{Underneath the Stars.

Saturday, May 30, 2009

1:53 AM

I think it is time for me to stop reading other people's blog and get realistic of my own life. Am I comparing of feeling unbalance for no reason? Seriously through all these comparison actions I have for those people, it only tells me one thing; I don't truly take them as gd frenz. I wanna be better than them and I wanna have better than them but truly as shown Im the worst. Many has been accepted by most local unis but I am not. The fact that i'm regretful now hurts. I didn't apply for the other 2 after applying for ntu. I was so sure that uol is all that I want and that cs might be where I will start my future but maybe I'm wrong in everything.

Everything happens for a reason and I think why the push and stubborn-ness? What was the reason that made me so firm and persistent with all these judgement that uol is the best choice for me? Am I losing myself and turning into coward which hides into his shell whenever he feels danger? I'm hiding from what which will force me out of my comfort zone.

Maybe I should have a conclusion; I have regretted in my choice.

I guess even though if at the end of the day I didn't choose to go local uni but still the fact that I was accepted was a kind of recognition. hai I really dont know.

Seriously I hate being the gal who likes to compare and stress herself out and to make herself think that nth is sufficient and perfect in her life even though the fact is her life is complete. At least think back, she has a loving and supportive family, a loving and caring bf, a dip, a vacancy in an uni, few gd frenz and currently a job that pays well and if in any case there may be a chance in the future to be back, at least I have the network contact with them and my history with them does build on to my portfolio.

So do I truly think and feel I'm that fortunate and blessed?

Maybe I'm too away from my faith that I have forgotten to be less of self and more of others. To reduce the chances of putting oneself first and others last. I really wonder why am I so awlful.

What is happening to me....................

Monday, May 25, 2009

11:48 PM

Yesterday night I was watching the final episode of "Together" starring JIRO WANG and Rainie. In fact I have only watched one of the middle episode then jumped to the last episode cuz well I thought that show was kind of draggy and the main pt was the possibility of him being with her.

He was a famous star whereas she was a very very common and plain gal whom from time to time doubted if they could be together no doubt the fact that they are of different world. However, after running rounds and rounds, her feelings still bring herself back to his side until one day he made it clear infront of all of his fans in a concert about his relationships and feelings for her, did her find balance and assurance.

Watching that brought back flashbacks about scenes of "Devil besides you" so I decided to watch the drama again. Watched episode 20 and cried the hell out of my life. Why? Watch the clip below. It narrates about his decision of leaving her for good to accompany his mother whom was seperated from him since young. Though it hurts for him to leave her, he has to go for the sake of his own family.On the other hand, although it hurts to grant him the freedom that belongs to him, she has to let go because this is all that he has been searching and fighting for all his life.

Both were struggling emotionally and tries hard to show their strong side but still couldn't hide their true thoughts and feelings from one another as the day nears. Guess what did it reminded me of? Yup whatever that is coming up in 18 days time. I have no intention in counting down but the fact that the days left starts with the 1 digit, it tells me something; I have to let go being so pampered by him and that I will miss him often for the 2 yrs. However, I guess the worst one would be the 3 weeks I don’t see him till estimated 27 June 2009. haha! As much as I want to, I guess many will want to meet him and talk to him too. So maybe by then I will be left out? Haha. I don't know. We'll see. Haha! But just realised that sat would be just 1 more week to my birthday. Haha!

I cried because… I am having the same questions and hoping for the similar answer as her. Will it be answered? I don't know.

I went to watch Angels & Demons on sat. I was shaking very hard while watching the movie and something unpleasent happened. Eh…I got very worked up and pulled his hand. Wah his face turned black lor…K lah, it's pain but I was also shocked by it so from then on I didn't want to hold him if not I really don't know what will happen next. Haha!

Hmm. I don't think it's about discriminating the history of Catholics church. In fact we shouldn't discriminate people for what past they have. Everyone has a past and some may not be something glorious and open for knowledge. So why the different treatment just because it is a religion? We shouldn't condemn a religion just for what had happened in the past and being the fact that people around you are catholics does not made the killer whom have killed and tortured people in the past. Even in schools, there are certain black sheeps who would bring down the whole reputation of the school so that goes the same for a church. It seems like I'm covering for my own religion but nah. I agree that we did wrong in the past and that what we did in the past to protect the CHURCH population may be wrong. That shows that our actions in carrying out our intention is wrong but that does not mean our intention is wrong.

I'm still with the catholic faith. My faith wasn't shaken like what my mum said it would if I watch Da Vinci Code. Cuz what the father said in the movie reminded me smthing. "Do you believe in god?" He answered I'm an academic and I am trying hard to understand god. The father asked again: "Do you believe in god?" Then he answered I have not received the call to the faith. Well That is it. To me being a confirmed catholic, isn't because I understand, agreed and support whatever that happened in the past but it is my acceptance to the faith and believes.

The catholic faith is all about love. Although that movie narrated the fights for power and other intention, but not everyone are like that. In fact the faith natures you to be a better person and to see your real inner self. Of cuz I have loads of struggles but then I still stick to where my heart belongs too because everytime when I'm back there, I feel home and my questions are answered.

Saturday, May 23, 2009

9:55 AM

This week seemed to be a roller coaster to my life as well as r/s. I guess it's was what happened in my life that affected my mood and attitude to my r/s. I was on MC on mon due to bad cramps again. I was having very bad cramps till 1pm and I called manager or MC. Dear accompanied me till I slept on mon nite. He was tired but I know he always wanted to be there for me when I have this bad cramps. Everytime I am awaken by the pain, he was there to hold me but I couldnt tk it any longer till 1am and had a panadol before going into a deep slp.

Maybe it was the mood swing and the weak physical that made me very explosive in many things and felt unwell from time to time. Somehow I guess it macro size my reaction when I face negative outcomes in many things that happened this week. I tried to conceal and to hold up my strong front but I realised I was actually throwing my temper to someone while showing my "I'm Fine" attitude infront of my colleagues. Maybe at the end of the day, we still need an outlet for our frustration and someone to soften us again. Like i said before... I don't take the hard approach. The more you want to confront me when I'm in a difficult and stubborn mode, the more I will rebel and give you shit. However, if you would to tone me down and by not being aggressive, I guess the outcome would turn out better. This is the way to help me. You understand?

I was reading n's blog just now and her entry was abt a very touching love story. What happened was the bf brought the gf back to the place where they got together as a couple on their 7-month's anniversary and propose to her with fireworks. Seemed like the night which he held my hands after the fireworks and from time to time, when we walk back there place, we tend to think about the mixed emotions and worries we were facing at that pt in time.

After 9 months, what is my answer and decision of this r/s that we have been building? In fact I don't know. I guess these 9 months consists of memories that would accompany me through his 2 years NS. I think the most suitable time for me to comment on this r/s is only after that 2 yrs. Of cuz, we would have dreams and plans for the future but it reminded me of a song; "It's my promises to you that hurt you the most". Maybe that's the reason I would retreat.

Maybe he is right. I'm just like a turtle who goes back to it's shell once it senses danger and takes a long time to regain the courage to come out from his shell again. In another words, I have lost the courage and confidence I had in poly days.

Where have it been?

Monday, May 18, 2009

12:19 AM

Many events happened this week and all of them included both dear and my family.

Tue was my graduation in NP. It's the end of my days in poly and its the beginning of a higher pursue now. Honestly I'm not ready for it. It seems so difficult and hard to cope. I guess apart from academically, I'm also wondering if I could cope with the pressure my mum and I would face that I'm not gonna be a local undergrad. These days I see schmates or frenz of mine, accepting NUS offers, I kept thinking if I applied for NUS, would I also be going NUS? Cuz in terms of results, we are almost there with one another but I guess the fact that I wasn't accepted, is because I didn't try to apply. Now I think is this choice the rite and best choice I have made? I hope not to regret but I can't help to admit I have the pinch in my heart from now and then.

I have accepted UOL Economics & Finance offer but hope my stuffs reaches them on time ba if not I will cry to death ba. haha. I hope days in there will be fine. Esp durin my bridging course that starts end of next yr cuz I have to work and study at the same time. Really pray hard for a gd timetable to suit my working hrs too.

Next, we had a 3D2N chalet at downtown east to celebrate nick and dad's birthday. Only went there on fri nite after work. Reached there ard 1.30am, mum was crying over a tv drama so dear and I went mac for supper and then after opening the door for us she went to slp ler so our FIRST day at the chalet ended fast and sweet dreams. haha!

Hmm. Early in the morning, dear had to get up for archery lesson while dad went to work. So mum, me and nick slept till 10 and went for kbox. Then brought nick to indoor playground and arcade which I saw my sec schmate. Shocking but it didnt appear on my face I hope. They seemed to be admiring my brother too. haha. Of cuz, handsome and musically talented boy who was playing the drum when they saw him. Next, we went back to watch BEN 10 till someone return from his lesson.

We went to eat seafood at a restaurant. Mum enjoyed herself whereas I had a hard time resisting temptation. Then dear and I brought nick to sit the ferris wheel. I really hope to bring him up Singapore flyer soon and proceeded back to the room to cut cake. After that both of us went to the beach to walk and guess what we walked 1 hr non stop. haha! I guess I burned quite alot eh. gd! So went back and we helped each other massage our back before zzzzz! haha!

Thursday, May 07, 2009

12:15 AM

It has been a week since I started back at this familar place. After much consideration, I thought I shouldn't update my reflection which I have done on sunday. I was too emotional, angry and disappointed with many things that have been going on all these while yet left unsolved.

Have you heard this saying; "You have always been like that, I had enough. Let's divorce (breakup) and etc". It is familar yet many people still do things that would lead to such situation which would conclude the end of the relationship of a couple. So well... Honesty is always SAID to be the key factor of avoiding such things to happen but still... At that moment of anger, I would feel that it is so hard to be so honest and bare to the other party of what he/she has done that irritated her immediately. Maybe after awhile but I realised being the emotional me no matter how bad things are I just wanna hear and be link to that person may it be fren or who ever so that I know I have not lost that person. Silly.

One gd news! My brave Dear LL has gave birth to pretty nicole on labour day. My mum was so excited that she has become god grandmother. I guess such excitement only applies because this is still not her flesh & blood daughter but still I'm suprised that my mum is so giving and has accepted her like a daughter with an open mind :)

Dear, don't give up ok? I know your parents and in laws are giving you a hard time in BF/BM. In fact I was shocked to read that in ur blog today cuz all my colleagues were talking abt that over dinner just now and all the terms you used seemed to be recalling back to my mind. Nevertheless, I felt your stress for the expectations you have to face by all other people. Just hang on there. If you feel negative or moments like now that you can't take it, talk to someone whom you are comfortable or share it with HIM. Talk it out do not bottle all of them out because I don't wish that before you knew it, you are dignosed with post natal syndroms. Try keeping your mood light. Just do what you think you should do for now. You are feeling the pain now not others.

Piano teacher asked me to go for G6 exam july-aug2010. I thought well my future is full of uncertainty now. I really don't know what's going to happen next and how I should plan it out. Just like talking to shifu about clearing her leaves. She has planned quite well and yet she has still many excess and she thought planning too well might be bad too cuz u don't know when some emergency case you have to attend to and you need that leave so importantly. Similarly, I really don't know what's going on in 4 months down the road. Maybe I will be back to full time under grad and part time learning piano and goes for exam but I might have other alternatives too. I really don't know. So well let god lead my way ba. Now most import is to practice and prepare myself for 18th July performance at YMS building. First time it's a grand hall with a stage unlike previous yrs with just a platform. haha!

It has been a rather particular week for me. After 3 months of slack and ANYTHING life, back to work with long hours was like abit tough for me to get by. On the other hand, something was dragging my heart and mind. Many many times I'm thinking of one person...dear. Im not the typical excited about the baby but nothing compared to my worries for the mum. Just hope to get to see her and listen to her and really feel how it is for her now.

Just now there was this mail passing around on a stick fortune teller. So I went to play to see my marriage life in the future. Suprised... I thought it would be a bad news cuz my grandmother always say my marriage life won't be gd and I will divorce just like my mum because the line across my palm is broken. However! They were saying :You qing ren zhong chen quang shu" but I have to see the situation or position of my partner that he is in to make the r/s go long. So I went to try using his name then they say he has to ensure he solves prob on time to make sure the r/s will work and go long.

Hmm.. Sometimes I really feel that I'm very competitive. Everything I just wanna win. Even in life, I wanna compare my life with people. Nothing seem to satisfy me. I just want more and ever going esp ppl whom I dont end in a gd way. I will want to make sure my life is better off w/o them. I guess thats the ugly and dark side of me. Revengeful too ba. Or maybe Im just expecting myself too much tml.

Graduation is just next week and I just realised my senior in office did not attend NP graduation too cuz he say 500+ going up to collect cert so LONG. haha! I guess I might dose off while waiting too. Oh well...What is forward looking for me now? I don't know. What excites me? I don't know. Maybe none ba.