{Underneath the Stars.

Monday, April 27, 2009

12:19 AM

My commence date has been brought backwards. Might start late this week instead. Some matters to resolved. Which means I would have a few more days before I start working but well I guess some people might well hope that I would just start working so that their lives could go on instead of having me in their lives.

Last week I should say I tried to make the best out of it but I guess that's the curse in me everytime I wanna do something gd out of it, thngs will turn out negative but if I would to care less things would turn out unexpectedly good that catches me off hands. Say like you wanna talk to that person and you wanna be sweet or loving to someone but things doesn't turn out the way you wanna it to be. I will actually react extremely defensive and negative.

It applies for my r/s as well as outcome in life. Things just changed before you could react. Disappointment sets in harder than just what you may think. That's why I always remind myself STOP HOPING AND PLANNING because it only leads to disappointment. Maybe I have reached to a limit where Im despaired to such matters. So well..I have news yet to receive and decision yet to make and what else can I do but to wait? Instead of waiting with an open mind and anxious emotions, I pray to god everyday that I wouldn't fall apart and collapse when I see where the road is leading to in my life; my OWN life.

It's dark ahead. It lonely and cold out there. It could be tiring and hard to hold myself together while not allowing mood and emotions affect me. Whether I want to be rational or emotional, I guess it based on mood. Whether I want to be happy, sad or angry, it also based on my mood. Don't come telling me off that I'm not leading my life EFFICIENTLY because I'm not a machine nor a contract. If you think I am throwing away my life or not being effective or whatsoever then I'm sorry get out of my life. I don't live life because this and that, but because I feel like it or because I feel the calling.

Guys around me are very happy, excited and looking forward to their enlistment. Some are so excited that they talk and talk with that weight that hurt people around them unknowingly. Sometimes I thought you can be very excited about something but try thinking about people around you ba. I saw my reflection in that person that I stop and learn to suppress my excitement and the slight feel of proud to everyone. Maybe such limitation might soon be reinforce more to my family and partner because I feel the hurt and acting ignorant yet understanding just make me tear every night since then. I'm tired of waking up feeling even more tired because of being emotional the night before and dragging a dampen spirit.

Graduation day. Seemed excited to many people too but I simply wanna run away from it. There are so many things to it then just going up the stage with so many people clapping for u to collect ur scroll from ur principal. I tried to think how positive and the best can I make out of that day but I thought I think the best I wanna do is to receive and leave the school asap. No reason for me to stay on neither would I wanna stay on for any other reasons. Maybe from that day onwards, that would be the end of frenship, relationship and my life. Maybe that would be the highest qualification I would receive. Maybe that is the last time I would have high achievements for certain subjects or exams. Maybe that's just the end which I don't wanna face it nor look at it.

Do I need help in any ways? I know the fact that we should never be nasty to people cuz u will nv know when u would need them actually but then at this pt in time, I hate it to think that I might need help from people apart from my mum. I don't wanna rely on others neither do I want to feel that there is someone other than me that makes this life different.

The fact that you might slowly feel the presence of someone, the more you wanna drift apart cuz u never know when u would fall and hurt yourself badly that you can no longer stand on your own feets. So ask myself why did I ever start this in the first place? Yes, it's all my fault. I didn't know what I was doing. For such a person like me, it's better off left alone and cry.

Crying spells are here. Why do I have to go thru such thing every mth esp in the late might ALONE? Well... I like to pissed people off and then start my crying spells and then my cycle will start going. Why must I be a gal who needs to go through the hormones change every mth? Or maybe I should tk the advise to start tking those pills to control my body system and hormones. It will definately spoil my health and body in a long run esp Im tking it at the age of 20 but heck if I was already planned to leave.

Friday, April 17, 2009

11:39 PM

Today was rather a tearful day for me. haha! Been crying alot. In fact it started last night cuz I guess its just pms which there's an outbreak symptoms of crying spells then today the bad pain came. I couldn't even walk straight when I went CWP to watch 17 again. haha!

Went to watch 17 again and I started crying from the very beginning of the show when his gf told him that she was pregnant when they were at the age of 17 just before an important basketball competition for him to attain a scholarship. I cried when I saw her holding her tummy walking out of the basketball court with the sadness in her face and then he went after her giving up his competition. Yes, they were married and had 2 children but he still live in his past glory. As time passes, passionate feelings with his gf-wife died off and the only thing he remembers is that he has given up his whole bright future for her. He was given another chance to be back to 17 and it was only till the end that he realised that he does love her alot and that was the most fortunate thing that has happened to him when he gave up his competition once again when his wife ran out of the basketball court when she recognised him as him and not just the 17 years old appearance. Very touching yet meaningful to the industry ba.

Media made used of the upcoming popular young star to show case what's life out there for pre marital sex and being married for the root reason of responsibilities though we don't deny there's love in it BUT it isn't like I love u, I propose and wedding bells but I'm pregnant, Responsibilities, life and etc. Something that suprised me in the movie is that they did talked about pre marital sex and he was explaining that it shouldn't be just sex but love making and it is always encouraged after marriage which goes along well with what father said. Love making should be a total giving whereby you don't protect urself which brings love before lust.

Say for instance if it happen to me, I guess both of us would be living in past glory and not just me. Maybe like what he say when we play cards that I'm a sore loser which made me felt that it would be a life time regret if I don't fufill or even try to work towards my dreams or passion. Likewise, for him to settle before trying out things which he wants to and to face all the consequences, I think we would both have hard feelings as time passes and regret for giving up our future. I guess I wouldn't want to seem like a spoiler to his future too. Mum is right that both of us do have a bright future awaiting for us and she hope to see us having achievements that we work hard for and grow.

Gonna start working on 27 April. Back to hybrid hours and bye bye to my slack and holiday mood. Glad I will be back to a familar enviroment with people I enjoy being with. I hope things won't be different when I'm going back as a staff no longer an intern.

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

1:48 PM

A colleague-couple who was preparing to be married to one another met difficulties to maintain their relationship when his wife to be was promoted as his manager. Conflict arises though she tries hard to be impartial at work. To support her, he handles all wedding preparation so that she could focus on her work. However, she claimed that he is not understanding and supporting her enough when she is currently facing tremendous stressed at her work but her defended himself by saying that if he is not supporting her he won't be dealing their wedding preparation all on his own. The only thing he has not done for her is to try her wedding gown for her and the end both said that they call off the wedding in a moment of anger.

I guess there's many factor constituting to this end. What he is giving is not what she wants. On the other hand, there are problem arising to both of them individually. He is feeling inferior because he has been working hard for that position but she was being promoted instead and now being his manager, he feels the pressure. As for her...I was wondering on my own if females would get over powering and authority when we achieved power & statues in our career? Seems like it but I ain't sure. Kind of worry for myself ba but well what else can I do? Well let's see it in a positive manner in a r/s but negative manner indivudally and that is...Maybe I will NEVER get promoted or achieve where I dream to be.

Sometimes when things just don't according to what u have wished, dream or planned u will tend to feel VERY disappointed and lose ur temper or maybe that applies to me only. Well that only tells me 1 thing i shall learn not to have the above. I feel nothing but hurts from pt to pt ba. I ask myself how much more do I want to go with this and the ans is I don't know.

The more u know and understand a person, the more u see how much u cant tolerate those flaws of the person but somehow when ur emotions are refreshed and circumstances reminds u of how special things were and are now, you will tend to be blinded about things and move froward with that person. I guess religion does play a part too. Well no one is perfect but its the patience, compromise and understanding that makes the imperfections perfect.

Sunday, April 12, 2009

11:20 PM

Im always asking myself: "Are females always inferior to males"?

In a few modules which I have learnt in NP, the inequality in gender is a social issue in most of the countries. Although in my country, the inequality issues that are critical in other countries are very mild or non applicable but mild does not mean zero. In some countries, job opportunities and promotions are biased to males and when female rank above a male, the male will start all their rubbish acts. On the surface, it seemed as though its the females fault or the female is very nasty to her team but the fact is that the male is feeling INFERIOR and yet does not face the fact but living in denial. Well how many males can openly admit that they are less capable than a female in certain areas?

Therefore, what if a male lost a competition to a female? I guess there will be a great whoo-ha and I believe the society or mangement is avoiding such situation from happening. Looking via a case study way and it won't be tough to realise that males are always the all rounded winner no doubt judges may remarked that the male has made mistakes that were very obvious and bla bla. On the other hand, the female who has very min and not obvious mistakes and holds a stronger point that she did better in the emotional game but she still lost.

I was thinking what about the commercial world out there? Are females the losers still? Will males still seemed to be the outstanding one no doubt this this that that?

I guess both females and males have their own special traits, abilities and instinct that we can't compare between the genders so why must the all rounder winner be either the female or male? Can't it just be all rounded winner for female, and male? Crazy

Wednesday, April 08, 2009

8:31 AM

Have you done something that you put someone elses interest before you? You endure the pain with hope that the other will be happy? Maybe that's not the case of me. Maybe it's me putting myself first and when emotional struggles and hurts are felt aftermath, I blame the other party even though some part of me might be aware that the prob lies in me.

Sometimes I really wonder why when things happened and there are mixed emotions in it, I tend to redraw back like a turtle and protect myself with the hard shell I could have on the outside. I push away whoever who wants to help or smoothen me from the danger I have sensed and then I would become very emotional and take everything on my shoulders that creates like a huge burden to me that causes mood swing.

Maybe my lovebank might be an overdraft now, I don't know. Sure there are credits, but certain that there are a number of debits too. So what's the net off? Debit or credit? An overdraft or surplus balance? I don't know. I have no confidence and sense of security and certainty at this pt in time. I guess its not something that could be retrieved back in one or two days. Maybe I have really seen an ugly side of me. The emptiness and struggles.

Ytd went out with liling's jie mei. haha! Seems like a gathering after her wedding. The lunch was nice BUT FATTENING! haha nvm. At least I think the food its nice if not its unworthy to gain the fats yet don't get to enjoy. Baby Nicole is coming to the world soon. It's seems just seem the day before that I learnt that she is pregnant and ytd that she has got married. Times passes so fast and her pregnancy is gonna due soon. I guess the real hardship and tiredness will come only after birth but fear not she is young!

Ytd I was thinking about the day I seeked my mum's consent regarding a r/s. They way she responded and how fortunate I felt this world is. Wonder why I would think back and has this mixture of feelings. We'll see how it goes.

Whoa i was telling liling that the rings in love & co are so unique and nice. Hope my wedding ring will be like that. Whoa!
LVC Promise
http://www.love-and-co.com/prod.htm

Saturday, April 04, 2009

4:06 PM

For the benefit of dear LL; My trip to genting.

While waiting for our lift after checking into our room. Lucky we didnt have to wait as long as his frenz. Then we went to walk around and took pictures with mum and dad. Mum insist we take this picture with the lover bridge. haha! Dad and nick was up there pting here and there testing mum's patience while we pose infront of the camera haha! And last but not least, mum's fav Jenny concert. It was gd guess he enjoyed alittle despite of the incompetency of language but I think the sound system was a let down.

We had supper at Old Town bcuz the buffet dinner at First World was horrible then we went to play around the shops before heading back to our room. Mum became out camera woman. haha!

We had breakfast at Theme park hotel instead because we were too afraid to go back to First World cafe and we had a great time esp dad. He had a few rounds! Then we parted with dad and mum. Brought nicky to indoor theme park which he had alot of fun! See how handsome and cute is he...He is esp smiley and happy when norman kor kor is with him eh...

After throwing back nicky to mum & dad we went to outdoor theme park and guess what I'm so lousy. I had motion sickness after the pirate ship but lucky he played almost all the game with his frenz already but didnt play roller coaster so we went to play that after I recovered and left the theme park. Anyway, we went around taking pictures in the outdoor theme park itself. Nice discovery and I was most happy to climb around the cliff with him so as to burn the loads of food I have been eating since I reached genting.

We went Ai Yu Bao Yu for dinner. I guess everyone had fun teasing me. My dad made fun of me and my dearest actually gang up to tease me altogether! I was asing how to eat the birdnest egg tart with chopsticks? Then my dad really went to ask the waitress; "My daughter dont know how to eat the egg tart with chopsticks" wah!!! fainted!!! I buried my face on his shoulders dont wish to ever raise up and see people!!

After dinner we went to watch the Dreams Show. It's a magic show cum cicles techniques ba. I guess as older as u get, magic show does not work on u anymore so I felt it was a waste of $ but I think the live band was gd. After the dream show, went to walk around and had ice cream with him and pulled mum to the pub that just started operating that night. Whoa! The ppl were crazy there but we had lots of fun. Very entertaining and most importantly the house red wine was damn gd! Very smooth and I think I drank too fast was abit light headed but felt damn gd. After that we went out to walk ard when I wearing shorts cuz I was initially preparing to go to bed before mum agreed to go down with us and guess what I was freezing and jumping around like a monkey to keep myself warmer but well it doesn't really work that well.

We had Marybrown for breakfast before checking out. Seemed that we ordered alot but suprisingly we finished all! haha! Then we took pictures while waiting fo the bus and note see where is nicky? "I want norman kor kor to carry!" haha!

Does that picture look like a family photo? Ben said norman looked like a father carrying his own son. haha! Well we were wearng our newly bought couple polo tee. I like the colour!

Mum took a picture which he tried carrying me and when I looked back at the photo I was thinking...Will he be carrying me for the rest of our life?