba cuz it burns some fats and calories when u iron ur clothes for a certain amount of time. hehe! Ok, I know Im hoping others who think like how I do. Well... If it happens that my mum threw the my clothes that were washed by the washing machine to the iron basket, so be it but if I hand wash my clothes, I would just keep and iron it myself.

Thursday, March 05, 2009

1:14 AM

Dear LL, this is my part of sharing to u.

A day at Sentosa 3/3/2009 with Marlin. I was abit uncertain about the plans on monday night cuz of the uncertain and bad weather these days but I guess felt the push to go for it after talking about it for quite some time since IAP.

He came to pick me up at 9am but I overslept (cuz I didn't slp well the whole night due to bad headache) so the end left home ard 10+. First time going for an outing empty handed. hehe. Cuz he said he bring his bag. wahahaha!!! We took MRT to harbourfront and had hotdog buns for breakfast ard 11 at vivo before taking the train to sentosa.

Our first stop infront of The Merlion. My bro and mum had a gd laugh at this pic cuz the firs thing my bro said was; "wah u see the merlion head" and then my mum burst into laughter..."The two faces are so big but he didn't say anything instead he commented on something so tiny".

Nearby was some figurings of the birds. Many people hanged their wishes on the tree but it seemed like representing "lovebirds" to me cuz its all in pairs. Anyway guess what my mum commented; "The bird seems nicer". Ya right cuz my top blend in with the paint colour of the bird figuring!

The start of our dragon trail. My first time going into the nature side and walking through it.

The middle of the trail.

Completed!

Next, Siloso Beach reporting to mum by MMS
& she said basc ppl said he is handsome.

eh!!! It's me pretty hor!

It started to drizzle

Suppose to act sexy but can't

At Palawan Beach.

Hehe I look slim here

Finally, the day at Sentosa ended with us watching "The Song of the Sea". Very amazing combination of music with water and lightings.

Had a wonderful dinner SUSHI TEH at vivo...Previously went with KJ ordered too much cant finish this time with Marlin we finished everything! hehe. I LOVE YOU!!!

Sunday, March 01, 2009

10:18 PM

I went to Victoria Concert hall for marlin's sec sch fund raising performance. It was an eye opener as well as making me realise how much I missed being on stage performing. I guess there was something in sec life which leave a deep impact on me; Chinese Orchestra.

I remembered my reason for choosing Chinese Orchestra was because I like music and wanna learn music while learning an instrument. Being the pioneer cohord in my sec sch, we had no one to introduce us the various instruments and the works of it but somehow I'm glad that I did not regret the instrument I chose randomly. In CO, I met many people and befriend with many people though at the end I was left with nothing but I guess what I had was the encounterment and experiences. True enough that it's people that creates the dark side of it but I have to say it's also this people that made what our group was like. We starting off from being very de-organise to a group that is essential for all sch performance. We did school proud and all credit goes to our teacher in charge. Seriously, I missed those feelings. Being bz with cca yet handling with studies. Guess there was also two periods within that 4 years, I had to deal with r/s and breakoffs. It wasn't easy esp seeing one another in both class and cca but I looked forward to 2-3 times practices a week. Though I would be actually spending my own day in school in those days but I felt the sense of satisfaction. It was then I realised my passion for music as well as performing. I may not be one who is born to be on stage but whenever there's an opportunity, I'll give my best shot. I guess that goes for my piano recitals. If I doubt myself and even after practices, I'm still not ready, I won't go. I won't do something unless I know it would be gd. I have to admit that I'm wrong. I shouldn't think that way. It is not about the results but the process but piano recital is a solo performance unlike CO team's spirit, if anything happens, I have no back up. It is courage and confidence that brings you up to perform.

After the concert, we went under the RAIN! haha... Felt so typical "drama" show. haha. I guess my frenz were right. My love life seem like a drama at times. haha. Anyway, we went yishun safra for a drink and light supper. It had nice atmosphere, comfortable n gd hospitality. Ok, it was romantic. Eh..haha. Somehow we have been realising dreams together these days. Dreams of what we always wanted to do with a partner. I wonder if dear feels the same to her hubby now. Though married now, but do you still feel your heart beat twice faster when u look right into his eyes? Will you feel as though you are the most fortunate person when he holds your hand infront of a big crowd ensuring you while he feels proud of you? Wonder...

However, gd times ends fast while bad times goes on and on with slight glimpse of the end. Sweet and easy times might just be for that while but tough times might be so long to endure. Shortly after this holiday for both of us, I'm going for uni and he is going for NS. Most likely, two years later we will get back once again like now or even better. Hopefully I would graduate from uni successfully and he is still alive after NS. haha jk. Well.. Two years...Many things would happen. I'm not refering to an end to my r/s but I guess it would be unbearable at times when you need that person beside you but he/ she isn't there for u. Stress in my studies will come over me but if for the past 3 years I can cope w/o a special one, I think I can do it for the next 2 years. Eh...Nono I had DEAR! Well..Wonder how will it be like w/o her with me. Well... And what if I pursue strongly for studies for that 2 years as my priority, will things change? Will my partner give up on me? Will there be someone out there more suitable and actually is the one? Sometimes I would really think but thinking down the road would only sent more shivers down my spine as I feel the fears I have to uni.

Today's gospel reminded me about being watchful of my spiritual life for these 40 days. It reminded me of giving up my time for people around me. It reminded me to die to myself and place people before yourself and most importantly it reminds me about my promise to learn and control my comments and remarks of people to myself. I know it is difficult and a different perspective of seeing what I'm doing would lead to misunderstanding but I'm willing to give it a try cuz there was once a devoted christian said this; "Christianity life isn't about attaining something but the continuity of ever trying".